226. Who Am I if I Just Want to Please Others?

Continuing from:
Day 224: To become a Leader…
Day 225: Fear of Being Disliked

I read through my previous blog and saw how easily I have connected talking to women to wanting to become friends with them, and giving value into that point, like when I talk to other women around my age or those I connect with, there is this desire to become friends with them or have a close relationship-friendship with them. I am also considering this may be in relation to fear of being alone, but that is a separate point I will look into later.

I attended a meeting and met three women I haven’t seen in a few days and there was the desire to have them like me. I can see I was afraid they were going to judge me and from that judgement not like me if I did not keep up with a smile and nice words.

What if for example they didn’t like me?

To imagine this scenario, I can see I would be very concerned and worried cause I would want to know WHY they don’t like me. Why do I care about WHY they don’t like me? Because maybe I could change or learn something about how I am around people that I may need to use when I walk into social situations with other women, cause I want to make sure that when I interact with others that what I am doing and saying is okay and will be accepted and approved in the group.

So here I can see a few points: One is that behind the worry and concern I want to create and change myself into someone who is perfect in every way so that whoever I talk to, I speak and express in a way that will create an outcome where they will like me, entirely, within everything I say and do.

Now looking at this point, that is so unrealistic. Even if I were to be self-honest, and do what I see is best, and speak in common sense, I may trigger some movements or reactions in others and so, those reactions and movements are for self to take responsibility for, and that they may not like me for that, for triggering points in them.

The point I see here is that I would want to shape myself according to what I think and perceive would please other people, but my god, then where am I in this equation? Meaning, if my intention is to be someone that pleases another, then I don’t even give myself the space to express me when I speak to others, but that I communicate to others based on how I think they would want me to communicate and be to them. So I would be giving up my self expression just to please or benefit other’s and their minds. I can see how I have existed in this point for most of my life, is this tendency to change and shape myself and my words in a way so that people will like me, or that I will please them and their minds enough where they will see me in a positive way/light.

So now comes my question is how to be me when I am around others? To express and be me and share my words and common sense, expressing me while taking my words, actions and others into consideration to create an outflow best for all without the fear of other’s reactions.

So it’s like the age-old question: Who are you?

Who am I if I have been someone who pleases others and shapes myself to please others just so I can avoid conflict, people not liking me, and being alone? Who am I as a leader, expressing and changing myself according to what other people want from me and think of me?

Will continue more in the next blog…

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Day 206: Who Am I Without Another to Make Decisions for Me?

Continuation from:
Day 204: Who Am I Alone?

Day 205: Who Am I Without My Mother?

–Fear of no longer having anyone to help instead of realizing that if I require help I trust that I will find the means to do so/to find help
– See more at: http://michellesjourneytolife.blogspot.co.at/#sthash.PLTBl340.dpuf

Here I am walking a process of understanding who I am when I am alone, with no one around me, where I can not depend on another to help me and show me the way but where I must make decisions for myself and move myself, by myself/alone because I do realize that I have for basically all my life, depended on others to direct me, guide me, make decisions for me and then when opportunities where I am alone and must depend on myself become a reality, I “freak out” — I react in fear/anxiety/panic.

I am continuing walking the points within the memory from the previous blog post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the idea of my mother leaving me/not being around because I fear no longer having someone be able to make or assist me in the final say of decisions I am unsure about instead of realizing I have used my mother to make decisions for me instead of developing self-trust by first checking to see if I can make the decision for me self-honestly without external support

When and as I see myself react in fear to the idea that I don’t have my mother around for support on decisions I am unsure about, to stop, breathe and not allow myself to participate in the fear as I realize that I have allowed myself to give my trust to my mother in making decisions for me that I have not yet developed enough self-trust to make decisions for myself, thus I commit myself to assist and support myself to practice making decisions for myself within self-honesty as a way to develop self-trust and certainty within who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not first check/look within myself and/or write out what I am uncertain about to see if I can find the answer/best decision for myself first before going to my mother/another as I realize this exercise/activity is an excellent way for me to develop self-trust and decision making skills

I commit myself to assist and support myself to when I have the opportunity, write out that which I am uncertain about and use the tools of self-forgiveness and corrective application to see how I can direct myself with this point, and if I cannot find the answer or are uncertain after attempting the point myself, seek additional/external support

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act when the uncertainty comes up and immediately ask another for their answer/support instead of SLOWING DOWN with my breathing and asking myself first “what is the problem here? Where is this uncertainty coming from?” “How can I assist and support myself?” to see if I can assist and support myself first with finding an answer/best decision for me as I realize I have the tendency to when immediately in uncertainty towards a point/something go to my mother or someone I am close with and ask for their advice/answer and from their answer, make my decision and from this I realize that by immediately going to another and using their decision to influence mine, I am not slowing down and considering all outflows, consequences and dimensions related to that one point I am uncertain about, and thus I must slow down and really see for myself, within breathing if I can first sort out the uncertainty myself first before going to another

When and as I see myself become uncertain about a point and I want to immediately ask someone on what to do, I first STOP, breathe and immediately check within myself first if I already have the answer within self-honesty, and if I don’t, then see if I can assist and support myself in that moment to look at the point or write it out in understanding the problem and any possible outflows/playouts/consequences towards making a decision towards this point as I realize when I am uncertain that means I do not know what to do and thus, need direction/understanding, so I commit myself to first check with myself to see if I can first direct me into finding the answer/decision before going to another for their perspective/help

So, a note to self: One of the ways to develop/build self-trust is to first check within self if self can find/answer one’s own question self-honestly. If not, then can ask others for support.

Will continue in the next post. Thanks for reading!

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Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
EQAFE.com  Free Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it’s Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
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Day 76: "I’ll be Diligent and Focused TOMORROW…" Thought & Memory

Continuation from the blog post: Resistance to Writing – Thought – Part 1 where I wrote about one thought I had that connected to my resistance to writing and it was: “Me in the Process of Writing but Being Frustrated.”

The second thought I am investigating is the thought of “Me Writing the Next Day Diligently and Focused.”

This thought comes up as an image of “me at my desk writing diligently and focused the next day.” This thought is an idea I created within myself of who I WANT TO BE when I am writing – diligently and focused and instead of actually becoming that when I write I believe that tomorrow I will be that, but this is an excuse not to put in the effort and write that day, and I know that I won’t ever be diligent and focused in writing if I keep postponing the writing and thinking to myself I’m going to be diligent and focused tomorrow

I can see I can trace this thought back to a memory when I wrote in my notebook after a period of time when I stopped my participation in Desteni due to chasing desires and I basically got to a point where I had enough of the b.s. I was existing in – I was in a difficult situation I got myself into and I knew what I had to do – so I sat on my couch and wrote out everything that was bothering me – I got it all out because I held a lot in, and I was what I would describe as very ‘diligent and focused’ because I was essentially letting the information flow out of me about a specific point that was bothering me, and as I was writing, I saw the solution, and I literally felt better, like a load came off of me because it was within me writing intimately to myself without reaction or judgement that I got to see what was really going on inside but then my writing got interrupted by a family member calling me to dinner and I became startled and felt the intimate experience I had when writing out myself got violated and I didn’t want to stop writing but felt obligated to go to dinner so I left my writing and went to dinner. When I came back I sat down and tried to apply the writing but nothing came out as before, I became frustrated and felt stuck. I wanted to continue writing as I did before but felt like I couldn’t anymore, so I just put the notebook away.

The words “diligent” and “focused” will be re-defined in future posts, but I’m going to walk through Self Forgiveness on the above thought and the memory in the next blog posts to come.

Thanks.

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Day 68: Challenging My Self Definitions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find speaking out and exposing myself on the internet scary because it’s not “who I am.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who cannot speak up and stand up for themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing up for myself because I don’t know what will come from that, such as conflict manifesting due to me standing up for myself and from this, I see that I require to get to understand the fears I have about facing conflict so I can assist and support myself to develop the confidence necessary to face conflict in stability.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I fear speaking out because I fear the conflict that could manifest and come into my life if I were to speak out and / or I were to say something that would not be in alignment with another’s words / beliefs, so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing up for myself and speak up for myself and speak out for myself and others due to fear of conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking up and out about the world because I fear being ridiculed and made fun of, but I see that’s what the system wants to do to me, the system, when threatened, will do what it can to survive, and so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the system itself will do what it can to survive so that I remain in my position, as a slave, in my pre-programmed design so I keep the system going.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the world will not change unless people / a group stand up and speak out and from there direct the system as itself into a better system, a system best for all.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I have a voice and that I am able to use that voice to speak out about this world, as I am equal to everyone else in having a voice to say something about what’s going on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking up and standing up for a new world, a new solution, a new money system because I fear the conflict that may manifest from it and my pre-programmed self would rather just hide and not deal with the uncomfortable feelings when conflict manifests.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict itself, instead of seeing it’s in conflict where I really get to see who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate the fears I have towards conflict in order to find solutions as to how to deal with conflict when / as they manifest in my world so I know how to direct it accordingly. For example, if I write a blog or do a vlog, I must make sure of the consequences that could manifest when / if I post such things and to make sure I STAND IN MY WORDS with no point of doubt or fear existent within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who cannot speak up, who cannot stand up, because I am ‘scared’ and ‘timid’ and ‘shy’ which I see are only self-definitions I believe to be me which can be changed through my own decision, if I will it to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as someone who is unable to speak up because I fear speaking up and I allow that fear to control / define who I am instead of taking the self-directive decision in no longer accepting and allowing that fear to control / define me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hide and not speak up because speaking up is something that “I don’t do.”

I commit myself to investigate where I am ‘unstable’ within myself and my application and through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, create / find solutions so I become stable in my application / myself.

I commit myself to use writing to investigate where I find myself afraid of conflict, and write until I see the point, see where this all started / emerged, and use self-forgiveness to take responsibility and self-corrective application to walk out of the fear of conflict.

I commit myself to through writing, investigate the fears I have in relation to changing myself as the system and what I fear losing and take responsibility for these fears and use self-corrective statements and application so I no longer exist within them.

I commit myself to investigate and find all memories that are related to fear of conflict and what moments in my life where I had to face conflict and become unsure of myself, and use self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to assist in changing myself from a person scared of conflict to someone who is able to face conflict directly with no fear.

I commit myself to investigate where I have allowed myself to ‘shut down’ and ‘shut up’ due to me speaking up and out, as I see, realize and understand that much of me fearing to speak up comes from my family in how I allowed my family’s words and actions to influence me on how I speak and what I speak about.

I commit myself to: Before I write or speak, make sure that what I will say will be that which I can stand in and be accountable for. So I commit myself to ask myself before I publish my blog / writings: can I stand in these words?

I commit myself to: Before I publish my writings or speak up about something, to make sure I am aware of the consequences it may bring, and make sure I am able to support myself / my words when / if consequences / conflict happen.

I commit myself to investigate all the self-definitions I have about myself and see if this is who I want to be and live as, and use writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-corrective application to change me into someone who I WANT to be.

I commit myself to challenge all my self-definitions and ask myself: is this who I want to be and exist as? And if no: use the Desteni tools to find a solution on how to become that which I want to be.

I commit myself to make sure that within my writing and speaking that I am confident in what I am saying and can stand in my words.

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