236: ”My Job is So Hard: Let me Feel Bad About Myself”

I started a new job — it’s a lot of work and information processing and I have the tendency of emotionally reacting quite easily towards it. This is what I found and walked:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate me into thinking and believing I have such a hard job and that I should feel really bad for myself and within that want to cry out of self-pity and victimization so I can “feel bad for me”

I realize my labors, my work is something I am allowing myself to get really emotional about, by victimizing myself to continue existing in a self-state of pity and regret instead of allowing myself to face every emotion and feeling existent I have about work so I can understand what is “hurting me emotionally” where I go into such a victimized state

I commit myself to stop victimizing myself and stop talking or thinking of my job as something to feel pity/sorry about, because I realize I am making myself seem helpless, all as an excuse not to work through my problems in writing

I commit myself to stop feeding the systems in me– the emotional systems I have so deeply defined myself as (ie: “an emotional person”) by stopping my participation in emotions of victimization/helplessness towards work because I see that this means I need to stand up and work through my problems

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect emotional overwhelmingness to the thought “(my work) is so hard” where I allow myself to go into a state of victimization towards work/my job by slumping my shoulders as though I am helpless and stuck being in this emotional state and condition for the rest of my life

I realize what is making my job so hard is not the physical labor but the EMOTIONS that I am allowing to continue existing and cycling in me, the emotions and memories/situations I did not walk and deal with myself/find solutions for myself and where I kept myself in a self-pity/self-victimization state for no other reason than as an excuse to act out on self-sabotaging behaviors like eating a lot of sugar/junk food to “de-stress” at the end of the work day

I commit myself to assist and support myself to use writing as the platform to write out every problem and emotion that is about/bothering me about work and find solutions for myself so I do not come into work, leave work and think about work in an emotional state of mind, but that through writing I write out every single problem and instance I need to process/come to terms with and from this, assist me in finding solutions

I will continue in future posts — thanks

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233. Jealousy – Wants & Desires SCS

Continued from:

When and as I see myself desire to go on luxurious paid trips, I stop and I breathe. I realize it is a desire and thus not practically here in this moment, so I assist and support myself to do some deep breathings and keep myself focus on stabilizing myself in my life and walking my process daily through real time application since I realize that is what really matters/is important now

When I see myself become jealous X through their pictures and reading their words of their adventures, I stop and I breathe. I realize that they are 1% of the 99% of people on this planet able to experience such luxurious/glamorous/exciting situations/events while the majority actually live in less-than-optimal lives and thus wasting energy of jealousy on someone’s life is USELESS because it will get me nowhere and does nothing for me except keep me emotional while I instead can use the energy to work on me and my process, so from this –
I commit myself to stop and let go the jealousy energy when I see the positive, nice luxurious and fun life of X and instead practice in keeping me focused and grounded and humble with where I am and what I need to do to keep me stable in my life and my self-relationship, improving who I am as an individual with what I do because I realize the bigger picture that with walking my process I can not only benefit my life but benefit the lives of others

I commit myself to realize only the 1% get chosen/picked through companies and organizations to attend these glamorous/exciting/luxurious events because they fit something the companies/organizations need/want in order to gain profit/attention and thus me getting jealous over someone who attends these events is pointless since such opportunities only fuel profit and the world system as is, where the companies/organizations do not care about you, but only care with what you can give to them to increase profit

When and as I see myself think and believe that I could have been chosen or that ”could have been me,” attending such glamorous/luxurious/exciting events when I see X at these places, I stop and I breathe. I realize that within me I can identify and see myself as being equally skilled and worthy of attending such events and yet I realize realistically I am not, and even though I really ”want to,” be at those events such energy on the desire of wanting to be there, and the energy of thinking/believing it could have been me attending those events are pointless and a waste of energy that can instead be used in supporting me in my life and process, so thus —

I commit myself to breathe and shift my focus from being jealous to asking the question ”how can I assist and support myself right now in this moment that will benefit me and my life?”

To be continued…

Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
Self & Living: Solutions to Personal Every Day Problems
EQAFE.com  Self-Improvement Interviews
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Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it’s Finest
8Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships

227. Expressing and Standing in my Words

Continuation from:
Day 224: To become a Leader… 
Day 225: Fear of Being Disliked
Day 226: Who am I if I Just Want to Please Others?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so afraid about expressing myself and who I am really in front of others because I am afraid to be judged and criticized, thus indicating to me that I have yet to be able to stand in my own shoes and be able to stand within what I express/speak, because I realize if I am really 100% absolute in what I speak of and stand for, and am that exactly, then others words should not influence/effect me because I would know who I am

I commit myself to investigate the memories, thoughts and emotions that are hindering/preventing me from being able to stand within who I am and what I stand for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of speaking to friends about politics and how the world is really not a great place, that there is some serious shit we as humanity need to fix because I am afraid they are going to counter act or fight against what I speak and share because of memories of family members speaking up against what I have found in this world

I commit myself to walk through the memories and fears I have of when my mom and I got into a conflict after something I had intimatly expressed with her because I realize I found it to really be a vulnerable part of me that I hadn’t expressed with my mom before and did but then took her reactions/responses to what I’ve shared personally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking about solutions to the world system to my mother because I fear she not agreeing with me, and actually making me feel like I’m dumb and stupid, not realizing only I can make myself feel that way, that I can only make me believe and feel stupid for speaking up

I commit myself to realize that what I stand for — which is a solution of creating a world best for all, which starts with changing the money system, is going to take a lot of courage and guts to stick with and stand for this since it goes against many people’s programming and thoughts about how the world works, but because I know it is the only way to really bring a world best for all, it is my responsibility as a human being to make sure that I am clear with what I stand for, to be that +1 of support, so that whatever anyone says to me I do not crumble into criticism or judgement, but stand with who I am and what I support

I do stand for a money system where all are taken care of, where all are provided enough financially to live comfortable lives. Of course that is not what we have today and many people may actually disagree with having such a system, but I would like one, and it takes courage to stand up for something like this because it is new, it is different, and is something that will make big differences in the lives of others, I simply can see that I have fears of hearing others words of disagreement and judgement towards what I stand for

Within this, I realize that the criticism, judgements and fears I’m afraid people are to say to me, like me being dumb or stupid for supporting such a cause/group/way is because I have personal connections, memories and associations to the words dumb and stupid, where I allow those words to really affect me and thus I require to redefine them, so from this, I commit myself to redefine the words DUMB and STUPID

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having others shut me down and criticize me, mocking me for what I stand for, not realizing I have yet to build the strength within me to be able to NOT allow others words get to me, and that this indicates that I require more education and understanding to strengthen and build myself and my stance so that when or if others ask questions, or criticize or judge what I have shared/expressed I have information and/or preparation on how to direct myself in such situations

I commit myself to assist and support me to build inner strength within what I stand and do, and I first do this by writing out what I stand for, and then work with how to stand with what I stand for and prepare myself for any back lash or conflict from others on my expression by understanding my weaknesses first so that I turn my weaknesses into strengths

Within this, I see, realize and understand I simply need to educate myself more on what exactly I stand for, and walk through any fears, emotions, and thoughts I have towards what others may think or say about what I stand for, to prepare myself and give myself direct on what I will do and say when/if situations of conflict or discussion occur, where I express myself completely within consideration of my words, behavior and interaction with others, so I do not compromise myself and stick to what I see is self-honest and best for all in the moment

I commit myself to educate myself more on my mind, the mind consciousness system in general, and solutions to our global money system so that I have more knowledge and information to support me in my decisions of where I stand and what I stand for

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Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
Self & Living: Solutions to Personal Every Day Problems
EQAFE.com  Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it’s Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships

225: Fear of Being Disliked

One of the points I want to focus on tonight is how as an organizer of a women’s group I have a fear of being disliked, or not liked by other women of the group.

This is something I have observed today when I met with one of my co-organizers and upon meeting her there was there very slight unsettling feeling/experience within me where I really had this desire to be liked by her, worrying and wondering if she likes me. I would observe her behavior, and for example when I saw she crossed her leg closest to mine over her other leg I took it as a sign that she was closing herself off to me and I went into a worry over what I did or what I may have been or looked like that made her close herself off at me. Thoughts within insecurity, worry and concern start coming up, where I question myself, and then thoughts of self-judgement and belief of ”I am awkward,” in relationships come up…I saw what I was doing in the moment and I knew this was a programmed pattern, that I did not have to believe in it, I saw the bullshit of it and I did not give into it completely, but I knew that the point was still there, I knew that the underlying problem/point of the fear of the women disliking me is what needs to be investigated.

If I am to be a solid, stable organizer of a group the least of my concerns should be about whether someone ”likes me,” I know it should not take over my awareness, me being here, organizing and interacting with the members in the group, but it currently exists in me so I am here to look into it.

So I will first begin with Self-Forgiveness over my interaction today with another woman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear, worry and concern over another’s behavior where they crossed their closest leg to me over their knee because I believe that is a sign they are closing themselves off to me and I took that personally thinking I did something that made them feel uncomfortable because that is not what I want them to be — I want them to be comfortable with me, yet I did not realize that I did not take into consideration that the other does not know me as well I do so they walk their own process of being comfortable with me thus I assist and support myself to simply do what I can to be myself within consideration of who I am in this moment with another

When and as I see another cross their leg away from me and I go into thinking they don’t like me, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I only get this idea because of psychology information that this behavior means the person is closing themselves off, or in the case of males, they are in ego, but that I should not take such information to heart and personally, because I realize that I am giving too much attention and concern over whether another person likes me instead of focusing on what matters and what the issue is at hand and whether I am being supportive to myself another, so from this, I commit myself to assist and support myself to simply let this fear/worry/concern over another’s crossed behavior go and simply focus on what matters, which is the physical, what’s going on in the physical and who I am in this moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take another’s behavior personally where I interpret I am the reason they are closing themselves off to me, that somehow it is my fault that they are like this not realizing that I cannot expect another to like me immediately and warm up to me immediately — each has their own process to walk of self-comfortability in interaction with others and the best I can do is to be as stable and supportive as possible for myself and another

I commit myself to assist and support myself to remind myself when I am with others and see myself fall into insecurity, worry and concern over why another’s behavior is not looking so open and warm to me, to not take it personally, because I know I want them to be open and like me, but I cannot expect that they will be like this since they are in their own process, so I let the worry/concern go and just focus on me and what’s going on in the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I did something wrong to make the other person not like me or be as open to me as I would like them to be, giving so much attention/worry/concern over another I am not even looking at me and who I am giving my power to: my mind of worry and concern about others instead of focusing on me and who I am and whether I want to be like this

When and as I see myself go so quick into worrying that I may have caused another to be upset with me — that I am the reason why they don’t like me or is not open with me, I stop and I breathe. I realize I am giving my energy and attention to too much worry and concern over others instead of assessing for myself who I am in this moment and if what I am doing and being is supportive. From this I commit myself to assist and support myself to stabilize myself through times where I give my power away to concern/worry about others by directing myself to who I want to be in this moment, which is someone who doesn’t give a shit about what others think of them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be awkward because I believe and have this idea I am not good with friends, that I cannot keep a long friendship, I cannot have or get a connection with another female because I am ‘just awkward’ not realizing that I want and desire a cookie-cutter friendship that I have seen personally and on TV/magazines where girls are just so close with each other and do everything together, like sisters, but as friends, and I realize that is what I had wanted as a child, and I envied two girls who had that connection and life/friendship with each other and I wanted that because I really believed that is what would fulfill me in that moment, is that sort of friendship/connection, not realizing that such connections/friendships are limited and to only fill a void that is a result of self separating words from self, which means I have many words to realign myself to become fulfilled within me, in fact

I commit myself to assist and support myself to redefine FRIENDSHIP and also see what words I have separated myself from that I see female friendships possess that I want to stand and live equal to

When and as I see myself believe me to be awkward around female relationships/friendships as a form of judgement, I stop and I breathe. I realize I am not 100% comfortable with myself around others, like females, and this is because I have some past issues to work with when it comes to female friendships, so I use this opportunity to assist and support myself to stabilize myself while interacting with females and work with my friendship points so that I am stable and comfortable with myself when I interact with other women

Will continue in the next blog post…

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Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
Self & Living: Solutions to Personal Every Day Problems
EQAFE.com  Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it’s Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding Consciousness, the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools 

Day 221: What I Realized After Not Getting the Job

I walked some private Self-Forgiveness in relation to my reactions towards not getting the job I wanted, and certain insights and realizations came through that I want to share here:

One of the points I realized from my writing today was how easily I create and give into certain ideas about myself and situations. For example, I believed that I was going to get this teaching job, and I convinced myself I was going to get it because of memories I held onto that fueled this belief, such as when the director of the school said I was their favorite candidate and that the head teacher said they will ”see me later” when we said goodbye. From these two instances I took their words ”to heart” and fueled them into the idea that I was going to get the job, because 1) I was their favorite, and 2) the head teacher really likes me and said see you later, possibly indicating I will see her when I get the job.

However, I was not certain I was going to get the job because I had to wait to officially find out. So even despite thinking/believing I was going to get the job according to an idea based on memories, reality still had yet confirmed if it was true. And this made me uncertain about the outcome, because the point is — only reality can confirm whether something is real or not, because even if I was the school’s favorite candidate, does not mean that I will be their favorite the next day, because possibly maybe another candidate comes in with better qualifications/skills and thus, everything changes- I am no longer the favorite. Then perhaps the head teacher, having said ”see you later,” could have been an empty goodbye (meaning, not being serious in that she really will see my later.)

I was first angry at myself for really believing I was going to get the job, like placing my entire trust in this idea, convincing myself because of this idea I had based on a few moments/memories of interaction with the school staff.

A second point is that the director of the school never called me or emailed me to tell me whether the job position was filled or not. I had to find out I didn’t get the job by looking on the school’s website. I had called the school about 2 weeks prior asking about the status on the job position and the director told me she would call after their holiday break, so I trusted her words and waited and didn’t hear anything, so took the initiative to check online for any news and lo and behold, the new teacher’s picture was on there.

Now, my reaction here was also anger because I felt and believed that what they (the director/School) did was not cool. Within that, I wanted to in someway show them that what they did was not right or fair, but today what I realized while watching a movie where Santa told Buddy the Elf that his father was on the ”naughty list” was that I allowed myself to be stuck within the right/wrong good/bad polarity toward the point, where I thought/believed what the director of the school did was wrong/bad as a form of judgement and I wanted to justify that being upset about it is right, but guess what! Being angry over this point is useless because it would in no way change the situation or the director of the school themselves. I need to move on/find another job. Their actions of not calling me is simply showing parts of human nature and the money system that we participate/exist in, where priorities are more focused on self-interest than considering others. So this is not something I should take personally or get emotional about because this is generally what we are all existing in, and this is something I can learn from. I can use this situation to enhance my social skills in making sure that if someone is waiting to hear from me about something, that I make sure I get back to them, and keep to my word.

I share some Self-Forgiveness here:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger towards the memory of when I was told I was the school’s favorite and I believed that was going to get me the job, instead of realizing how I should not take such statements and words to heart since it will only in fact be true when/if I get the job, because I realize how easily I believe in such words/statements from others instead of considering the reality that having the job will confirm the actual statement, so within this, I do see how I need to stop taking others words and statements to heart and to only really cross-reference such words through reality by asking questions, observing actions and events

Within this, I now see, realize and understand how ”gullible” (for lack of a better word) I am towards words and statements from others where I so easily believe in their words/statements towards me instead of actually staying grounded, considering how reality/the system words nor believe or define myself according to what people say about me/towards me, but to first check with myself, cross-reference for myself who I am and who I want to be, because I realize I have given a lot of value to what people have said to me, or promised to me, but words have fallen short, so I cannot trust people’s words entirely until it is proven through their actions and deeds, just like I have to prove who I am through my own words, actions and deeds

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify that I should be angry when I think about how another did not follow through with their word, instead of realizing that the anger within is indicating a point I exist in but do not want to see or face

I commit myself to become aware of when/where I say one thing but do not follow on my word, because I realize that by doing this shows through me and to others I am not trustworthy, and that I cannot stand in integrity, so I assist and support myself to flag point every point/facet I see within me where my words are not aligned with my actions, and direct myself to realign me into who I am/want to be through living/sticking to my word

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify that I should be upset at another for their actions instead of realizing how getting emotional/upset will do nothing to change the person, and that what matters is to actually cross-reference with myself to see if I exist in those same behaviors so then I can correct myself and not exist in it myself, to be able to stand as an example of what is best for all

I commit myself to stop justifying that I should/need to be angry over what another did to me and instead assist and support myself to see if I am existing in a similar point because the anger may also indicate a point I don’t want to see and take responsibility for, since I realize the core nature of us all is in self-interest, thus I want to change this part of me, so I do this by becoming more aware of my behavior and general attitude towards others and find solutions to stop/change this point

That is it for tonight. Thanks for reading.

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Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
EQAFE.com  Free Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it’s Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools 

Day 220: Reality Clashing with Personal Desires

I react in anger to the thought/backchat that I did not expect to stay with my roommates for this long – that by now I should be living with my partner in our own apartment. But the reality is, we are not rich and we have to wait until an apartment within our budget and requirements come along, so this is going to take longer than anticipated. Impatience and irritation also come up. Existing in such emotions is not acceptable, because getting emotional is not going to solve or help the situation get better and will make living more problematic. I can’t get everything my way, I need to be patient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to the thought/backchat of ”this is taking longer than expected” and from this, I realize how manipulating this thought is, where it fuels my temper tantrums instead of realizing this is not the way to exist/live, but to really take things practically, be mature and walk space-time in being patient and doing what I can with finding a good apartment

When and as I see myself react in anger to the thought ”this is taking longer than I expected,” I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to give in/participate in this manipulative thought because I know where this will take me — into temper tantrums tendencies so from this, I commit myself to instead keep a cool head, be mature about this point by walking the apartment-process day by day, searching for apartments and practice breathing within/as patience of the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak out in frustration to my partner, in a moment of reaction by saying ”I did not expect this to take so long,” as a point of blame, to project this problem unto my partner instead of taking responsibility myself in seeing that I am making it harder on myself and my partner for being so emotional/difficult, I need to be patient, because to actually get an apartment I need to actively search for them, and do the waiting, because this is how the process works, and this is what I need to do, this is how reality works, so making an emotional big deal out of it is unnecessary because the process that needs to be walked is what it is

When and as I see myself want to complain or project blame unto my partner about our living situation, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to do this because I realize acting out in such an emotional manner will not do anything to make the situation better and that if I were to see myself act like this in the eyes of another I would not be proud/happy with myself, so from this, I commit myself to stop complaining and/or projecting blame onto my partner about the situation because I know it’s a temper tantrum/personality coming out and that even if I were to express myself emotionally, it still will not make the situation better, so I practice breathing through these emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to the idea that the process of getting an apartment is taking so slow because I want an apartment now, instead of making peace with reality, in accepting my current situation as is, it is me who is making it harder than it should be

When and as I see myself react in anger to the idea/reality that this process is taking slower than I want, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to give in/participate in the anger because I realize it’s best to make peace with where I am in my situation, realizing I am only living temporarily with my roommates and in due time will be able to have my own living space

I commit myself to investigate the temper tantrum personality that exists within me where I want my wants manifested now and if not, will make an emotional big deal out of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to the reality/self-honest fact that I need to be patient, that my wants are not going to materialize quickly, that it is going to be a process to get an apartment I want, because that it how it is, so I need to train myself to make peace with reality, with how things work, I need to tell myself, communicate to my mind-self that I need to be patient

I commit myself to write out for myself how I am going to be patient within this apartment-hunting process, how am I going to live patience while walking this apartment-point and practice it until I become patience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the thought/backchat that we don’t have enough money to get a nice apartment quickly instead of realizing how I’m manipulating myself to keep existing/fueling emotions towards the reality/point that apartments will not be handed out to me, it is something I have to actively participate and do myself

When and as I see myself participate in the backchat/thought we don’t have enough money to get a nice apartment quickly, or ”if only we had a lot of money…” I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to give in/participate in this thought because I realize its manipulative where it will take me into generating anger, fueling my temper tantrum personality into then projecting blame/becoming emotional about the apartment-point. I realize this point comes from a personality, and I commit myself to understand this personality in more detail so I can find solutions on how to change it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to complain and throw my anger out towards another, towards my partner for not having my ”Dream/desire” manifest the way I want to because I want to have an apartment now, to have my own space, to be able to manage/organize/control my own environment, to be able to do things I want to do, go to sleep when I want to and within this can see I have control issues that come from my past where I have attached emotions to memories in my life where I have felt I have not been in control, where I couldn’t have things I wanted to because parents wouldn’t allow me. I realize, see and understand I have control issues that require to be investigated and changed.

I commit myself to change and stop my control issues and I do this by investigating, understanding and directing myself into what is best/most supportive for me in terms of how to change my control issues by walking the Desteni tools

Will look deeper into my temper tantrum personality and how to live patience in apartment-searching in the next posts, thanks.

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Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
EQAFE.com  Free Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it’s Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools 

Day 212: A Childhood Mistake

Continuing from:
Day 211: Health Paranoia

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to know everything in relation to all the ways, treatments and steps to prevent or heal a disease/illness instead of realizing that is absolutely impossible because new information on such a topic is constantly streaming and ongoing and that this desire to know everything comes from a fear of not knowing what to do or how to save someone or myself from failing health/accident and going into major regret because of it

I commit myself to slow down when it comes to reading health articles and to simply learn/do research on that which I genuinely want to know/learn about that is/will be relevant in my life and let go of information that does not serve me or is not relevant to me in my life

I commit myself to educate myself on preventative measures and life saving techniques, such as CPR so that I have that information stored within me that can assist me/another if an emergency would occur however within this, I commit myself to breathe through whatever fears may arise where I fear not having enough information or not knowing all preventive life-saving techniques since I realize in reality I can only learn as much as I can within the time I have and that beating myself up or fearing not knowing something/regretting is a personality/point that requires to be looked at, walked and transcended

I question myself, what memory or event in my life happened where I went into a large regret after finding out information that I could have used to stop something happening, specifically from something dying: A memory of when my pet fish died.

This happened to me when I was about 10 or 11 and to me was quite traumatic. One of my parents was cleaning the fish tank and we had to transfer my fish to a bowl so they could really clean it up the tank. Little did I know that I should have put my fish in the bowl with the same water he lived in, but what happened was I did not know this – I put clean new water in the bowl then transferred my fish into the bowl and watched him swim frantically around and then die. I accidentally killed my fish right in front of me and I had formed a relationship with this fish, so I was very shocked and traumatized about this ordeal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to my fish suddenly dying on me because I didn’t understand why he just died in front of me instead of realizing that I did not know that I cannot put fish into new water or else they will go into shock and die instead of realizing I made a mistake and it was a genuine mistake where I unfortunately had to experience the consequence of my fish’s death

I commit myself to read up and educate myself BEFORE I get a pet so that I have awareness and education on how to take care of a pet so that accidental deaths that could have been prevented will no longer happen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to my fish because he was ‘mine,’ since I picked him out and gave him his own name and thus, felt ‘proud’ about that because he was only ‘my’ fish and projected my pride onto him and when I killed him it was like everything I felt about him or projected onto him also died and it was all my fault and thus I am ‘to blame’ so went into self-punishment, hating myself and beating myself up from this ordeal/mistake

I commit myself to stop attaching myself to animals/pets by seeing them as ‘mine’ as ‘mine’ is a part of ‘owning’ that comes from the mind instead of realizing each being and animal living here on this planet does not belong to ‘anyone’ as everyone is a unique individual living and sharing this planet with everyone else, though that each and every pet I may have is one I take care of the way I (if I were an animal) would like to be treated/taken care of without emotional attachment since that is also a form of self-interest and disregard of everyone and everything else that is equal to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame me and punish me and hate me for having killed my fish when I didn’t intend to instead of realizing that hating myself and punishing me for a mistake I made that was not in my awareness is nothing but a self-destructive habit that needs to be erased and no longer existent within me as it provides no assistance and support within this ordeal but simply keeps me stuck in self-torment which is really unnecessary since I can learn from my mistakes and share with others my mistakes and what I learned from them so they don’t do them as well

I commit myself to stop hating and punishing myself for the mistake I made when I was younger, where I accidentally killed my pet fish since I realize it was an actual mistake due to impulsivity and not having enough education on how to take care of a pet, so thus, I commit myself to make peace with the memory and take it as a ‘life lesson’ for me and to share with everyone that education on how to take care of one’s animal/pet is super critical and important

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of this mistake of having accidentally killed my fish because I feel like I need to punish or hate myself for it, instead of realizing I have a belief I should not let it go because I think what I did was really bad and should be held against me, like a ‘sentence’ or a point I need to live with for the rest of my life instead of seeing how destructive these points are where they only lead to further consequence, further abuse, further pain, simply because I think and believe I need to hurt/hate myself because what I did was ‘so bad‘ instead of realizing that there is another way, an acceptance and understanding of the past — yes, the past and what I had done will never leave me but the past does not have to define me, that even with this mistake I had made that did have unfortunate consequences doesn’t mean I have to drag that mistake with me for the rest of my life and use that mistake to fuel self-hate, and self-punishment but can instead learn from it, understand it and move on

I commit myself to investigate this self-punishment pattern/tendency that I exist in where I beat myself up for every little mistake because I realize that is far from supportive and needs to be corrected so that the entire cycle of self-abuse can finally be put to an endangered

I commit myself to remind and remember the realization/point that I cannot erase the past, but I can forgive myself and who I was in it and also, that I do not have to allow the past to define me because I have the tools to change, and from, this I commit myself to use the tools of self-support to change myself

And it’s interesting this point of having done something so ‘bad’ connecting killing something or someone as really bad, is coming from morality and how I grew up with family values based in religion and morality where it is ‘so bad’ if someone kills someone, but I see it as defining that person as ‘bad’ as a bad person, instead of understanding that person/who they are that led them to killing, but to bring it back to the point, I defined myself as being really bad, beating myself up because I had killed my fish, I had made a bad mistake, I had done something really bad, and this I see is a point I’ve been existent in for quite some time, all of my life basically where I have had the tendency to really beat myself up, not want to forgive myself when I make mistakes. Like really harsh within me.



Additional Support blog: Death of a Pet

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