228. My Relationship with Alcohol – Part 1

I’ve been receiving invitations to events where it is encouraged to drink alcohol with people. Like for example being invited to a travel company party held at a local bar.  One insecurity is the fear people are going to judge me as strange for not drinking with them and this will prevent me from getting opportunities through them simply because ”I don’t fit in.” Within this I see it’s not just about me not drinking alcohol, it’s WHO I AM when I’m around others and my attitude toward not drinking alcohol.

People say they feel more relaxed and confident when they drink, and of course I’d like to be that — relaxed and comfortable in who I am/in my skin. But people resort to alcohol to get into this experience. I want to be able to attend these events and order a non-alcoholic drink and be comfortable and confident with me, interacting with new people. So it really isn’t about the alcohol, it’s more being confident and comfortable in me and with what I stand for.

Some time ago a young woman asked me ”you don’t drink alcohol?!” and within that I felt insecure about this point, believing that I’m weird for not drinking and from that have justified I am a ”rarity,” in a shameful, embarrassed manner, as if I didn’t make the decision myself but that something or someone told me not to drink. Thus I found out I have been in conflict with knowledge/information of the harmful effects of alcohol and the desire to fit in and feel confident by drinking alcohol. So this is what I will work on —my relationship with alcohol, because I want to continue in my stand of not drinking it but I must work through my memories and points in order to stand in my decision 100% without any emotional movement (fear, anxiety, etc) in me.

To be continued.

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Educational & Supportive Websites:
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Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships

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Day 200: Walking a Point into Completion?

Today I listened to the EQAFE interview What is Self Awareness and one thing I realized was how I have the tendency to not bring points into completion. This can be seen in my blogs where I will start with a point and then the next day work on another point, and the first point thus gets left on the “back burner” and I cycle into this pattern and then resist going back to working on the old points. I understand that walking one point at a time into completion and correction allows self to receive the gifts of new insights and realizations of self-awareness that come within walking the specific process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist walking a point into completion because I have never really, truly, self-honestly done it before

I commit myself to pick one point and align my time and schedule to walking the point within a consistent manner so I develop consistency and also assist myself to practice walking points into absolute completion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the behavior of writing and focusing on one point, and the the next day walking a different point and from this, pushing the first point behind instead of bringing each point through into completion through my blog because I realize if I do not follow through on my points anger and irritation build up within me because I know self-honestly I am not sticking to one point and this only fuels/supports laziness within me. I realize it takes real dedication, “hard work” as effort, focus and discipline to be able to walk through a point into its completion, and from this I understand that gifts of self-awareness and realization will emerge the more I continue walking points through and within dedication

I commit myself to use myself as cross-reference to see whether I am pulling a point through enough by checking with myself self-honestly because I realize if I do not follow through on a point anger and irritation build up cause I know I’m not changing enough/as effectively, so I assist and support myself to align within walking each point to the best of my ability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed laziness and apathy to override the motivation to pull a point through by walking all the steps and dimensions required because of the resistance attached to the fact/reality that it’s going to take a while and require a lot of time and effort on my part to pull a point through into completion and from this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to push myself through the resistance when I face the fact/reality that I need to add more, investigate more, go deeper more in a point since I realize it takes time, effort and patience

I realize it is not something one can do within a certain expected time because I realize each point is unique and has it’s own energy and time-frame, thus I take and “treat” each point as the uniqueness it is and walk with no expectations about it, walking this point for me within the realization and starting point that walking this point will allow me to learn more about myself and empower myself to take control of my life and change myself from an energetic-consciousness-fueled robot to a self-aware being. I also realize gifts of insights and realizations come through the more I push through the resistances towards walking through a point to its utmost completion

I commit myself to push through any resistance I face towards finishing/completing a point by reminding myself that I am exactly where I need to be and through pushing through the resistance I will uncover more dimensions and gifts of insight that will assist me in actually getting the point done and from this I commit to live realizations that come through and redefine myself/who I am as I walk each point in its completion

Okay, I will stop here for today. I will continue with the point I recently left off with (redefining the word RELAX) for the next blog post…thanks for reading.

Day 187: The Word: SELF

Continuing from:
Seperating myself from…myself

Part 1 of Investigation of the word Self-Commitment

Let me first look at the word SELF:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word SELF through defining SELF in separation of myself instead of realizing SELF is ME as who I am currently existing right here, right now. I see, realize and understand that SELF is me as beingness as life-potential. I see, realize and understand that SELF is who I am and what I’m currently existing/living as right here and right now.

Sounding:

Sell-f, Shelf, Cell, I am one cell within a body (the universe) I am a part/cell of the whole/body and therefore I am not alone, I am an integral part of the whole/body because I am a part of it, I come from it and I can’t leave it

Dictionary Definition:

self

noun, plural selves.

1.a person or thing referred to with respect to complete individuality: one’s own self.

2.a person’s nature, character, etc.: his better self.

3.personal interest.

Okay, so ‘complete individuality’ I can see in relation the the word SELF. I see SELF as ME and I also see SELF as a part of the WHOLE. SELF as a cell in a body, it is a part of the body and is there to exist/do its part. So within SELF there is responsibility as well since SELF as CELL has its part/job to do in the body which means I have a part/job in this world, I am am integral point to its existence and I have the responsibility to support the whole/body and do my part because I come from it, it is a part of me/I am a part of it. I also see the part of individuality that I have a unique expression that is ME as SELF as WHO I AM as BEINGNESS as LIFE-POTENTIAL. Each individual/being in this existence has their own expression that is unique and individualized and we all come from the same source/body/whole yet individual/unique.

New Definition:

Self is ME as WHO I AM currently existing here in this moment

Practical Application:

Within SELF-honesty I look within to see who I am and what I’m currently existing and assess whether what I’m existing as/accepting and allowing is best for all or requires correction/change

Within SELF-Forgiveness I take responsibility for what I see I am currently existing that is not Best for All and from that, set forth direction to change

Within SELF-Writing, the writing is focused on me and what I’m currently existing as within what I see requires to be changed

Within SELF-Corrective Application I walk ME as who/how I currently exist as into change as correction, correcting me and/or training me into becoming/living in a way most supportive for me, as SELF as a part of the WHOLE/BODY of the universe

This is a work in progress. As I walk my process more dimensions/points about who I am as SELF/the word SELF will open up

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Journey to Life Blogs:
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Day 174: My Friends are Happy but I’m Unhappy

I was around 10, in the car with girls or “my friends” from my class. The girls were being loud in the car, talking. They sounded happy.

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from my friends through defining them as “happy” and me “unhappy” and from this, continue to manipulate myself in charging the negative experience within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my friend’s expressions, my friend’s enjoyment/happiness because I wasn’t enjoying me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not enjoy me with my friends because I did not let the anger go I had from me going to this party I didn’t want to go to

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that I made a mistake and that the result/consequence of me being here at this party I didn’t want to go to was due to my decision and thus I must accept it because I made myself be here and from this acceptance, I either leave or enjoy myself here otherwise I will continue to exist within a negative state of mind/experience and miss out on moments/opportunities where I can have fun and enjoy myself

When and as I see myself judging or defining others as being “happy” and me “unhappy,” I stop, breathe because I realize I am manipulating myself to fuel the negative experience within me where I don’t give myself the opportunity to express, explore, enjoy and expand me in the moment.

Therefore, I commit to assist and support myself to investigate what I am “unhappy” with so that I can find the point and direct it accordingly through self-honesty, common sense and the practical Desteni tools of self-correction/change.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to when I see myself angry about an issue that I had not let go of, to look within the point as to why I haven’t let it go – what is it about this point and the excuses/reasons/justifications that come up that I use to not let this go, and assit and support myself through self-honest writing and self-forgiveness to understand the point and use self-corrective statements and application to let it go. I see, realize and understand that if I do not let the anger go, the energy will over time accumulate and consequentially effect my physical body and health.

I commit myself to learn from my mistakes through understanding how I made them in the first place, by asking who was I when I made this decision I regretted, what did I do/who was involved/what was I thinking/existing within, so that I am clear on what to do next time when I encounter/walk into a similar situation again.

When and as I see myself at a party or event that I am not enjoying myself at, I breathe and investigate how can I assist and support myself here where I can make the best of this moment and enjoy myself. Within consideration of where I’m at and who I am with, I assess for myself whether leaving is the appropriate/best option or if I am not enjoying myself because of internal mind points I use self-supportive tools of self-forgiveness and self-correcting application to assist me in immediate change.

Will continue with more self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements/commitments in the next blog post.

Check out these awesome sites:

Journey to Life Blogs:
Journey to Life 

FREE Self-Help Interviews:
EQAFE Downloads

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Awesome Life & Living Support:
Desteni Website

Desteni Wiki
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EQAFE – Self-Perfection Merchandise

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Day 167: Self-Consciousness & Self-Nourishment


I have lost a considerable amount of weight due to having a bout of health issues, and because of this, find myself to be very self-conscious about going to work and having to face people with this sudden weight loss. When I saw the scale this morning that I lost 2 more pounds I immediately reacted in fear. A thought about being so skinny I was to become sick from it came up, however, from my food journal yesterday I saw that I did not eat a lot, and ate foods with low calories (cooked vegetables and yogurt, for example) so perhaps this is probably why I lost this weight.

The emotional and feeling contributions to this point is that I have for some time existed in a lot of fear about foods to eat, fear that some foods would trigger a sinus infection, or nausea leading to vomiting, or gastritis (inflammation of the stomach lining) because I feared getting ill/sick from these again, and what do you know, the more I feared, the more sick I became and/or the symptoms persisted. The Quantum Systematization Memories and Illness interviews assisted me in understanding how this all works.

It was only today did I realize: look, I need to stop fearing foods and getting sick. I haven’t been eating much and I’ve been really strict with myself because of that. Let me do some more research on how I can incorporate/add more foods to my diet. I need to nourish me more… I saw that I haven’t been nourishing me, on a mental and physical platform. I was within my mind in a state of fear/paranoia of being sick and fear of eating certain foods and then the physical where my stress/fear suppressed my appetite.

It took a chat with Sunette to have me realize the origin of my stress, or the starting point of why I have become so sick comes from a specific fear I have not yet sorted out. I looked at, if I had sorted this point out to begin with I wouldn’t have to go through all of this, but it’s irrelevant now, I have walked through my consequence. Now I walk this fear in personal writings and when clear/confident, will share publicly.

I also received assistance through a Chiropractor-Kinesiologist who flag pointed my spleen, which indicated low self-esteem, and upon doing research on the spleen through Chinese medicine and read that if one exist in a victimized state they can create sinus infections for example (and sinus infections were what was bothering me the most here). I found that fascinating because I do see where I have gone into a victimized state about personal matters in my life. I am gaining more understanding on my points, which is cool.

So let me first start with taking responsibility with this one point: find myself to be very self-conscious about going to work and having to face people with this sudden weight loss.

self-con·scious 
adjective
1. excessively aware of being observed by others.
2. conscious of oneself or one’s own being.

[dictionary.com]

Self Forgiveness:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be self-conscious about going to work on Monday and having to face my co-workers because I am showing them me as my ‘changed’ body from the weight loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my co-workers to be concerned about my weight loss by asking me “are you okay?” because I think/believe me having lost weight is something to worried/asked about.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the more strict and fearful I am about the foods I put into my body, the more I deny me nourishment from a mental and physical level, and thus the more the body will be deprived of resources/nutrition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it’s embarrassing for me to lose so much weight in such a short period of time because it catches people’s attention and from that, “I’m the center of attention.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being the center of attention in front of others at work because of my drastic weight loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others to question, think about or gossip about my weight loss in their minds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to gain weight before I go back to work so than people will just see me as “normal.” I realize what I classify as “normal” is me at the weight I was before I got sick, so that means I am judging what I weigh now as “not normal” even though my weight is not a problem according to medical info online so it’s not like the weight I am now is abnormal/not healthy for me right now.

I will continue with this point in the next blog post. Thank you.

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Day 145: I’m Not Bad…Just Misunderstood…

image source

Continuation from:
Day 144: Consequences of Snarky Remarks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically judge myself within and as self-punishment of defining/judging/seeing myself as as “bad” person for speaking about another through making fun of them, within arrogance and without consideration of the impact/consequence of my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a “bad” person for making fun of another and defining making fun of another as “bad.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect making fun of another as “bad”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give negative value towards making fun of another and from this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define making fun of others as “bad” thus charging it with negative energy.

I see, realize and understand that making fun of another is is an action within separation and ignorance of consequences, consideration and awareness towards another as self, equal and one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as a bad person because I made fun of someone instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I existed within a point of arrogance where I felt like I had the freedom to say whatever I could about someone and did so to stimulate/get a response from another so I could feel better about myself because in the moment before making fun of another I felt obligated that I had to say something to keep the conversation going and found that making fun of another to be what can stimulate/bring the conversation to a response instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I don’t have to add to the conversation if there is nothing else to say, and self-honesty I saw that there really wasn’t anything relevant to say.

To be continued…

Check out other Journey to Life Blogs:
Journey to Life 

FREE Self-Help Interviews:
EQAFE Free Downloads

FREE Self-Development/Life Skills Course:
DIP Lite

Additional Support:
Desteni Website

Desteni Wiki
Desteni Forum
Equal Life Foundation
EQAFE – Self-Perfection Merchandise

Day 76: "I’ll be Diligent and Focused TOMORROW…" Thought & Memory

Continuation from the blog post: Resistance to Writing – Thought – Part 1 where I wrote about one thought I had that connected to my resistance to writing and it was: “Me in the Process of Writing but Being Frustrated.”

The second thought I am investigating is the thought of “Me Writing the Next Day Diligently and Focused.”

This thought comes up as an image of “me at my desk writing diligently and focused the next day.” This thought is an idea I created within myself of who I WANT TO BE when I am writing – diligently and focused and instead of actually becoming that when I write I believe that tomorrow I will be that, but this is an excuse not to put in the effort and write that day, and I know that I won’t ever be diligent and focused in writing if I keep postponing the writing and thinking to myself I’m going to be diligent and focused tomorrow

I can see I can trace this thought back to a memory when I wrote in my notebook after a period of time when I stopped my participation in Desteni due to chasing desires and I basically got to a point where I had enough of the b.s. I was existing in – I was in a difficult situation I got myself into and I knew what I had to do – so I sat on my couch and wrote out everything that was bothering me – I got it all out because I held a lot in, and I was what I would describe as very ‘diligent and focused’ because I was essentially letting the information flow out of me about a specific point that was bothering me, and as I was writing, I saw the solution, and I literally felt better, like a load came off of me because it was within me writing intimately to myself without reaction or judgement that I got to see what was really going on inside but then my writing got interrupted by a family member calling me to dinner and I became startled and felt the intimate experience I had when writing out myself got violated and I didn’t want to stop writing but felt obligated to go to dinner so I left my writing and went to dinner. When I came back I sat down and tried to apply the writing but nothing came out as before, I became frustrated and felt stuck. I wanted to continue writing as I did before but felt like I couldn’t anymore, so I just put the notebook away.

The words “diligent” and “focused” will be re-defined in future posts, but I’m going to walk through Self Forgiveness on the above thought and the memory in the next blog posts to come.

Thanks.

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Image Source: Damian Ledesma || DesteniArtists
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