226. Who Am I if I Just Want to Please Others?

Continuing from:
Day 224: To become a Leader…
Day 225: Fear of Being Disliked

I read through my previous blog and saw how easily I have connected talking to women to wanting to become friends with them, and giving value into that point, like when I talk to other women around my age or those I connect with, there is this desire to become friends with them or have a close relationship-friendship with them. I am also considering this may be in relation to fear of being alone, but that is a separate point I will look into later.

I attended a meeting and met three women I haven’t seen in a few days and there was the desire to have them like me. I can see I was afraid they were going to judge me and from that judgement not like me if I did not keep up with a smile and nice words.

What if for example they didn’t like me?

To imagine this scenario, I can see I would be very concerned and worried cause I would want to know WHY they don’t like me. Why do I care about WHY they don’t like me? Because maybe I could change or learn something about how I am around people that I may need to use when I walk into social situations with other women, cause I want to make sure that when I interact with others that what I am doing and saying is okay and will be accepted and approved in the group.

So here I can see a few points: One is that behind the worry and concern I want to create and change myself into someone who is perfect in every way so that whoever I talk to, I speak and express in a way that will create an outcome where they will like me, entirely, within everything I say and do.

Now looking at this point, that is so unrealistic. Even if I were to be self-honest, and do what I see is best, and speak in common sense, I may trigger some movements or reactions in others and so, those reactions and movements are for self to take responsibility for, and that they may not like me for that, for triggering points in them.

The point I see here is that I would want to shape myself according to what I think and perceive would please other people, but my god, then where am I in this equation? Meaning, if my intention is to be someone that pleases another, then I don’t even give myself the space to express me when I speak to others, but that I communicate to others based on how I think they would want me to communicate and be to them. So I would be giving up my self expression just to please or benefit other’s and their minds. I can see how I have existed in this point for most of my life, is this tendency to change and shape myself and my words in a way so that people will like me, or that I will please them and their minds enough where they will see me in a positive way/light.

So now comes my question is how to be me when I am around others? To express and be me and share my words and common sense, expressing me while taking my words, actions and others into consideration to create an outflow best for all without the fear of other’s reactions.

So it’s like the age-old question: Who are you?

Who am I if I have been someone who pleases others and shapes myself to please others just so I can avoid conflict, people not liking me, and being alone? Who am I as a leader, expressing and changing myself according to what other people want from me and think of me?

Will continue more in the next blog…

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Day 169: Why Do I Feel So Tired When I Hang Out With Friends?

I notice that when I am around this friend of mine I end up feeling very tired and drained around her. Today when I was with her and she expressed herself I felt so tired it was if I couldn’t even talk. I had a chat with my partner today and he said he went through a similar point and it was because when he was with his friend/friends he compared himself to them and judged himself a lot. So I’m going to look at these points for me, especially judgments and beliefs I have when I am with my friend.

What I would like to do for myself is walk through this point of feeling suppressed/tired and unable to communicate/express myself around my friend and understand where this is coming from so I can get to the bottom of this and find ways/solutions to become comfortable expressing/being me around this friend.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become incredibly tired when I am around my friend

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so tired it is as if I cannot talk to my friend, instead of realizing I can talk, I am able to talk to my friend, the tiredness is an energy that FEELS so heavy it is as if I cannot talk, but I really physically can talk when I push through the energy, I have a physical sound voice and therefore, am able to use it to express me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if my voice won’t matter or count when I am with my friend through the belief/idea that she doesn’t really care what I say

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get the idea that my friend doesn’t really care about what I say because of memories/moments in the past where she did not seem to have interest or care into what I was talking about/sharing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my friend’s behavior personally when I shared a personal insight/ point to her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my friend’s behavior of her interrupting me and looking for something she dropped in her car as a reason to justify why what I just said was not important

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret my friend’s acitons and behaviors as justifications why what I have said was not important because she essentially “ignored me”/did not respond or react to what I said

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect my friend to react or respond to what I just shared and when she didn’t react/respond to what I shared, I took that personally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my friend’s behaviors and actions towards not giving me her attention and responding to what I just shared personally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge what I had shared to my friend as “not good enough” because my friend did something else instead of responding/adding to the discussion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that maybe what I said caused a resistance within her mind and that’s why she did something else than adding/responding to what I just shared instead of realizing that I do not know why she did what she did – I have no access to her mind – I only have access and responsibility to mine, and so I realize that as I understand myself and my mind more that I am also able to understand others and why they do the things they do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take one moment of my friend not responding to something I shared and add that to my reasons why I should not share or express myself, because what I say isn’t important and doesn’t matter – “she doesn’t care and there’s no point for me to share.”

I see, realize and understand that I am just as equal as her in sharing myself to another, and if another does not have anything to say to what I shared or if they do something else, then so be it – I should not take such things personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate me into believing that what I had shared and expressed to my friend wasn’t important or meant to be considered or listened to because her behavior of looking for something after I shared my point was not what I wanted or expected  

I shared an insight I had about the world and my friend did not respond but instead like interrupted me because she was preoccupied with something else and thus, did not even hear what I said. So within this, took that behavior personally, thought what I shared wasn’t important and got quite mad. I see that me reacting in anger towards this point shows that I also exist within this behavior toward others.

I will continue with this point in the next blog post.

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Day 136: Fear of Expressing Myself Self-Commitment and Self-Corrective Statements

Self-Commitment and Self-Corrective Statements from:


I see, realize and understand that my discomfort working with a new group of people has actually nothing to do with them personally, but has to do with me not feeling confident/comfortable in my own skin.

I see, realize and understand that being comfortable/being confident in my skin are attributes/traits I need to work on to overcome my discomfort/fear of working with new people.
I see, realize and understand that I don’t know who exactly I will be working with, but I do know the tools to utilize to assist and support me to walk through fears/reactions I have in relation to working with a new group of people, so –

I commit myself to use writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to assist and support me to develop confidence within myself and who I am in relation to working with a new group of people by specifically, self-honestly seeing what it is I’m reacting to/what memories are coming up, and walk the tools to let them go and change.


When and as I see myself to go into uncertainty within myself on how I should be around my new co-workers, I stop, I breathe and I don’t accept and allow myself to go into uncertainty because I realize that I have set up an idea/belief/expectation of who I should be in the work-place. I see, realize and understand that this uncertainty of “who should I be?” around others indicates I have some points of self-acceptance I need to look into, so I commit myself to assist and support myself to investigate and develop self-acceptance for myself by understanding where I have separated myself from myself through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.



Walking Self-Commitment and Self-Corrective Statements from:

I see, realize and understand that I am the only one who can allow myself to suppress myself/who I am when I am around others, so I commit myself to assist and support myself to flag any point where I find myself suddenly compromising/suppressing who I am around others and walk it through common sense, self-honesty, writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to no longer accept and allow myself to suppress.

I see, realize and understand that this fear of being harmed, on a beingness/self level comes from memories/past experiences where I perceived that another’s words towards me ‘harmed me’ and therefore I must in some way ‘protect myself.’ From this, I commit myself to assist and support myself to walk memories where I perceived/felt I was emotionally/verbally harmed/abused and/or traumatized by another/others and ‘need to protect myself’ through writing, and release these memories through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application so I no longer fear I have to protect myself/my beingness/who I am and can, at ease, express myself.

I see, realize and understand that I have blamed others for making me suppress myself, instead of realizing it’s me suppressing myself when I perceive being threatened and allowed this to become an automated pattern I created from fear and lack of awareness. From this, I commit myself to stop this pattern by walking back through writing and self-forgiveness to see how this pattern of suppressing myself when feeling threatened by others came about and use self-corrective application to change/stop this pattern.

When and as I see myself blame someone for me suppressing me/my expression, I stop, I breathe, and I bring the point back to myself in seeing, realizing and understanding that it is me suppressing myself due to my own reactions that originate within and from my mind. Within that, I immediately stop and let go of the blame and I assist and support myself through self-introspective writing, self-honesty, self-forgiveness to investigate what of within myself am I still accepting and allowing that makes me/leads to me suppressing myself.

I see, realize and understand that I give power to other’s words/reactions/behaviour to have control and influence over me and how I express myself. This is unacceptable because what does that say about me? It says I accept and allow other’s to control and enslave me, I allow myself to be a slave to others. If I accept and allow this in me, I also accept and allow this to exist within others.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop fearing to express myself by stopping the points behind me going into self-suppression, such as allowing other’s words/reactions/behaviours to be the points that I allow myself to suppress myself from.

I see, realize and understand that the reason why I react towards others and go into self-suppression from there is due to me within my own mind having certain specific energy relationships/connotations/definitions towards specific words that others speak, reactions they show and behavior they portray. From that, I see, realize and understand that it is these relationships/connotations/definitions that I need to work on within myself and stop/change. From there, I commit myself to use writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application in self-honesty to walk and understand these reactions and energy relationships/connotations/definitions I have towards words others speak/reactions they show/behaviours they portray and stop/change/re-define these points into what or who I would like to be in relation to that which is Best for All.

I commit myself to stop justifying that this pattern of suppressing myself is who I am, when it is in fact not, but a pattern I have created over time by participating in specific thoughts, memories, backchats and now I need to walk, understand and let go of this pattern by walking the Desteni tools.

I commit myself to use writing, self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to understand why I don’t want to change and put in the effort to change/stop this pattern of suppressing myself around others.

I see, realize and understand that this belief I have that it’s impossible to change/stop this point is a beLIEf, a mind perception that I allow to exist as a means to prevent me from changing. So, I commit myself to assist and support myself to understand why I am allowing this belief to tell me who I am, why am I giving power to this thought in my mind? What is it I fear letting go of?


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Day 133: Fear of Expressing Myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be uncomfortable working with a new group of people because I don’t know how I’m going to be with them and how I’m suppose to be with them, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I have an idea/belief/expectation on how I must/should be. – See more at: http://michellesjourneytolife.blogspot.co.at/#sthash.NDbCfTe1.dpuf
Continuation from: Day 131 – Beating Myself Up For Mistakes – See more at: http://michellesjourneytolife.blogspot.co.at/#sthash.wY6CMKG8.dpufI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable working with a new group of people because I fear being myself around others/th

Continued from:
Day 131: Beating Myself Up For Mistakes
Day 132: Fear of Working with a New Group of People

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being myself around others/a new group of people because I’m afraid I can’t protect my emotions and feelings as reactions if I feel/perceive they are threatening my expression instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that they/others cannot actually threaten my self-expression – only I can accept and allow myself to suppress my self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid to not be able to protect my emotions and feelings instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it’s not actually me wanting to protect emotions and feelings, it’s wanting to protect me/my beingness/self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having my beingness/self-expression be attacked verbally by others because I fear being harmed.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being harmed by another because I perceive it to be uncomfortable, painful because of a memory I have where I was mimicked/made fun of by X and I took it as a personal attack towards me/my beingness/who I am and suppressed myself/shut myself down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I was allowing myself to suppress myself automatically without awareness and fear expressing myself naturally in front of X instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I put the blame on X for making me suppress myself/my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself naturally in front of X because of how he responded/reacted towards me instead of seeing, realizing and understand that I allow other beings words/reactions/behaviours to influence/effect the freedom to express myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed other beings words/reactions/behaviors to influence/effect the comfortability of expressing myself as myself towards others and feel the desire/need to justify that this is an automated pattern and is just the way I am instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am using this excuse to not change and bring/put in the effort to change/stop this pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that allowing other’s words/reactions/behaviors to influence/effect the comfortability of expressing myself as myself towards others is an automated pattern and is just the way I am so I do not look into this point and walk the process to change/stop it because I believe/think it’s impossible to change/stop this point, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is a belief I have, a mind perception not based in reality but only existent in my mind that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define/believe myself to be.

The self-corrective and commitment statements will be walked in a separate blog. I am not done walking this point, so will continue with more in the next blog post…

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Day 117: Communication & Stifled to Express

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Today I attended an event where I was obligated to look after children with a teacher for about 4 hours. Last year I was also with her during this event and we talked and it was actually quite cool, but today I had resistance to talk to her – the repeating backchat was “I don’t want to talk to her.” There was this idea that I’m too weird, too quiet, and not sociable enough due to belief I’m someone who doesn’t communicate and socialize as much as others in my work place and there is this memory of someone saying to me that I’m too shy and that if I want to become a teacher I need to socialize more with co-workers/teachers, and I took that personally and interpreted that as me being who I am and why I don’t talk as much as the others as “bad”/negative, and I was confused, anxious and unsure on how I ‘should communicate/be’ to the teachers, and then thought to myself maybe I don’t have the right social skills… 

I’m not into gossiping and I don’t like to talk much about my personal life while I’m at work and yet I understand that it’s “normal” to have daily communication with co-workers.  I find a ‘hello, how are you?’ cool, but there’s no need to for example, complain about something that your neighbor did last night at work. Work is not social hour, I mean this is what I understand from the EQAFE Behind the Scenes of Office Politics interview , the social aspect and drama/gossip should not be the focal point in the work-place – the job itself and what you need to do and doing the job well should be.

Another point I need to mention here is that today while talking to a student I was trying to communicate something to him but was left stifled and frustrated, unable to find the words to express myself. I realized that my vocabulary is limited, and I couldn’t find the words that I wanted to express.  Looking at this point more, even as a child I would have difficulty describing how I felt or what I wanted to communicate about and would use an incorrect word or would replace a word I didn’t know with something I thought was similar but it didn’t come out right, and some family members would make fun of how I would use words to try and get across what I was trying to commnicate about – so this is interesting to see.

Another point with words and communication is that when I am talking to my partner, or writing to him, he would sometimes ask me questions to clarify what I’m communicating about and every time this happens I am ‘hit’ with the reality of how important it is for me to be specific when communicating to him/others – and how much I need to develop this – because I may have a point I want to share/express, but if I can’t fully express and share exactly what that point is in specificity and/or detail, how can they know what I am trying to say exactly?  This point of communication brings me to the video done by Sunette Spies: Physical Communication which I will have a listen to to refresh my understanding on how to communicate effectivley with another being.

So what I will do is ibreak down each paragraph and go through them with more writing and Self-Forgiveness.

“Realise the simplicity of Walking each Moment, each Breath – to Conclude a Result that you are Confident, you can Stand by and your Confidence will Grow just like you Build Words in a Child’s Life and eventually your World will be the Result of your Presence and Certainty. In this, remaining Self Honest and not Allowing Meanings to be given to Words in ALL its Dimensions other than What the Best Meaning for the Word will be to Result in What is Best for All – is the Key, that will weather All Storms; until we have a World of Peace and Harmony. Because, we had to break it down to little tidbits of Breath by Breath, it will seem like it will take a Long time – we only do it this way, so we don’t make Mistakes and end up with a Much Longer Journey. So, we are walking it in the shortest possible time, practically -which will eventually become the Way every Child will be Taught and why Every Child will Result in a Human of Excellence with a Life worth Living. Because every Word will be Worth it.” -Bernard Poolman

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Day 91: Fear of Facing Person "X"

Self-Forgiveness on fear facing and having a conversation with someone who I will call “X.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing X because I’m afraid of what they’re going to say to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see X as superior to me in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see X as someone intimidating in which I perceived me to be inadequate and less than X. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and believe myself to be inferior and inadequate to X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself become nervous  when X is in my presence and / or talking to me. I see, realize and understand that to investigate the exact beliefs / thoughts / backchat / memories through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application that I have towards this person will assist and support me in understanding the exact reason / cause as to why I become nervous and fear X so I can change and no longer exist in fear towards them.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to express me as me as self-expression when I am with X.
I commit myself to breathe when I am talking to X and let go of any fears or doubts within me when I’m with them.

I commit myself to work on developing self-confidence and self-expression by investigating my fears towards X through writing, self-forgiveness and correct myself through self-corrective statements and application so I am able to talk to X comfortably and without fear.

I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application investigate where I suppress  and limit my self-expression around others and assist and support me in understanding how to practically walk me into self-confidence.


More to come…


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Day 63: Changing Myself So I Can Maintain a Friendship Self Commitment Statements

This is a continuation from the blog posts: 
1) I Don’t Want to Be Seen as Weak
2) Changing Myself So I Can Maintain a Friendship

I commit myself to investigate all areas of my life where I am compromising myself / changing myself as my self-expression for friends through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to assist and support myself to align myself back to self-expression.

I commit myself to investigate the fears I have within my friendships through which I find I change / compromise myself because of it through writing, self- forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I commit myself to look into and explore what it was that made me cling onto my friend so much as a child – what was it that she had within herself that I had not accepted within myself and from that, find a practical solution to actually LIVE that point myself.

I commit myself to look into how I am existing now within my friendships and through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application assist and support myself to align myself into someone Best for All within all my interactions with my friends.

I commit myself to investigate who I am in my interactions with friends, specifically how I talk and what I talk about, and through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application assist and support myself to become an effective person within my interactions with friends.

I commit myself to investigate how I see and define myself according to friends and assist and support myself through the Desteni tools to stop all limitations that I exist in and as.

I commit myself to write down all the fears I have – especially prominent fears that come up / exist within me every day and assist and support myself to stop those fears through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application so I can LIVE and walk my life with no fear.

I commit myself to investigate all areas / memories / moments of my life where I have blamed the outcome of an event or situation on another – such as for example, me blaming my friend for ending our friendship instead of looking at how I contributed to the point – so I commit to bring the point back to me and take responsibility for my part in the outcome / situation / event as the situation / event / outcome couldn’t have happened without my participation.

I commit myself to use the tools of writing, self-forgiveness and self corrective application to assist and support myself to interact with others as me, as self expression.

I commit myself to stop compromising myself for others as an attempt to please them by investigating why and how I do such things in my daily life and assist and support myself through the tools of writing, self-forgiveness and self corrective application.

I commit myself to let go of all the points that I keep holding onto to justify why I should be angry and blame my friend for ending the relationship because I realize that I was an integral part of why the relationship ended and holding onto the anger and blame will not and cannot change the past, as it already happened, so best to just let it go.



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