Day 184: How I Allowed Another’s Words to Influence Me

Continuing from:    Surprise Text

The basic context of one memory I have is where I am nervous/anxious/uncomfortable around X and when I saw them and their mother last year.

This person sits on the couch and I didn’t want to sit by them yet don’t want to leave the room completely, so I sat by the table. I was afraid to leave or else they would make a comment or judge me about it and I would take it personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate within uncertainty about where to sit by not wanting to be too close where I have to be involved in the conversation and yet far away so I don’t appear cold instead of sorting out my problem in the first place: not wanting to be around this certain person

I realize that I have a resistance towards this person, which is why I didn’t want to sit or be near them. I wanted to essentially be cut out of the conversation because I didn’t know what to say and I was sure this person and I really couldn’t discuss anything since we don’t meet eye to eye on many topics. However, I realize they are showing something about me to me, when I react to what I see X is doing, that indicated I exist in that which I reacted in some way or another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncertain as to what to do while in the presence of this person because I have resistance to talk to them because I define who they are negatively and thus don’t want to be around them instead of realizing I am holding onto memories and using them to justify why this person is the way they is thus I have nothing to do with it, instead of realizing my responsibility towards this – that any thought, opinion or judgement I have towards another is what I need to take responsibility for as these things are abusive to life on earth

I realize that no judgement or thought or opinion is harmless – they contribute and support the mind consciousness system that is built on separation and resourcing energy from the physical to feed its existence in self-interest with no consideration of others and it is my participation within the MCS that cause consequences towards life on earth

Why do I fear this person? Oh yes, now I remember, they use to call me names! Yes, they use to call me ‘dork’ a lot…okay, so yes, they use to place judgements on me when I was younger, in my teenage years, online and also in person when I would for example express myself a certain way. I for example took a ‘selfie’ of myself once and there was a trash can full of trash in the background and someone pointed it out and then this person called me a ‘dork’ about it. I define ‘dork’ as someone being gullible and naïve and a bit stupid, like someone who does things without thinking first/considering things first and then the consequence is that this person looks stupid for what they did. When I was called that I would go in a state of negative energy, feeling ‘bad’ for myself.

In the dictionary dork is defined in two ways:
1. Slang. a silly, out-of-touch person who tends to look odd or behave ridiculously around others; a social misfit: If you make me wear that, I’ll look like a total dork! Synonyms: jerk, schmo; nerd, geek.
2. Slang: Vulgar. penis.

It’s interesting how I took another’s words and charged it with energy and defined myself according to what I percived being a ‘dork’ really is. I allowed it to effect who I was on a self-confidence level. I was young and this person was an older adult and I easily accepted/allowed their words and comments to define me.

So cool this point opened up cause I couldn’t understand why I feared this person so much/why I saw myself less than them and I see a part of this was because I had not let go of this point of being called names and judged by them when I was younger. I allowed myself to take that personally since I had no education or skills on how to develop self confidence.

Okay, this will be continued, thanks for reading…

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