Day 221: What I Realized After Not Getting the Job

I walked some private Self-Forgiveness in relation to my reactions towards not getting the job I wanted, and certain insights and realizations came through that I want to share here:

One of the points I realized from my writing today was how easily I create and give into certain ideas about myself and situations. For example, I believed that I was going to get this teaching job, and I convinced myself I was going to get it because of memories I held onto that fueled this belief, such as when the director of the school said I was their favorite candidate and that the head teacher said they will ”see me later” when we said goodbye. From these two instances I took their words ”to heart” and fueled them into the idea that I was going to get the job, because 1) I was their favorite, and 2) the head teacher really likes me and said see you later, possibly indicating I will see her when I get the job.

However, I was not certain I was going to get the job because I had to wait to officially find out. So even despite thinking/believing I was going to get the job according to an idea based on memories, reality still had yet confirmed if it was true. And this made me uncertain about the outcome, because the point is — only reality can confirm whether something is real or not, because even if I was the school’s favorite candidate, does not mean that I will be their favorite the next day, because possibly maybe another candidate comes in with better qualifications/skills and thus, everything changes- I am no longer the favorite. Then perhaps the head teacher, having said ”see you later,” could have been an empty goodbye (meaning, not being serious in that she really will see my later.)

I was first angry at myself for really believing I was going to get the job, like placing my entire trust in this idea, convincing myself because of this idea I had based on a few moments/memories of interaction with the school staff.

A second point is that the director of the school never called me or emailed me to tell me whether the job position was filled or not. I had to find out I didn’t get the job by looking on the school’s website. I had called the school about 2 weeks prior asking about the status on the job position and the director told me she would call after their holiday break, so I trusted her words and waited and didn’t hear anything, so took the initiative to check online for any news and lo and behold, the new teacher’s picture was on there.

Now, my reaction here was also anger because I felt and believed that what they (the director/School) did was not cool. Within that, I wanted to in someway show them that what they did was not right or fair, but today what I realized while watching a movie where Santa told Buddy the Elf that his father was on the ”naughty list” was that I allowed myself to be stuck within the right/wrong good/bad polarity toward the point, where I thought/believed what the director of the school did was wrong/bad as a form of judgement and I wanted to justify that being upset about it is right, but guess what! Being angry over this point is useless because it would in no way change the situation or the director of the school themselves. I need to move on/find another job. Their actions of not calling me is simply showing parts of human nature and the money system that we participate/exist in, where priorities are more focused on self-interest than considering others. So this is not something I should take personally or get emotional about because this is generally what we are all existing in, and this is something I can learn from. I can use this situation to enhance my social skills in making sure that if someone is waiting to hear from me about something, that I make sure I get back to them, and keep to my word.

I share some Self-Forgiveness here:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger towards the memory of when I was told I was the school’s favorite and I believed that was going to get me the job, instead of realizing how I should not take such statements and words to heart since it will only in fact be true when/if I get the job, because I realize how easily I believe in such words/statements from others instead of considering the reality that having the job will confirm the actual statement, so within this, I do see how I need to stop taking others words and statements to heart and to only really cross-reference such words through reality by asking questions, observing actions and events

Within this, I now see, realize and understand how ”gullible” (for lack of a better word) I am towards words and statements from others where I so easily believe in their words/statements towards me instead of actually staying grounded, considering how reality/the system words nor believe or define myself according to what people say about me/towards me, but to first check with myself, cross-reference for myself who I am and who I want to be, because I realize I have given a lot of value to what people have said to me, or promised to me, but words have fallen short, so I cannot trust people’s words entirely until it is proven through their actions and deeds, just like I have to prove who I am through my own words, actions and deeds

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify that I should be angry when I think about how another did not follow through with their word, instead of realizing that the anger within is indicating a point I exist in but do not want to see or face

I commit myself to become aware of when/where I say one thing but do not follow on my word, because I realize that by doing this shows through me and to others I am not trustworthy, and that I cannot stand in integrity, so I assist and support myself to flag point every point/facet I see within me where my words are not aligned with my actions, and direct myself to realign me into who I am/want to be through living/sticking to my word

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify that I should be upset at another for their actions instead of realizing how getting emotional/upset will do nothing to change the person, and that what matters is to actually cross-reference with myself to see if I exist in those same behaviors so then I can correct myself and not exist in it myself, to be able to stand as an example of what is best for all

I commit myself to stop justifying that I should/need to be angry over what another did to me and instead assist and support myself to see if I am existing in a similar point because the anger may also indicate a point I don’t want to see and take responsibility for, since I realize the core nature of us all is in self-interest, thus I want to change this part of me, so I do this by becoming more aware of my behavior and general attitude towards others and find solutions to stop/change this point

That is it for tonight. Thanks for reading.

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Day 175: Feeling Left Out…Am I the Cause?

Continuing from: Day 174 – My Friend’s Are Happy but I’m Unhappy  with the memory of when I was in a car with girls from my class and feeling left out.  

Within me I experienced what I defined as being “left out” feeling not included and within that sinking in a depression/sadness where it felt like a hole was in my solar plexus.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an emotional experience of feeling left out/excluded when I thought I am left out from what it happening in the car.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an emotional experience of feeling left out/excluded when I saw girls from my class talking, smiling, laughing, having a good time and I was not instead of realizing I am manipulating myself to be in this state, in this experience to justify why I cannot enjoy myself with these girls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate me into believing that I am left out and because of this, there is no point to interact with these people or else I will be excluded and ignored instead of realizing I created the idea that I will be excluded/ignored by these girls because of beliefs I’ve held about me in comparison to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the experience of feeling excluded/left out through not physically participating in my reality, interacting with the girls from my class due to a belief that whatever I will say to them will not be good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I will be excluded and ignored by these girls because in the past I expressed myself/said something and these two girls who I wanted to be friends with exchanged looks with each other to communicate their backchat/judgements about what I said that I took personally in believing and defining who I am and what I said was stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior when my friends looked at each other and made facial expressions where I interpreted what I just said as “stupid” which I made personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel low and sunken within myself, where my stomach felt like it sunk into a hole within me when these two girls who I thought were my friends made facial expressions indicating their distaste/judgement towards what I just said in which I then felt excluded and left out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take other’s facial expressions towards each other about what I said personally through defining what I said as “stupid” for the conversation, and from this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me, who I am, in totality as a being, as “stupid” because two beings made facial expressions in judgements towards what I said. I see, realize and understand that instead of me making a decision of who I am, I allowed others to define who I am according to how they behave/react towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I will say and communicate to the girls in my class will not be good enough/meaningless and from this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project me talking to the girls in my class in the car and they giving each other looks about what I said and not commenting/interacting just like the memory of when two of my friends made facial expressions towards each other. Within this, I see, realize and understand that I took other’s expressions very personally, and this was because I wanted so much to fit in with them in who they were and how they interacted, but obviously, who I was and how I expressed myself was not aligned to them which is why I had a difficult time with them because there were things I didn’t like and agreed with in terms of what they talked about and did, yet because they were popular and sociable and were girls who talked to me, I felt compelled to be their friend for fear of not having any friends and possibly being made fun of by these girls. I had placed myself inferior to them, seeing me less than them, as not good enough instead of building self-esteem within me of understanding who I am, what I will participate in, and what I accept and allow in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try so hard to fit in with a group of girls, despite not enjoying myself with them and not enjoing what they talked about and how they existed/acted because I had no other friend’s to hang out with and I didn’t want to be alone.

So the point of fearing to be alone was quite big in fifth grade where I compromised myself and went through an emotional ordeal in relation to keeping friendships which may be where my insecurity towards others started. Then there was the eventual end of that particular friendship I tried to hold onto/maintain and feeling the devastation of that end which I allowed to effect me for the next 5-6 years of school which I will walk in the future blog posts to come.

Self Corrective Statements and Commitments will be in the next blog post. Thanks for reading!

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Day 150: My Job is Not Good Enough

In continuation from:    Day 149: Comparing my Job with Another’s Job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/perceive my job to be not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe my job is not good enough because I am not making enough money as what I would like/expect to make since graduating college. I see, realize and understand that I had created an expectation that I will be able to make enough money when I am out of college, instead of considering the reality of things: that it takes time and effort to apply for jobs and gain experience —getting a job is not so easy in the system but requires many factors.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my job is not good enough because I don’t make “enough money” or as much money as I had wanted/expected for myself. I see, realize and understand that I am judging my job as being not good enough instead of realizing the problem within the judgement – I am judging myself/who I am based on what kind of job I have instead of realizing that this is just a job and for the time being I am in this job to assist and support me to make some money while I plan/sort out the next step I am willing/wanting to take with my career/education.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to upon being accepted for a school job, to feel/be unsatisfied with myself because I knew that I wouldn’t be making enough money that would guarantee comfortable living for myself. From this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards the point that the job I have now does not guarantee or give me enough money where I am able to buy my own living space for myself for example.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel quite ashamed for still living and depending on my parents for food, clothes, shelter, a car, and from this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within a mixture of anger and helplessness thinking about my situation where I am “forced” or basically have no option but to live with my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within anger about me being here still living with my parents by looking at my age and judging myself as my age and me being here/still having to depend on parents. From this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the idea that at my age I should not be home, but because I am not living on my own/with my parents I should be ashamed of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pressured to move out and have a place to myself because of a memory of my father last year who told me I need to find a “real job” and me becoming upset about that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel quite ashamed when my father told me that I don’t have a real job and I need to find one. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my father’s words personally instead of realizing that I had already formed judgement about myself and the job and my father saying such things only activated/triggered those reactions within me so I could see where I am not standing.  I see that one of the reasons my father may have said I need to find a real job was because he was nervous I had one more year to go being under his health insurance plan and after that I’d have none or have to start paying my own and he wanted me to find a job where the company pays for my insurance.

I will explore my father and the reactions I have already had/formed in relation to my job in posts to come.

I commit myself to investigate where I got the idea that at my age (26) I should not be living at home with parents through writing, self-forgiveness and accordingly, apply self-corrective application.

I commit to investigate all the reactions/ideas/beliefs I have about my job, and use the Desteni tools to clear them all so I am able to walk/apply myself in the job without feeling ashamed/satisfied.

More to come. Thanks for reading.

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Day 149: Comparing my Job with Another’s Job

Continuation from: Day 148 -Within Jealousy there is Self-Anger

Looking at the point that Miss O makes more money than me, because she is a teacher/has a professional job and I do not and she is my age.Within that, comes my own dissatisfaction where I think/believe that it’s too late for me to be in her position – be a teacher, have a professional job,  make a good amount of money, because I missed the opportunity to be serious and focused on getting a profession when I was in college and having my tuition paid by my parents.

If you read in my previous blog I began to explain at the end how I took the easy way out in college because I had already formed hate and anger towards school, and so, chose what I found to be an easy degree/study to graduate with so I could “get the fuck out of school” not realizing that what awaits me is a world where social networking/people connections, job/internship experience, and more specific, higher education is very much needed in order to get quite a good job that pays a good amount of money.

So through looking back at this mistake and how I defined me with a “mediocre” job I judged myself and went into self-hate and self-anger about making the mistake in not being serious in college and not catching myself with this mind-set of wanting to “get the fuck out of college as fast as I could.” I realize that I could have done much more in my college years. Now, looking at myself and the situation I am in where if I were to go back to school I would have to spend maybe another 3-4 years of school plus take out loans or use my money to pay for courses and this makes me go into reactions of anger and fear with the backchat “I don’t want to spend another four years in school and pay off loans.” So I am basically feeling quite stuck with these points, and the only solution that will assist me is walking through Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior to Miss O because she makes more money than me and she is my age.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous at Miss O for being a teacher at my age because I would like to have a profession like that as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel quite “bad” and dissatisfied about myself when I look at/compare myself to Miss O, and from this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel quite “bad” and dissatisfied about myself because I wish I could have a job like Miss O where I am utilizing my skills, interacting with students/children and making an impact in their lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous at Miss O because she is the center of attention in her class where children look up to her and she has responsibilities of grading papers and answering parent e-mails, basically having power/authority/responsibility within her job position.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as not good enough because I do not have the power/authority/responsibility to teach children and answer parent e-mails for example, by defining/seeing myself as not important.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as unimportant because I am not given attention like a teacher, who is the center of attention in the classroom and has a busy life with e-mails and projects, all of which I connect worth towards. I see, realize and understand that I have connected “worth” towards having a job like a teacher who receives attention from students and answers parent emails and emails from other teachers and is in the “know-how” of what’s going on with each student. I see, realize and understand that I am able to get to know students since I work at a school and don’t need e-mails to tell me who they are – I can interact with them in the classroom, even if I am not a teacher.

What I am starting to see within this is I am defining myself within the job I work in as “not important” and not of much worth because I see/define teachers to be something special/worthy and I perceive them to be of utmost importance in a student’s life. However, in reality, I see, realize and understand the job position I do have in the classroom actually is “worthy” because it enables me the opportunity to interact with the students and utilize skills I have. I can use my communication skills to interact with students and get to know them and see where I can assist them within their school work and not separate myself from them by only isolating myself from students with the job I am required to do.

I commit myself to identify and investigate all the backchats, ideas, thoughts, feelings, emotions and reactions I have with me being in the job position I am through writing and self-forgiveness so I can clear myself from the energetic attachments and connections and be able to participate in my job fully.

I commit to investigate all the thoughts, emotions, feelings, memories, ideas, beliefs I have about teachers, purify the word “teacher” and investigate how I see them to clear all energetic connections and associations so I can be clear within myself and see the teachers for who they are – a teacher.

I commit myself to get to talk/interact/get to know the other students I work with to understand them more and see what they need assistance with so I can be of assistance to them which I enjoy.

I commit to see if who I am in what I do/who I am is best for the children/students through self-introspection, writing and self-forgiveness and script a new living through self-corrective application.

To be continued…! Check out other Journey to Life Blogs:

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Day 61: I Don’t Want to Be Seen As Weak

I see this point started when I was in fifth grade when I became friends with X and Y. I see that I wanted to maintain and stay friends with X but as Y as a ‘rival’ because she had been friends with X longer and to me seemed like X liked her more, so being with X I had a continuous fear that somehow I was going to lose my friendship with her so I began changing myself and my personality so she could ‘like me’ more but this did backfire because she began to not like me and also I became uncomfortable within myself because I saw what I was doing yet because I wanted to be friends with her I kept compromising myself. For example, I got invited to X’s birthday party and I really didn’t want to go but I felt like I had to go because if not I our relationship/friendship would end. So when I did go to the party I really didn’t enjoy myself and really regretted it.

Looking at it now, I didn’t have any other friends to be with in fifth grade so I stuck with X for fear of having no one else to really talk to and hang out with. I stuck with X because I knew her from the fourth grade and she accepted me and was nice to me most of the time. With the other classmates in fifth grade I didn’t really get along with anyone… no one ‘stood out’ to me; there was no one I connected with.

There is that survival point — like making sure I have friends because if I don’t I will look weak or not be accepted in my environment so in school I had to make sure I looked ‘okay’ at all times by having friends. This is where I can see a personality started, from this fear of looking weak, of not looking “okay” and I need to be seen ‘strong’ and ‘okay,’ by having friends and be accepted in my environment so I do not physically manifest my fears of looking weak.

I made sure throughout my school years to not to look weak at all and did what I could to look strong and okay. I was disregarding and ignoring myself by putting on such a personality trying to maintain this friendship with X that obviously wasn’t supporting me at all but I continued with it cause I had no one else to hang out with and I feared being alone and be seen weak/vulnerable.

Okay, so I will take responsibility for these points and apply Self Forgiveness in the next blog post, thanks.

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Day 22: Avoiding My Former Teacher

I currently work in a school that I use to go to when I was a child, which means I work with some of my old teachers.  
Today, while walking in a park, I saw an old teacher of mine, who is also my co-worker, and when I saw her I turned around and deliberately walked the other way so that she could not see me. I have worked with her a few times because she would sometimes substitute a class I was working in. Yet the times I worked with her, I never mentioned that I use to be a student of hers, and she has yet to recognize me anyways so I have kept that point hush hush.  This is so because when I was her student I did not like her at all! 
Plus, there is also another co-worker who was also a former teacher of mine, and I have yet to tell him I was a student of his because I didn’t like him as a teacher too.
BUT the two art teachers I have had that are now my co-workers were teachers I did like and I was comfortable telling them that I was their student.

I am seeing polarity here in relation to the four co-workers I had as my former teachers who are now my co-workers. I will walk these points and the self-forgiveness in the blog posts to come…