227. Expressing and Standing in my Words

Continuation from:
Day 224: To become a Leader… 
Day 225: Fear of Being Disliked
Day 226: Who am I if I Just Want to Please Others?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so afraid about expressing myself and who I am really in front of others because I am afraid to be judged and criticized, thus indicating to me that I have yet to be able to stand in my own shoes and be able to stand within what I express/speak, because I realize if I am really 100% absolute in what I speak of and stand for, and am that exactly, then others words should not influence/effect me because I would know who I am

I commit myself to investigate the memories, thoughts and emotions that are hindering/preventing me from being able to stand within who I am and what I stand for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of speaking to friends about politics and how the world is really not a great place, that there is some serious shit we as humanity need to fix because I am afraid they are going to counter act or fight against what I speak and share because of memories of family members speaking up against what I have found in this world

I commit myself to walk through the memories and fears I have of when my mom and I got into a conflict after something I had intimatly expressed with her because I realize I found it to really be a vulnerable part of me that I hadn’t expressed with my mom before and did but then took her reactions/responses to what I’ve shared personally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking about solutions to the world system to my mother because I fear she not agreeing with me, and actually making me feel like I’m dumb and stupid, not realizing only I can make myself feel that way, that I can only make me believe and feel stupid for speaking up

I commit myself to realize that what I stand for — which is a solution of creating a world best for all, which starts with changing the money system, is going to take a lot of courage and guts to stick with and stand for this since it goes against many people’s programming and thoughts about how the world works, but because I know it is the only way to really bring a world best for all, it is my responsibility as a human being to make sure that I am clear with what I stand for, to be that +1 of support, so that whatever anyone says to me I do not crumble into criticism or judgement, but stand with who I am and what I support

I do stand for a money system where all are taken care of, where all are provided enough financially to live comfortable lives. Of course that is not what we have today and many people may actually disagree with having such a system, but I would like one, and it takes courage to stand up for something like this because it is new, it is different, and is something that will make big differences in the lives of others, I simply can see that I have fears of hearing others words of disagreement and judgement towards what I stand for

Within this, I realize that the criticism, judgements and fears I’m afraid people are to say to me, like me being dumb or stupid for supporting such a cause/group/way is because I have personal connections, memories and associations to the words dumb and stupid, where I allow those words to really affect me and thus I require to redefine them, so from this, I commit myself to redefine the words DUMB and STUPID

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having others shut me down and criticize me, mocking me for what I stand for, not realizing I have yet to build the strength within me to be able to NOT allow others words get to me, and that this indicates that I require more education and understanding to strengthen and build myself and my stance so that when or if others ask questions, or criticize or judge what I have shared/expressed I have information and/or preparation on how to direct myself in such situations

I commit myself to assist and support me to build inner strength within what I stand and do, and I first do this by writing out what I stand for, and then work with how to stand with what I stand for and prepare myself for any back lash or conflict from others on my expression by understanding my weaknesses first so that I turn my weaknesses into strengths

Within this, I see, realize and understand I simply need to educate myself more on what exactly I stand for, and walk through any fears, emotions, and thoughts I have towards what others may think or say about what I stand for, to prepare myself and give myself direct on what I will do and say when/if situations of conflict or discussion occur, where I express myself completely within consideration of my words, behavior and interaction with others, so I do not compromise myself and stick to what I see is self-honest and best for all in the moment

I commit myself to educate myself more on my mind, the mind consciousness system in general, and solutions to our global money system so that I have more knowledge and information to support me in my decisions of where I stand and what I stand for

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Day 61: I Don’t Want to Be Seen As Weak

I see this point started when I was in fifth grade when I became friends with X and Y. I see that I wanted to maintain and stay friends with X but as Y as a ‘rival’ because she had been friends with X longer and to me seemed like X liked her more, so being with X I had a continuous fear that somehow I was going to lose my friendship with her so I began changing myself and my personality so she could ‘like me’ more but this did backfire because she began to not like me and also I became uncomfortable within myself because I saw what I was doing yet because I wanted to be friends with her I kept compromising myself. For example, I got invited to X’s birthday party and I really didn’t want to go but I felt like I had to go because if not I our relationship/friendship would end. So when I did go to the party I really didn’t enjoy myself and really regretted it.

Looking at it now, I didn’t have any other friends to be with in fifth grade so I stuck with X for fear of having no one else to really talk to and hang out with. I stuck with X because I knew her from the fourth grade and she accepted me and was nice to me most of the time. With the other classmates in fifth grade I didn’t really get along with anyone… no one ‘stood out’ to me; there was no one I connected with.

There is that survival point — like making sure I have friends because if I don’t I will look weak or not be accepted in my environment so in school I had to make sure I looked ‘okay’ at all times by having friends. This is where I can see a personality started, from this fear of looking weak, of not looking “okay” and I need to be seen ‘strong’ and ‘okay,’ by having friends and be accepted in my environment so I do not physically manifest my fears of looking weak.

I made sure throughout my school years to not to look weak at all and did what I could to look strong and okay. I was disregarding and ignoring myself by putting on such a personality trying to maintain this friendship with X that obviously wasn’t supporting me at all but I continued with it cause I had no one else to hang out with and I feared being alone and be seen weak/vulnerable.

Okay, so I will take responsibility for these points and apply Self Forgiveness in the next blog post, thanks.

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