279. UPTIGHT

jeffrey-wegrzyn-183858Do you ever fear others telling you are this and that? Like fear having people say this or that word about you? I discovered the fear of being called ”uptight” recently and decided to open up my relationship to the word here in this blog.

Within this is the fear of others defining, seeing and judging me as uptight because according to me, these characteristics are negative things to be, that people don’t like it, hey, even I don’t like it when others are what I define as ”uptight.”

I realized what I fear people saying/calling/judging me are words I fear becoming and also to confront me on where I’m living/acting out those words, because of my judgements towards them. So it’s really a matter of understanding and clearing the word in me and see if it can be turned into word of support.

My definition of Uptight: can’t relax, constantly stressed and only focused/obsessed on one thing, and because of that can disregard or not consider others because you’re so focused/obsessed/driven in stress and fear over this one thing and only wanting to get it done.

How I lived the word uptight: I was uptight with a project I managed with other women, wanting and trying to make it perfect… my only focus was on the project and making sure it’s going well with no problems. I existed in fear of things going wrong and fucking up so my time more focused on managing, building the project and doing things for the project than getting to know people within it.

So I was uptight because I felt like it was my sole/prime responsibility to take care of the project, like a mother but I was uptight because I was on it constantly, fixing it, managing it, changing things, fixing things asap or urging people to fix things asap. It was my obsession, my drive because it was my creation and I felt responsible for making it the best project ever. Yet I did not use the time equally to balance my work/effort I put in the project to developing and establishing better relationships with everyone to make sure all is cool. This is a lesson for me to learn – to not be so driven in FEAR and so focused on PERFECTING a project/creation, but to accept that it will not and can not ever be perfect and fit what you want. Best to work well with the team and learn as you go and laugh (and learn) at the mistakes and just move forward.

So I will walk self forgiveness where I forgive me for being uptight and even forgiving the emotional connections and words to being uptight.

my definition of the word ”uptight,” -someone who is bitchy and unable to relax because they are obsessed and/or stressed about something and will in that stress act out mean/bitchy to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those who are to me “uptight” 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word “uptight”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others who live the word uptight

I commit myself to realize being uptight is combination of emotions and thoughts that self builds to live/express to be unable to relax, and exist/live out in emotions like stress, fear and anger.

I commit myself to realize that when people go into uptightness it’s mostly because they have not understood their own creation/making of getting there, and do not have the awareness nor tools on how to get them out of that state, thus –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people  when I see them as UPTIGHT – which is someone who is stressed and/or unable to relax and thus they are mean/bitchy/inconsiderate to others, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that they are living out emotions/stress from the definition of the word without awareness of how they created themselves there in the first place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear towards being perceived as someone who is uptight because I define being uptight as someone who is bitchy and acts bitchy to others and I fear being like that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if you are uptight you are a bad person, because of how you treat others from/through living uptightness, and from this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being uptight, to be seen or defined by others as being uptight because I have given the word/expression a bad/negative definition/label

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being uptight to being bad/a bad person by justifying how you treat others because of your uptightness is bad and makes you a bad person – instead of realizing that many factors and reasons are behind why a person acts out and is the way they are when living uptightness – that they are unaware of it, nor have the tools or capability to move/walk themselves out of it, or unable to understand themselves in the relationship towards being uptight. So within this I am humble in realizing when people are uptight it’s because they have no tools or skills or awareness of understanding how to move/get out of it, so instead just walk/live the uptightness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being uptight because if I am uptight I am bitchy, and I fear being bitchy, instead of embracing the bitchiness and understanding myself in relation to the word/expression.

I commit myself to walk and understand who am I as uptightness so I am able to understand how to walk out of it and into a more supportive living word/expression that I can show and teach to all

I commit myself to understand who I am towards bitchiness within living/being uptight and my fear of being bitchy/uptight

This I will continue in my next blog post. Thanks for reading.

EQAFE Support:

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Additional Support

Journey to Life Blogs – Walking the 7 Year Journey to Life

School of Ultimate Living – Life Creation through Words

DIP Lite – Free Self-Development Course

EQAFE.com – Self-Perfection Merchandise

Relationship Course – Redefining Relationships

253. My Relationship with Sleep

photo-1455026733626-d2d31efe4976The Problem: It is still difficult for me to get up from bed when I have planned to get up earlier to work on some tasks. These tasks are specific to me expanding in myself and my process from consciousness to awareness, but there is almost zero motivation to get up from it, because me in bed is sooo much more comfortable, and that experience supersedes getting up and doing my things.

The reason why I am taking on this point now is because I truly do want to wake up early to work on these tasks, since they are supportive in fulfilling commitments I made to myself and also fit in well with my daily schedule, where if I do 1 major self-supportive task in the morning before work, it opens up more time in the evening for me to work on other self-supportive tasks. So it is also me trying to balance my schedule to include everything I want to do in my day, and in order to do that I need to wake up earlier to do this.

But the comfortability is what I allow to get in the way from waking up, and moving myself.  Behind it is also resistance: I don’t want to get up and do this, I want to stay in bed where it’s warm and comfortable. 

Solution: Identify the mind triggers and experiences that I allow myself to fall into not getting up from a comfortable state in bed and the desire to go back to sleep. That prevent me from taking a breath, embracing the new day and getting up.

*One reason I see is because I have not made peace or resolved issues the day before, so instead of waking up refreshed and ready to embrace and walk my day, I still carry the ”burdens” and problems from yesterday. Solution: Find time and space before bed to walk and direct any problems. Because if I don’t resolve that is another reason to want to stay in bed, so to not face the issues from the day before. 

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow mental and physical comfortability of staying and sleeping in bed to superseded commitments I made for myself to do in the morning

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I don’t deal with and resolve issues and points from yesterday (last night) then I will bring it with me the next day and it will influence how I get up, whereas if I had problems I could not find direction/solutions to I would most likely like to hide them in sleep as much as possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing my day, and facing the problems, fears and points I do not understand and have given direction to, not realizing the more I do not face and direct points, the more I resist waking up and facing myself and my day, and the less empowered and self-directed I will become, and I actually truly want to become a self-empowered, self-directive being

I realize in order to become this self-empowered, self-directive being who actually LIVES, I must face every fear, and every issue in me. I realize it is fear that I’ve allowed to prevent me from moving on and embracing my day/my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use sleep as an escape mechanism to hide me from my insecurities and fears that I face and automatically suppress in my daily life, instead of finding ways and support to face, understand and direct these fears

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I allow fears and insecurities from the day before effect how I stand up and move the next day/morning, I am communicating to myself, to my body and to everyone in general I am allowing fears and insecurities to define me, to direct and influence me instead of me as self-directive principle

Self-Commitment Statements:

I commit myself to become my own support buddy, finding solutions, tools and creative ways to face fears and insecurities I have during my daily life, that way I expand, develop and grow into a more self-directive, confident being

I commit myself to find the space and time before bed to walk through any specific fears or insecurities I may have that may affect who I am tomorrow/the next day, since I truly want to LIVE and not have fears and insecurities drive me in my life anymore

I commit myself to stop allowing fears and insecurities to drive and define me, by stopping the communication I give to myself, to others that fears and insecurities are more than me, which I communicate through hiding in sleep, or suppressing in my day, and now I take my self-power back by facing each point and directing them to the best of my ability 

I commit myself to find the time and space the day before to walk/direct any priority points/issues so I can have a good rest and be able to wake up the next day able and have the mind set to continue what I committed to do, embracing the new day

Will continue with more…

 

Additional Resources:

School of Ultimate Living – Life Creation through Words

Journey to Life Blogs – Walking the 7 Year Journey to Life

EQAFE.com – Self-Perfection Merchandise

DIP Lite – Free Self-Development Course

Relationship Course – Redefining Relationships

 

 

252. Noticing My Movements

photo-1451933371645-a3029668b979I have had a cold the last few days, which supported me to slow down, and observe more of my movements and how I interact in my daily environment.

At home, something as simple as making tea ends up not so graceful and aligned. Like pouring water into a cup from a water heater — I ended up missing the water going into the cup and allowed it to drop onto the counter. This showed me my misalignment with the cup, the water heater and the water itself. I saw this behavior, and saw my lack of care in this moment, which led to me missing a moment with the cup and pouring some water on the counter. This is a habit I tend to do where I will spill things because I do not give what I am doing 100% of my care and attention. I have ”other things I need to do,” that I give more value to instead of what I’m doing in the moment.

Looking at it ideally, I should give everything I do in the moment equal attention value. Who I am in the moment, and what I am doing should be given this, because what I am doing is a part of me and my living experience. If I am not here, giving care, consideration and attention to what I am doing and suppose to be doing because my priorities and/or focus is somewhere ”else” (a.k.a in my mind) then I am missing moments, moments right here in front of me, moments OF ME, where I am with me. If I am not with me, and what I am doing, reality will show me the misalignments (like pouring water onto the counter instead of in the cup).

Self-Forgiveness, Self-Realizations & Commitment Statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my attention and value to things outside of me, like tasks I need to do in the near future instead of giving attention and value to what I am doing right now in this moment

From this, I realize that when I miss a moment of what I am doing in the moment, I miss a moment with me and what is in front of me

I commit myself to move my focus to me and what I am doing in the moment, in breath, and whenever I see me shift away from reality and into the mind, I bring myself gently back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care more about what I need to do in the future/near future than what I am doing NOW, not realizing it is the NOW that determines the future and who I will be in the future, because if I am not here with me and what I am doing in the present moment, I am communicating to myself and reality that I cannot be trusted that I will be here/present in the moments in the future, which is why it is necessary and of greatest support to be here with me, in what I am doing in the moment

I commit myself to apply care and consideration to every task I do by being present while working with it, giving it my attention and taking care of it as I see it most supportive/best, since that also supports me in working equal with my reality and what I’m doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care or consider what I am doing in this moment now, such as pouring water in a cup,through living the backchat ”I don’t want to do this, I want to do something else…” which then shows by spilling water, or not closing lids on bottles properly, instead of realizing how within not giving my full attention to what I am doing in the moment, I am creating consequences and existing in personal preferences of self-interest instead of acting simply as a being in care of life and doing my job at it’s best within the moment.

From this I also realize how fun I can make it living in the moment and deciding for myself how I want to move and direct me in the task that will create a supportive outcome and job well done that I can be satisfied with

When and as I see myself think ”I don’t want to do this, I want to do something else…”I stop and I breathe. I realize I am existing in personal preferences of self-interest and instead shift myself and my awareness to what the moment and task in front of me requires of me, and from there, act on it within care and consideration

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in apathy towards the small and seemingly unimportant tasks, like kitchen work, closing the lid on a bottle, and doing such tasks half heartedly – with no care and consideration to do it properly because I have given other tasks priority and importance than the objects and tasks I am doing right now

From this I realize how I fuel inequality to happen, where I give more attention and care to one thing while another not so much, when it should be that I give care and consideration to all things equally in everything I do. Where I do the tasks properly and in alignment with physical reality needs.

I think it is ok to have important tasks be priority, but it should not cloud me in my mind when I doing something else – because my focus should be what I am doing now, and doing it to the best of my ability. I should not just put in the best effort in only priority tasks, but in all tasks, the great and the small – that way I am living and applying equality for all life/things.

I commit myself to give attention and value to every task I do equally, since all items and jobs here should be treated in care, consideration and support

I commit myself to do the best I can in the jobs and tasks I am involved in, staying in the present moment, being here with me in my living experience.

 

Additional Resources:

School of Ultimate Living – Life Creation through Words

Journey to Life Blogs – Walking the 7 Year Journey to Life

EQAFE.com – Self-Perfection Merchandise

DIP Lite – Free Self-Development Course

Relationship Course – Redefining Relationships