226. Who Am I if I Just Want to Please Others?

Continuing from:
Day 224: To become a Leader…
Day 225: Fear of Being Disliked

I read through my previous blog and saw how easily I have connected talking to women to wanting to become friends with them, and giving value into that point, like when I talk to other women around my age or those I connect with, there is this desire to become friends with them or have a close relationship-friendship with them. I am also considering this may be in relation to fear of being alone, but that is a separate point I will look into later.

I attended a meeting and met three women I haven’t seen in a few days and there was the desire to have them like me. I can see I was afraid they were going to judge me and from that judgement not like me if I did not keep up with a smile and nice words.

What if for example they didn’t like me?

To imagine this scenario, I can see I would be very concerned and worried cause I would want to know WHY they don’t like me. Why do I care about WHY they don’t like me? Because maybe I could change or learn something about how I am around people that I may need to use when I walk into social situations with other women, cause I want to make sure that when I interact with others that what I am doing and saying is okay and will be accepted and approved in the group.

So here I can see a few points: One is that behind the worry and concern I want to create and change myself into someone who is perfect in every way so that whoever I talk to, I speak and express in a way that will create an outcome where they will like me, entirely, within everything I say and do.

Now looking at this point, that is so unrealistic. Even if I were to be self-honest, and do what I see is best, and speak in common sense, I may trigger some movements or reactions in others and so, those reactions and movements are for self to take responsibility for, and that they may not like me for that, for triggering points in them.

The point I see here is that I would want to shape myself according to what I think and perceive would please other people, but my god, then where am I in this equation? Meaning, if my intention is to be someone that pleases another, then I don’t even give myself the space to express me when I speak to others, but that I communicate to others based on how I think they would want me to communicate and be to them. So I would be giving up my self expression just to please or benefit other’s and their minds. I can see how I have existed in this point for most of my life, is this tendency to change and shape myself and my words in a way so that people will like me, or that I will please them and their minds enough where they will see me in a positive way/light.

So now comes my question is how to be me when I am around others? To express and be me and share my words and common sense, expressing me while taking my words, actions and others into consideration to create an outflow best for all without the fear of other’s reactions.

So it’s like the age-old question: Who are you?

Who am I if I have been someone who pleases others and shapes myself to please others just so I can avoid conflict, people not liking me, and being alone? Who am I as a leader, expressing and changing myself according to what other people want from me and think of me?

Will continue more in the next blog…

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Day 218: Realizations from Being with Children

I got invited today as a potential candidate for an English pre-school to come in and play with the children for a few hours. This allowed me to meet the other staff members, get a good feel for the job to then be determined if I would be a good fit there.

While I was with these children, aged 1 1/2 to 3 years old, I had many realizations. Here are some I wrote down:

1) They’re cute, but don’t let that get to you.

I saw myself go into like the ‘awww she’s so cute’ point, thinking that this little girl is perfectly sweet and nice. But then I observed how this sweet looking little girl actually caused some problems in the class, biting children, hitting them. So the girl’s behavior was not aligned to an idea I had of her, and of course, this does not make her a ”bad girl” — she could have only picked up/acted on such behaviors from us (humanity, parents, caregivers, teachers, world).

So within this I realized the following: looks can be deceiving, and this even applies to our society and world in general, where in the media we can become so captivated by an actress or actor and think all these good things about them, but we really don’t know the reality of them, just like how we have ideas of ourselves, perhaps thinking we are good people because we give to charity, but not realizing how we give to charity because it makes us ”feel better” as a self-interest point instead of consideration that charities are simply band-aids and do not actually help the poor for the long-run, it only helps them temporarily. So basically I saw here how I need to stop easily assuming or interpreting how another is, based on how I ”think” they are according to how they look.

2) The ”mine” point:

I have seen instances of children saying the ”mine” and not wanting to share with others. Even the word ”mine” sounds like mind, lol.

I see this as where a child says ”mine” as a form of fear because what I interpreted when I went over to this girl and asked her if her doll is sleeping she said ”mine” and brought the doll closer to herself, so I wondered if maybe she thought I was going to take it from her, which also brings me to the point of survival of the fittest, how we fear losing money or things in our lives that can threaten our life. We are basically programmed to survive. I mean it’s in our DNA in a way — we must survive, because the world we live in today is built on competition and survival where we really cannot trust each other because our world is hostile, it is insecure, we do not have a secure monetary system based on consideration of all beings on the planet so that everyone, humans, animals even plants have all basic needs fulfilled to live on this planet, and because we don’t have this, we don’t have a secure world or monetary system — we are insecure, we are in fear all the time, we must live based in survival, ”working to survive,” essentially.

3) We need more education about how to work with children:

Some basic ”troublesome behaviors” of 2-3 year olds are pulling hair, screaming, basically acting out in ways that make the environment stressful for others. What we usually do is say ”stop, don’t do that” and if the behavior continues, we put them in the time out chair. The problem I see within that is that we don’t communicate to the children about their behavior, the consequences of it, how it effects the other person, and especially in the case of 2-3 year olds, this is very hard to communicate such things, to talk about consequences.

Their behaviors must then come from us, the caregivers, the parents, the teachers, because of how we exist within. For example, there is a blog from Leila on parenting and why babies throw temper tantrums, and it was pointed out that as a parent, when you really want to do something, but unable to and throw a tantrum about it in your mind, babies pick up on that and see how you accept and allow it, so then over time, babies then develop that temper tantrum tendency because of how we as parents or caregivers allowed it to exist in us.

We require more education on how to effectively work with children, and that does start with working with ourselves in understanding how we exist according to our minds because who we are/how we exist in the mind makes a big impact on our children.

Fortunately, as of late, there have been audio recordings on parenting and how to work with the mind so you as a parent, teacher or caregiver can learn how to become stable for your children. It’s on EQAFE.com — I definitely suggest you check it out.

Additional notes: I can see it for myself that when working with the young children it’s important to remain as stable as possible because if you allow yourself to go into reaction, it will affect how you speak, how you move, and how you are, and children will see it and pick up on it — they naturally look to us as examples so when we don’t breathe and sort our reactions out but allow them to remain within us, the kids will assume that reacting and holding onto reactions is okay and will then develop that pattern as they grow up. In general, children I have met are more easily able to let things go, which is cool.

That is what I have for today. Thanks for reading.

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Day 179: How Nutrition Can Affect Getting Things Done

Today I saw the importance of nutrition, in keeping one’s body stable so one can ‘last’ throughout the day.

What I mean by this is:  I’ve noticed when I eat certain heavy foods with flour, meat and/or dairy my body goes into a reaction of tiredness and then I’m tired throughout most of my day. Like yesterday I went out to a popular Italian restaurant, and it’s been a while since I’ve been out and I allowed myself to indulge in some bread, soup and salad and was very surprised by how extremely tired I was minutes later, and this affected how I was around others.  When I had the opportunity I took a long nap and woke up still feeling very lethargic, ‘heavy’ almost ‘drugged’ as how I can describe it, and affected me at night while I studied.

Interestingly enough I read an article today where a nutritionist went on holiday in a small village in Northern Italy and observed the culture in which they have large lunches full of meats and cheese and then everyone takes a ‘siesta’ or nap for a few hours and all businesses and shops are closed during this time. She then explained how our body takes up a lot of energy to process and digests such diets heavy in meats and cheeses so it makes sense as to why the villagers take these naps. It’s funny cause I never really understood why some cultures take these naps in the day with even closing the business for a few hours until I read about this food-point.

So I observed this point in myself and realized how important it is for me to keep my body stable because it is quite sensitive in that if I overindulge my body instantly reacts, so it’s supportive to understand how much the body can take with certain foods. In my case I have an important exam coming up next week so I realize it’s best for me to keep my diet as simple as possible to try and maintain stability so I can walk these two weeks without problems of getting tired from eating cause I do need to put in my effort to studying.  I see nutrition being important if one has to study and stay focused with certain tasks or projects so giving self foods that is nutritious and supports the body is cool, otherwise one may not be able to work/perform as effectively or optimally as one can.

Other supportive information:



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Day 170: Why Am I So Tired When I Hang out with Friends? Part 2

My problem I am facing is not wanting to walk this point of understanding why I get so tired when I’m around this friend, S, of mine. I identified a part of it is because I am insecure about sharing what I see and know to my friend, being open and honest about me, and I must ask myself, well then, why am I still friends with her if I am unable to be myself? To express myself?

From what I understand through an Atlantean interview I listened to, tiredness can be a result of stress, fear and/or anxiety. This makes sense to me because when I am with my friend, S, I do see myself go into these reactions.

One fear that comes up is that if I were to talk/by myself we would have nothing in common and that our values would clash. This is so because what pops up is how she’s into sports and alcohol, and I’m not, but this defines her in limitation because we do have many things in common actually. What I want to do for myself, is next time when I hang out with her, to speak up more, within consideration of my friend/her mind/process and see where it takes me, because otherwise, if I suppress myself or believe that I shouldn’t speak of something for in fear of getting into conflict or having me and my friend ‘clash’ I am compromising myself, suppressing myself, and allowing my fears to ‘win.’

I see I am afraid of the conflict or reactions or the uncomfortable feelings/reactions I would experience if I were to be open and honest about me to my friend. What I will do for myself is to write out a list of the fears I have, identify memories, and then walk self-forgiveness on these fears.


Fears & Memories:

1) Afraid that what I share, specifically points of the world/humanity will be criticized/disagreed with (memory of my sister in the car comes up, memory of me in the car with C and thinking my friend isn’t interested in what I’m talking about and feeling insecure)

2) Afraid of her rejecting me as a friend/not wanting to hang out with me anymore because “we’ve had a long friendship” and “she is the only friend I have.”

These and more points I will walk within the next blog posts sharing my Self-Forgiveness and Self-Realizations. In the meantime, take a listen to this interview below:

https://eqafe.com/p/friends-and-memories-quantum-systemization-part-34

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Day 168: The Fear of Losing Too Much Weight Too Quickly

Continuing from: Day 167: Self-Consciousness & Self-Nourishment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project me on the scale tomorrow morning looking at the scale and seeing that I lost another two pounds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear in towards the projection of me looking at the scale tomorrow morning and see that I lost another 2 pounds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear today when I saw that I lost another 2 pounds because I did not want/expect to lose that much weight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear towards the scale showing me in numbers that I lost 2 pounds because I don’t want to lose weight like this’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to not being able to control my body weight because the scale showed me -2 pounds and I did not want that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear me continuing to lose weight without my control/permission until the body cannot lose weight anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the information that losing too much weight too fast can be harmful for one’s body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear about me losing 2 pounds instead of questioning/looking at how this could possibly be. I realize that I can approach this weight loss with common sense through not going into reactions but to investigate why/how this weight loss is so, so I can provide the necessary support to maintain weight without losing too much too fast.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project and expect to lose weight at a steady pace over time this year instead of quickly and drastically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear about the fact that my ‘dream’ or ‘goal’ of losing weight steadily over time failed/did not happen because of having to diet/restrict certain foods for health problems, so therefore, my weight loss is a result of a restrictive diet to support me in healing back to good health

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my body to continue losing weight without my permission/control and desire

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear towards my body losing weight because it goes in conflict with what I had planned and desired in my mind towards losing weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being to control my weight, instead of realizing I really physically can’t control my weight because even throughout the day, due to water retention or from certain foods, the body will respond and adjust itself accordingly from that and the number on the scale may differ/be different during the day/following days – it is what it is and I have no control over that.

I commit myself to breathe when I see myself go into fear about losing weight tomorrow because I realize it’s simply a projection – it is not real but an image of what I think/believe will happen in the future, but I do not know the future, I do not know what the scale will show, therefore, I stop the projecting

I commit myself to instead of going into reactions when I see I lost weight, to instead look at how did it get to this through checking my food journal, seeing where I need to add more specific foods/supplements to maintain weight that does not drastically change my body weight, and from this,

I commit myself to work with my body in maintaining a weight by working with my emotions/reactions towards my body and weight as well as physically supporting the body with the necessary nutrition to keep it stable.

When and as I see myself go into fear thinking about not being able to control my weight, I stop, I breathe, and I realize and remind myself that I am in the process of working with my body to stabilize it through a steady weight by including foods/supplements to assist with maintaining and that my drastic weight loss was a result of restrictive/low calorie/low-carb dieting through healing from health problems. Therefore, I see, realize and understand that it’s best to look at this weight-loss point objectivley and common sensically, looking at the ‘how’ my body got this way and ‘what can I do to assist/support myself’ instead of reacting towards the weight loss (because reacting won’t do anything to understanding why/how it got this way) so I commit to do what I can to assist and support me and my body to heal by maintaining/keeping my weight relatively stable. If I see that I continue to lose weight even amidst working to maintain/stabilize the weight, I will seek additional support through a Naturopath/Medical Professional.

*Update (2/28/14)*
The reason for my sudden weight loss was I realized the antibiotics I was taking for my sinus infection were suppressing my appetite and causing me nausea, thus I was unable to or had difficulty eating.
So through research I discovered a prebiotic and probiotic supplement that assists with adding in the good bacteria back into one’s body to repair and heal the gastrointestinal tract. It has been about 3 weeks since taking this specific one Prescript Assist and after taking it the first day found beneficial results the next day. My nausea has stopped and I am able to eat again. To me this also emphasizes the importance of maintaining a healthy gut/gastrointestinal tract otherwise your whole body will be thrown off balance.

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Day 159: "Have a Safe" Flight Part 2


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in fear when the driver said to me “Have a Safe Flight” by thinking/questioning “what…am I not going to have a safe flight?”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I’m not going to have a safe flight because I hold onto memories of past news stories on planes getting into accidents and I don’t want something to happen to me on my flight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of the United airlines plane landing in the Hudson river because a bird flew into the engine and the plane had to land in the river.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself as a passenger from the United airlines flight and go into fear, anxiety and panic as if I were on the plane right now which fuels fear within me in relation to flying in general.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of the fear I have attached to the United Airlines flight because I am afraid that if I were to let go of it, I will get into a similar accident where the air plane will have to make an emergency landing because of something hitting its engine.

So I see a belief here that I will explore in the next post to come to investigate for myself and find solutions to let go of these flying fears.

I commit myself to practice stopping projections – projecting myself in the future – and stay here with my physical body, breathing.

I commit myself to explore all the memories I still hold and cycle/participate into that activate my fear of flying.

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Day 157: The Paranoia/Phobia of Flying – Reacting to Imagination of Sitting on a Plane

Continuing from:
The Fear of Flying
Allowing my Imagination Get to Me
Projecting Failure during Take Off

It is the paranoia of flying I am walking now because according to the EQAFE interview Introduction – Fears & Phobias I realize I developed a phobia to flying where it has become a possession to the extent where I have created and generated a bunch imaginations/projections/thoughts that activate while I’m flying or before I fly, and will experience these things as well as physical reactions of sweating, heart racing, etc.

When I was sitting and listening to someone talk, I looked at how I will be taking a plane next week and a projection of me sitting in the air plane came up and then my solar plexus jumped in fear.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when talking to another person, think about how I have to fly on an airplane instead of giving my full attention to the person because I would want the person to give me their full attention when I am talking to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself within and as my mind of me sitting on an air plane, and from this, jump in fear within/as my solar plexus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be scared about flying an airplane, instead of realizing this is just a system luring me to participate within it’s thoughts and projections to generate more energy as fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself define myself as someone who has to be scared when thinking about airplanes, instead of realizing I can decide to change this relationship to no longer accept and allow myself to fear flying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who is afraid of flying instead of realizing I made the decision to become afraid of flying, so thus, that means I have the power to change the decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this fear is bigger than me, and thus superior instead of realizing I created this fear through the small acceptances and allowances that accumulated to the paranoia/phobia it is now and all I need to do is walk in reverse by finding and understanding these points I allowed to accumulate for myself to create such phobia/paranoia.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I created this fear of flying through my own acceptance and allowance of defining myself as someone afraid of flying and allowing this fear to accumulate and continue instead of directing myself to sort the fear out so it doesn’t get a hold of me to the point where I become panicky and anxious during the entire travelling process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give me, my power, to the fear of flying by fearing something to happen to the plane while I’m on it that could threaten my life.

Because flying is unpredictable, meaning, things can happen – delays, cancellations, technical/mechanical problems with the plane, I react in fear to this point — flying in an air plane can be/is unpredictable. I created/made an emotional experience of it, instead of realizing my whole life is unpredictable.

So within this, there is a fear of the unpredictable, of the unknown, and in this specific case, there is a fear of flying because I cannot trust that the flying experience will be fine, I am not sure what awaits when I fly a plane, and that part is what I react to – that unknown, whether or not my flight will be fine, yet I realize that whatever happens on the plane, I can still be stable, still stabilize myself, my body, my breathing the whole way on the plane, because that is what’s most important – is staying here, supporting myself and the body because that is what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the fact that I cannot trust the outcome of my plane ride, instead of looking at pilots and crew members of the air plane in that it is their job to do what they can to assure the safety for all, and therefore, I can only do what I can do with travelling, so there is no point to go into fear and paranoia about my safety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there may be a pilot or crew member who is so unstable in their mind they could jeopardize the safety of the whole plane ride instead of realizing I am using this example as a justification to continue feeding on the paranoia of flying, and I realize it is for no purpose except to support and assist in the evolution of the mind consciousness system, therefore it is my responsibility as a part of life to stop this before it creates even more consequences.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that stability within who I am is the best and most supportive for me and all and it is with breathing, writing, self-forgiveness, being here in my physical body and living my decision to not participate in my mind as the best solution/medicine in regards to flying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a paranoia towards the unpredictability of flying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear towards the unpredictability of flying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear towards the fact that I cannot determine or predict the outcome of my flight – that is fact – and therefore, can only be here in every moment of breath.

Self-Corrective & Self-Commitment Statements:
 
When and as I see myself project being on an air plane while someone is talking to me and I go into fear, I stop, I take a deep breathe and I immediately forgive myself of the distraction by bringing myself back here and listening to what the person is saying. I realize that the mind is set up to grab my attention and take me away from here, and so when I see myself stray off in the mind, I come back here to this reality and do what I am suppose to be doing.

I commit myself to walk out of this fear of flying by/through walking all necessary points through writing and self-forgiveness to release myself and practically change through self-corrective application.

I commit myself to walk the decision I made for myself to assist and support myself to walk, stop and change this paranoia of flying by no longer being afraid of my own fear/paranoia but taking the necessary steps of stopping this point through writing, investigation/research, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I commit myself to walk through and STOP this paranoia of flying within the starting point of SOLUTION and FINDING A SOLUTION for myself.

I see, realize and understand that I cannot predict the future but I can control/direct who I am in every moment of breath within consideration of what is best for me/what assists and supports me and my body best.

I commit myself to find solutions/ways to stabilize myself in this physical reality because I realize that is best for me and my life.

When and as I see myself justify why I should fear or become more paranoid about flying when for example, I think “what if the pilot or crew member jeopardize the plane ride because their mind is unstable?” I stop, I breathe and I forgive myself from the internal conversation as it only creates another layer for the mind and supports the paranoia. I realize it takes a decision to stop it, so when this type of thinking comes up, I say “stop, I do not accept this” within the decision to not allow this type of thinking to grab hold of me.

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