Day 221: What I Realized After Not Getting the Job

I walked some private Self-Forgiveness in relation to my reactions towards not getting the job I wanted, and certain insights and realizations came through that I want to share here:

One of the points I realized from my writing today was how easily I create and give into certain ideas about myself and situations. For example, I believed that I was going to get this teaching job, and I convinced myself I was going to get it because of memories I held onto that fueled this belief, such as when the director of the school said I was their favorite candidate and that the head teacher said they will ”see me later” when we said goodbye. From these two instances I took their words ”to heart” and fueled them into the idea that I was going to get the job, because 1) I was their favorite, and 2) the head teacher really likes me and said see you later, possibly indicating I will see her when I get the job.

However, I was not certain I was going to get the job because I had to wait to officially find out. So even despite thinking/believing I was going to get the job according to an idea based on memories, reality still had yet confirmed if it was true. And this made me uncertain about the outcome, because the point is — only reality can confirm whether something is real or not, because even if I was the school’s favorite candidate, does not mean that I will be their favorite the next day, because possibly maybe another candidate comes in with better qualifications/skills and thus, everything changes- I am no longer the favorite. Then perhaps the head teacher, having said ”see you later,” could have been an empty goodbye (meaning, not being serious in that she really will see my later.)

I was first angry at myself for really believing I was going to get the job, like placing my entire trust in this idea, convincing myself because of this idea I had based on a few moments/memories of interaction with the school staff.

A second point is that the director of the school never called me or emailed me to tell me whether the job position was filled or not. I had to find out I didn’t get the job by looking on the school’s website. I had called the school about 2 weeks prior asking about the status on the job position and the director told me she would call after their holiday break, so I trusted her words and waited and didn’t hear anything, so took the initiative to check online for any news and lo and behold, the new teacher’s picture was on there.

Now, my reaction here was also anger because I felt and believed that what they (the director/School) did was not cool. Within that, I wanted to in someway show them that what they did was not right or fair, but today what I realized while watching a movie where Santa told Buddy the Elf that his father was on the ”naughty list” was that I allowed myself to be stuck within the right/wrong good/bad polarity toward the point, where I thought/believed what the director of the school did was wrong/bad as a form of judgement and I wanted to justify that being upset about it is right, but guess what! Being angry over this point is useless because it would in no way change the situation or the director of the school themselves. I need to move on/find another job. Their actions of not calling me is simply showing parts of human nature and the money system that we participate/exist in, where priorities are more focused on self-interest than considering others. So this is not something I should take personally or get emotional about because this is generally what we are all existing in, and this is something I can learn from. I can use this situation to enhance my social skills in making sure that if someone is waiting to hear from me about something, that I make sure I get back to them, and keep to my word.

I share some Self-Forgiveness here:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger towards the memory of when I was told I was the school’s favorite and I believed that was going to get me the job, instead of realizing how I should not take such statements and words to heart since it will only in fact be true when/if I get the job, because I realize how easily I believe in such words/statements from others instead of considering the reality that having the job will confirm the actual statement, so within this, I do see how I need to stop taking others words and statements to heart and to only really cross-reference such words through reality by asking questions, observing actions and events

Within this, I now see, realize and understand how ”gullible” (for lack of a better word) I am towards words and statements from others where I so easily believe in their words/statements towards me instead of actually staying grounded, considering how reality/the system words nor believe or define myself according to what people say about me/towards me, but to first check with myself, cross-reference for myself who I am and who I want to be, because I realize I have given a lot of value to what people have said to me, or promised to me, but words have fallen short, so I cannot trust people’s words entirely until it is proven through their actions and deeds, just like I have to prove who I am through my own words, actions and deeds

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify that I should be angry when I think about how another did not follow through with their word, instead of realizing that the anger within is indicating a point I exist in but do not want to see or face

I commit myself to become aware of when/where I say one thing but do not follow on my word, because I realize that by doing this shows through me and to others I am not trustworthy, and that I cannot stand in integrity, so I assist and support myself to flag point every point/facet I see within me where my words are not aligned with my actions, and direct myself to realign me into who I am/want to be through living/sticking to my word

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify that I should be upset at another for their actions instead of realizing how getting emotional/upset will do nothing to change the person, and that what matters is to actually cross-reference with myself to see if I exist in those same behaviors so then I can correct myself and not exist in it myself, to be able to stand as an example of what is best for all

I commit myself to stop justifying that I should/need to be angry over what another did to me and instead assist and support myself to see if I am existing in a similar point because the anger may also indicate a point I don’t want to see and take responsibility for, since I realize the core nature of us all is in self-interest, thus I want to change this part of me, so I do this by becoming more aware of my behavior and general attitude towards others and find solutions to stop/change this point

That is it for tonight. Thanks for reading.

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Day 191: Awkward & Inferior

I was sitting, eating lunch when M comes over and says that everyone (the teachers) are eating in the teacher’s lounge and that I’m welcome to join them. When she said everyone I thought/projected the teachers like H and L sitting there, similar to how I saw them a few days ago, and a fluffy soft experience comes up, and then I had this experience come up within me of fear and resistance where I then didn’t want to join everyone. I thought that I would be awkward and not know what to talk about, so I lied to M and told her I was going to call my boyfriend and then she said “oh your boyfriend” in a silly manner and walked away.

I then sat there feeling regretful and ashamed because I lied and also because this opportunity of eating with the other teachers would not harm me, it was a nice offer, the teacher are nice. I felt guilty for saying no, I thought about how nice L is, how this would be the opportunity for them to ask me questions about my wedding, how I can share more about myself, how I could enjoy myself, feel “in” with the group. I then thought about my supervisor D being there and feeling

uncomfortable/awkward/shy as well, and thinking of all ideas of what I think he thinks of me in the head. Then I looked at how I was last year, how I kept to myself and got the impression the teachers I worked with then didn’t like me and talked in spite behind my back cause I didn’t hang with them/didn’t really talk to them/was weird.

Then I thought/asked how am I going to do over there in another country when I move? Cause it may be the same situation in where I’m with a group and ‘awkward as fuck.’

There are excuses of I shouldn’t walk this point because it’s almost the end of the school year so ‘why walk this point if you’re not going to see them anymore.’ I do have 3 more weeks with these people, I can make some improvement and use what I find/see to improve my interaction skills with others.

So, the experiences I basically feel is a shyness, a fear, an awkwardness, a wanting to hide around these people. The teachers are much older than me and I have insecurity of not knowing what to say or how to feel/be around them. If they were my age or younger I have this idea/belief I’m sure I would be more comfortable.

I don’t want to be awkward around others, but I am currently. I want to be myself and have no fear expressing/being me. The truth within this is that there can be improvements done with my social interactions and how I communicate/use my words with others in a way where it’s comfortable and natural.

To imagine going into the lunch room and sitting with the teachers makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. There is fear like this isn’t me, I don’t want to do this. It pushes me out of my comfort zone. I don’t think I’m worthy to be there – to be an equal, ‘I’m not much, I’m not a teacher, I’m not an equal.’ I have seen myself inferior to them, and with feeling/going into inferiority with myself, I must support myself and learn.

What is it about H and L that I see myself less than? They make money than me and they have a professional status. They are looked upon highly (how I perceive it) because they are teachers. I on the other hand, am an aide, make a little over than minimum wage, am not professional or certified and thus work with one student. Then I see the Teacher Assistant a notch above me because they get more pay and have more responsibility and are able to teach/be in charge of a classroom if the teacher is out. I am unable to do that, and that point came forth today when one of the teacher’s asked me to watch her class and hand out tests for the students because she is going to a meeting. Before I was able to go through with her orders, a substitute enters the classroom and asks me if I’m certified and I said no and she’s like “that’s why they (human resources) brought me up here.” So even from there I saw my position/who I was within my job as not even ‘worthy’ to run a classroom. From this, I realize that the job I have is only set up for specific duties and tasks, while the teacher has their own duties and tasks and it is because of the school’s current laws and regulations that non-certified staff cannot teach or run a classroom.

I can see I am taking my job personally where I am defining me as being less than others because my job is “less than” other jobs where I do get less pay and have less status or recognition in the school. I remember even complaining how aides like me have one of the toughest jobs since we work with the disabled and autistic and we are not able to get the same benefits as the teachers, even in terms of the little raffles that go one where teachers can win a prize or be given gifts from administration — aides and other service workers are not qualified to have that even though we work for the school and attend our responsibilities.

So the point is coming down to seeing myself less than others I work with according to my job and from there, I’m limiting my interaction with them and not seeing myself equal to the coworkers around me because of the ‘higher’ positions they are in.

I will watch for the behavior of me wanting to avoid the coworkers in the morning when they group up and talk to one another and see what it is I fear or don’t want to face. I will assist and support myself to see what it is I need to do for my job and do what I need to do and then when I have the time to simply go out to my workspace and be with my co–workers, not necessarily forcing myself to talk or share, but be there/be around/be within the presence of them if they need me, want to talk/share with me.

The what I’m going to practice is: When I face a coworker, I greet them/acknowledge them, and if I want to say something or share something naturally with another, I will do so. I will take into consideration beforehand the topic/conversation I want to start to make sure the outflow is not awkward/strange/uncomfortable for me and another. I will see how this goes on Monday.

I will continue with this point of inferiority and awkwardness around my coworkers in the next blog along with Self-Forgiveness to go deeper within the point …thanks for reading!

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Day 146: Feeling Uncomfortable When Being Complimented About Job Performance

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My supervisor at work said I am doing a “great job” and within me I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to handle or direct the compliment. I am not sure how to feel about it, or what to do when I am given a compliment. Like, I understand ‘thank you’ can be acceptable to say back, but within me I feel quite uncomfortable. I usually do not receive compliments and I don’t really like them.

I remember my previous supervisor also saying to me I am doing a good job and I reacted in fear when he said that because like I said – I didn’t know how to handle/direct that, or how to feel/experience myself. I said thank you – but it was not genuine.

My partner mentioned that this type of ‘compliment’ I received from my supervisor was system feedback – meaning, I was receiving feedback, or a compliment about my work performance within the work/job system. It’s nothing personal – it’s simply that how I was doing in my job was that I exceeded the requirements for performing my job at an acceptable level, and the supervisor wanted to express that to me. It was what I would define a very nice moment from my supervisor. I in a way was touched he open that point up for me because I did not know how I was doing, I was unsure if what how I was doing the job was “okay”, so receiving feedback from him was actually quite nice/cool, however, the way I reacted from that was not cool.
I realize there’s no need for me to react when given a compliment. I do not know exactly why I feel uncomfortable – it could be that I just do not give myself enough credit or recognition, not really wanting to stand equal to the points/parts of me that another sees in me due to ideas and judgments I have of me. I may just be so use to being negative on myself that I do not want to accept that I am doing a good job on something – like what I do is ‘never enough,’ or I should ‘never be happy’ with myself sort of pattern. What would be cool is if I redefine the word “great” for myself at a later stage.

Anyways, what I will do though is continue with working how I do at my job but also look at other ways/means/opportunities to learn and expand myself within what I’m doing so I don’t remain stagnant.

I will walk Self-Forgiveness and Practical Self Corrections in the next blogs.

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Day 135: Beating Myself Up For Mistakes Self Commitment & Self Corrective Statements

These are the Self-Commitment Statements I have placed for myself from:

I commit myself to assist and support myself through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to dissect, understand and change/stop patterns of worry and fear towards working within a new work-group and receiving new tasks.

I see, realize and understand that fearing, stressing and worrying about receiving new tasks is unnecessary just because I’m not sure or don’t know what the task will be like by judging/doubting myself in not being smart/confident enough to perform the task well. I see, realize and understand that confidence and intellect are physical properties that can be developed.

I see, realize and understand that I have practical tools that I can use to assist and support me in developing the physical properties and/or characteristics of confidence and intellect/intelligence in how to approach and work through new tasks – the tools being common sense, self-honesty, writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application.

I commit myself to not accept and allow fear/worry/stress of receiving new tasks at work to overwhelm and direct me but rather use practical tools, such as breathing, writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application to work on/develop/expand myself within whatever is required of me within the task, such as for example, expanding my vocabulary, working on self-confidence, communication and presentation skills, etc.

When and as I see myself go into stress/worry/fear of receiving new tasks or thinking about performing a new task, I stop, breathe, and remind myself of my realization and understanding that it’s useless to go into worry/fear/stress about not being sure on how to perform the task because I see, realize and understand that I can develop myself within the necessary requirements that the task asks for. I take a deep in breath and a deep out breath, I let the fear/worry/stress unconditionally go and I immediately go into action of assisting and supporting myself to find solutions/work on expanding/developing characteristics/attributes on whatever is required for me to perform the job/task well.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop allowing memories to influence/direct me to bring myself down and making me believe I won’t do a task well when I face a specific subject/task through finding the specific memories I still hold onto and walk them through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to let them go so they no longer have influence over me and I am clear on what to do.

I see, realize and understand that beating myself up for mistakes is useless, because the past is the past – it is gone, unchangeable, but what I can change is me here now and my future, by learning from my mistakes.

I see, realize and understand that I do not have to allow myself to use past mistakes to influence who I am here now in this moment and my future within that, but that I can make a new decision of who I am here and what I accept and allow. I always have that option, so I really don’t have to hold onto the past and beat myself up for the past.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to write about past mistakes that I still hold onto/feel bad about and use self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self-corrective application and common sense to learn from them and let them go so I never repeat them again.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to understand the pattern that I exist as – the one who beats themselves up whenever they make a mistake so I can see the solution on how to stop it and change through using the Desteni tools.

I see, realize and understand that change takes place on a physical level, meaning, change doesn’t happen through my mind where I imagine myself as the change and say “okay, that’s it – I’ve changed.” I see it as I have to walk a physical process, a day to day, moment by moment process, physically in this reality by walking the self-commitments and self-corrective statements I have made for myself to actually change and no longer exist as someone who beats themselves up when making a mistake, but knows how to direct themselves immediately when a mistake happens.

I see, realize and understand this belief that I have of not being able to let go of past mistakes and fear getting new tasks assigned to me comes from a pattern I’ve created and exist in due to allowing memories of past mistakes to prevent me from changing. I see, realize and understand that this is a pattern that I have created over time and will take a process to stop/deprogram this. I see, realize and understand that this is in fact something that I can change.

I commit myself stop the belief of not being able to let go/stop/change this/a pattern through self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application.

When and as I see myself go into/have a belief come up in my mind that I can’t change/stop a pattern, to stop, breathe, and remind myself that this is a belief and I create this pattern and so equally I am the one that has/can change this pattern. I immediately take a deep in breath and deep out breath. In the out breath I allow myself to unconditionally let the belief go and I immediately make the decision to apply the self-corrective applications and realizations that I walked for this point/pattern.

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