Day 220: Reality Clashing with Personal Desires

I react in anger to the thought/backchat that I did not expect to stay with my roommates for this long – that by now I should be living with my partner in our own apartment. But the reality is, we are not rich and we have to wait until an apartment within our budget and requirements come along, so this is going to take longer than anticipated. Impatience and irritation also come up. Existing in such emotions is not acceptable, because getting emotional is not going to solve or help the situation get better and will make living more problematic. I can’t get everything my way, I need to be patient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to the thought/backchat of ”this is taking longer than expected” and from this, I realize how manipulating this thought is, where it fuels my temper tantrums instead of realizing this is not the way to exist/live, but to really take things practically, be mature and walk space-time in being patient and doing what I can with finding a good apartment

When and as I see myself react in anger to the thought ”this is taking longer than I expected,” I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to give in/participate in this manipulative thought because I know where this will take me — into temper tantrums tendencies so from this, I commit myself to instead keep a cool head, be mature about this point by walking the apartment-process day by day, searching for apartments and practice breathing within/as patience of the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak out in frustration to my partner, in a moment of reaction by saying ”I did not expect this to take so long,” as a point of blame, to project this problem unto my partner instead of taking responsibility myself in seeing that I am making it harder on myself and my partner for being so emotional/difficult, I need to be patient, because to actually get an apartment I need to actively search for them, and do the waiting, because this is how the process works, and this is what I need to do, this is how reality works, so making an emotional big deal out of it is unnecessary because the process that needs to be walked is what it is

When and as I see myself want to complain or project blame unto my partner about our living situation, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to do this because I realize acting out in such an emotional manner will not do anything to make the situation better and that if I were to see myself act like this in the eyes of another I would not be proud/happy with myself, so from this, I commit myself to stop complaining and/or projecting blame onto my partner about the situation because I know it’s a temper tantrum/personality coming out and that even if I were to express myself emotionally, it still will not make the situation better, so I practice breathing through these emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to the idea that the process of getting an apartment is taking so slow because I want an apartment now, instead of making peace with reality, in accepting my current situation as is, it is me who is making it harder than it should be

When and as I see myself react in anger to the idea/reality that this process is taking slower than I want, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to give in/participate in the anger because I realize it’s best to make peace with where I am in my situation, realizing I am only living temporarily with my roommates and in due time will be able to have my own living space

I commit myself to investigate the temper tantrum personality that exists within me where I want my wants manifested now and if not, will make an emotional big deal out of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to the reality/self-honest fact that I need to be patient, that my wants are not going to materialize quickly, that it is going to be a process to get an apartment I want, because that it how it is, so I need to train myself to make peace with reality, with how things work, I need to tell myself, communicate to my mind-self that I need to be patient

I commit myself to write out for myself how I am going to be patient within this apartment-hunting process, how am I going to live patience while walking this apartment-point and practice it until I become patience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the thought/backchat that we don’t have enough money to get a nice apartment quickly instead of realizing how I’m manipulating myself to keep existing/fueling emotions towards the reality/point that apartments will not be handed out to me, it is something I have to actively participate and do myself

When and as I see myself participate in the backchat/thought we don’t have enough money to get a nice apartment quickly, or ”if only we had a lot of money…” I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to give in/participate in this thought because I realize its manipulative where it will take me into generating anger, fueling my temper tantrum personality into then projecting blame/becoming emotional about the apartment-point. I realize this point comes from a personality, and I commit myself to understand this personality in more detail so I can find solutions on how to change it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to complain and throw my anger out towards another, towards my partner for not having my ”Dream/desire” manifest the way I want to because I want to have an apartment now, to have my own space, to be able to manage/organize/control my own environment, to be able to do things I want to do, go to sleep when I want to and within this can see I have control issues that come from my past where I have attached emotions to memories in my life where I have felt I have not been in control, where I couldn’t have things I wanted to because parents wouldn’t allow me. I realize, see and understand I have control issues that require to be investigated and changed.

I commit myself to change and stop my control issues and I do this by investigating, understanding and directing myself into what is best/most supportive for me in terms of how to change my control issues by walking the Desteni tools

Will look deeper into my temper tantrum personality and how to live patience in apartment-searching in the next posts, thanks.

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Day 215: The Fear that Drives My Stress in Work

I am working on a project currently and my stress levels have been very high. Who I am within and walking this project has been stressed, and I see it beneficial to actually write out the problem so I can find a solution for myself. I do see that it is a personality pattern I’m holding onto and existing as, but it needs to be deprogrammed because it is causing stress within me and my body where my breathing becomes shallow, my chest constricts and I pressure myself into expectations of what needs to be done within a certain period of time instead of actually walking this project step by step, stopping projections and just being here.

This requires me to re-define and walk the word PATIENCE as well as understanding this personality-system more. So let me start.

I react in fear towards the idea that this project needs to be completed today, but this is actually irrational because this project is large and thus requires a lot of time to build. Then I have this idea that I cannot relax, I need to be stressed about this because I’m afraid if I relax my job will not be completed to the level or extent I think/believe it would be if I were stressed. This comes from an idea of when I was in school around middle school age when I would work for hours on a school project, constantly focused and in a state of stress and really thinking that that is what drives me to do my best. One example is that in high school during lunch I realized a paper for Spanish class was due next class so within the 45 minutes I had I typed up a complete paper and got an A on it. So from there I thought and believed that I can do good on these projects IF I remain in a certain state of mind, which in my case, is a particular form of STRESS.

The stress is specific. It is like a constant focus, a drive within that comes from a fear, fear of losing out, and I do not let me take a break unless it’s bathroom or food, but I am in a ‘zone’ or state of mind where I am driven by this fear and push as this stress to do my best work.

This way of working, while stressed, can really push an individual to do many things, however, the stress and pressure from the mind involved in the body is not supportive. So how can I create a relationship to the work I do to make it stress-free and also do my best work without that energy of fear? I first need to de-program this point, so here is Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear towards the idea that my project needs to be completed today because of the fear that if it isn’t than someone else’s project similar to mine might come into manifestation/fruition and be better

When and as I see myself react in fear to the idea that I must finish my project today/soon, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in the fear because I realize that this project needs to be walked step by step and will be built through time to become a project with my work imvolved, thus I realize this project will take time and will not be done in a day or week, but will take an accumulation of days and work for it to be substantial

I commit myself to walk this project step by step, one point at a time, breathing through and letting go/forgiving any fears or ideas that come up towards this point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear another’s project may be ‘better’ than mine because I fear losing out in having more attention, fame, and money instead of realizing my starting point is more geared towards self-interest instead of genuine intent of doing this project for me in assisting and supporting me to expand within who I am and what I do

When ans as I see myself go into fearing another’s project to be or eventually become better than mine, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back to the reason why I started this project, that it is a project I want to do for me and others to better assist those in the country I am living in, thus I commit myself to forgive/let go of desires of my project becoming the best because I realize then my whole starting point is in competition/fear and not genuine support, so I commit to practice sticking to my starting point of doing this project for/as me instead of others/in separation of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire so much to be famous and to have a lot of money with my project so I can feel comfortable and safe with my life, knowing that I have enough money to buy whatever I may need to fit my needs and desires so I don’t live a life in fear and survival

When and as I see myself desire to be famous and to have enough money to live comfortably, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in the desire as I realize it is coming from a fear of survival, so I commit myself to remind myself of my financial stability/that I have all I need and to stop allowing myself to go off in thoughts of worry and fear of not being able to make enough or have enough money since I see I do have enough to live comfortably at this stage

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I need to move fast with this project or else I won’t be able to gain the attention and possible profit I may get if I were to be slow with it or not get it by the end of the week instead of realizing that I fear losing money and oppurtunites that ‘could have been’ if I have just gotten them done sooner

When and as I see myself desire to move FAST because I fear losing out on an opportunity that can bring me wealth and/or fame, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in this fear because I realize it is a program to keep me in a continuous state of stress and I realize that does not help me or my body, so I commit myself to simply work on the project for/as me in self-enjoyment and expansion and embrace any oppurtunites that may come, not think or wish about them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear finding out that my project is not good enough or not completed in enough time because another has created an even better project than me and recieves the attention, fame and money that I have wanted with this and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing out on an opportunity of attention, fame and money

When and as I see myself fear or project another having or creating a better project than me and receiving more attention/fame/money than me, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in fear or projections of this point since I realize they do nothing but drive me into stress and competition, so from this I commit myself to stop giving in or feeding into projections or fears of someone doing a better job on the project than me and focus on this project is assisting and supporting myself to expand in my skills and awareness

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration the many other individuals involved with similar projects as me, many of them coming before me and already having successful projects publicly available and praised and within this I see a desire is existent within me where I want to be at the ‘top’ so I am the ‘best’ because I want to feel ‘safe’ with where I’m at in terms of financial stability

I commit myself to remain humble within my project-process by focusing on expanding my skills

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myslf to see, realize and understand how I exist within a fear of losing money or not having enough money and fearing that the money I ask to borrow or recieve from another will go away

I commit myself to investigate the fear of losing money, not having enough money and fearing the money I ask to borrow from or receive will go away through self-honesty, writing and self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to a memory where I waited in line for several hours to buy concert tickets with a huge desire and stress to getting really good seats only to realize after waiting in line so long they don’t take credit card so I had to go to the machine and take out cash, thus losing my opportunity to get good seats at the concert I really wanted to go to and having to wait back in line again and then finding out they only had lawn seats available, and within this —

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so angry, incredibly angry at not getting what I wanted because of not having the information or knowledge that the box office only accepts cash because I was stressed to begin with seeing all the people in line, and even projecting and imagining all the other girls my age standing in line for tickets and how it is such a competition to get good seats and how it’s ‘not fair’ I couldn’t get good seats after waiting in line for so long and wanting so badly to get good seats so I could be close to my favorite singer. I see, realize and understand that because I lost my oppurtunity to be ‘first’ and get really good seats compared to other girls, I really reacted in anger because my whole starting point was to be first so I could get the best seat, and within this I see, realize and understand I had been angry over the fact I was stressing out over something beyond my control in that I cannot have my desires manifest the way I want them to, I must take reality into consideration and that thousands of girls were probably in my situation, wanting the best seat at the concert and waiting several hours in line to get them, so even if I were first or in the beginning of the line does not mean I will get better seats than other girls around the country also in lines. I realize that this entire world system lives and breathes competition, it is what we have programmed ourselves in because of FEAR of LOSING OUT/MISSING OUT/NOT SURVIVING

I commit myself to understand and find solutions to stopping the competition that exists within me since I realize it comes from fears of losing out/missing out/survival and thus I allow it to drive me into stress and acting out in certain ways towards my work and what I do.

I also see, realize and understand there is a drive within me of COMPETITION, of wanting to be the BEST and getting to things FIRST, because if you are FIRST you are the BEST and at THE TOP. So, I can see this drive and stress within is from competition, wanting to have the best project, fearing to lose out on opportunities.

Funny how I associate being competitive to being a male, so not wanting to acknowledge or identify within myself this ‘competitive streak’ within me of wanting to be the best/be at the top. Fascinating this opened up!

More to be continued. Thanks for reading.

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Day 213: The Tendency of Beating Yourself Up

Continuation from: Day 212: A Childhood Mistake

”And it’s interesting this point of having done something so ‘bad’ connecting killing something or someone as really bad, is coming from morality and how I grew up with family values based in religion and morality where it is ‘so bad’ if someone kills someone, but I see it as defining that person as ‘bad’ as a bad person, instead of understanding that person/who they are that led them to killing, but to bring it back to the point, I defined myself as being really bad, beating myself up because I had killed my fish, I had made a bad mistake, I had done something really bad, and this I see is a point I’ve been existent in for quite some time, all of my life basically where I have had the tendency to really beat myself up, not want to forgive myself when I make mistakes. Like really harsh within me. ”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beat myself up and use the point of having made a serious mistake to be a reason why I should beat myself up/punish me instead of taking this mistake as a lesson for me to learn from, not DEFINE myself as it and move on

When and as I see myself make a mistake and about to go into or immediately go into the energy/behavior of beating myself up, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in this self-destructive behavior as it does not but perpetuate self-abuse, but instead I question myself what can I learn from this, what dimension within this did I not see/miss? and then assist and support myself to take note of this mistake and see how I can use this mistake as prevention for the future, like taking the mistake and asking myself what I can do if I walk into a similar situation, how can I stop myself from making the same mistake again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into self hate and shame for having made a mistake instead of realizing this is a personality I have created where I want things to be perfect and when I make a serious mistake or do something that doesn’t match up to what I want/expect in relation to being perfect, I go into self-hate, anger and punishment.

I commit myself to investigate this personality-tendency of beating myself up for mistakes through writing, and self-forgiveness since I realize I have created, accepted and allowed this behavior in myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that life in equality and oneness does not exist in hate, or punishment, because this world as it exists now exists in just that, and what is here in this world as a mirror of me is not best for all, thus it is my responsibility to stop the self-hate, the self-abuse, self-punishment within and become part of the life-cycle where one treats and cares for one the way one wants to be treated

I commit myself to become part of the Life-Cycle through identifying problems and points that exist within me that is not best for me/all and actually harms life and use the self-empowerment tools of self-honesty, writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to change and correct myself so I become and live in a way best for all

One dimension that stands out in this regard of beating myself up or going into self-hate after making a mistake, such as for example having accidentally killing my fish, is that this may be in relation to my zodiac sign of being a Virgo, where it’s per-programmed within me to want to be a perfectionist and not to be happy or satisfied unless everything goes as planned. That making mistakes is something Virgo’s don’t like, lol.

In the next blog I will investigate my relationship to the word MISTAKE. Thanks for reading.

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Day 199: The word RELAX – Part 2

Continuation from Day 198: The word RELAX

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I were to be relaxed my guard will be down, meaning my protection and defence mechanisms that are there to ‘prepare’ me for any ‘blows or attacks’ from others behaviours or reactions and from this I realize that allowing myself to relax will assist and support me in being more in ‘tune’ with how my body responds to my thoughts/emotions so I can face and work with what I see and am aware of – thus, being relax will support me in my process of self-awareness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea and belief that being relax is when you completely ‘let yourself go’ meaning not having any care of preparation for what you need to do or live in this world but sink into an ethereal state of ‘bliss’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being relaxed to being ignorant, where being relaxed within oneself and ‘letting go’ means to not be aware of this moment instead of realizing it is practically possible to be aware of oneself and let go of the tension/constrictions in one’s body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot relax in this world, that I always need to be ‘up and ready’ and ‘prepared’ for something to come my way, instead of realizing this is a personality I created where I “can’t relax” through justifying that I need to be ready/prepared for fear of something happening to me that can threaten my survival in this world and from this I realize that one can live in this world and be aware and prepared for whatever may come within a relaxed state in the body of breathing normally, letting go of tensions in the body and walking forgiveness and self-correction when one sees a mind point causing tension/constriction in the body

I will continue with more self-introspection and insight into the word RELAX as well as look into the Etymology definition and historical context of the word in the next blog post to come, thanks for reading.

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Day 196: What Can Open Up if I Just Share A Little About Myself

I donated blood today. One of the nurses looked at the shirt I was wearing (had the name of the school I work at) and asked me if I was a student lol. I said no – I work there. Then I wanted to share how today was the last day of school and my last day at work before I move but I held that in. A few moments later I looked back and questioned myself why did I not share something like that? I saw a personality in relation to socializing with strangers and the tendency to withhold information.

So within that I made the decision that if the school topic came back up I’d share more on that point because: I wanted to share this and I saw no harm in communicating about it. The opportunity did come again and I shared my point and boy was I in for a surprise.

I mentioned that it was the last day of school for me and that I will be moving to another country next week and will be getting married over there. It turns out that same nurse has a best friend who also got married and moved to the exact same country (and city!) that I am moving to, and from there we had a really interesting, fun conversation about travels and marriage. I was surprised to connect with the person in that way — it was really cool.

From this, I realize that if I just speak up a little more and share a little more about myself or my day to others, I can open up interesting conversations and interactions with people that can assist me in my journey/process. I also realize how I have the tendency to hold back on sharing things that can otherwise be interesting conversation starters. So when I see myself suppress myself/hold back from sharing myself, to take a breath and share myself when the opportunity opens up. This personality/point will be looked at deeper in blog posts to come, but here I am sharing general insights and realizations.

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Day 185: Memory: Selfie Gone Wrong

Continuing from:
Day 183: Surprise Text
Day 184: How I Allowed Another’s Words to Influence Me
 
The memory I have with this person starts with when I took a “selfie” of myself when I was in college. I thought I looked really good in it until someone commented they can see the trash in a trash can by me, and then X (who I wrote about previously) called me a dork. So within this, when I first discovered one could see the trash in my picture I was disappointed, and then when X called me a dork because of this, I “sank” within myself, justifying I am a dork because I didn’t know the trash was shown in the picture. I believed myself to be a dork, that which I defined as someone stupid who doesn’t “think” before they act.

What I realize was that even before this happened I existed within low self confidence of myself, and I have now been looking at this being due to my mother and how I imprinted my mother’s characteristics, but that is another point to write about another time. I had seen X as superior to me, even intimidating because of how they acted and what they would say. How X would so quickly express themselves in a manner and make judgements or comments towards others that one would define as harsh or mean. What I did not realize until now is that X is the way they are due to how they were brought up within the family and the neighborhood they lived in, and therefore, the way that they are (“tough” as another called it) is due to their upbringing and enviroment. However, me, not being used to such people/personalities I woudl easily take such comments and behaviors personally.

I will be facing X soon at an event and want to do what I can to remain stable within their presence. So I am looking at now this point of confidence, of standing up as me, being myself, not allowing myself to fear expressing myself around X. What I see is a fear of expressing me, being me for fear of how they will react or if they will say something in a way that is non-supportive. What I see within that is that even if they were to say such non-supportive things that is their point/their responsibility which shows a problem with themselves, not me, and also its a matter of will I accept their words to influence me?

So let me first walk Self-Forgiveness on the memory:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dissapointed when it was pointed out to me that another could see trash in the trashcan in my selfie because I believed it showed/exposed a part of me that I didn’t want others to see – the “human side” of me where I forgot to take out the trash or move the trash can before I took the selfie because I wanted to appear/look like someone that doesn’t forget such practical reality things.

I see, realize and understand that I was trying to uphold an idea or image in people’s minds about who I was and when something like trash being noticed in the background was seen it conflicted with my desire to look/appear a certain way.

When and as I see myself want to be a certain image or idea in people’s minds about who I am when I am taking a picture, I stop and breathe and bring myself back to reality in understanding that we are all equal and that there is no need to try to be or look a certain way for another but to simply be here as oneself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the disappointment go into a low within myself where I became embarrassed for my mistake instead of laughing it off and learning next time to consider my enviroment when taking pictures.

I see, realize and understand that I have the tendency to immediately go into a low or self-sabotaging point within myself when I make a mistake instead of using that opportunity to learn from it. I realize I need to redefine the word MISTAKE for myself.

I commit myself to redefine the word MISTAKE so when I make mistakes it becomes a supprtive point for me instead of a self-sabotgating point.

When and as I see myself make a mistake and go into a low/self sabotage moment for myself, I stop, and breathe and ask myself what do I need to learn from here? and then walk into an understanding/learning of the mistake so I do not make such mistakes again. This will also be supportive for me.

To be continued…

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Day 158: "Have a Safe Flight"

When I was at the airport, a man helped me with my luggage and after I thanked him he said “Have a safe flight.” I reacted in back chat of “why are they wishing me to have a safe flight?” within that, I allowed myself to go into uncertainty and fear about my flight because “why would someone say that?” “Is something going to be wrong with my flight?”

So while skimming through a couple of message boards on the internet about this expression, one person wrote they rather not hear “have a safe flight” because if so, they would start thinking about dangerous things that could happen to them. One person even mentioned that to ward off his paranoia he just avoids the word ‘safety’ in conversations.

The problem for me here is that I took one saying/expression from someone and completly turned it into a point where I become paranoid towards my flight. I’ve been told the saying before, but because I had that morning been in fear and anxiety about my flight, I allowed myself to use that expression to accumulate more fear for myself.

What I see as one solution is to stop questioning sayings/expressions from people from a starting point of fear/anxiety because all that does is support the fears and anxieties, and another solution is to sort out all memories in relation to the fear of flying because the backchat I explained above comes from a main point/fear/energy/system/personality.

“Our problem is we have embraced safety as the highest value. You can see this in everything from the laws passed after 9/11 to the words we use to see each other off at the airport: “‘Have a safe trip. Have a safe flight.’ It’s deeply embedded in our culture right now.” –William Langewiesche from Vanity Fair

In the next blog I will walk self-forgiveness.

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