When Your Plan to Turn a Competitor into a Friendship Doesn’t Work Out – 317

Yesterday I had a meeting with someone who I had difficulty with within the journalism world for some time. She and I have been the major competitors of each other, and I thought it was about time I sit down with her, to get to know her and learn more about who she is and her intentions. This is because I wanted to finally be clear of some assumptions I had of her, and thought we could create a potential friendship and ultimately be cool with each other.

I made sure before I did meet her to clear myself as much as possible with Self-Forgiveness and direction, but still was nervous and apprehensive about our meeting.

Generally, the meeting was fine. I got to learn more about her intentions which have to do with survival and providing her own source of income through her work. This made sense to me as to why she is very competitive and seems to have issue with me as her other competitor. The problem was, was that I expected us to be cool and friends at the end, but it didn’t turn out as so – the ending was brief and superficial, and it left me nauseous. Knowing that despite our meeting and me trying to show and share more about myself so I can open the door for her to see the kind of relationship I’d like to create for us didn’t work. I realized that I can’t change someone, no matter what I do or how much I may work on myself, or open the door to my heart – that person has to make the decision to change and allow me into their lives.

My disappointment came from the fact that I expected us to be friends and cool at the end, as I mentioned before, because that’s what happened to my friend and I wanted that. But it seemed like on her end it wasn’t possible. It’s quite sad that two women, who yes, use to or are currently competitors, can’t put things down to rest and create a relationship that supports one another. I know I must honor their process and their decisions, but it does suck.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate women not wanting to be friends with me, as it shows me that I must let go of control and the desire / want for people to like me and want to be cool / friends with me. I see, realize and understand I have a problem with conflict, and people genuinely not liking me or having issues with me, because somehow somewhere to me that means something is wrong with me. I also realize I have the false idea that everyone should like me, and that if they don’t, something is wrong with me, as I should automatically be liked by everyone. I realize that is a survival mechanism I picked up from my mother, who strives to be liked and will ”bend her own back” to please and like, even if it’s borderline abusive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear upon realizing that even despite sharing and showing myself, my heart, that another won’t forgive me or accept me or want to lay things to rest / water under the bridge, that the person still holds onto a grudge or suspicion about me, which I now realize and understand is normal, in that with getting to understand their intentions, survival and financial security is most important and I have been made a threat to them in their minds, thus only they can work that point out themselves, despite my attempts showing I would rather create a friendship/partnership.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad and allow the sadness to influence me and my expression, because I am not certain how to direct reality of a woman-friendship born out of suspicion, threat and fear is still prevalent in another and thus cannot be changed, and thus I cannot get my desired, or potential outcome of being cool / at peace with someone.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to make peace with the fact that we will both remain separate and not friends, and thus natural competitors in the world system, and that I am and have been redefining my form of competition into something healthy, and that is something I must walk alone. That I must find a way to be ok with failing in my attempts of not being friends with a competitor from the world system. I also realize it is up to them to be cool / friends with me, after I attempted so, and can only leave the door open for them from here forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and become sad seeing the potential of women being cool / friends / supporters and not enemies / competitors / vicious with each other is a process I can only walk alone, to establish and create and be in myself, where I then become the living example of a woman with no issues towards anyone else, and that I am able to stand one and equal with every individual without reaction. That I realize I must be the change I wish to see in the world, by literally living it as an example, and being it through living words and actual real-time change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge X as bad for not wanting to be cool or friends with me, as I realize I cannot judge X’s decision, because X’s reasons come from a source of survival, needing security, and perhaps feeling threatened in between it all. I realize there is always a reason why someone does something, and that I have no right nor power to judge their actions and decisions. I can see more of their character, what they exist in, accept and allow, but it doesn’t make them better or less than me on a existential level. I redefine ”bad” as being unacceptable in the face of life within what is best for all, and her walking away from creating a friendship / supporting relationship is not bad, it is a decision that does not harm me and is acceptable in the face of life which is best for all. It shows where she is at in her life and decisions. That’s all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my relationship with someone to another’s relationship, that I ideally wanted, and wanted to create that. I realize that I used the other’s relationship as a goal, but reality showed me where I am with someone instead, which also shows that what I wanted was not possible, and that I cannot compare relationships because each relationship is unique.

I see I crave and desire a female friendship again where we love and accept each other, which can only start from me accepting and loving myself and being fulfilled by that. Not seeking external support or person for that.

Self-Commitment Statements:

I commit myself to practice and find ways / solutions to be at peace with people having issues / problems with me, as having problems with others shows there are problems with oneself towards oneself not resolved, as I realize in the end all must be one and equal and stand in everyone’s shoes without reaction.

I commit myself to let go of the need / want / desire to control myself to get to a future outcome I want, as I realize life is organic, unpredictable, including many factors from people and things.

I commit to honor where a person is in life, and to honor myself / my self-honesty process, and continue to build / walk it.

I commit myself to use the sadness as a means to embrace that which I am not giving myself – my own friendship / companionship, and to stop looking outside for it.

I commit myself to walk my own process of competition, where I discover what is healthy for me, despite people maybe not liking me or finding me a threat. I realize I can’t be friends with everyone, even though I’d like to be, as that is not realistic in this day and age in this world.

I commit myself to purify and see the word ‘’bad’’ as something unacceptable in the face of life that’s best for all, and good which is nurturing within life within what’s best for all.

I commit myself to be ok aiming for a goal in relationships, but to not get too frustrated if it doesn’t work out in a certain timeframe, or if a person genuinely doesn’t want to reach the same goal as you. I realize it’s ok to test things out and see if it’s a possibility, and to be flexible if it doesn’t work out or needs adjusting.

I commit myself to stop looking outside and towards other people to fulfill the needs in me, but find practical ways to fill those needs myself. Like finding a practical way to create companionship with me. What is self-companionship?



Additional Resources:

Desteni.org – Research and investigation on human consciousness / human nature

EQAFE.com – The Library of Existence – extraordinary material

Destonians – Chat with people from all over the world walking the Desteni process

DIP Lite – Free Self-Development Course

Desteni I Process – Life Skills & Self-Mastery Course

School of Ultimate Living – Life Creation through Words

Self & Living – Fresh Insights into Self- Empowerment & Lifestyle Creation

299. Being in My Original Home & Culture – Part 2, Being with Reality.

jon-flobrant-230583I am very thankful for reality for showing me the self-deception I had given into – I gave into these false beliefs and ideas that being back at my original home for vacation (and having parents who provide me free shelter, food, some money and a car to basically go whatever I want) would mean that everything will be all-right and smooth sailing.

I say I’m grateful for reality giving me its reality check because it humbled me to realize that yes – even despite having a ‘break’ from my normal life and its responsibilities, I still have THIS life / MY life to be aware of and take care of … I’ll give an example:

Today I was to meet friends for breakfast in a city an hour from my home. I made sure to give me enough time to drive there and find parking. I realized the car I was driving needed gas to get me to the destination. This was a reality check – something real that needed to be done.

In fantasy/desire in my mind I did not want to put gas in my car – I wanted to just ‘go for it’ / risk it and see ‘along the way’ if I needed gas – but I soon realized I’ve done this before – where a few years ago I became quite sloppy in my responsibility to my car and would drive a long time to get to a destination, and would find I would get to a point of being dangerously low on fuel where it was not guaranteed I would make it to the gas station in time.

So I faced that moment again today – where my desires of just wanting to start driving and worry about putting gas in the car later came up, and I said no – I’m not going to risk it – I’m going to play it safe and get my shit together and put gas in that car, even despite it feeling like it was an additional ”burden”.

BUT: Is putting gas in the car REALLY a BURDEN? According to the dictionary a burden is a ”heavy load.” Putting gas in your car is a NATURAL RESPONSIBILITY – naturally you must take care of the car if YOU USE IT, and so – fill it up with the fuel when it’s needed otherwise it will not function FOR YOU.

So it’s like: If you can’t handle the natural simple responsibility of taking care of your car, you should not drive one.

I had to face a choice of taking care of myself and the car: I filled up the car with gas, and then I had to drive very carefully and slowly because the weather hit the road quite harshly – lots of rain, wind, some ice.

A part of me fiercely came up, like fighting with reality – I did not WANT to slow down, I wanted to get to my destination in how I wanted to. Boy, it was a very immature selfish part of me rearing it’s head saying shit like ”I want it my way, fuck you weather.” I was basically fighting with the LAWS of NATURE and RULES OF THE ROAD – what was HERE.

Then I realized I haven’t yet equalized myself to the rules of the road – there is the tendency to try and rebel and do things ‘my way’ on the road, but I would end up getting in trouble (close to accidents, risking relationships/lives with other drivers).

So then my friend’s partner came up in me – he is very physical and good with driving/being on the road. I remembered how I enjoyed his presence in the car, his confidence and carefulness of the road, so I ‘liked that’ and decided to be/emerge as that – tapping into the words he represented to me (careful, mature, physical, aware) and I was able to slow down on the road, being more focused and attentive to my safety and the safety of the car. Doing this worked, — where the process of driving made me feel more confident, mature and comfortable.

So with driving, I am going to become what I liked in another – physically aware of myself and the car on the road, being careful and attentive to the laws/ways of driving, keeping me and my car’s safety in check top priority.


Recommended Resources:

Desteni.org – Research and investigation on human consciousness / human nature

EQAFE.com – Self-Perfection Merchandise

DIP Lite – Free Self-Development Course

School of Ultimate Living – Life Creation through Words

Self & Living – Fresh Insights into Self- Empowerment & Lifestyle Creation

289. Redefining Giving Up

joshua-earle-64814Give Up: Dictionary definitionTo yield control or possession of ; surrender

Self-Introspective Writing:  Giving up to me means the mind directs me without my decision — that somewhere somehow I allowed me to give up my self directive power and control to the mind.

The mind consists of many dimensional layers (conscious, subconscious, unconscious…) as well as thoughts, backchats, internal conversations, and many more. If I allow these parts of me to ‘run amok’ and go on and on I am allowing the mind to take over and control me, and thus I have given up my power to stop. Though I understand and realize I can always stop and stand up, in any given moment… 

If I am existing and experiencing something I don’t like, that compromises me or makes me do things I don’t enjoy, I must question who I am within it all – did I agree to live and be like this? Do I agree with who I am? If no – then I STOP – I say/proclaim in me I do not accept and allow me to be like this, live like this… then I forgive me for existing in that part/existence of being, then I stand and decide who I am going to be with a living word.

Personal example: There was a child in my classroom who was really difficult, and I allowed experiences of feeling helpless, disempowerment to control me (thus I gave in / gave up in the mind). This is because I was not honest with myself in being straightforward in acknowledging yes, this child is difficult but I am going to find a way to work with them and find solutions so things can be less challenging between us. 

So, whenever challenges come my way, both internally and externally, instead of giving up / giving into the emotional experiences of helplessness, victimization, resistance, I instead JOIN IN ON THE CHALLENGE and do what I can to find stability and solutions.

In the context of my process, I redefine GIVING UP as: Giving my power / self directive principle to the mind, allowing it control / influence me in a way that compromises me / diminishes me / makes me feel bad about myself.

Self-Correction: When and as I see myself give my power / my authority of the mind to thoughts, backchats, emotions, judgements, etc, I did not agree nor decide to be/exist like this, because I see it is not best for me / compromises me, I stop, breathe, forgive and move me to redefine and live a new word.

I accept challenges, both within my mind as myself, and my external world. I stop resisting, hiding and fearing challenges. I instead take them on, embrace them, because my mind and life processes is all about challenges, learning and moving through with them.

Thanks for reading.


Recommended Resources:

EQAFE.com – Self-Perfection Merchandise

DIP Lite – Free Self-Development Course

School of Ultimate Living – Life Creation through Words

Self & Living – Fresh Insights into Self- Empowerment & Lifestyle Creation


286. Wholesome Embrace as Living Expression

christiana-rivers-217056I listened to the recording on EQAFE called The Simplicity of Taste. One point that was brought forward was identifying the words that you experience when you taste food.  Eating a juicy orange could for example conjure up the words ”bubbly excitement,” within you and the next step would see where have you experienced a bubbly excitement  in your life, and where can you apply and live that in your life.

I played with this approach today while eating a slice of pizza. It was a large, greasy cheesy slice with spinach on top and as I ate it the words ”wholesome embrace” came through me. In me I asked where have I experienced this word in my life? Then a memory popped up of my uncle who I use to visit every year, and he was very affectionate and he use to really hug me, hold me and embrace me, wholesomely. It was a very nice embrace, and I really enjoyed his affectionate expression towards me.

Upon seeing this remembrance and connection to the words ”wholesome embrace” the pizza held for me, I walked a forgiveness line to re-align / merge the expression my uncle expressed / lived back into me, where I then made an internal commitment statement to wholesomely embrace my partner, family and friends with a big hug when I greet them, just as my uncle did. Within that I also gained gratefulness – gratefulness my uncle lived and expressed this word and being affectionate towards me, because he was the only family member who did this, so he was very unique in that expression.

The steps I walked in the process was:

  1. Eat the food (lol)
  2. As you eat the food, what experience as words would you say this food brings up in you? (ie: ”Bubbly excitement” ”Wholesome embrace”)
  3. Once you identify the words – where in your life have you experienced this word, or what memories come forth connected to this experience?
  4. Walk a self-forgiveness process to re-align the word / living expression back to yourself and gain clarity on where or how you can use it in your life nowadays
  5. Be clear on how exactly you will live this word in your life, stick to it until it becomes second-nature in you and have fun!

So this was a technique I used from the EQAFE recording The Simplicity of Taste … maybe you want to try it out yourself 🙂


Suggested Resources:

EQAFE.com – Self-Perfection Merchandise

School of Ultimate Living – Life Creation through Words

DIP Lite – Free Self-Development Course

Self & Living – Fresh Insights into Self- Empowerment & Lifestyle Creation

281. Affection


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect affection to love, and believe if I do not get/receive affection from others, I am not loved. I realized love is only is but a word and real love is in action/deeds towards self and others as what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of victimization and pity when I think/believe I have not received much affection from my mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to firmly believe I am not loved, by anyone, instead of realizing I have defined love as someone having FEELINGS for you, positive feelings instead of living word as actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deeply desire to be touched instead of touching myself, deeply in ways only I know I can touch/be touched

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to physically express affection to/for me through self massage of feet, or simply hugging me, to show me, I am here for me, I love me and I show me that love, that ”I am here for me,” through self-hugs and massage (like feet)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel neglected by others in my life through the idea I am neglected because I am not or have not been given enough affection

I firmly believe love to be shown through affection. What is the kind of affection I would like? I would like a real hug of appreciation, of recognition of I am here, a real touch of endearment, feeling whole, nurtured. I realize I can make myself whole, nurture myself … I know I like being touched, so I should touch me more, simply as a point of self-recognition and affection, of ”I am here for you,” no matter what – I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a extreme state of neglect, worthlessness and lifeless towards the idea/belief I was never given affection by my mother instead of realizing how this is is manipulative and I do not know for sure if my mom has never given me affection through all her moments with me – thus I stop giving into the self-pity/self-victimization as I realize the times/moments with my mom is gone – as I am separate from her physically and I can only nurture and support me with/from affection as physical expression of touch to show me that I am here for me – that I love me – that I am ok

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss my parents and wish my parents to hug me and give me affection/touch as expressions of care, that they are here for me instead of standing as my own rock, the parents I want to be and hug me/embrace me

I commit myself to hug me as a way to show and indicate to myself that I am here for me through thick and thin – what I go through, I am here and will be there/”here” for me, even if I am alone, I have me and can hug me as I please and need.

I commit myself to – when I feel the need to be nurtured or to feel like I need something/someone when I am feeling low/alone, to hug me or touch me/massage me as indication that I am here for me, and will support/guide me as necessary to do what I need to do in this day/moment

Living Word – Redefinition of Affection: A physical touching/holding/hugging of (self’s) body as an act of appreciation/hereness/support for self – as a physical reminder to self is here for self, through thick and thin, and will support/guide self as necessary until self is complete/whole


Journey to Life Blogs – Walking the 7 Year Journey to Life

School of Ultimate Living – Life Creation through Words

DIP Lite – Free Self-Development Course

EQAFE.com – Self-Perfection Merchandise

Relationship Course – Redefining Relationships




jeffrey-wegrzyn-183858Do you ever fear others telling you are this and that? Like fear having people say this or that word about you? I discovered the fear of being called ”uptight” recently and decided to open up my relationship to the word here in this blog.

Within this is the fear of others defining, seeing and judging me as uptight because according to me, these characteristics are negative things to be, that people don’t like it, hey, even I don’t like it when others are what I define as ”uptight.”

I realized what I fear people saying/calling/judging me are words I fear becoming and also to confront me on where I’m living/acting out those words, because of my judgements towards them. So it’s really a matter of understanding and clearing the word in me and see if it can be turned into word of support.

My definition of Uptight: can’t relax, constantly stressed and only focused/obsessed on one thing, and because of that can disregard or not consider others because you’re so focused/obsessed/driven in stress and fear over this one thing and only wanting to get it done.

How I lived the word uptight: I was uptight with a project I managed with other women, wanting and trying to make it perfect… my only focus was on the project and making sure it’s going well with no problems. I existed in fear of things going wrong and fucking up so my time more focused on managing, building the project and doing things for the project than getting to know people within it.

So I was uptight because I felt like it was my sole/prime responsibility to take care of the project, like a mother but I was uptight because I was on it constantly, fixing it, managing it, changing things, fixing things asap or urging people to fix things asap. It was my obsession, my drive because it was my creation and I felt responsible for making it the best project ever. Yet I did not use the time equally to balance my work/effort I put in the project to developing and establishing better relationships with everyone to make sure all is cool. This is a lesson for me to learn – to not be so driven in FEAR and so focused on PERFECTING a project/creation, but to accept that it will not and can not ever be perfect and fit what you want. Best to work well with the team and learn as you go and laugh (and learn) at the mistakes and just move forward.

So I will walk self forgiveness where I forgive me for being uptight and even forgiving the emotional connections and words to being uptight.

my definition of the word ”uptight,” -someone who is bitchy and unable to relax because they are obsessed and/or stressed about something and will in that stress act out mean/bitchy to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those who are to me “uptight” 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word “uptight”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others who live the word uptight

I commit myself to realize being uptight is combination of emotions and thoughts that self builds to live/express to be unable to relax, and exist/live out in emotions like stress, fear and anger.

I commit myself to realize that when people go into uptightness it’s mostly because they have not understood their own creation/making of getting there, and do not have the awareness nor tools on how to get them out of that state, thus –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people  when I see them as UPTIGHT – which is someone who is stressed and/or unable to relax and thus they are mean/bitchy/inconsiderate to others, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that they are living out emotions/stress from the definition of the word without awareness of how they created themselves there in the first place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear towards being perceived as someone who is uptight because I define being uptight as someone who is bitchy and acts bitchy to others and I fear being like that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if you are uptight you are a bad person, because of how you treat others from/through living uptightness, and from this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being uptight, to be seen or defined by others as being uptight because I have given the word/expression a bad/negative definition/label

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being uptight to being bad/a bad person by justifying how you treat others because of your uptightness is bad and makes you a bad person – instead of realizing that many factors and reasons are behind why a person acts out and is the way they are when living uptightness – that they are unaware of it, nor have the tools or capability to move/walk themselves out of it, or unable to understand themselves in the relationship towards being uptight. So within this I am humble in realizing when people are uptight it’s because they have no tools or skills or awareness of understanding how to move/get out of it, so instead just walk/live the uptightness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being uptight because if I am uptight I am bitchy, and I fear being bitchy, instead of embracing the bitchiness and understanding myself in relation to the word/expression.

I commit myself to walk and understand who am I as uptightness so I am able to understand how to walk out of it and into a more supportive living word/expression that I can show and teach to all

I commit myself to understand who I am towards bitchiness within living/being uptight and my fear of being bitchy/uptight

This I will continue in my next blog post. Thanks for reading.

EQAFE Support:


Additional Support

Journey to Life Blogs – Walking the 7 Year Journey to Life

School of Ultimate Living – Life Creation through Words

DIP Lite – Free Self-Development Course

EQAFE.com – Self-Perfection Merchandise

Relationship Course – Redefining Relationships

268. How to Support Yourself When You Have a Cold

photo-1447154705288-7175737fb73cI developed a pretty nasty cold that left me quite tired and weak the last few days. I knew there was an EQAFE recording on the nature of Colds/Flus so I made sure to listen to it the day I stayed home from work.

‘’The Evolution of the Common Cold’’ by the Future of Consciousness is a fascinating recording that highlights the dimensions of these particular viruses and why they are becoming stronger and longer lasting in humanity.  I was able to gain support on what mind dimensions to specifically work on when I have a cold or flu, and how to support oneself physically during this time.

It was most interesting when the being in the recording mentioned the typical excuses we make when sick like ‘’Oh I’m too sick to do writing, or self-forgiveness,’’ and how this is not so because our beingness, which is buried deep down within us and suppressed by our Mind Consciousness System is not sick, is still intact and able to be supported with the necessary Self-Forgiveness, Writing and Self-Corrective Application. 

This ordeal reminded me of my teenager years, when I was sick I would use the time to watch tons of TV and justify this was ok because ‘’I’m sick.’’ There is also the emotional dimension of going into self-pity, feeling sorry for yourself and existing in a victimized state which was also mentioned by Kristina through her blog, where you want to ask others to do things for you because you are ‘’so sick,’’ or ‘’can’ do it,’’ when you know you are capable to an extent.

So I’d like to thank EQAFE for it’s support on the recording.  Being sick is actually a great time to work with emotional memories and points that have been emphasized the last couple of months, and best to sort them out during your sick-period due so that way when/if you get a cold or flu again, it will not be so intense as before.

So, coming from watching tons of TV and becoming needy around people when sick, I shifted my focus more on taking care of myself through giving my physical body the nutrition and medicinal support it needs as well as the self care for my self/beingness with the self-purification tools of writing, forgiveness, self-corrective applications, and living words.

Additional Resources:

Journey to Life Blogs – Walking the 7 Year Journey to Life

School of Ultimate Living – Life Creation through Words

DIP Lite – Free Self-Development Course

EQAFE.com – Self-Perfection Merchandise

Relationship Course – Redefining Relationships