Day 215: The Fear that Drives My Stress in Work

I am working on a project currently and my stress levels have been very high. Who I am within and walking this project has been stressed, and I see it beneficial to actually write out the problem so I can find a solution for myself. I do see that it is a personality pattern I’m holding onto and existing as, but it needs to be deprogrammed because it is causing stress within me and my body where my breathing becomes shallow, my chest constricts and I pressure myself into expectations of what needs to be done within a certain period of time instead of actually walking this project step by step, stopping projections and just being here.

This requires me to re-define and walk the word PATIENCE as well as understanding this personality-system more. So let me start.

I react in fear towards the idea that this project needs to be completed today, but this is actually irrational because this project is large and thus requires a lot of time to build. Then I have this idea that I cannot relax, I need to be stressed about this because I’m afraid if I relax my job will not be completed to the level or extent I think/believe it would be if I were stressed. This comes from an idea of when I was in school around middle school age when I would work for hours on a school project, constantly focused and in a state of stress and really thinking that that is what drives me to do my best. One example is that in high school during lunch I realized a paper for Spanish class was due next class so within the 45 minutes I had I typed up a complete paper and got an A on it. So from there I thought and believed that I can do good on these projects IF I remain in a certain state of mind, which in my case, is a particular form of STRESS.

The stress is specific. It is like a constant focus, a drive within that comes from a fear, fear of losing out, and I do not let me take a break unless it’s bathroom or food, but I am in a ‘zone’ or state of mind where I am driven by this fear and push as this stress to do my best work.

This way of working, while stressed, can really push an individual to do many things, however, the stress and pressure from the mind involved in the body is not supportive. So how can I create a relationship to the work I do to make it stress-free and also do my best work without that energy of fear? I first need to de-program this point, so here is Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear towards the idea that my project needs to be completed today because of the fear that if it isn’t than someone else’s project similar to mine might come into manifestation/fruition and be better

When and as I see myself react in fear to the idea that I must finish my project today/soon, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in the fear because I realize that this project needs to be walked step by step and will be built through time to become a project with my work imvolved, thus I realize this project will take time and will not be done in a day or week, but will take an accumulation of days and work for it to be substantial

I commit myself to walk this project step by step, one point at a time, breathing through and letting go/forgiving any fears or ideas that come up towards this point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear another’s project may be ‘better’ than mine because I fear losing out in having more attention, fame, and money instead of realizing my starting point is more geared towards self-interest instead of genuine intent of doing this project for me in assisting and supporting me to expand within who I am and what I do

When ans as I see myself go into fearing another’s project to be or eventually become better than mine, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back to the reason why I started this project, that it is a project I want to do for me and others to better assist those in the country I am living in, thus I commit myself to forgive/let go of desires of my project becoming the best because I realize then my whole starting point is in competition/fear and not genuine support, so I commit to practice sticking to my starting point of doing this project for/as me instead of others/in separation of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire so much to be famous and to have a lot of money with my project so I can feel comfortable and safe with my life, knowing that I have enough money to buy whatever I may need to fit my needs and desires so I don’t live a life in fear and survival

When and as I see myself desire to be famous and to have enough money to live comfortably, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in the desire as I realize it is coming from a fear of survival, so I commit myself to remind myself of my financial stability/that I have all I need and to stop allowing myself to go off in thoughts of worry and fear of not being able to make enough or have enough money since I see I do have enough to live comfortably at this stage

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I need to move fast with this project or else I won’t be able to gain the attention and possible profit I may get if I were to be slow with it or not get it by the end of the week instead of realizing that I fear losing money and oppurtunites that ‘could have been’ if I have just gotten them done sooner

When and as I see myself desire to move FAST because I fear losing out on an opportunity that can bring me wealth and/or fame, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in this fear because I realize it is a program to keep me in a continuous state of stress and I realize that does not help me or my body, so I commit myself to simply work on the project for/as me in self-enjoyment and expansion and embrace any oppurtunites that may come, not think or wish about them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear finding out that my project is not good enough or not completed in enough time because another has created an even better project than me and recieves the attention, fame and money that I have wanted with this and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing out on an opportunity of attention, fame and money

When and as I see myself fear or project another having or creating a better project than me and receiving more attention/fame/money than me, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in fear or projections of this point since I realize they do nothing but drive me into stress and competition, so from this I commit myself to stop giving in or feeding into projections or fears of someone doing a better job on the project than me and focus on this project is assisting and supporting myself to expand in my skills and awareness

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration the many other individuals involved with similar projects as me, many of them coming before me and already having successful projects publicly available and praised and within this I see a desire is existent within me where I want to be at the ‘top’ so I am the ‘best’ because I want to feel ‘safe’ with where I’m at in terms of financial stability

I commit myself to remain humble within my project-process by focusing on expanding my skills

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myslf to see, realize and understand how I exist within a fear of losing money or not having enough money and fearing that the money I ask to borrow or recieve from another will go away

I commit myself to investigate the fear of losing money, not having enough money and fearing the money I ask to borrow from or receive will go away through self-honesty, writing and self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to a memory where I waited in line for several hours to buy concert tickets with a huge desire and stress to getting really good seats only to realize after waiting in line so long they don’t take credit card so I had to go to the machine and take out cash, thus losing my opportunity to get good seats at the concert I really wanted to go to and having to wait back in line again and then finding out they only had lawn seats available, and within this —

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so angry, incredibly angry at not getting what I wanted because of not having the information or knowledge that the box office only accepts cash because I was stressed to begin with seeing all the people in line, and even projecting and imagining all the other girls my age standing in line for tickets and how it is such a competition to get good seats and how it’s ‘not fair’ I couldn’t get good seats after waiting in line for so long and wanting so badly to get good seats so I could be close to my favorite singer. I see, realize and understand that because I lost my oppurtunity to be ‘first’ and get really good seats compared to other girls, I really reacted in anger because my whole starting point was to be first so I could get the best seat, and within this I see, realize and understand I had been angry over the fact I was stressing out over something beyond my control in that I cannot have my desires manifest the way I want them to, I must take reality into consideration and that thousands of girls were probably in my situation, wanting the best seat at the concert and waiting several hours in line to get them, so even if I were first or in the beginning of the line does not mean I will get better seats than other girls around the country also in lines. I realize that this entire world system lives and breathes competition, it is what we have programmed ourselves in because of FEAR of LOSING OUT/MISSING OUT/NOT SURVIVING

I commit myself to understand and find solutions to stopping the competition that exists within me since I realize it comes from fears of losing out/missing out/survival and thus I allow it to drive me into stress and acting out in certain ways towards my work and what I do.

I also see, realize and understand there is a drive within me of COMPETITION, of wanting to be the BEST and getting to things FIRST, because if you are FIRST you are the BEST and at THE TOP. So, I can see this drive and stress within is from competition, wanting to have the best project, fearing to lose out on opportunities.

Funny how I associate being competitive to being a male, so not wanting to acknowledge or identify within myself this ‘competitive streak’ within me of wanting to be the best/be at the top. Fascinating this opened up!

More to be continued. Thanks for reading.

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