Day 211: Health Paranoia

One of the problems I have been having is being distracted by health articles and recipes. I do find myself very drawn to the health field, with tons of health info and recipes on my Facebook feed, all for me to look at and within that is this desire to learn and know everything –all recipes, and health information so I feel complete within, like I know everything, but gosh that is so far from the truth because new information comes in every second online, new recipes, etc, so it is impossible for me to know everything when this world is constantly changing and evolving, so new information inevitably comes forth. I can never be ‘full’ with all information in the world.

So, what I’m looking at here is priorities and what’s important. What’s important is investing time and my life into creating myself and this world into a place best for all. That is what I see as important, as worth, but my problem has been a shift in focus from working on myself to indulging in tons of health info and recipes, because of this desire to learn more, to know more, because there is a fear that I may not know something, like a cure or treatment if I or someone around me were to become sick and then the ‘worst’ happens where they die and I’m left in regret ‘if I had known about this cure…this treatment…’ So there is a fear that there will come a moment where I could have known a fact or a tip on something to cure someone/an illness/health problem but because I didn’t, me or someone in my life falls very ill and/or dies. This I know comes from memories like when I was on antibiotics and very ill and having to find my own way in healing, which I will write about soon.

To continue, some things I can see in relation to health articles I read is, let’s say there is a health article on a herb that can cure vitamin deficiencies. Now I saw this a few days ago and I thought to myself, and recognized in myself I have some vitamin deficiencies, because it has been confirmed by my doctor in the past, so I said let me look at this, and now I know that (according to the article) cumin oil is ‘meant to cure all vitamin deficiences.’ See, so I know that and it makes me feel good to know that, however, am I going to apply this information to my life? No. Why? Because I am not sure how my body will react to the cumin oil and also I am not sure if I have such severe vitamin deficencies I should take this and also because I am unsure taking this without a medical profession’s consent.

So, really, I can see I don’t need to have this information within me if I know I am not going to use it, but what holds me back is WHAT IF I NEED IT, what if I need that info, where me or someone in my life is suffering with severe vitamin definecies and they don’t know what to do, well then I can come in and help them and tell them about cumin oil. Then I feel good because I have given them (what I think) is the answer, but that is only according to ONE ARTICLE, ONE SOURCE of information.

Sure, cumin oil may help, but I haven’t tested it myself, and I haven’t gone through a medical profession for it, so I am using an article’s knowledge and information on it, and I am believing this article without actually cross- referencing with myself, my body and/or a medical profession! So therefore, do I really need to hold onto that info, if I am not a medical profession and/or have never used the cumin oil myself? No, there is no point to hold onto such info.

Looking at this more, if a person with severe vitamin deficiences came up to me asking for help or advice or which direction they should go I would point them in a direction of a medical profession, specifically a homeopath or naturopath because through my own PERSONAL EXPERIENCE I have found these professionals supportive for me and my body, and that is really it, because the knowlegde and info I have gained through reading articles online really is pointless if I have not tested it for me/have not walked the point myself and also am not a medical profession or cross-referenced with one. The best advice I can give to a person in need of physical help is to first check to see if I can provide them with support through my own personal experience and then reccommend they see the above mentioned medical professionals.

Thus then, all that time reading up on health articles, being distracted by such a wealth of health info out there — is any of it actually contributing to me, or is it just becoming a distraction? I can most certainly see it as a distraction because if I genuinely wanted to look something up because I want to find answers/solutions to a problem, I would. Though in my case I had allowed myself to get caught up in a sea of health info, all as a point of distraction from the real thing — working on myself, creating my life, and working on creating a world best for all.

So, the point I am highlighting here that I am aware of in my writing is that I have been distracted by health articles and info because of a deep fear of having me or someone in my life become drastically ill and die and then I am left with regret because I could have known certain health info that could have saved me/them. So when I go on my Facebook news feed I ‘drink up’ as much knowledge and info I can so I can prepare myself for any possible sickness/illness in my life and know the treatments. Thus, I formed a paranoia, a fear, an obsession within wanting to know everything, and ‘I am not satisfied’ until I know all treatments and cures for each health problem and issue so that if me or someone becomes ill/sick I know what to do to ‘save them.’

I will explore memories and walk Self-Forgiveness on points mentioned within this blog in the next posts. Thanks for reading!

 
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Day 198: The word RELAX

Today I am going to begin walking the word RELAX and find how I can practically live this world in my day-to-day living. As I look at the word relax I already think to myself that this is something I can’t do. “I can’t relax” comes up, as well as the old self-definition of that because of my astrological birth chart and having my moon in Gemini it is impossible to relax because such Gemini’s cannot relax – they are always on the move, thinking.

There is also the fear of being able to relax because of this tendency that I have to be up and ready for something. That if I were to relax, that means my guard will be down and I won’t be prepared if something were to come, like for example someone asking me a question and I imagine me being relaxed and not having the answer for the person. So, now I am looking at school, where in school I could not relax because I had to be ‘prepared’ so to speak to give an answer or to speak/participate in class, so the idea of tightening my stomach and ‘being ready’ while in class comes up as well.

In the “real world” where I was working before, it was hard for me to relax because I had to be ready wherever I go, prepared with what I do. So I see relax as being able to let go of all the tension and tightening of the body and completely letting loose of any preparation or readiness that one needs to have to live/exist in the world. So I see it as basically impossible to ‘relax’ in my eyes because I believe I need to be prepared for something/anything every moment of breath. This ties into the system/world we live in today where we constantly are in survival mode – we need to get the money through our jobs or environment to survive/eat/drink/sleep in shelter, so I see it as one cannot relax in this world, one cannot really let their body ‘go,’ one has to ‘be ready and prepared for whatever may come.’ Looking at this, I do realize one can be both relaxed and prepared at the same time, walking through the world system and one’s daily life in such a way.

My current definition of relax is more of an idea or a picture of me completely letting every single tension and tightness within my body go and no longer allowing oneself to go into that point again, and within that I picture me as ‘relaxed’ walking or floating around aimlessly through life smiling, feeling ‘free’ however I can’t take care of myself or work in this world cause I am ‘too relaxed’ – I am not prepared or ready enough to do my work, I have let go of all the worries, concerns and tensions within me. LOL this is definitely an idea I have that I know does not align with reality, so I will walk self-forgiveness in releasing these ideas.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe automatically that relaxing is something I cannot do and use justifications like “it’s not who I am” and my astrological personality prevents me from doing so instead of realizing I can break out of my programming and actually practically live the word relax.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project me not being able to relax because “it’s not who I am,” and within that imagine me all fussy laying down and not being able to let go because all the thoughts and worries are in my mind that I am giving value and attention to and from this, I see, realize and understand that I am holding onto a belief that I cannot shut off my mind and simply be here, breathing and relaxing within myself and my body because of the excuse that the thoughts and worries in my mind are more important and must be given attention and from this I realize that all those thoughts and worries within my mind can be written down on paper so I can see and deal with them all instead of thinking and mulling in my mind about them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify that I cannot relax because I have to always be “up and ready” for something, not realizing that I can still find ways to practically prepare myself in this world and be relaxed within and as my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that I can never relax because of a memory I have been holding onto where I blamed Mrs. P my high school teacher for not leaving me alone when she asked me a question when I didn’t know and stood there waiting for the right answer, pushing me to find it/remember it and I did not know and did not want to really know because I wanted to be ignored and invisible in class, and from there defined this experience as the reason why I can ‘never relax’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I were to be relaxed my guard will be down, meaning my protection and defence mechanisms that are there to ‘prepare’ me for any ‘blows or attacks’ from others behaviours or reactions and from this I realize that allowing myself to relax will assist and support me in being more in ‘tune’ with how my body responds to my thoughts/emotions so I can face and work with what I see and am aware of – thus, being relax will support me in my process of self-awareness

Will continue in the next blog post…

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Day 191: Aversion to Bananas Part 2

Continuing with: Aversion Towards Bananas – Where Did This Come From?!

Points noted down:
-Disgust towards bananas
-Want to gag if they are around/near my mouth
-Backchat: “I don’t want to taste it/eat it” “I’m going to gag” “I don’t want to eat it” “my blood type says I shouldn’t eat it” “my blood results says I’m sensitive to it/my body reacts to it so I shouldn’t eat it”
-Fear/petrified of having to eat it

-Feeling proud of being known in my family for my dislike of bananas (getting attention from mom, for example)
-Enjoyed that attention, cause that’s “Me” it was something I saw special/unique/different than everyone else in my family that I could say is “me”

I asked my mother today if there was any moment in my life where I had a traumatic or dramatic experience with a banana and she said she could not see anything. I will then have to track my father to see next lol.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in disgust when I see a banana without knowing why and from this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question why I don’t like bananas and why I find disgust in them while they are simply a fruit, a food and are eatable yet I cannot put one in my mouth or otherwise will gag

I realize that the banana is a fruit, just like all other foods here on this planet meant to nourish the physical body. It is “harmless” in that it is equal like all other foods here and existing on this planet with me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider the mind‘s influence on the banana where I have given my power away to the mind where it decides for me to react in disgust if I see a banana, smell a banana, or watch someone eat a banana where I don’t know or understand where this reaction came from or the memory that created this aversion towards the fruit

I realize that I had somewhere in my life allowed myself to react every time I see, smell or watch someone eat a banana instead of understanding or knowing why and from this, I realize that I had in someway allowed my mind to take that point or take a memory of me where I had an experience with a banana and use it to its own benefit to make me react whenever I see or am in the prescense of a banana and I have allowed myself to be completly blind and swiped of a memory of knowing what memory is the result of this reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuses “I don’t need to eat it because my blood tests say my body reacts to it” to not try and eat a banana for the first time.

I see, realize and understand I have a fear of eating a banana and I don’t know why. Nothing holds me back from eating a food but me and my reaction to it. I know how to eat, so I am able to eat this banana lol I have to in some way walk through the reaction of wanting to gag from it. Gagging is a physical reaction which means there are uncovered dimensions, dimensions that are result in the gagging reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear reaction towards eating a banana by fearing to gag on the banana and possibly throw up if I were to eat it, and from this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am going to gag or throw up if I eat a banana instead of realizing I have no conscious awareness or recollection of ever gagging or throwing up from a banana so this is eating a banana is new territory for me

I commit myself to continue walking the banana-point in looking to see what can assist me in being able to eat or try a banana within stability

More to come…

https://eqafe.com/i/mmulcrone-childhood-memories-influence-your-current-tastes-life-review

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Day 190: Averison Towards Bananas – Where Did This Come From?!

Tonight I listened to the EQAFE interview: Childhood Memories Influence Your Current Tastes and I looked at how I have always had an aversion or resistance towards bananas and I never knew why. I cannot pinpoint an actual memory, but what comes up when I look at it is a disgust and wanting to gag. I have in the past tried such foods like banana bread, but only because I wanted to see if I could handle it, and I would end up having such an emotional reaction towards it I couldn’t finish it.

The being who was speaking in the interview mentioned how they defined themselves according to this object they didn’t like and justified it was who they were, and I can see that in my own life I have enjoyed being ‘different’ in being the one in my family who doesn’t like bananas and my mother and I use to joke about my dislike for them and made fun of it instead of realizing how I have such a reaction to these fruits without my understanding or awareness as to WHY, thus that shows me I have in some way allowed my mind to take on that point and the memory is so deep within me that it’s not even in my conscious awareness. So I have allowed my mind to take this reaction of resistance/aversion and disgust of bananas and use it to its benefit of generating energy.

Imagining/looking at eating a banana now I physically react by frowning and shutting my mouth. My mouth closes up and I don’t want the fruit to enter my mouth at all. Backchats are “I don’t want to taste it” “I don’t want to eat it” “I’m going to gag.”  Tomorrow I will ask my parents if there was any prominent memories of me having a traumatic or emotional experience eating or being around a banana because this may assist me in understanding where this aversion comes from.

Points noted down:

-Disgust towards bananas

-Want to gag if they are around/near my mouth

-Backchat: “I don’t want to taste it/eat it” “I’m going to gag” “I don’t want to eat it” “my blood type says I shouldn’t eat it” “my blood results says I’m sensitive to it/my body reacts to it so I shouldn’t eat it”

-Fear/petrified of having to eat it

-Feeling proud of being known in my family for my dislike of bananas (getting attention from mom, for example)

-Enjoyed that attention, cause that’s “Me” it was something I saw special/unique/different than everyone else in my family that I could say is “me”

So, I cannot pinpoint or find the memory of where I created/got this aversion in the first place. I will walk Self-Forgiveness on general points in relation to it tomorrow.

https://eqafe.com/i/mmulcrone-childhood-memories-influence-your-current-tastes-life-review

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Day 183: Surprise Text

The other day I received a text message from someone that I haven’t heard from in a while. I stopped talking to them a few years ago after there was some conflict. I was unsure of how to respond to them, so I did what I saw best and was polite and kept the conversation short. Later when I wrote about this out for myself I saw I still hold onto memories and definitions of them and I used these points to justify why I should still cut them out of my life and not talk to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous about texting X back because I was unsure where we stand with each other since I defined and judged the last 4 years with them negatively because I haven’t yet sorted out my issues with them from the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tighten my body with tension and stress in relation to not knowing what to do or say to this person because a part of me doesn’t want to talk to them and wish this communication never started instead of realizing I am holding onto points and memories of me and X that I have not let go of but used to justify why I should still be angry at them and why I should not talk to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never give myself the chance or opportunity to investigate and sort out my issues towards X because I had justified that it was right to be mad, that is was okay to be angry at them instead of realizing how holding onto such points compromises myself and who I am in relation to this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with this person where when I am in their presence or communicating to them I feel uncomfortable and ‘not myself’ but holding back who I am/how I express myself because I fear them doing the things that they did in the past that I have held anger and blame towards.

I realize that I have created a relationship of fear towards X where I fear them and what they are going to say and do to me which comes from memories and definitions I held onto and used to justify why it’s okay to be angry at them and show my disinterest in them/not talk to them and cut them out of my life.

I commit myself to investigate who I am in relation to X and walk the self-supportive process of writing, self-forgiveness and corrective application to understand who I am and change myself in such a way where I no longer hold onto the past of who I was and how I see/defined this person but live free in the moment of/as self-expression

I will continue with this in the next blog…thanks for reading!


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Day 175: Feeling Left Out…Am I the Cause?

Continuing from: Day 174 – My Friend’s Are Happy but I’m Unhappy  with the memory of when I was in a car with girls from my class and feeling left out.  

Within me I experienced what I defined as being “left out” feeling not included and within that sinking in a depression/sadness where it felt like a hole was in my solar plexus.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an emotional experience of feeling left out/excluded when I thought I am left out from what it happening in the car.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an emotional experience of feeling left out/excluded when I saw girls from my class talking, smiling, laughing, having a good time and I was not instead of realizing I am manipulating myself to be in this state, in this experience to justify why I cannot enjoy myself with these girls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate me into believing that I am left out and because of this, there is no point to interact with these people or else I will be excluded and ignored instead of realizing I created the idea that I will be excluded/ignored by these girls because of beliefs I’ve held about me in comparison to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the experience of feeling excluded/left out through not physically participating in my reality, interacting with the girls from my class due to a belief that whatever I will say to them will not be good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I will be excluded and ignored by these girls because in the past I expressed myself/said something and these two girls who I wanted to be friends with exchanged looks with each other to communicate their backchat/judgements about what I said that I took personally in believing and defining who I am and what I said was stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior when my friends looked at each other and made facial expressions where I interpreted what I just said as “stupid” which I made personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel low and sunken within myself, where my stomach felt like it sunk into a hole within me when these two girls who I thought were my friends made facial expressions indicating their distaste/judgement towards what I just said in which I then felt excluded and left out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take other’s facial expressions towards each other about what I said personally through defining what I said as “stupid” for the conversation, and from this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me, who I am, in totality as a being, as “stupid” because two beings made facial expressions in judgements towards what I said. I see, realize and understand that instead of me making a decision of who I am, I allowed others to define who I am according to how they behave/react towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I will say and communicate to the girls in my class will not be good enough/meaningless and from this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project me talking to the girls in my class in the car and they giving each other looks about what I said and not commenting/interacting just like the memory of when two of my friends made facial expressions towards each other. Within this, I see, realize and understand that I took other’s expressions very personally, and this was because I wanted so much to fit in with them in who they were and how they interacted, but obviously, who I was and how I expressed myself was not aligned to them which is why I had a difficult time with them because there were things I didn’t like and agreed with in terms of what they talked about and did, yet because they were popular and sociable and were girls who talked to me, I felt compelled to be their friend for fear of not having any friends and possibly being made fun of by these girls. I had placed myself inferior to them, seeing me less than them, as not good enough instead of building self-esteem within me of understanding who I am, what I will participate in, and what I accept and allow in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try so hard to fit in with a group of girls, despite not enjoying myself with them and not enjoing what they talked about and how they existed/acted because I had no other friend’s to hang out with and I didn’t want to be alone.

So the point of fearing to be alone was quite big in fifth grade where I compromised myself and went through an emotional ordeal in relation to keeping friendships which may be where my insecurity towards others started. Then there was the eventual end of that particular friendship I tried to hold onto/maintain and feeling the devastation of that end which I allowed to effect me for the next 5-6 years of school which I will walk in the future blog posts to come.

Self Corrective Statements and Commitments will be in the next blog post. Thanks for reading!

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Day 170: Why Am I So Tired When I Hang out with Friends? Part 2

My problem I am facing is not wanting to walk this point of understanding why I get so tired when I’m around this friend, S, of mine. I identified a part of it is because I am insecure about sharing what I see and know to my friend, being open and honest about me, and I must ask myself, well then, why am I still friends with her if I am unable to be myself? To express myself?

From what I understand through an Atlantean interview I listened to, tiredness can be a result of stress, fear and/or anxiety. This makes sense to me because when I am with my friend, S, I do see myself go into these reactions.

One fear that comes up is that if I were to talk/by myself we would have nothing in common and that our values would clash. This is so because what pops up is how she’s into sports and alcohol, and I’m not, but this defines her in limitation because we do have many things in common actually. What I want to do for myself, is next time when I hang out with her, to speak up more, within consideration of my friend/her mind/process and see where it takes me, because otherwise, if I suppress myself or believe that I shouldn’t speak of something for in fear of getting into conflict or having me and my friend ‘clash’ I am compromising myself, suppressing myself, and allowing my fears to ‘win.’

I see I am afraid of the conflict or reactions or the uncomfortable feelings/reactions I would experience if I were to be open and honest about me to my friend. What I will do for myself is to write out a list of the fears I have, identify memories, and then walk self-forgiveness on these fears.


Fears & Memories:

1) Afraid that what I share, specifically points of the world/humanity will be criticized/disagreed with (memory of my sister in the car comes up, memory of me in the car with C and thinking my friend isn’t interested in what I’m talking about and feeling insecure)

2) Afraid of her rejecting me as a friend/not wanting to hang out with me anymore because “we’ve had a long friendship” and “she is the only friend I have.”

These and more points I will walk within the next blog posts sharing my Self-Forgiveness and Self-Realizations. In the meantime, take a listen to this interview below:

https://eqafe.com/p/friends-and-memories-quantum-systemization-part-34

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