Day 212: A Childhood Mistake

Continuing from:
Day 211: Health Paranoia

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to know everything in relation to all the ways, treatments and steps to prevent or heal a disease/illness instead of realizing that is absolutely impossible because new information on such a topic is constantly streaming and ongoing and that this desire to know everything comes from a fear of not knowing what to do or how to save someone or myself from failing health/accident and going into major regret because of it

I commit myself to slow down when it comes to reading health articles and to simply learn/do research on that which I genuinely want to know/learn about that is/will be relevant in my life and let go of information that does not serve me or is not relevant to me in my life

I commit myself to educate myself on preventative measures and life saving techniques, such as CPR so that I have that information stored within me that can assist me/another if an emergency would occur however within this, I commit myself to breathe through whatever fears may arise where I fear not having enough information or not knowing all preventive life-saving techniques since I realize in reality I can only learn as much as I can within the time I have and that beating myself up or fearing not knowing something/regretting is a personality/point that requires to be looked at, walked and transcended

I question myself, what memory or event in my life happened where I went into a large regret after finding out information that I could have used to stop something happening, specifically from something dying: A memory of when my pet fish died.

This happened to me when I was about 10 or 11 and to me was quite traumatic. One of my parents was cleaning the fish tank and we had to transfer my fish to a bowl so they could really clean it up the tank. Little did I know that I should have put my fish in the bowl with the same water he lived in, but what happened was I did not know this – I put clean new water in the bowl then transferred my fish into the bowl and watched him swim frantically around and then die. I accidentally killed my fish right in front of me and I had formed a relationship with this fish, so I was very shocked and traumatized about this ordeal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to my fish suddenly dying on me because I didn’t understand why he just died in front of me instead of realizing that I did not know that I cannot put fish into new water or else they will go into shock and die instead of realizing I made a mistake and it was a genuine mistake where I unfortunately had to experience the consequence of my fish’s death

I commit myself to read up and educate myself BEFORE I get a pet so that I have awareness and education on how to take care of a pet so that accidental deaths that could have been prevented will no longer happen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to my fish because he was ‘mine,’ since I picked him out and gave him his own name and thus, felt ‘proud’ about that because he was only ‘my’ fish and projected my pride onto him and when I killed him it was like everything I felt about him or projected onto him also died and it was all my fault and thus I am ‘to blame’ so went into self-punishment, hating myself and beating myself up from this ordeal/mistake

I commit myself to stop attaching myself to animals/pets by seeing them as ‘mine’ as ‘mine’ is a part of ‘owning’ that comes from the mind instead of realizing each being and animal living here on this planet does not belong to ‘anyone’ as everyone is a unique individual living and sharing this planet with everyone else, though that each and every pet I may have is one I take care of the way I (if I were an animal) would like to be treated/taken care of without emotional attachment since that is also a form of self-interest and disregard of everyone and everything else that is equal to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame me and punish me and hate me for having killed my fish when I didn’t intend to instead of realizing that hating myself and punishing me for a mistake I made that was not in my awareness is nothing but a self-destructive habit that needs to be erased and no longer existent within me as it provides no assistance and support within this ordeal but simply keeps me stuck in self-torment which is really unnecessary since I can learn from my mistakes and share with others my mistakes and what I learned from them so they don’t do them as well

I commit myself to stop hating and punishing myself for the mistake I made when I was younger, where I accidentally killed my pet fish since I realize it was an actual mistake due to impulsivity and not having enough education on how to take care of a pet, so thus, I commit myself to make peace with the memory and take it as a ‘life lesson’ for me and to share with everyone that education on how to take care of one’s animal/pet is super critical and important

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of this mistake of having accidentally killed my fish because I feel like I need to punish or hate myself for it, instead of realizing I have a belief I should not let it go because I think what I did was really bad and should be held against me, like a ‘sentence’ or a point I need to live with for the rest of my life instead of seeing how destructive these points are where they only lead to further consequence, further abuse, further pain, simply because I think and believe I need to hurt/hate myself because what I did was ‘so bad‘ instead of realizing that there is another way, an acceptance and understanding of the past — yes, the past and what I had done will never leave me but the past does not have to define me, that even with this mistake I had made that did have unfortunate consequences doesn’t mean I have to drag that mistake with me for the rest of my life and use that mistake to fuel self-hate, and self-punishment but can instead learn from it, understand it and move on

I commit myself to investigate this self-punishment pattern/tendency that I exist in where I beat myself up for every little mistake because I realize that is far from supportive and needs to be corrected so that the entire cycle of self-abuse can finally be put to an endangered

I commit myself to remind and remember the realization/point that I cannot erase the past, but I can forgive myself and who I was in it and also, that I do not have to allow the past to define me because I have the tools to change, and from, this I commit myself to use the tools of self-support to change myself

And it’s interesting this point of having done something so ‘bad’ connecting killing something or someone as really bad, is coming from morality and how I grew up with family values based in religion and morality where it is ‘so bad’ if someone kills someone, but I see it as defining that person as ‘bad’ as a bad person, instead of understanding that person/who they are that led them to killing, but to bring it back to the point, I defined myself as being really bad, beating myself up because I had killed my fish, I had made a bad mistake, I had done something really bad, and this I see is a point I’ve been existent in for quite some time, all of my life basically where I have had the tendency to really beat myself up, not want to forgive myself when I make mistakes. Like really harsh within me.



Additional Support blog: Death of a Pet

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Day 204: Who Am I Alone?

An interesting point opened up for me where I was asked if I had looked at the fear of being alone. This question came up after I discussed some personal points with the person about how I have had difficulty stabilizing myself while living here in a foreign country. This brought up a memory where my family went on a short holiday while I stayed home to work and I ended up getting sick because I was so anxious being alone without them.

So this will be an interesting journey as I explore this point.

Let me first dissect a memory where I could see myself really reacting to being alone:

It was the first night my family was gone and I knew I would be seeing them tomorrow. I just had to hop on a plane. The first reaction that comes up is fear because I project through my mind my mom not being around. She has always been someone who has always provided support in the household, whether it’s cooking or cleaning up a mess I made, she was always there, eventually ‘picking up after me.’ Now, that she was not there, it was as if I experienced a shock of not having that external support around me, and then the fear comes up of not knowing what to do with myself. I felt very empty inside like I lost or left a part of myself with my mother, like that support she has always given me was not around. So there was this illusionary experience of feeling/being empty, like half empty. Then there was the anxiety of not knowing what to do, but then a stress within projecting everything I needed to do that day came up because I had to prepare and pack for a flight tomorrow. I still had not yet sorted out or directed the fear point of not having my mother or family members as that external support of being around, and I started to feel unwell about it when I did my errands. It’s interesting cause I realize if I had given myself some time to do some writing before I went off to do errands, then maybe I wouldn’t have gotten so sick because through the writing I would have been able to see more clearly why I am reacting in fear and be able to direct it.

Eventually as I walked my errands, I started to get a pain the bridge of my nose indicating sinus pressure. The pain then spread as a headache across my forehead and then I started to feel ill. When I got home I became so dizzy I threw up. I dealt with a stomach ache and nausea that entire night and the next morning. Then interestingly enough, once I got off the plane and greeted my mother and family the nausea went away and I felt fine.

The extent to which emotions can influence the body is astounding. This realization came through after a Destonian showed me how one can put so much pressure on the body through emotions/being emotional one can become sick, the body can handle only so much, so that is why it is so important to move and direct yourself IMMEDIATELY when emotions come up within you. This I have now taken seriously after having dealt with random health issues and experiences for the last 6 months. That I really cannot any more allow myself and my body to go through pressure of emotions due my own participation within them. So far I have been practising being more aware of myself, breathing, and using self-forgiveness when I see an emotion/energy movement come up inside me. It is tough because I have noticed points where I didn’t want to say Self-Forgiveness and let go of the point which means I need to look deeper into it.

So, I am going to walk the Alone point now in this blog since it is relevant to what is going on now in my life.

In the next blog post I will continue with dissecting the memory and walking Self-Forgiveness.

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Day 203: The Idea I Must Know EVERYTHING – Part 2

Continuing from:
Day 202: The Idea I Must Know EVERYTHING

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others when I do not receive enough/any information that I requested from them because they don’t know/don’t have that information because I realize that I expected and believed that they know the answer and when they don’t GIVE ME what I wanted/the information, I react. I realize that I make it an emotional point in my mind if someone I think/believed/judged has the answer does not actually have it. I do not want to hold expectations or ideas about what people may know just like I don’t want people to place expectations on me but I see if others have shown/proven what they are skilled/knowledgeable at in a certain area that’s cool cause then I can see where they are knowledgeable at but not make it emotional if they can’t provide the support I require

So, now what opened up is the pattern of: when I do not get/receive the answers/information I want I react within judgement and/or the emotion like irritation. There is one example where I asked someone about a famous building, wanting to know some history behind it and the person could not answer my question (they did not know) and I went into judgement, expecting them to know and I assumed/got the idea they should know about this building because of how long they’ve been living around the area. However, when I got to know the person I found out that despite being close to the famous building they rarely walked by it and got to know about it due to their life and living experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into judgement when another does not have the information or answer I expect from them instead of realizing I formed an idea/opinion about them that they know the answer and I put my trust into this idea instead of actually cross-referencing with reality by asking them genuinely if they have any information or answers, and within this I realized I had trusted an idea in my mind that they do know the answer/have the information based on assumptions according to who they are and where they live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the ideas in my mind about another having a certain amount of knowledge or information simply from assumptions I made up due to ideas I gathered according to how I perceive who they are, where they are from, their life/etc and when those ideas to do not match up to reality I react

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect and WANT an answer from another when I ask them a question and when they don’t have the answer for me, I react in anger and frustration and within this I realize I have the desire to want things NOW and when I don’t get things I want NOW (like answers) I react not realizing it’s me as the mind throwing the tantrum because I am not getting my desire fulfilled immediately and thus must be patient and consider the other person/situation which means I must set aside my self-interest and the desire of getting what I want immediately and consider reality and the people I am around.

I can see how the point of reacting when I don’t get things my way influences who I am within and around others. This is a point I am going to flag point and walk through in other blog posts. I am going to right now just focus on judgement when I do not receive the answers or information I need/want.

Self-Commitments & Self-Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself go into stress expecting me to know a lot of information about a topic/subject within a short period of time, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself participate anymore in the stress and self-pressure but focus on my breathing and relaxing my body as I realize that it will be a space-time process of learning and educating myself where it will take time to do this and thus I commit myself to stop expecting and placing pressure on myself for needing/having to learn a lot of information within a certain time period and simply organize my time to walk each point of information I need to know/educate myself on within my own self-study pace as practical as I can, letting go of any stress or tension as I realize I can only really take in so much information at a time

When and as I see myself go into self-judgement about “I should have known this/I should know this because I live here” I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in the judgement as I realize this point comes from my ex-boyfriend who made judgement/criticism about my lack of knowledge on my town and I took that personally and from this I realize that while it’s helpful/supportive to be aware and know one’s place of residence/area it doesn’t mean self is less than or inadequate to another if one doesn’t have certain information/knowledge on one’s town/residential area, it simply means self doesn’t have the knowledge/information existent within them and so, is supportive to learn for oneself more about their place of residence

I commit myself to educate myself on my residential area so I am aware of what is around me and if any fear or doubt towards not knowing something about my residential area comes up, I EDUCATE MYSELF so I know the answers/know about my area

When and as I see myself react in fear and/or helplessness towards not having information/knowledge about a certain part or building of my residential area I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in the fear/helplessness as I realize that I do not have the information/knowledge existent within me thus there is no point to react to this point as I realize I am not perfect and I cannot give everyone all answers as I am also new to this area so I am still in the process of learning myself, so I commit myself to give myself a break and stop beating myself up for not having enough information/knowledge to please/satisfy another’s question as I am still in the learning process myself, learning about my area, and so within this, I can use what I do not know about my area to actually seek out the answers so I can assist myself and another in learning more about my area

I commit myself to let go of any judgement I may have towards another who does not know the answer or can provide information/knowledge that I want/would like to know as I realize that this point of judging another for not having information comes from my upbringing in school or family whereas if I do not have answers the possibility of being judged or ridiculed is most likely when really the point behind this is competition/survival of the fittest and ‘who knows it all,’ because the one with most knowledge and information succeeds and does well in school/the system.

I commit myself to investigate the “Give Me What I Want” character/personality as I realize it is harmful and spiteful to exist within it as I only consider myself and my wants instead of others, equal to/as me

I commit myself to accept the reality that: if someone doesn’t have an answer for me, they don’t have an answer for me, and thus I take it on myself to seek for the answer myself or assist the other in finding the answer for me

I commit myself to ask specific questions to see if I can receive the specific information/knowledge/assistance I require

When and as I experience the desire/energy of wanting an answer NOW I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate anymore in this energy as I realize that it’s a self-interest point where I am driven to get things my way now instead of considering space-time reality and others. Thus I commit myself to practice and live patience within my day to day life by first exploring and redefining the word myself and then practice becoming it in fact, all the while breathing and practising remaining here when I see myself go into energy/emotion of wanting to get an answer NOW.

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Day 202: The Idea I Must Know EVERYTHING

I am not confident to walk my word redefinition blogs publicly and require my DIP buddy’s cross-reference before I publish, so I am going to open another point that has been pretty apparent and really came up to the surface today.

The point is that I have placed a lot of pressure on myself to be a type of person who holds a lot of knowledge and information about the city I am now living in for people who will be visiting me in the coming weeks and I’ve held this idea that I must know a lot about the city because of a fear of them asking me questions and me not being able to answer them. So, thus fearing the reactions or judgements of others if I am unable to answer or give historical information on the places I will be showing them around.

I see I have done this (judging others) in other aspects of my life, judging others for not having the knowledge and information I thought they had and wanted from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place pressure on myself within the idea that I MUST store/have within me enough knowledge and information so I can satisfy questions that others have about where I live because of the idea that since I live here I must have a certain amount of knowledge and information about it

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I got this idea of having to know all things about where I live from my ex-boyfriend who judged me for not knowing the street names of my town instead of realizing that I allowed myself to take his words personally and believe me to be at fault because I did not align or match up to what he expected of me through his own mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to provide a good enough answer to satisfy someone’s questions instead of realizing that I only have and can answer what I know/am aware of in the moment and thus use this fear to actually study and learn about where I live so I can support me with understanding my city/surroundings and assist another if they want to learn about it as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others to judge me if I cannot provide them with enough information to satisfy their needs instead of realizing that I have judged others if I expect them to know something when they don’t

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others when I do not receive enough/any information that I requested from them because they don’t know/don’t have that information because I realize that I expected and believed that they know the answer and when they don’t GIVE ME what I wanted/the information, I react. I realize that I make it an emotional point in my mind if someone I think/believed/judged has the answer does not actually have it. I do not want to hold expectations or ideas about what people may know just like I don’t want people to place expectations on me but I see if others have shown/proven what they are skilled/knowledgeable at in a certain area that’s cool cause then I can see where they are knowledgeable at but not make it emotional if they can’t provide the support I require

Will continue in the next post, thanks for reading.

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Day 185: Memory: Selfie Gone Wrong

Continuing from:
Day 183: Surprise Text
Day 184: How I Allowed Another’s Words to Influence Me
 
The memory I have with this person starts with when I took a “selfie” of myself when I was in college. I thought I looked really good in it until someone commented they can see the trash in a trash can by me, and then X (who I wrote about previously) called me a dork. So within this, when I first discovered one could see the trash in my picture I was disappointed, and then when X called me a dork because of this, I “sank” within myself, justifying I am a dork because I didn’t know the trash was shown in the picture. I believed myself to be a dork, that which I defined as someone stupid who doesn’t “think” before they act.

What I realize was that even before this happened I existed within low self confidence of myself, and I have now been looking at this being due to my mother and how I imprinted my mother’s characteristics, but that is another point to write about another time. I had seen X as superior to me, even intimidating because of how they acted and what they would say. How X would so quickly express themselves in a manner and make judgements or comments towards others that one would define as harsh or mean. What I did not realize until now is that X is the way they are due to how they were brought up within the family and the neighborhood they lived in, and therefore, the way that they are (“tough” as another called it) is due to their upbringing and enviroment. However, me, not being used to such people/personalities I woudl easily take such comments and behaviors personally.

I will be facing X soon at an event and want to do what I can to remain stable within their presence. So I am looking at now this point of confidence, of standing up as me, being myself, not allowing myself to fear expressing myself around X. What I see is a fear of expressing me, being me for fear of how they will react or if they will say something in a way that is non-supportive. What I see within that is that even if they were to say such non-supportive things that is their point/their responsibility which shows a problem with themselves, not me, and also its a matter of will I accept their words to influence me?

So let me first walk Self-Forgiveness on the memory:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dissapointed when it was pointed out to me that another could see trash in the trashcan in my selfie because I believed it showed/exposed a part of me that I didn’t want others to see – the “human side” of me where I forgot to take out the trash or move the trash can before I took the selfie because I wanted to appear/look like someone that doesn’t forget such practical reality things.

I see, realize and understand that I was trying to uphold an idea or image in people’s minds about who I was and when something like trash being noticed in the background was seen it conflicted with my desire to look/appear a certain way.

When and as I see myself want to be a certain image or idea in people’s minds about who I am when I am taking a picture, I stop and breathe and bring myself back to reality in understanding that we are all equal and that there is no need to try to be or look a certain way for another but to simply be here as oneself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the disappointment go into a low within myself where I became embarrassed for my mistake instead of laughing it off and learning next time to consider my enviroment when taking pictures.

I see, realize and understand that I have the tendency to immediately go into a low or self-sabotaging point within myself when I make a mistake instead of using that opportunity to learn from it. I realize I need to redefine the word MISTAKE for myself.

I commit myself to redefine the word MISTAKE so when I make mistakes it becomes a supprtive point for me instead of a self-sabotgating point.

When and as I see myself make a mistake and go into a low/self sabotage moment for myself, I stop, and breathe and ask myself what do I need to learn from here? and then walk into an understanding/learning of the mistake so I do not make such mistakes again. This will also be supportive for me.

To be continued…

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Day 184: How I Allowed Another’s Words to Influence Me

Continuing from:    Surprise Text

The basic context of one memory I have is where I am nervous/anxious/uncomfortable around X and when I saw them and their mother last year.

This person sits on the couch and I didn’t want to sit by them yet don’t want to leave the room completely, so I sat by the table. I was afraid to leave or else they would make a comment or judge me about it and I would take it personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate within uncertainty about where to sit by not wanting to be too close where I have to be involved in the conversation and yet far away so I don’t appear cold instead of sorting out my problem in the first place: not wanting to be around this certain person

I realize that I have a resistance towards this person, which is why I didn’t want to sit or be near them. I wanted to essentially be cut out of the conversation because I didn’t know what to say and I was sure this person and I really couldn’t discuss anything since we don’t meet eye to eye on many topics. However, I realize they are showing something about me to me, when I react to what I see X is doing, that indicated I exist in that which I reacted in some way or another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncertain as to what to do while in the presence of this person because I have resistance to talk to them because I define who they are negatively and thus don’t want to be around them instead of realizing I am holding onto memories and using them to justify why this person is the way they is thus I have nothing to do with it, instead of realizing my responsibility towards this – that any thought, opinion or judgement I have towards another is what I need to take responsibility for as these things are abusive to life on earth

I realize that no judgement or thought or opinion is harmless – they contribute and support the mind consciousness system that is built on separation and resourcing energy from the physical to feed its existence in self-interest with no consideration of others and it is my participation within the MCS that cause consequences towards life on earth

Why do I fear this person? Oh yes, now I remember, they use to call me names! Yes, they use to call me ‘dork’ a lot…okay, so yes, they use to place judgements on me when I was younger, in my teenage years, online and also in person when I would for example express myself a certain way. I for example took a ‘selfie’ of myself once and there was a trash can full of trash in the background and someone pointed it out and then this person called me a ‘dork’ about it. I define ‘dork’ as someone being gullible and naïve and a bit stupid, like someone who does things without thinking first/considering things first and then the consequence is that this person looks stupid for what they did. When I was called that I would go in a state of negative energy, feeling ‘bad’ for myself.

In the dictionary dork is defined in two ways:
1. Slang. a silly, out-of-touch person who tends to look odd or behave ridiculously around others; a social misfit: If you make me wear that, I’ll look like a total dork! Synonyms: jerk, schmo; nerd, geek.
2. Slang: Vulgar. penis.

It’s interesting how I took another’s words and charged it with energy and defined myself according to what I percived being a ‘dork’ really is. I allowed it to effect who I was on a self-confidence level. I was young and this person was an older adult and I easily accepted/allowed their words and comments to define me.

So cool this point opened up cause I couldn’t understand why I feared this person so much/why I saw myself less than them and I see a part of this was because I had not let go of this point of being called names and judged by them when I was younger. I allowed myself to take that personally since I had no education or skills on how to develop self confidence.

Okay, this will be continued, thanks for reading…

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Day 174: My Friends are Happy but I’m Unhappy

I was around 10, in the car with girls or “my friends” from my class. The girls were being loud in the car, talking. They sounded happy.

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from my friends through defining them as “happy” and me “unhappy” and from this, continue to manipulate myself in charging the negative experience within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my friend’s expressions, my friend’s enjoyment/happiness because I wasn’t enjoying me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not enjoy me with my friends because I did not let the anger go I had from me going to this party I didn’t want to go to

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that I made a mistake and that the result/consequence of me being here at this party I didn’t want to go to was due to my decision and thus I must accept it because I made myself be here and from this acceptance, I either leave or enjoy myself here otherwise I will continue to exist within a negative state of mind/experience and miss out on moments/opportunities where I can have fun and enjoy myself

When and as I see myself judging or defining others as being “happy” and me “unhappy,” I stop, breathe because I realize I am manipulating myself to fuel the negative experience within me where I don’t give myself the opportunity to express, explore, enjoy and expand me in the moment.

Therefore, I commit to assist and support myself to investigate what I am “unhappy” with so that I can find the point and direct it accordingly through self-honesty, common sense and the practical Desteni tools of self-correction/change.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to when I see myself angry about an issue that I had not let go of, to look within the point as to why I haven’t let it go – what is it about this point and the excuses/reasons/justifications that come up that I use to not let this go, and assit and support myself through self-honest writing and self-forgiveness to understand the point and use self-corrective statements and application to let it go. I see, realize and understand that if I do not let the anger go, the energy will over time accumulate and consequentially effect my physical body and health.

I commit myself to learn from my mistakes through understanding how I made them in the first place, by asking who was I when I made this decision I regretted, what did I do/who was involved/what was I thinking/existing within, so that I am clear on what to do next time when I encounter/walk into a similar situation again.

When and as I see myself at a party or event that I am not enjoying myself at, I breathe and investigate how can I assist and support myself here where I can make the best of this moment and enjoy myself. Within consideration of where I’m at and who I am with, I assess for myself whether leaving is the appropriate/best option or if I am not enjoying myself because of internal mind points I use self-supportive tools of self-forgiveness and self-correcting application to assist me in immediate change.

Will continue with more self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements/commitments in the next blog post.

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