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My supervisor at work said I am doing a “great job” and within me I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to handle or direct the compliment. I am not sure how to feel about it, or what to do when I am given a compliment. Like, I understand ‘thank you’ can be acceptable to say back, but within me I feel quite uncomfortable. I usually do not receive compliments and I don’t really like them.
I remember my previous supervisor also saying to me I am doing a good job and I reacted in fear when he said that because like I said – I didn’t know how to handle/direct that, or how to feel/experience myself. I said thank you – but it was not genuine.
My partner mentioned that this type of ‘compliment’ I received from my supervisor was system feedback – meaning, I was receiving feedback, or a compliment about my work performance within the work/job system. It’s nothing personal – it’s simply that how I was doing in my job was that I exceeded the requirements for performing my job at an acceptable level, and the supervisor wanted to express that to me. It was what I would define a very nice moment from my supervisor. I in a way was touched he open that point up for me because I did not know how I was doing, I was unsure if what how I was doing the job was “okay”, so receiving feedback from him was actually quite nice/cool, however, the way I reacted from that was not cool.
I realize there’s no need for me to react when given a compliment. I do not know exactly why I feel uncomfortable – it could be that I just do not give myself enough credit or recognition, not really wanting to stand equal to the points/parts of me that another sees in me due to ideas and judgments I have of me. I may just be so use to being negative on myself that I do not want to accept that I am doing a good job on something – like what I do is ‘never enough,’ or I should ‘never be happy’ with myself sort of pattern. What would be cool is if I redefine the word “great” for myself at a later stage.
Anyways, what I will do though is continue with working how I do at my job but also look at other ways/means/opportunities to learn and expand myself within what I’m doing so I don’t remain stagnant.
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Continuation from: Day 131 – Beating Myself Up For Mistakes
While talking to my partner I realized a part of me is afraid to resume/return to my old job because I would have to work with a new group of people and I am not sure what that’s going to be like and how they’re going to be and how the work will be like, and then who am I going to be with them? This makes me go into an uneasy experience where I am feeling uncertain about myself and job ahead, and also there is this fear of being humiliated and embarrassed by being in this new work environment and making mistakes and me thinking I’m going to look like a fool and afraid to be judged by others, I mean, this type of stuff is unnecessary to worry about and only ego-stuff of wanting to look/be a certain way. A lot of unnecessary worrying about the social-aspect of the job instead of doing the job at the best of my ability. I don’t know what to really expect, except that I am aware of the job but not the specific tasks. The anxiety within it is really unnecessary and only a problem that keeps me in a state of fear and unnecessary worry and really unnecessary energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid to return to my old job because I know I will have to work with a new group of people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid to work with a new group of people because I don’t know who they will be and what they will be like.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of not knowing who these new group of people will be because I see, realize and understand that I find myself to be not ready/comfortable/confident to work with a new group of people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be uncomfortable working with a new group of people because I don’t feel comfortable with myself to work with a new group of people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be uncomfortable working with a new group of people because I don’t know how I’m going to be with them and how I’m suppose to be with them, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I have an idea/belief/expectation on how I must/should be.
This is a short blog tonight, and I will continue with this point in the next blog post…
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