236: ”My Job is So Hard: Let me Feel Bad About Myself”

I started a new job — it’s a lot of work and information processing and I have the tendency of emotionally reacting quite easily towards it. This is what I found and walked:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate me into thinking and believing I have such a hard job and that I should feel really bad for myself and within that want to cry out of self-pity and victimization so I can “feel bad for me”

I realize my labors, my work is something I am allowing myself to get really emotional about, by victimizing myself to continue existing in a self-state of pity and regret instead of allowing myself to face every emotion and feeling existent I have about work so I can understand what is “hurting me emotionally” where I go into such a victimized state

I commit myself to stop victimizing myself and stop talking or thinking of my job as something to feel pity/sorry about, because I realize I am making myself seem helpless, all as an excuse not to work through my problems in writing

I commit myself to stop feeding the systems in me– the emotional systems I have so deeply defined myself as (ie: “an emotional person”) by stopping my participation in emotions of victimization/helplessness towards work because I see that this means I need to stand up and work through my problems

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect emotional overwhelmingness to the thought “(my work) is so hard” where I allow myself to go into a state of victimization towards work/my job by slumping my shoulders as though I am helpless and stuck being in this emotional state and condition for the rest of my life

I realize what is making my job so hard is not the physical labor but the EMOTIONS that I am allowing to continue existing and cycling in me, the emotions and memories/situations I did not walk and deal with myself/find solutions for myself and where I kept myself in a self-pity/self-victimization state for no other reason than as an excuse to act out on self-sabotaging behaviors like eating a lot of sugar/junk food to “de-stress” at the end of the work day

I commit myself to assist and support myself to use writing as the platform to write out every problem and emotion that is about/bothering me about work and find solutions for myself so I do not come into work, leave work and think about work in an emotional state of mind, but that through writing I write out every single problem and instance I need to process/come to terms with and from this, assist me in finding solutions

I will continue in future posts — thanks

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Day 171: Compromising Yourself for Friends

I will take a pause right now from continuing with my previous blog post titled Why Am I So Tired When I Hang out With Friends Part 2 to write out about some points that came up when I hung out with another group of friends this weekend.

So, what was interesting was that I did not want to hang out with these people in the first place. I had made a decision a while ago within emotional energy to never hang out with them again. I found myself to judge them and what they talked about, what they ate and what we did. I basically felt like I had to do things and participate in things I didn’t want to do and this made me angry. From this, I made the decision to never hang out with them again. However, in December one of the friends contacted me asking me if I want to hang out again, and within me the same energy of the determined decision of “I’m never hanging out with you again” came forth, but I went against that and said “yes…sure…” however, was not completely “for it” within my words .

So my question to myself is: why did I do that even though I told myself to never hang out with them again? Oh, because I’m afraid they will get mad at me if  I tell them I don’t want to hang out with them. I imagined if I were to say that, my friend would feel “hurt” and have a frown on her face, so “I don’t want to make her upset…” .

Now the problem within this is that I compromised myself. I did make a decision but did not completely stick to it. Yes, I understand the decision was based within energy, but was also very sure never to hang out with them again, but when I was asked to hang out with them “fell” within this decision.

So not only was I feeling uncomfortable about hanging out/making plans with this person, but that she wanted to spend the weekend with me with her friend and sister. I went along with it, she and I made some specific plans, and then I got sick, had to reschedule plans, and then the night before they were to come I had a major panic attack where I had difficulty sleeping. With the support from my partner, I found points were related to feeling like I had “no choice” but to hang out with them and believing it’s going to be like a time when I was a child being stuck with these friends and feeling like I have no way out to leave them and becoming emotional about it.

However, this point of “having no choice” to be with them does not align absolutely in reality because I did “have a choice” and I could have cancelled plans if I wanted to, even though if I were to cancel plans they would probably get upset plus I would a lot of waste money on some things we already reserved (showing me how much I trapped myself in shit).

The interesting thing was: I ended up actually enjoying myself with them, and I was very surprised with this, and even looked at what did I make such a big deal about in the first place, I’m having fun…. until it came time for when I wanted to go home, but one of the girls wanted to hang out longer to go shopping, and I stayed with her and from this, saw myself go into backchat, judgements and then the enjoyment started to decrease and I felt like I was back to where I was in the beginning not wanting to be with her. I did not stand up to her within my decision to leave but compromised myself again.

So, one thing I’m going to look at this point of “choice” and having “no choice” when I am out with friends. Also, I will most specifically start going back to my childhood and look at the memories I have there from when this pattern of wanting to please friends/not wanting to get my friend’s mad began, which I can see started when I was in elementary school, about 10-11 years old. This will be most interesting to explore. Thanks for reading!

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