225: Fear of Being Disliked

One of the points I want to focus on tonight is how as an organizer of a women’s group I have a fear of being disliked, or not liked by other women of the group.

This is something I have observed today when I met with one of my co-organizers and upon meeting her there was there very slight unsettling feeling/experience within me where I really had this desire to be liked by her, worrying and wondering if she likes me. I would observe her behavior, and for example when I saw she crossed her leg closest to mine over her other leg I took it as a sign that she was closing herself off to me and I went into a worry over what I did or what I may have been or looked like that made her close herself off at me. Thoughts within insecurity, worry and concern start coming up, where I question myself, and then thoughts of self-judgement and belief of ”I am awkward,” in relationships come up…I saw what I was doing in the moment and I knew this was a programmed pattern, that I did not have to believe in it, I saw the bullshit of it and I did not give into it completely, but I knew that the point was still there, I knew that the underlying problem/point of the fear of the women disliking me is what needs to be investigated.

If I am to be a solid, stable organizer of a group the least of my concerns should be about whether someone ”likes me,” I know it should not take over my awareness, me being here, organizing and interacting with the members in the group, but it currently exists in me so I am here to look into it.

So I will first begin with Self-Forgiveness over my interaction today with another woman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear, worry and concern over another’s behavior where they crossed their closest leg to me over their knee because I believe that is a sign they are closing themselves off to me and I took that personally thinking I did something that made them feel uncomfortable because that is not what I want them to be — I want them to be comfortable with me, yet I did not realize that I did not take into consideration that the other does not know me as well I do so they walk their own process of being comfortable with me thus I assist and support myself to simply do what I can to be myself within consideration of who I am in this moment with another

When and as I see another cross their leg away from me and I go into thinking they don’t like me, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I only get this idea because of psychology information that this behavior means the person is closing themselves off, or in the case of males, they are in ego, but that I should not take such information to heart and personally, because I realize that I am giving too much attention and concern over whether another person likes me instead of focusing on what matters and what the issue is at hand and whether I am being supportive to myself another, so from this, I commit myself to assist and support myself to simply let this fear/worry/concern over another’s crossed behavior go and simply focus on what matters, which is the physical, what’s going on in the physical and who I am in this moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take another’s behavior personally where I interpret I am the reason they are closing themselves off to me, that somehow it is my fault that they are like this not realizing that I cannot expect another to like me immediately and warm up to me immediately — each has their own process to walk of self-comfortability in interaction with others and the best I can do is to be as stable and supportive as possible for myself and another

I commit myself to assist and support myself to remind myself when I am with others and see myself fall into insecurity, worry and concern over why another’s behavior is not looking so open and warm to me, to not take it personally, because I know I want them to be open and like me, but I cannot expect that they will be like this since they are in their own process, so I let the worry/concern go and just focus on me and what’s going on in the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I did something wrong to make the other person not like me or be as open to me as I would like them to be, giving so much attention/worry/concern over another I am not even looking at me and who I am giving my power to: my mind of worry and concern about others instead of focusing on me and who I am and whether I want to be like this

When and as I see myself go so quick into worrying that I may have caused another to be upset with me — that I am the reason why they don’t like me or is not open with me, I stop and I breathe. I realize I am giving my energy and attention to too much worry and concern over others instead of assessing for myself who I am in this moment and if what I am doing and being is supportive. From this I commit myself to assist and support myself to stabilize myself through times where I give my power away to concern/worry about others by directing myself to who I want to be in this moment, which is someone who doesn’t give a shit about what others think of them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be awkward because I believe and have this idea I am not good with friends, that I cannot keep a long friendship, I cannot have or get a connection with another female because I am ‘just awkward’ not realizing that I want and desire a cookie-cutter friendship that I have seen personally and on TV/magazines where girls are just so close with each other and do everything together, like sisters, but as friends, and I realize that is what I had wanted as a child, and I envied two girls who had that connection and life/friendship with each other and I wanted that because I really believed that is what would fulfill me in that moment, is that sort of friendship/connection, not realizing that such connections/friendships are limited and to only fill a void that is a result of self separating words from self, which means I have many words to realign myself to become fulfilled within me, in fact

I commit myself to assist and support myself to redefine FRIENDSHIP and also see what words I have separated myself from that I see female friendships possess that I want to stand and live equal to

When and as I see myself believe me to be awkward around female relationships/friendships as a form of judgement, I stop and I breathe. I realize I am not 100% comfortable with myself around others, like females, and this is because I have some past issues to work with when it comes to female friendships, so I use this opportunity to assist and support myself to stabilize myself while interacting with females and work with my friendship points so that I am stable and comfortable with myself when I interact with other women

Will continue in the next blog post…

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Day 205: Who Am I Without My Mother?

Continuing from:
Who Am I Alone?

It was the first night my family was gone and I knew I would be seeing them tomorrow. I just had to hop on a plane. The first reaction that comes up is fear because I project through my mind my mom not being around. She has always been someone who has always provided support in the household, whether it’s cooking or cleaning up a mess I made, she was always there, eventually ‘picking up after me.’ Now, that she was not there, it was as if I experienced a shock of not having that external support around me, and then the fear comes up of not knowing what to do with myself. I felt very empty inside like I lost or left a part of myself with my mother, like that support she has always given me was not around. So there was this illusionary experience of feeling/being empty, like half empty. Then there was the anxiety of not knowing what to do, but then a stress within projecting everything I needed to do that day came up because I had to prepare and pack for a flight tomorrow. I still had not yet sorted out or directed the fear point of not having my mother or family members as that external support of being around, and I started to feel unwell about it when I did my errands. It’s interesting cause I realize if I had given myself some time to do some writing before I went off to do errands, then maybe I wouldn’t have gotten so sick because through the writing I would have been able to see more clearly why I am reacting in fear and be able to direct it. Eventually as I walked my errands, I started to get a pain the bridge of my nose indicating sinus pressure. The pain then spread as a headache across my forehead and then I started to feel ill. When I got home I became so dizzy I threw up. I dealt with a stomach ache and nausea that entire night and the next morning. Then interestingly enough, once I got off the plane and greeted my mother and family the nausea went away and I felt fine.

Underlying points within the memory:

–React in fear towards a projection of my mom disappearing from me, no longer being around

–Fear of no longer having anyone to help instead of realizing that if I require help I trust that I will find the means to do so/to find help

–Fear/anxiety of not knowing what to do with myself/having lack of self-trust having depended on others to move me/direct me

–That who I depended on not being there, feel empty, like a part of me left

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to a projection of my mother suddenly disappearing from me because I have connected no longer having my mother around to it being something scary because I realize I have depended on my mother so much and gave so much trust to her in taking care of me I have not allowed myself to develop the skills necessary to live/be on my own which is why imagining her disappearing from my life I see it as being unable to live without her

From this, I commit myself to investigate where I need to educate myself so I become confident living within the world system since I realize I have allowed myself to depend on others to take care of me and my survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am incapable of taking care of myself alone because I have depended on another instead of realizing the responsibility of my part that I believed myself to be fine living and depending on another instead of realizing there will come a time when I cannot depend on them forever as death comes to each one of us

I commit myself to understand the reality of death and to never take anyone or anything for granted in terms of depending on them to not take responsibility for myself but to learn from them/others and assist myself in understanding how to live on this planet in a way where I can live effectively

So thus, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept the reality that I cannot depend on my mother for the rest of my life, that it will get to the point where I cannot depend on her anymore, thus

I commit myself to use the realization that I cannot depend on my mother for the rest of my life as motivation to start living and understanding myself and how to work/live in this system, how to essentially ‘grow up’ and learn how this world works since it’ll get to a point where my mom will not be here anymore

Will continue in the next blog post…thanks for reading!

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Day 157: The Paranoia/Phobia of Flying – Reacting to Imagination of Sitting on a Plane

Continuing from:
The Fear of Flying
Allowing my Imagination Get to Me
Projecting Failure during Take Off

It is the paranoia of flying I am walking now because according to the EQAFE interview Introduction – Fears & Phobias I realize I developed a phobia to flying where it has become a possession to the extent where I have created and generated a bunch imaginations/projections/thoughts that activate while I’m flying or before I fly, and will experience these things as well as physical reactions of sweating, heart racing, etc.

When I was sitting and listening to someone talk, I looked at how I will be taking a plane next week and a projection of me sitting in the air plane came up and then my solar plexus jumped in fear.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when talking to another person, think about how I have to fly on an airplane instead of giving my full attention to the person because I would want the person to give me their full attention when I am talking to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself within and as my mind of me sitting on an air plane, and from this, jump in fear within/as my solar plexus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be scared about flying an airplane, instead of realizing this is just a system luring me to participate within it’s thoughts and projections to generate more energy as fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself define myself as someone who has to be scared when thinking about airplanes, instead of realizing I can decide to change this relationship to no longer accept and allow myself to fear flying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who is afraid of flying instead of realizing I made the decision to become afraid of flying, so thus, that means I have the power to change the decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this fear is bigger than me, and thus superior instead of realizing I created this fear through the small acceptances and allowances that accumulated to the paranoia/phobia it is now and all I need to do is walk in reverse by finding and understanding these points I allowed to accumulate for myself to create such phobia/paranoia.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I created this fear of flying through my own acceptance and allowance of defining myself as someone afraid of flying and allowing this fear to accumulate and continue instead of directing myself to sort the fear out so it doesn’t get a hold of me to the point where I become panicky and anxious during the entire travelling process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give me, my power, to the fear of flying by fearing something to happen to the plane while I’m on it that could threaten my life.

Because flying is unpredictable, meaning, things can happen – delays, cancellations, technical/mechanical problems with the plane, I react in fear to this point — flying in an air plane can be/is unpredictable. I created/made an emotional experience of it, instead of realizing my whole life is unpredictable.

So within this, there is a fear of the unpredictable, of the unknown, and in this specific case, there is a fear of flying because I cannot trust that the flying experience will be fine, I am not sure what awaits when I fly a plane, and that part is what I react to – that unknown, whether or not my flight will be fine, yet I realize that whatever happens on the plane, I can still be stable, still stabilize myself, my body, my breathing the whole way on the plane, because that is what’s most important – is staying here, supporting myself and the body because that is what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the fact that I cannot trust the outcome of my plane ride, instead of looking at pilots and crew members of the air plane in that it is their job to do what they can to assure the safety for all, and therefore, I can only do what I can do with travelling, so there is no point to go into fear and paranoia about my safety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there may be a pilot or crew member who is so unstable in their mind they could jeopardize the safety of the whole plane ride instead of realizing I am using this example as a justification to continue feeding on the paranoia of flying, and I realize it is for no purpose except to support and assist in the evolution of the mind consciousness system, therefore it is my responsibility as a part of life to stop this before it creates even more consequences.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that stability within who I am is the best and most supportive for me and all and it is with breathing, writing, self-forgiveness, being here in my physical body and living my decision to not participate in my mind as the best solution/medicine in regards to flying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a paranoia towards the unpredictability of flying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear towards the unpredictability of flying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear towards the fact that I cannot determine or predict the outcome of my flight – that is fact – and therefore, can only be here in every moment of breath.

Self-Corrective & Self-Commitment Statements:
 
When and as I see myself project being on an air plane while someone is talking to me and I go into fear, I stop, I take a deep breathe and I immediately forgive myself of the distraction by bringing myself back here and listening to what the person is saying. I realize that the mind is set up to grab my attention and take me away from here, and so when I see myself stray off in the mind, I come back here to this reality and do what I am suppose to be doing.

I commit myself to walk out of this fear of flying by/through walking all necessary points through writing and self-forgiveness to release myself and practically change through self-corrective application.

I commit myself to walk the decision I made for myself to assist and support myself to walk, stop and change this paranoia of flying by no longer being afraid of my own fear/paranoia but taking the necessary steps of stopping this point through writing, investigation/research, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I commit myself to walk through and STOP this paranoia of flying within the starting point of SOLUTION and FINDING A SOLUTION for myself.

I see, realize and understand that I cannot predict the future but I can control/direct who I am in every moment of breath within consideration of what is best for me/what assists and supports me and my body best.

I commit myself to find solutions/ways to stabilize myself in this physical reality because I realize that is best for me and my life.

When and as I see myself justify why I should fear or become more paranoid about flying when for example, I think “what if the pilot or crew member jeopardize the plane ride because their mind is unstable?” I stop, I breathe and I forgive myself from the internal conversation as it only creates another layer for the mind and supports the paranoia. I realize it takes a decision to stop it, so when this type of thinking comes up, I say “stop, I do not accept this” within the decision to not allow this type of thinking to grab hold of me.

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Day 91: Fear of Facing Person "X"

Self-Forgiveness on fear facing and having a conversation with someone who I will call “X.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing X because I’m afraid of what they’re going to say to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see X as superior to me in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see X as someone intimidating in which I perceived me to be inadequate and less than X. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and believe myself to be inferior and inadequate to X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself become nervous  when X is in my presence and / or talking to me. I see, realize and understand that to investigate the exact beliefs / thoughts / backchat / memories through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application that I have towards this person will assist and support me in understanding the exact reason / cause as to why I become nervous and fear X so I can change and no longer exist in fear towards them.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to express me as me as self-expression when I am with X.
I commit myself to breathe when I am talking to X and let go of any fears or doubts within me when I’m with them.

I commit myself to work on developing self-confidence and self-expression by investigating my fears towards X through writing, self-forgiveness and correct myself through self-corrective statements and application so I am able to talk to X comfortably and without fear.

I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application investigate where I suppress  and limit my self-expression around others and assist and support me in understanding how to practically walk me into self-confidence.


More to come…


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Day 68: Challenging My Self Definitions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find speaking out and exposing myself on the internet scary because it’s not “who I am.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who cannot speak up and stand up for themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing up for myself because I don’t know what will come from that, such as conflict manifesting due to me standing up for myself and from this, I see that I require to get to understand the fears I have about facing conflict so I can assist and support myself to develop the confidence necessary to face conflict in stability.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I fear speaking out because I fear the conflict that could manifest and come into my life if I were to speak out and / or I were to say something that would not be in alignment with another’s words / beliefs, so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing up for myself and speak up for myself and speak out for myself and others due to fear of conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking up and out about the world because I fear being ridiculed and made fun of, but I see that’s what the system wants to do to me, the system, when threatened, will do what it can to survive, and so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the system itself will do what it can to survive so that I remain in my position, as a slave, in my pre-programmed design so I keep the system going.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the world will not change unless people / a group stand up and speak out and from there direct the system as itself into a better system, a system best for all.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I have a voice and that I am able to use that voice to speak out about this world, as I am equal to everyone else in having a voice to say something about what’s going on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking up and standing up for a new world, a new solution, a new money system because I fear the conflict that may manifest from it and my pre-programmed self would rather just hide and not deal with the uncomfortable feelings when conflict manifests.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict itself, instead of seeing it’s in conflict where I really get to see who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate the fears I have towards conflict in order to find solutions as to how to deal with conflict when / as they manifest in my world so I know how to direct it accordingly. For example, if I write a blog or do a vlog, I must make sure of the consequences that could manifest when / if I post such things and to make sure I STAND IN MY WORDS with no point of doubt or fear existent within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who cannot speak up, who cannot stand up, because I am ‘scared’ and ‘timid’ and ‘shy’ which I see are only self-definitions I believe to be me which can be changed through my own decision, if I will it to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as someone who is unable to speak up because I fear speaking up and I allow that fear to control / define who I am instead of taking the self-directive decision in no longer accepting and allowing that fear to control / define me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hide and not speak up because speaking up is something that “I don’t do.”

I commit myself to investigate where I am ‘unstable’ within myself and my application and through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, create / find solutions so I become stable in my application / myself.

I commit myself to use writing to investigate where I find myself afraid of conflict, and write until I see the point, see where this all started / emerged, and use self-forgiveness to take responsibility and self-corrective application to walk out of the fear of conflict.

I commit myself to through writing, investigate the fears I have in relation to changing myself as the system and what I fear losing and take responsibility for these fears and use self-corrective statements and application so I no longer exist within them.

I commit myself to investigate and find all memories that are related to fear of conflict and what moments in my life where I had to face conflict and become unsure of myself, and use self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to assist in changing myself from a person scared of conflict to someone who is able to face conflict directly with no fear.

I commit myself to investigate where I have allowed myself to ‘shut down’ and ‘shut up’ due to me speaking up and out, as I see, realize and understand that much of me fearing to speak up comes from my family in how I allowed my family’s words and actions to influence me on how I speak and what I speak about.

I commit myself to: Before I write or speak, make sure that what I will say will be that which I can stand in and be accountable for. So I commit myself to ask myself before I publish my blog / writings: can I stand in these words?

I commit myself to: Before I publish my writings or speak up about something, to make sure I am aware of the consequences it may bring, and make sure I am able to support myself / my words when / if consequences / conflict happen.

I commit myself to investigate all the self-definitions I have about myself and see if this is who I want to be and live as, and use writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-corrective application to change me into someone who I WANT to be.

I commit myself to challenge all my self-definitions and ask myself: is this who I want to be and exist as? And if no: use the Desteni tools to find a solution on how to become that which I want to be.

I commit myself to make sure that within my writing and speaking that I am confident in what I am saying and can stand in my words.

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Day 10: Walking in on Someone Going to the Bathroom

I was at a café and had to use the bathroom. There were 2 unisex bathrooms available, and as I opened the door, I saw someone on the toilet. I reacted in fear and closed the door.  This reminded me of a time when I was at home and accidently walked in on my father who was using the bathroom and he reacted in anger by making a very sharp bark of  “HEY!” that scared me away
Self Forgiveness:
Reaction & Fear:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear when I accidently walked in on someone going to the bathroom.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing someone exposed on the toilet.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the reactions I may receive from the person I accidently walked in on while they were going to the bathroom because then I will have to face the reaction within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist facing the reactions within me because I believe them to be scary, which is a belief that only keeps me limited and controlled to not stand up and face myself as my reactions and let them go.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from facing reactions within me by ignoring them and suppressing them within, not realizing that even if I were to ignore or suppress my reactions, they are still existent within me and will come up again to be dealt with.  I see, realize and understand that there is no point in ignoring and suppressing my reactions towards something as what requires to be done is to face them and let them go so that I am free from them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting yelled at in anger from the person I accidently walked in on while they were going to the bathroom through belief that their anger can affect me.  From this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to personally feel attacked by others reactions towards me, instead of realizing that I am the only one who is able to give myself permission to be influenced by others reactions towards me, thus I see, realize and understand that my reactions towards another are actually reactions towards myself that I must take responsibility for, because I created and became them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that accidently walking in on someone going to the bathroom is frightening, not realizing that I have made it seem frightening because of how my parents reacted when I walked in on them going to the bathroom.  
I have attached being yelled at and reacted to as a frightening thing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being yelled and reacted to as a frightening thing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe being yelled at and reacted to to be a frightening thing because I believe that it is a personal attack to who I am, not realizing that I am only making it seem so because I allowed myself to create and experience this belief within me.
Self Corrective Statement
When and as I see myself react in fear because I walked in on someone going to the bathroom, I stop, I breathe, close the door, walk away and do not allow myself to participate in fear because I realize that I have created and defined the experience of walking in on someone going to the bathroom as a frightening thing according to how my parent reacted to me when I walked in on them accidently.  So, I just breathe, and stop any reactions I have through self forgiveness. 

Guilt:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt after I accidently walked in on someone going to the bathroom because I believed what I did was wrong instead of realizing that I have judged the experience as being wrong because my parent reacted to me negatively when I walked in on them while they were going to the bathroom and from that experience, I took my actions as being wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as a badperson because I accidently walked in on someone going to the bathroom.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the experience of me walking in while someone is going to the bathroom as a bad thing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my action of accidently walking in while someone was going to the bathroom as a bad thing to do, not realizing that I created, accepted and allowed myself to believe that  what I did was wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my actions in polarity as either right or wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within guilt for accidently walking in on someone going to the bathroom.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the thought that me accidently walking in while someone was going to the bathroom was bad, from this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have done something wrong/bad – within this trapping myself in guilt, which perpetuates abuse within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in guilt, participating in my thoughts by replaying what happened over and over, instead of stopping the guilt through stopping my participation in the mind, realizing that it happened and that I can’t do anything about it so the best approach for me is to breathe, drop it and let it go.
Self Corrective Statement:
When and as I see myself go into guilt because I accidently walked in on someone go to the bathroom, I stop, I breathe and do not allow myself to continue participating in guilt because I realize that if I experience guilt that means that I believe that I did something wrong/bad, which is me trapping myself in the polarity of right and wrong.  So, what I do is assist and support myself to stop mulling inside with guilt, and forgive myself and let the guilt go, because what I did was an accident, and accidents do happen.