228. My Relationship with Alcohol – Part 1

I’ve been receiving invitations to events where it is encouraged to drink alcohol with people. Like for example being invited to a travel company party held at a local bar.  One insecurity is the fear people are going to judge me as strange for not drinking with them and this will prevent me from getting opportunities through them simply because ”I don’t fit in.” Within this I see it’s not just about me not drinking alcohol, it’s WHO I AM when I’m around others and my attitude toward not drinking alcohol.

People say they feel more relaxed and confident when they drink, and of course I’d like to be that — relaxed and comfortable in who I am/in my skin. But people resort to alcohol to get into this experience. I want to be able to attend these events and order a non-alcoholic drink and be comfortable and confident with me, interacting with new people. So it really isn’t about the alcohol, it’s more being confident and comfortable in me and with what I stand for.

Some time ago a young woman asked me ”you don’t drink alcohol?!” and within that I felt insecure about this point, believing that I’m weird for not drinking and from that have justified I am a ”rarity,” in a shameful, embarrassed manner, as if I didn’t make the decision myself but that something or someone told me not to drink. Thus I found out I have been in conflict with knowledge/information of the harmful effects of alcohol and the desire to fit in and feel confident by drinking alcohol. So this is what I will work on —my relationship with alcohol, because I want to continue in my stand of not drinking it but I must work through my memories and points in order to stand in my decision 100% without any emotional movement (fear, anxiety, etc) in me.

To be continued.

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226. Who Am I if I Just Want to Please Others?

Continuing from:
Day 224: To become a Leader…
Day 225: Fear of Being Disliked

I read through my previous blog and saw how easily I have connected talking to women to wanting to become friends with them, and giving value into that point, like when I talk to other women around my age or those I connect with, there is this desire to become friends with them or have a close relationship-friendship with them. I am also considering this may be in relation to fear of being alone, but that is a separate point I will look into later.

I attended a meeting and met three women I haven’t seen in a few days and there was the desire to have them like me. I can see I was afraid they were going to judge me and from that judgement not like me if I did not keep up with a smile and nice words.

What if for example they didn’t like me?

To imagine this scenario, I can see I would be very concerned and worried cause I would want to know WHY they don’t like me. Why do I care about WHY they don’t like me? Because maybe I could change or learn something about how I am around people that I may need to use when I walk into social situations with other women, cause I want to make sure that when I interact with others that what I am doing and saying is okay and will be accepted and approved in the group.

So here I can see a few points: One is that behind the worry and concern I want to create and change myself into someone who is perfect in every way so that whoever I talk to, I speak and express in a way that will create an outcome where they will like me, entirely, within everything I say and do.

Now looking at this point, that is so unrealistic. Even if I were to be self-honest, and do what I see is best, and speak in common sense, I may trigger some movements or reactions in others and so, those reactions and movements are for self to take responsibility for, and that they may not like me for that, for triggering points in them.

The point I see here is that I would want to shape myself according to what I think and perceive would please other people, but my god, then where am I in this equation? Meaning, if my intention is to be someone that pleases another, then I don’t even give myself the space to express me when I speak to others, but that I communicate to others based on how I think they would want me to communicate and be to them. So I would be giving up my self expression just to please or benefit other’s and their minds. I can see how I have existed in this point for most of my life, is this tendency to change and shape myself and my words in a way so that people will like me, or that I will please them and their minds enough where they will see me in a positive way/light.

So now comes my question is how to be me when I am around others? To express and be me and share my words and common sense, expressing me while taking my words, actions and others into consideration to create an outflow best for all without the fear of other’s reactions.

So it’s like the age-old question: Who are you?

Who am I if I have been someone who pleases others and shapes myself to please others just so I can avoid conflict, people not liking me, and being alone? Who am I as a leader, expressing and changing myself according to what other people want from me and think of me?

Will continue more in the next blog…

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Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it’s Finest
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Day 115: Breathing Through Stress with Moving

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I will be moving soon to the Czech Republic and have to organize everything I need to do to get all in place because before I haven’t properly wrote/organized everything for myself and had been essentially ‘scrambling’ around in my head trying to organize- (lol, I previously wrote ‘screambling’ instead of ‘scrambling’ – so I’m like screaming inside). From that, I assisted myself to get out of that point by making a list of things I need to walk through for this moving process to work, however, the stress I’ve been experiencing is still here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to put myself and my body under stress through participating in the mind of worrying and anxiety towards not being able to have all the documents and preparations ready for when I move due to a fear of getting rejected and sent back to my country.

  • I commit myself to stop putting myself and my body under stress by practicing to stick to breathing while and as I prepare myself for my move overseas.
  • I commit myself to stop the irrational fears and anxieties I have about not being able to have all the documents and points with moving because I realize that I have a list and am walking the process daily in making sure I have and will have everything I need to be okay overseas.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting rejected and sent back to my country because I don’t have the required documents and thus, losing thousands of dollars.  And from this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing thousands of dollars – money I have saved up in preparation for this move — because of not having all the required documentation and papers in place because for reason “I forgot” or “didn’t know” .

  • I commit myself to through breathing, writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, stop and let go of the irrational worrying and fears about myself with moving and money and assist and support myself to purify my relationship with money in order to no longer exist within stress, separation, inferiority, anxiety and fear towards it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the world system when it comes to moving and traveling to a foreign country because of the memory of when I almost got denied to fly abroad because I forgot to check in my flight and from that, reacted in fear and absolute anxiety due to perceiving that all the time and money I have invested towards this trip has completely in one moment cease to exist, instead of realizing and forgiving myself for not being aware or informed about this point before and thus use it as a learning experience and note for me to communicate about and find solutions for correction in the money system.

  • I commit myself to assist and support myself through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to clear myself of reactions of what happened in the past from traveling mistakes so I do not bring these fears and reactions along with me when I travel abroad this time.
  • I commit myself to make notes for myself to share with others on points I discover that do not serve humanity and/or the world by writing/communicating and finding solutions that will be best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I don’t receive the necessary support when I’m abroad to assist me with immigration and visa processes that I will lose a lot of money, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing a lot of money by moving to another country and not having enough to survive or live comfortably.  From this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough money due to a fear that somehow everything I will do – moving, finding an apartment, getting visa, transportation cost, etc will cost me more money than I have, and from that, stress myself out unnecessarily instead of realizing yes, I will have to spend money for things that I need to spend in order to live and work in the country legally, but I HAVE ENOUGH, because I prepared myself and saved the necessary money to make the move finely, and so what the problem is is who I am in relationship to money.

  • I commit myself to when and as I have the time, invest in the EQAFE Soul of Money Series to assist and support me to understand money and how to change my relationship to money to one that is healthy and supportive.
  • I commit myself to assist and support myself to walk through my relationship and problems with money through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have enough money to live abroad for at least two months without a job, and from this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my partner will be offering his financial support with me moving abroad, therefore, I have financial support as well as financial support from my family if for some reason, living and working abroad does not turn out well.

  • When and as I see myself worry about not having enough money while I move abroad, to stop myself, breathe and bring myself back to the understanding that “I have enough” — I do have the money to stay at least two months abroad with no job and I am able to have the assistance and support of my partner and family if  for some reason I am having financial difficulty. So, I am “okay” with that point, so I assist and support myself to breathe myself through worry and into stability.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if for some reason living and working abroad do not work out in the country, I can resume my job back here in the States and explore other job and educational options. Therefore, I see, realize and understand that no matter if working/living abroad will or will not work – I still have my old job to fall back onto, and my parents’ house to stay for shelter, therefore, there is no reason for me to be stressed about my finances and moving abroad because 1) I have enough money to cover me at least 2 months abroad with no job and 2) I have my partner to support me with any financial points and 3) I have my family and my old job back home that I can go to if living and working abroad do not work out. Therefore, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize there is absolutely no reason to exist in stress over not having enough money or not being able to have all the documents in on time because I realize I am walking the process now in researching and contacting the necessary people to make sure I will have the documents ready.
Since I have already contacted the relevant people to assist me with the job process, the only thing left to do is to wait for their responses and direct myself accordingly to what they say. I also am in the process of gathering the required documents I need to obtain here in the states – so why am I still experiencing stress and anxiety?

  • I commit myself to breathe through any anxiety or stress I am experiencing towards the moving process and remind me of the support I have if I am unable to financially provide for myself and live/work in a foreign country.
  • I commit myself to assist and support myself to write out a back-up plan (a Plan B) if my plan of moving abroad does not work out because I realize I can fall back on my job and explore other options here if moving abroad doesn’t work out

I will continue to breathe through the stress to stop this pattern in relation to moving to a foreign country and just take it a day at a time, and also in regards to money, I see that I have accepted and allowed money to have quite an effect on who I am and how I experience myself, so I see that this is a point I can walk through within my JTL blog.

Okay -so – I  BREATHE

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Day 61: I Don’t Want to Be Seen As Weak

I see this point started when I was in fifth grade when I became friends with X and Y. I see that I wanted to maintain and stay friends with X but as Y as a ‘rival’ because she had been friends with X longer and to me seemed like X liked her more, so being with X I had a continuous fear that somehow I was going to lose my friendship with her so I began changing myself and my personality so she could ‘like me’ more but this did backfire because she began to not like me and also I became uncomfortable within myself because I saw what I was doing yet because I wanted to be friends with her I kept compromising myself. For example, I got invited to X’s birthday party and I really didn’t want to go but I felt like I had to go because if not I our relationship/friendship would end. So when I did go to the party I really didn’t enjoy myself and really regretted it.

Looking at it now, I didn’t have any other friends to be with in fifth grade so I stuck with X for fear of having no one else to really talk to and hang out with. I stuck with X because I knew her from the fourth grade and she accepted me and was nice to me most of the time. With the other classmates in fifth grade I didn’t really get along with anyone… no one ‘stood out’ to me; there was no one I connected with.

There is that survival point — like making sure I have friends because if I don’t I will look weak or not be accepted in my environment so in school I had to make sure I looked ‘okay’ at all times by having friends. This is where I can see a personality started, from this fear of looking weak, of not looking “okay” and I need to be seen ‘strong’ and ‘okay,’ by having friends and be accepted in my environment so I do not physically manifest my fears of looking weak.

I made sure throughout my school years to not to look weak at all and did what I could to look strong and okay. I was disregarding and ignoring myself by putting on such a personality trying to maintain this friendship with X that obviously wasn’t supporting me at all but I continued with it cause I had no one else to hang out with and I feared being alone and be seen weak/vulnerable.

Okay, so I will take responsibility for these points and apply Self Forgiveness in the next blog post, thanks.

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Day 58: Fear of Being Disliked By My Partner’s Mother Part II

https://www.facebook.com/DesteniArtists
‘What Do They Think About Me’ by 
Andrew Gable
Battle of the MIN(e)D (Self Correction) – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 140

Here are some Self Corrective Statements and Commitments regarding my previous post about me fearing being disliked by my partner’s mother…

When and as I see myself participate in imaginary play outs in my mind about what it would be like meeting my partner’s mother, I stop participating and breathe, because I see, realize and understand that my past experiences have shown me that whenever I imagine what something would be like, it never turns out exactly as how I imagined it to be in reality, so really, there is no point participating in such imagination and distracting myself from reality.

I commit myself to stop giving value to what others may think or say about me by working on developing my self-confidence and self-acceptance through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application so that for example, if I were to be in company of my partner’s mother I will stand clear as who I am in self-acceptance and self-confidence with no fears and/or reactions within me.

I commit myself to use self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective application to find all the reasons why I feel intimidated towards my partner’s mother / another and fear being disliked by them, and to within knowing the reasons why I experience myself in that way towards my partner’s mother / another – be able to assist and support myself with specific self-corrective applications to stop / let-go of experiencing myself in such a way when / as / if I ever see myself go into that experience again.

But, for now, I commit myself to when and as I see and find that I am going into feeling intimidated or fearful towards my partner mother / another – stop, take a deep breath and slow myself down to the pace of physical breath – and remind myself that even though I do not know EXACTLY the reason WHY I went into that experience / feel this way – I see, realize and understand that I do NOT have-to remain participating in it – and so I make the decision in that moment to just focus my attention on my breathing and when / as I have the practical time to do so, go and apply my self-forgiveness and writing to investigate the moment and see what caused me to go into that feeling / experience and from there take it one point at a time, allowing myself to see, realize and understand that I will require Patience to find all the reasons why I go into that experience towards my partner’s mother / another to THEN only be able to release it completely / correct it effectively.

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Day 12: Energetic Highs and Lows of Love – Part 1


Today I was watching an old episode of the TV show Glee.  One of the characters, Kurt, is a gay teenager who secretly is ‘in love’ with his best friend Blaine, who is also gay.  And while the two were getting coffee together, Blaine tells Kurt that for Valentine’s Day he wants to sing a song to express his love for this boy he has a crush on, and Kurt thinks that Blaine is talking about him.  However, later on in the episode, Blaine announces to his fellow Glee-members that the guy he wants to sing the song for is one of the junior managers at a clothing store (so – it’s not Kurt). 
Now as for me, the point I am taking responsibility for is my reaction towards all of this. Because what happened was I became ‘attached’ to the character Kurt and allowed myself to become emotionally involved with Kurt and Blaine’s friendship-relationship to the extent where it was like I was Kurt and I would go into this energetic state of love when I would see Blaine on TV, and then would go into anticipation, hoping their friendship will turn into a romantic one. 

The reason I think I became ‘attached’ to Kurt was because he reminded me of a young man I use to mentor that I had become quite attached with.  And since both the young man and Kurt’s expressions were so similar it was very easy for me to connect the young man to Kurt on Glee and become attached to him.

So… when Blaine announced it was another guy he was in love with what happened was that I experienced devastation where I physically walked away from the TV because I did not want to look at and face what happened.  I allowed myself to become emotionally effected by a TV show. 
What brings up this point is that in school, whenever I would have an intense crush on a guy or a celebrity, I would go off into my mind, participating in ideas and fantasies, creating energetic experiences within myself towards the outcome of a  feel good experience within myself.  These energetic experiences provided an escape from reality BUT then… reality would slap me in the face when the guy I liked is with another women because I realize that what I participated in was only in my head and NOT REAL.  Yet even to this day I still see I still have not stopped this pattern within me, so I will be walking this point in taking responsibility for my participation in this pattern — facing reality by facing the reactions of rejection, devastation and disappointment  in relation to having certain expectations, ideas and hopes towards ‘love’. 


SF:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when I found out that what I had hoped and expected did not come true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to a TV character so much so, that I created energetic experiences within me where it was like I was the character and I was experiencing what I perceived the character was experiencing as feelings within themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become absorbed in the emotions of others, by creating energy experiences within me that I perceive as being the same energetic experiences the character on TV is going through, not realizing that I cannot feel another’s energetic experiences as the only energetic experiences and feelings I create are within me and only experienced by me, thus by perceiving that I am able to feel another feelings is actually false.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate a TV character’s relationship to be formed with another whom I have experienced ‘love’ towards because I have attached myself to the relationship by accepting and allowing myself to participate in energetic experience of love to the point where I become so emotionally involved it is like I am walking into a relationship on TV because I am the character that is going into a relationship with another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so consumed in the TV show and the romantic lives and dramas of others that I have not become aware of my breath and reality.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the reason I became attached to the TV character and allowed myself to create energetic experiences within myself through how I perceive the character must be experiencing is because I liked the character’s expression, and that which I like, I attach to.

 I see here something interesting, and that is, if I like something, I will accept it and become attached to it, but if I don’t like something (and this even pertains to people) I will reject it.  So this is a cool point to take on in future blog posts that will support me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel personally rejected when a character on TV

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build upon energetic experiences of love within through participating in the mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions, fantasies and desires and accumulate the energetic experience of love up to a certain extent until reality slaps me in the face and I am faced with the truth of reality.