When Your Plan to Turn a Competitor into a Friendship Doesn’t Work Out – 317

Yesterday I had a meeting with someone who I had difficulty with within the journalism world for some time. She and I have been the major competitors of each other, and I thought it was about time I sit down with her, to get to know her and learn more about who she is and her intentions. This is because I wanted to finally be clear of some assumptions I had of her, and thought we could create a potential friendship and ultimately be cool with each other.

I made sure before I did meet her to clear myself as much as possible with Self-Forgiveness and direction, but still was nervous and apprehensive about our meeting.

Generally, the meeting was fine. I got to learn more about her intentions which have to do with survival and providing her own source of income through her work. This made sense to me as to why she is very competitive and seems to have issue with me as her other competitor. The problem was, was that I expected us to be cool and friends at the end, but it didn’t turn out as so – the ending was brief and superficial, and it left me nauseous. Knowing that despite our meeting and me trying to show and share more about myself so I can open the door for her to see the kind of relationship I’d like to create for us didn’t work. I realized that I can’t change someone, no matter what I do or how much I may work on myself, or open the door to my heart – that person has to make the decision to change and allow me into their lives.

My disappointment came from the fact that I expected us to be friends and cool at the end, as I mentioned before, because that’s what happened to my friend and I wanted that. But it seemed like on her end it wasn’t possible. It’s quite sad that two women, who yes, use to or are currently competitors, can’t put things down to rest and create a relationship that supports one another. I know I must honor their process and their decisions, but it does suck.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate women not wanting to be friends with me, as it shows me that I must let go of control and the desire / want for people to like me and want to be cool / friends with me. I see, realize and understand I have a problem with conflict, and people genuinely not liking me or having issues with me, because somehow somewhere to me that means something is wrong with me. I also realize I have the false idea that everyone should like me, and that if they don’t, something is wrong with me, as I should automatically be liked by everyone. I realize that is a survival mechanism I picked up from my mother, who strives to be liked and will ”bend her own back” to please and like, even if it’s borderline abusive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear upon realizing that even despite sharing and showing myself, my heart, that another won’t forgive me or accept me or want to lay things to rest / water under the bridge, that the person still holds onto a grudge or suspicion about me, which I now realize and understand is normal, in that with getting to understand their intentions, survival and financial security is most important and I have been made a threat to them in their minds, thus only they can work that point out themselves, despite my attempts showing I would rather create a friendship/partnership.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad and allow the sadness to influence me and my expression, because I am not certain how to direct reality of a woman-friendship born out of suspicion, threat and fear is still prevalent in another and thus cannot be changed, and thus I cannot get my desired, or potential outcome of being cool / at peace with someone.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to make peace with the fact that we will both remain separate and not friends, and thus natural competitors in the world system, and that I am and have been redefining my form of competition into something healthy, and that is something I must walk alone. That I must find a way to be ok with failing in my attempts of not being friends with a competitor from the world system. I also realize it is up to them to be cool / friends with me, after I attempted so, and can only leave the door open for them from here forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and become sad seeing the potential of women being cool / friends / supporters and not enemies / competitors / vicious with each other is a process I can only walk alone, to establish and create and be in myself, where I then become the living example of a woman with no issues towards anyone else, and that I am able to stand one and equal with every individual without reaction. That I realize I must be the change I wish to see in the world, by literally living it as an example, and being it through living words and actual real-time change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge X as bad for not wanting to be cool or friends with me, as I realize I cannot judge X’s decision, because X’s reasons come from a source of survival, needing security, and perhaps feeling threatened in between it all. I realize there is always a reason why someone does something, and that I have no right nor power to judge their actions and decisions. I can see more of their character, what they exist in, accept and allow, but it doesn’t make them better or less than me on a existential level. I redefine ”bad” as being unacceptable in the face of life within what is best for all, and her walking away from creating a friendship / supporting relationship is not bad, it is a decision that does not harm me and is acceptable in the face of life which is best for all. It shows where she is at in her life and decisions. That’s all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my relationship with someone to another’s relationship, that I ideally wanted, and wanted to create that. I realize that I used the other’s relationship as a goal, but reality showed me where I am with someone instead, which also shows that what I wanted was not possible, and that I cannot compare relationships because each relationship is unique.

I see I crave and desire a female friendship again where we love and accept each other, which can only start from me accepting and loving myself and being fulfilled by that. Not seeking external support or person for that.

Self-Commitment Statements:

I commit myself to practice and find ways / solutions to be at peace with people having issues / problems with me, as having problems with others shows there are problems with oneself towards oneself not resolved, as I realize in the end all must be one and equal and stand in everyone’s shoes without reaction.

I commit myself to let go of the need / want / desire to control myself to get to a future outcome I want, as I realize life is organic, unpredictable, including many factors from people and things.

I commit to honor where a person is in life, and to honor myself / my self-honesty process, and continue to build / walk it.

I commit myself to use the sadness as a means to embrace that which I am not giving myself – my own friendship / companionship, and to stop looking outside for it.

I commit myself to walk my own process of competition, where I discover what is healthy for me, despite people maybe not liking me or finding me a threat. I realize I can’t be friends with everyone, even though I’d like to be, as that is not realistic in this day and age in this world.

I commit myself to purify and see the word ‘’bad’’ as something unacceptable in the face of life that’s best for all, and good which is nurturing within life within what’s best for all.

I commit myself to be ok aiming for a goal in relationships, but to not get too frustrated if it doesn’t work out in a certain timeframe, or if a person genuinely doesn’t want to reach the same goal as you. I realize it’s ok to test things out and see if it’s a possibility, and to be flexible if it doesn’t work out or needs adjusting.

I commit myself to stop looking outside and towards other people to fulfill the needs in me, but find practical ways to fill those needs myself. Like finding a practical way to create companionship with me. What is self-companionship?



Additional Resources:

Desteni.org – Research and investigation on human consciousness / human nature

EQAFE.com – The Library of Existence – extraordinary material

Destonians – Chat with people from all over the world walking the Desteni process

DIP Lite – Free Self-Development Course

Desteni I Process – Life Skills & Self-Mastery Course

School of Ultimate Living – Life Creation through Words

Self & Living – Fresh Insights into Self- Empowerment & Lifestyle Creation

252. Noticing My Movements

photo-1451933371645-a3029668b979I have had a cold the last few days, which supported me to slow down, and observe more of my movements and how I interact in my daily environment.

At home, something as simple as making tea ends up not so graceful and aligned. Like pouring water into a cup from a water heater — I ended up missing the water going into the cup and allowed it to drop onto the counter. This showed me my misalignment with the cup, the water heater and the water itself. I saw this behavior, and saw my lack of care in this moment, which led to me missing a moment with the cup and pouring some water on the counter. This is a habit I tend to do where I will spill things because I do not give what I am doing 100% of my care and attention. I have ”other things I need to do,” that I give more value to instead of what I’m doing in the moment.

Looking at it ideally, I should give everything I do in the moment equal attention value. Who I am in the moment, and what I am doing should be given this, because what I am doing is a part of me and my living experience. If I am not here, giving care, consideration and attention to what I am doing and suppose to be doing because my priorities and/or focus is somewhere ”else” (a.k.a in my mind) then I am missing moments, moments right here in front of me, moments OF ME, where I am with me. If I am not with me, and what I am doing, reality will show me the misalignments (like pouring water onto the counter instead of in the cup).

Self-Forgiveness, Self-Realizations & Commitment Statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my attention and value to things outside of me, like tasks I need to do in the near future instead of giving attention and value to what I am doing right now in this moment

From this, I realize that when I miss a moment of what I am doing in the moment, I miss a moment with me and what is in front of me

I commit myself to move my focus to me and what I am doing in the moment, in breath, and whenever I see me shift away from reality and into the mind, I bring myself gently back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care more about what I need to do in the future/near future than what I am doing NOW, not realizing it is the NOW that determines the future and who I will be in the future, because if I am not here with me and what I am doing in the present moment, I am communicating to myself and reality that I cannot be trusted that I will be here/present in the moments in the future, which is why it is necessary and of greatest support to be here with me, in what I am doing in the moment

I commit myself to apply care and consideration to every task I do by being present while working with it, giving it my attention and taking care of it as I see it most supportive/best, since that also supports me in working equal with my reality and what I’m doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care or consider what I am doing in this moment now, such as pouring water in a cup,through living the backchat ”I don’t want to do this, I want to do something else…” which then shows by spilling water, or not closing lids on bottles properly, instead of realizing how within not giving my full attention to what I am doing in the moment, I am creating consequences and existing in personal preferences of self-interest instead of acting simply as a being in care of life and doing my job at it’s best within the moment.

From this I also realize how fun I can make it living in the moment and deciding for myself how I want to move and direct me in the task that will create a supportive outcome and job well done that I can be satisfied with

When and as I see myself think ”I don’t want to do this, I want to do something else…”I stop and I breathe. I realize I am existing in personal preferences of self-interest and instead shift myself and my awareness to what the moment and task in front of me requires of me, and from there, act on it within care and consideration

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in apathy towards the small and seemingly unimportant tasks, like kitchen work, closing the lid on a bottle, and doing such tasks half heartedly – with no care and consideration to do it properly because I have given other tasks priority and importance than the objects and tasks I am doing right now

From this I realize how I fuel inequality to happen, where I give more attention and care to one thing while another not so much, when it should be that I give care and consideration to all things equally in everything I do. Where I do the tasks properly and in alignment with physical reality needs.

I think it is ok to have important tasks be priority, but it should not cloud me in my mind when I doing something else – because my focus should be what I am doing now, and doing it to the best of my ability. I should not just put in the best effort in only priority tasks, but in all tasks, the great and the small – that way I am living and applying equality for all life/things.

I commit myself to give attention and value to every task I do equally, since all items and jobs here should be treated in care, consideration and support

I commit myself to do the best I can in the jobs and tasks I am involved in, staying in the present moment, being here with me in my living experience.


Additional Resources:

School of Ultimate Living – Life Creation through Words

Journey to Life Blogs – Walking the 7 Year Journey to Life

EQAFE.com – Self-Perfection Merchandise

DIP Lite – Free Self-Development Course

Relationship Course – Redefining Relationships