Day 219: Regret and Self-Honesty (Overseas Package Example)

Through an online chat with my mother tonight, she told me that the package she sent over to me came back due to an ”insufficient address” which is odd since she’s sent over packages before to me just fine. Anyways, she told me she could send it back but it would cost 61 dollars.

I reacted in regret for her having to ship the package for so much money because the package included certain candies that only come out once a year in the states and I wanted her to send them to me, and looking at it now it’s so unnecessary because they are just candies but I have given a lot of value towards them and I wanted them NOW.  So my mom was going to send them over as a holiday gift.

Even looking at it, even when I first told her I wanted these candies I had an uncomfortable feeling in my solar plexus because I knew self honestly that she can just hold onto them or store them in the freezer until I see her again, that mailing them is unnecessary, especially if it costs so much money to be shipped over.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand up within myself and my self-honesty and tell my mother that she can hold onto the candies because it was unnecessary for her to ship them over to me because I realize that I would most likely abuse these candies since I have not transcended or ‘maintained’ my addiction to sweets yet

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in regret and allow this to influence how I feel when I think about how my mom wasted $61 on sending candy to me, where I go into a low-negative experience within myself of shame, beating myself up for my mother wasting her money, as if it is my fault she wasted money
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into guilt for my mother spending so much money on my package without me being aware of it until it was ”too late” where the package came back and she wanted to know if I should send it to her again because I feel/experience myself as being a bossy person, expecting and wanting certain items to be shipped over to me without considering the finances involved with what I want and from this I realize that I do have the tendency of ignoring or not allowing myself to consider other people’s life and finances in general when it comes to purchasing things/getting what I want

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand up for myself within self honesty and tell my mom that it’s best she doesn’t send over those candies because I know that I won’t be able to eat the candies in moderation because I am not yet at the point where I can trust myself with sugar/sweets

The guilt and anger I have towards this point is prominent where I want to hold onto this mistake I made and beat myself up with it. But I realize that’s a constant point I exist in and as, is beating myself up for mistakes I made. Look, I didn’t see or was absolutely aware with the candy point, it was only until this reaction towards the package that I then looked at this point. So now I’m aware that I need to be more honest with myself when it comes to sugar and sweets, to really walk this path for me in making firm decisions of where I stand with candies/sweets, because in this case, candies/Sweets are not ”good” for me because I do not have the ”strength” to eat such things in moderation.

So, I commit myself to when and as I see myself react in guilt towards the memory of when my mom told me she spent $61 on a package of candy for me, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to give into the guilt but instead realize that I made a mistake where I was not aware of who I was in my stand with sugar, and gave into my wants towards it instead of considering the money involved to send such a package, and sticking to my self-honesty

I commit myself to walk through my point with sugar, to really make firm decisions with myself on where I stand with this substance because I realize I do have a problem with it and need to get myself in control with it

When and as I see myself beat myself up for allowing my mom to spend a lot of money on a gift I don’t need, but wanted, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in the pattern of beating myself for a mistake because I understand that the mistake happened because I wasn’t acting within my self-honesty where I knew it was best for me to tell my mom to hold onto the candies instead of sending them over, and so this understanding allows me to learn from my mistake so I do not do this again

Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
EQAFE.com  Free Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it’s Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools 

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Day 212: A Childhood Mistake

Continuing from:
Day 211: Health Paranoia

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to know everything in relation to all the ways, treatments and steps to prevent or heal a disease/illness instead of realizing that is absolutely impossible because new information on such a topic is constantly streaming and ongoing and that this desire to know everything comes from a fear of not knowing what to do or how to save someone or myself from failing health/accident and going into major regret because of it

I commit myself to slow down when it comes to reading health articles and to simply learn/do research on that which I genuinely want to know/learn about that is/will be relevant in my life and let go of information that does not serve me or is not relevant to me in my life

I commit myself to educate myself on preventative measures and life saving techniques, such as CPR so that I have that information stored within me that can assist me/another if an emergency would occur however within this, I commit myself to breathe through whatever fears may arise where I fear not having enough information or not knowing all preventive life-saving techniques since I realize in reality I can only learn as much as I can within the time I have and that beating myself up or fearing not knowing something/regretting is a personality/point that requires to be looked at, walked and transcended

I question myself, what memory or event in my life happened where I went into a large regret after finding out information that I could have used to stop something happening, specifically from something dying: A memory of when my pet fish died.

This happened to me when I was about 10 or 11 and to me was quite traumatic. One of my parents was cleaning the fish tank and we had to transfer my fish to a bowl so they could really clean it up the tank. Little did I know that I should have put my fish in the bowl with the same water he lived in, but what happened was I did not know this – I put clean new water in the bowl then transferred my fish into the bowl and watched him swim frantically around and then die. I accidentally killed my fish right in front of me and I had formed a relationship with this fish, so I was very shocked and traumatized about this ordeal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to my fish suddenly dying on me because I didn’t understand why he just died in front of me instead of realizing that I did not know that I cannot put fish into new water or else they will go into shock and die instead of realizing I made a mistake and it was a genuine mistake where I unfortunately had to experience the consequence of my fish’s death

I commit myself to read up and educate myself BEFORE I get a pet so that I have awareness and education on how to take care of a pet so that accidental deaths that could have been prevented will no longer happen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to my fish because he was ‘mine,’ since I picked him out and gave him his own name and thus, felt ‘proud’ about that because he was only ‘my’ fish and projected my pride onto him and when I killed him it was like everything I felt about him or projected onto him also died and it was all my fault and thus I am ‘to blame’ so went into self-punishment, hating myself and beating myself up from this ordeal/mistake

I commit myself to stop attaching myself to animals/pets by seeing them as ‘mine’ as ‘mine’ is a part of ‘owning’ that comes from the mind instead of realizing each being and animal living here on this planet does not belong to ‘anyone’ as everyone is a unique individual living and sharing this planet with everyone else, though that each and every pet I may have is one I take care of the way I (if I were an animal) would like to be treated/taken care of without emotional attachment since that is also a form of self-interest and disregard of everyone and everything else that is equal to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame me and punish me and hate me for having killed my fish when I didn’t intend to instead of realizing that hating myself and punishing me for a mistake I made that was not in my awareness is nothing but a self-destructive habit that needs to be erased and no longer existent within me as it provides no assistance and support within this ordeal but simply keeps me stuck in self-torment which is really unnecessary since I can learn from my mistakes and share with others my mistakes and what I learned from them so they don’t do them as well

I commit myself to stop hating and punishing myself for the mistake I made when I was younger, where I accidentally killed my pet fish since I realize it was an actual mistake due to impulsivity and not having enough education on how to take care of a pet, so thus, I commit myself to make peace with the memory and take it as a ‘life lesson’ for me and to share with everyone that education on how to take care of one’s animal/pet is super critical and important

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of this mistake of having accidentally killed my fish because I feel like I need to punish or hate myself for it, instead of realizing I have a belief I should not let it go because I think what I did was really bad and should be held against me, like a ‘sentence’ or a point I need to live with for the rest of my life instead of seeing how destructive these points are where they only lead to further consequence, further abuse, further pain, simply because I think and believe I need to hurt/hate myself because what I did was ‘so bad‘ instead of realizing that there is another way, an acceptance and understanding of the past — yes, the past and what I had done will never leave me but the past does not have to define me, that even with this mistake I had made that did have unfortunate consequences doesn’t mean I have to drag that mistake with me for the rest of my life and use that mistake to fuel self-hate, and self-punishment but can instead learn from it, understand it and move on

I commit myself to investigate this self-punishment pattern/tendency that I exist in where I beat myself up for every little mistake because I realize that is far from supportive and needs to be corrected so that the entire cycle of self-abuse can finally be put to an endangered

I commit myself to remind and remember the realization/point that I cannot erase the past, but I can forgive myself and who I was in it and also, that I do not have to allow the past to define me because I have the tools to change, and from, this I commit myself to use the tools of self-support to change myself

And it’s interesting this point of having done something so ‘bad’ connecting killing something or someone as really bad, is coming from morality and how I grew up with family values based in religion and morality where it is ‘so bad’ if someone kills someone, but I see it as defining that person as ‘bad’ as a bad person, instead of understanding that person/who they are that led them to killing, but to bring it back to the point, I defined myself as being really bad, beating myself up because I had killed my fish, I had made a bad mistake, I had done something really bad, and this I see is a point I’ve been existent in for quite some time, all of my life basically where I have had the tendency to really beat myself up, not want to forgive myself when I make mistakes. Like really harsh within me.



Additional Support blog: Death of a Pet

(Image Source)

Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
EQAFE.com  Free Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it’s Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools