It’s a funny title isn’t it? Being the creator of my own stress. But I realise I am…and reality showed me that with the following:
I was alone in my apartment. I usually work at home, so I was at the table doing my work. It was quiet outside with the occasional chatter of my neighbors. I got no demanding texts from my boss that triggered stress – I found the stress I had come from me PRESSURING myself in a sense of urgency and impatience to get my work done as soon as possible so I can move onto other things.
I became like an authoritarian, suppressing the life and voice of the calm, common sensical me and pushed and drove myself hard within rigidness and no mercy within my work.
I found the back story or reason behind my personality – the honesty point being “I don’t like my work and this is not what I want to do. I have no choice but must do it” so within a state of helplessness (cause I have to do it) and anger (because I dont want to do it) I then push myself to do my work in a state of impatience and stress – wanting to get the work done as soon as possible so I can move onto things I want or need to do.
Memories of doing math homework with my mother represents this point well for me. When she would help me with my math homework both of us would be angry and stressy because I had to do the homework (but didn’t know how to and needed my moms help) and both of us wanted to do other things but essentially felt locked down we had to do it. So my mother would get impatient with me (because I was slow/didnt get it) and I would get stressed/scared.
The bottom line being: we were reacting accordingly because we didn’t want to do what was in front of us in the moment – but it had to get done – but we knew it was going to be a process and struggle and cause some discomfort in between. It was going to test our patience too. And we made it worse for ourselves reacting on top of what we were expecting – the struggle, strife and pain.
And let’s be honest – no one wants to go through that. We rather avoid or cope or suppress from the hard painful things because we know if we jump in and walk in the challenging moments we are going to struggle, fall, maybe cry and punch our pillow – so who has time for that and wants to go through that?
We see challenges and things we don’t want to do but must as these jaw clenching obstacles – but we make it worse for ourselves by REACTING towards what we have to do and thus create stress.
We miss out on the journey itself if we are already reacting towards it. The journey being the ups and downs, realizations, and yes experiencing the emotions that’s also a normal natural part when you embark on a journey. The key is to work through them as much as you can in every moment of breath.
This is something I’m still learning – is slowing down and being more attentive to what is going on internally while having to do work externally. For so long I would lose myself in work, in the moment, hardwired and driven I wouldn’t eat or drink. But now I’m learning how to balance being present internally and externally.
Though it is hard if you are expected to act fast in the job. At this stage in my life my job does not require me to work and act fast that is something I created for myself and added all the stress to it.
Now I will be practicing slowing down as I work, and seeing what it’s like when I walk with me on the journey of work from my start time to end time.
I will also redefine the word JOURNEY since it will be a journey for me to walk my job Mon-Friday.
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