Through an online chat with my mother tonight, she told me that the package she sent over to me came back due to an ”insufficient address” which is odd since she’s sent over packages before to me just fine. Anyways, she told me she could send it back but it would cost 61 dollars.
I reacted in regret for her having to ship the package for so much money because the package included certain candies that only come out once a year in the states and I wanted her to send them to me, and looking at it now it’s so unnecessary because they are just candies but I have given a lot of value towards them and I wanted them NOW. So my mom was going to send them over as a holiday gift.
Even looking at it, even when I first told her I wanted these candies I had an uncomfortable feeling in my solar plexus because I knew self honestly that she can just hold onto them or store them in the freezer until I see her again, that mailing them is unnecessary, especially if it costs so much money to be shipped over.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand up within myself and my self-honesty and tell my mother that she can hold onto the candies because it was unnecessary for her to ship them over to me because I realize that I would most likely abuse these candies since I have not transcended or ‘maintained’ my addiction to sweets yet
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in regret and allow this to influence how I feel when I think about how my mom wasted $61 on sending candy to me, where I go into a low-negative experience within myself of shame, beating myself up for my mother wasting her money, as if it is my fault she wasted money
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into guilt for my mother spending so much money on my package without me being aware of it until it was ”too late” where the package came back and she wanted to know if I should send it to her again because I feel/experience myself as being a bossy person, expecting and wanting certain items to be shipped over to me without considering the finances involved with what I want and from this I realize that I do have the tendency of ignoring or not allowing myself to consider other people’s life and finances in general when it comes to purchasing things/getting what I want
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand up for myself within self honesty and tell my mom that it’s best she doesn’t send over those candies because I know that I won’t be able to eat the candies in moderation because I am not yet at the point where I can trust myself with sugar/sweets
The guilt and anger I have towards this point is prominent where I want to hold onto this mistake I made and beat myself up with it. But I realize that’s a constant point I exist in and as, is beating myself up for mistakes I made. Look, I didn’t see or was absolutely aware with the candy point, it was only until this reaction towards the package that I then looked at this point. So now I’m aware that I need to be more honest with myself when it comes to sugar and sweets, to really walk this path for me in making firm decisions of where I stand with candies/sweets, because in this case, candies/Sweets are not ”good” for me because I do not have the ”strength” to eat such things in moderation.
So, I commit myself to when and as I see myself react in guilt towards the memory of when my mom told me she spent $61 on a package of candy for me, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to give into the guilt but instead realize that I made a mistake where I was not aware of who I was in my stand with sugar, and gave into my wants towards it instead of considering the money involved to send such a package, and sticking to my self-honesty
I commit myself to walk through my point with sugar, to really make firm decisions with myself on where I stand with this substance because I realize I do have a problem with it and need to get myself in control with it
When and as I see myself beat myself up for allowing my mom to spend a lot of money on a gift I don’t need, but wanted, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in the pattern of beating myself for a mistake because I understand that the mistake happened because I wasn’t acting within my self-honesty where I knew it was best for me to tell my mom to hold onto the candies instead of sending them over, and so this understanding allows me to learn from my mistake so I do not do this again
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