Day 173: Feeling Left out With Friends

Man thinking on a train journey.
Man thinking on a train journey. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Continuing from:
Day 172: Going to a Party You Don’t Want to Go To

I am taking this memory apart and exposing points/patterns I accepted and allowed myself to exist in:

I was around 10, in the car with girls or “my friends” from my class. The girls were being loud in the car, talking. 
They sounded happy. I in my mind projected myself separate from them in the car, with me being a distance away from them while in reality I was tightly shoved by the window next to my friend

  • Idea/Belief to be separate from the girls due to an Experience that feels as if I am in fact separate from the girls as what they show/embody in their expression which in this case was ‘happiness’.
  • Accepting and allowing me to be, see and define me as separate from Happiness itself.
Within me I experienced what I defined as being “left out” feeling not included and within that sinking in a depression/sadness where it felt like a hole was in my solar plexus. 
  • Accepting and allowing me/Self to go into depression/sadness when/if I am is not part of something or believes to not be part of something.
  • Defining me and my experience according to being or not being ‘part’ of something.
  • Belief that something is wrong/flawed with me if I am not included/part of something (like the girls conversation and laughter) -> thus Self-Image, Self-Belief and Self-Acceptance Issues.
I then started thinking how I want to go home, be home, I wish I didn’t come, why did I come, I didn’t want to come… manipulating myself within this. 
  • Regret and Anger at myself for compromising me to go to the party while I did not really wanted to go and would have preferred to be somewhere else and do something else.
  • Backchat with where I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate me to continue existing within the experience of separation from happiness that was observed within the other girls instead of realizing that happiness is a living word that Self can live alone as for example enjoying me in mys body or in the presence/company of others, even simple things such as enjoying the air I breathe in and out and / or the scenery of my Physical Surrounding.
  • Accepting and allowing me to through the mind with backchat manipulate me into remain existing within this experience of depression and sadness due to the belief/acceptance that I am Separate from the characteristics/properties that the girls in the car represented which was happiness or a point of ‘belonging’/’being part of the group/’.
I longed to go home, and within that, felt the same way like who I was on the first day of school. I started to tear up and this was comforting as I tuned the outside noise around me and indulged within the crying.
  • Experience of Powerlessness and Helplessness and crying with regards to what I was experiencing, instead of seeing and realizing that I was just really accepting and allowing self to see/define/believe/accept me to be Separate from what was going on/the Moment(s) and characteristics that the girls were portraying/showing/resonating to/according to how I perceived the characteristics/moments of the girls interacting/talking with each other and laughing – and that the solution is as simple as forgiving me for separating myself from Happiness and whatever Characteristics I see/define myself to be separate from that the girls represented with their laughter and conversations. 
  • I did not realize that I was not really powerless and helpless but simply not accepting and allowing myself to embrace me as Happiness/Self-Enjoyment here and all the Characteristics that I believed/felt like I was lacking/not having that the girls were representing with their laughter and conversations and interactions with each other.
It was then my friend asked in what I perceived to be in a mean, criticizing voice: “are you crying?” I said no, thought about all the girls looking at me, waiting for my response so that they can jump onto judgements with their glances with each other. I felt embarrassed from all of this. I was caught from crying to where I perceived/thought I was seen like a baby, a wimp, and now all eyes are on me.

  • Fear of Humiliation/Being Humiliated by others
  • Fear of the opinion and judgement of others. 
  • Me being dependent on how others see, define and feel about me.
  • Accepting and allowing me to judge me as a wimp and baby for the act of crying or not feeling well emotionally and what I was experiencing due to all the things that were going on within my mind.
  • Fear of being vulnerable and other people being able to see that I am not feeling well.
  • Self-Accepted and allowed Self-Belief that if I cry or do not feel well emotionally/feeling-wise that that means that I am Inferior for Real, while that is not so at all but just a Self-Belief.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project me being physically  seperate from from my friends, placing them on one side and me being at the other, when in reality I was literally sitting next to them, sharing the same space with them, not realizing how I was manipulating myself into believing and perpetuating the idea that I am so separate from my friends.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from being here in the car, being here with my friends through participating and indulging in the mind of thoughts and ideas of being left out.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that in order to be included in the group I must act/participate and not expect others to make me feel/be included.  I see that in order to be included within the group I must participate in the group. Within this, I see I existed in self-interest within this desire of being included within the group without having to be equal to everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate the idea and belief that I am being left out by physically representing this belief by turning my body away from my friends and not participating in the conversation, physically indicating that I don’t want to be involved with what’s going on.
So I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see how I am responsible for being left out of the group through first believing it so within my mind and then through my body language of turning away from my friends, crossing my arms and looking out the windowinstead of testing it out in fact by interacting/participating in reality.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to change my body language of dropping my arms, turning my body toward my friends to challenge the idea I created that I am being left out. I realize that within my mind I had been whining and manipulating myself into believing that I am left out, while all the while I was the one responsible for leaving myself out of the conversation/interaction with girls through my own body language and perceptions according to my mind.
Will continue in the next post…

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Day 156: The Fear of Flying – Projecting Failure during Take Off

Continuing from: Day 155 – Fear of Flying – Allowing My Imagination Get to Me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that if I continue to participate in thoughts and projections, they will continue until I stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear before getting on a plane instead of supporting myself to write down the prominent thoughts/fears/projections or walk self-forgiveness within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project the air plane’s engines failing in mid-air during take-off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear when I projected the air plane’s engine failing in mid-air while taking off. From this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear towards a projection, an idea, an illusion within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my air plane to taking off and then stopping mid-air because it’s engines failed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my fear of the plane’s engine failing when taking off will manifest if I watch a plane take off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn my head away after I projected the air plane’s engines failing mid-way in the sky within and from my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn my head away in fear because I believed that if I were to watch the air plane take-off, its engines will fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I watch the plane take off and its engine fail, then my air plane’s engines will fail too when taking off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself within/as fear by believing that if I were to watch a plane take off, my fear will manifest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I turn around/away from my fear, my fear will go away instead of realizing it is only through facing and understanding the fear that I am able to let it go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I turn away from my fear my fear will not happen . From this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear manifesting/coming to life, thus showing me that I fear my own fear.

I see that I cannot control the plane and I am scared/nervous/uneasy/anxious that I am not in control of the air plane because I don’t know what is going on while flying, like for example during turbulence. I want to make sure everything is okay and how long the turbulence will be, when will it be over, as well as any weather points/problems, and to even want to see and assist with the landing. You basically have to trust the pilot and the air plane, and within that, it gives me the most anxiety because I am basically putting my life in their hands. So there is a fear of wanting to be in control of the air plane and also of avoiding anything can threaten my life, but in reality, I cannot and am not able to control/direct an air plane, I am not a pilot, I have to find solutions on how I can be okay/stable sitting in an air plane as the pilots and air plane staff do their job.

When and as I see myself becoming scared before I take off in a plane, I stop and breathe and see whether: I have the opportunity to write down any fears I have in my notebook/computer, or simply speak self-forgiveness within as I focus on breathing and stopping participation in thoughts because I realize the more I allow myself to participate in thoughts, the more energy as fear and thoughts I generate, causing friction and conflict with me and my body.

When and as I see myself watch an air plane take off and project the engines failing and then going into fear, I stop, I breathe and I forgive myself of the fear because I realize it is only a projection/imagination coming from a deeper fear that I am currently walking/investigating for myself about flying. I realize that the projection comes from images I have seen on TV/movies and thus, are not real, but an idea I believed to be real instead of asking myself what is real. I realize that what is real is what is going on in this physical reality, so I allow myself to watch the air plane take off as it really is happening and breathe here.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to face and understand each fear I have within me through self-honest writing and self-forgiveness and find a solution through writing, common sense and self-corrective/commitment statements to let it go.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to find all the memories, beliefs and ideas I have related to flying/air planes that connect to my fear of flying and from this, assist and support myself through self-honest writing, investigation and self-forgiveness to understand this fear, let it go and script a living correction for myself.

I commit myself to investigate the paranoia and fear of not being in control of myself and my life when I for example, am on an air plane.

More to come…

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Day 155: Fear of Flying: Allowing my Imagination Get to Me

Continuation from: The Fear of Flying

(In relation to when I watched a plane take off in an airport) What I see is that I am reacting to the imaginations and projections that come up within me as I for example, watch an airplane take off. One imagination that I reacted to was the airplane takes off and then the engines start failing and from this I physically turned my head away as if it’s going to happen in real life and I am shielding myself from seeing it. Here, I see that I physically changed my behavior after the projection – acting as if what my mind showed me is real.

Now, why did I not stop myself from this imagination and just watch the airplane take off?

First of all, I was scared to begin with on flying on a plane because I already had a pre-existing fear of death/fear of dying in an airplane crash so because I did not clear this fear, the imaginations and backchat came up and started ‘haunting’ me basically, and I started to become really paranoid.

I did not stop myself from this imagination because I didn’t know how to – I have not prepared myself effectively to stand up to this fear and imagination and stop it. I instead succumb/gave into the fear by going into fear of seeing the airplane fail and turning away. I also saw within this is that I am afraid if I see an airplane crash, my airplane might crash, so if I look away, the plane won’t crash and my plane won’t crash..I remember looking at the plane, then thinking it’s going to crash, then going into fear with my solar plexus tightening, then looking away in aversion.

Now, where did I get this idea? What I see within this is the point of ‘jinx’ where I believe I am tempting fate, I can make something happen if I think about it – like for example, I was afraid that if I were to watch the airplane take off in the sky, it will crash. I had such a fear of that happening, believing my idea will come true, that I looked away because I was scared to see it happen. “If you don’t look, it won’t happen,” type of thing. But – looking at all of this – who told me that it’s going to crash? I allowed myself to be manipulated with this point. I have given my power to the mind and I allowed the mind’s imagination in relation to plane taking off to control me to such an extent I physically moved my head away from the scene as if what my mind showed me was real.

Therefore, the relationship I have here with my mind needs to be changed to where I am in control of myself as my mind, where I am stable and can direct myself no matter what the mind throws at me, so that I stand equal to it, look at it, understand where it’s coming from and find a way to direct myself as the mind into a common sense solution.

Self Forgiveness Statements and Self Corrective Statements to follow…

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Day 154: The Fear of Flying

I am going to be walking a specific point, and that is the fear of flying. While flying on two planes yesterday, I became aware of the increased level of fear and anxiety I experienced on these planes that I’ve never experienced before, so when I finally settled at my location I took out my notebook and just wrote. I wrote the most prominent memories, imaginations, and thoughts and fears that came out in relation to flying. What I saw within my writings is that I am holding onto a lot of memories from TV, movies, and stuff I’ve heard other people say about flying and airplanes that I allowed myself to be manipulated in fear with. Within all of this I saw the extent of points in relation to fear of flying to take on, so I will be walking this fear in my coming blogs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the information that the most dangerous time of being in an airplane is during take off and landing to manipulate myself to feed on my fear of flying that exists within me and my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from the information I’ve heard that taking off and landing are the most dangerous times of a flight think that somehow something is going to happen to me that will threaten my life when I’m on the plane.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in a plane while it’s taking off.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear something wrong to happen while the plane is taking off. What I see is “wrong” during take-off is the airplane wing for example to break off because of the high winds it has to fly into. So this is a thought and imagination I have within this point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the airplane wing breaking off because of high winds while the plane is going into the sky because I imagined this within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself by imagining the airplane wing breaking off during take-off to feed my fear of flying even more. Within this, I see, realize and understand that by participating within this imagination will only increase, feed and support this fear instead of stabilizing myself within my mind in my process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the memory of the news story of an airplane landing in the Hudson River because birds got in the way of the engines, causing the plane to stop working and go down to manipulate myself to fear the taking off process of flying. I realize that I am using a real event to reason with myself why I should fear the taking off process while flying.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look away when I saw an airplane taking off at the airport because I was afraid to see it not make it in the sky.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to project the plane rocking side to side and eventually falling, as if it’s a toy plane.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself to go into fear by projecting the real-time aircraft wavering side to side in the sky.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn away from watching the airplane take off at the airport because I feared to see my projection/imagination/fear happen.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear watching an actual plane take off but suddenly the engines stop and the plane falls through the sky and crash on the ground.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself through imagining a plane taking off and then falling and crashing because the engines died to feed the fear of flying existent within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my participation and my trust into my imagination instead of realizing it’s an illusion I am believing is real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear watching a plane crash before my eyes because I am not sure how to handle myself when I see it. I see, realize and understand I require to do more writing and research with my inner world to understand it and learn how to direct/handle my inner world experiences when things/points in my external world come up/trigger/manifest.

More to come…

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Day 90: Keeping Quiet as Manipulation Technique Part 4

Continuation from:

Looking at the memory, I will walk some Self-Forgiveness on the following points:

Going into self pity and quietness, expecting to gain attention from another by manipulating another to feel bad for me so I could get what I want – which was to get specific attention from them.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become quiet as a deliberate manipulation tactic to get another’s attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut down within myself when I perceived another was not giving me the attention I wanted and from there, decided to become quiet and give into the experience of self-pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in self-interest by wanting to gain attention from another by deliberately becoming quiet instead of actually SPEAKING UP and expressing myself to another as I realize I would like another speak up and express themselves to me too.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to consider another as me in that I would not want another to deliberately become quiet as a way to manipulate me in giving them attention instead of actually speaking up and talking to me about what’s going on with them / what’s bothering them. From this -I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I wouldn’t want to another to manipulate me like that in order to get their way and fulfill their desire as a point of self-interest of abuse –  not considering the consequences of their actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use quietness as a manipulation tactic to get what I want instead of considering the consequences that if I accept and allow such a pattern to exist within me I allow others to exist within the same pattern too and abuse / manipulate others just to fulfill their desires.

We as humans have been doing nothing but seeking the next positive experience or happiness fix – anything to make us feel good, and along the way have been abusing each other simply to fulfill our own desires based in self-interest without considering others in this world.  We live in a world of competition, survival, abuse and separation – what a ugly world we live in. There is a solution though: Desteni.org and EqualMoney.org

Self-Commitment Statements:

I commit myself to stop the manipulation game of deliberately becoming quiet as a means to gain attention from another but to instead actually SPEAK UP so that I don’t sabotage moments and communication with another.

From here – I commit myself to utilize the tools of writing, self forgiveness, self corrective application and self honesty to investigate / look into where in my life do I shut down and become quiet as a result of external triggers which leads me to suppressing myself and sabotaging moments of opportunity where I can really expand and express myself.

I commit myself to become aware of and investigate those selfish, self-interest desires that I see do not serve me and others and walk myself into corrective application through the Desteni tools of writing, self-honesty, and self-forgiveness.

More to come…

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Day 89: Keeping Quiet as Manipulation Technique Part III

Continuation from:

Day 88 Keeping Quiet as Manipulation Technique Part II – Trigger Point

The writing I will be walking Self-Forgivenesson:


Then I allowed myself to go into this emotional experience of self-pity / feeling sorry for myself in which I became deliberately quiet (my behavior) throughout the conversation. As I continued to be quiet, I expected the person to become aware of this unusual quietness and ask me what’s wrong or going on.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have acceptedand allowed myself to go into self-pity by allowinga person’s voicetonality to trigger the backchat of “I’m being ignored” “they are being mean to me” and “they dislike me.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel victimized by another due to how I interpreted their voicetonality as being mean, they dislike me and that they are ignoring me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become become quiet as an accepted behavior when I perceived another was ignoring me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulateanother to give me attention by keeping quiet and hopingthat they will speakup and ask me what’s wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly desire getting attention from another and having them ask me what’s wrong, instead of realizing that the desire in my head does not consider common sense and all points in physical reality and from this – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect the person to give me attention and ask me what’s wrong instead of realizing that they can’t read my mindso how could they know what I wanted them to do?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuseanother as me by manipulating them with my quiet behavior so I could get the attention I secretly desiredas self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in self-interest of wanting another to give me the attention by deliberately becoming quiet as a manipulationtechnique to gain their attention so I can fufill my desire.

I will walk more Self-Forgiveness in blog posts to come and facing the original memory I have in connection to this manipulative behavior. Then – once I’m all clear, will write Self-Corrective Statements and Self-Commitment Statements.




Day 88: Keeping Quiet as Manipulation Technique Part II – Trigger Point

Continuation from Day 87 Keeping Quiet as Manipulation Technique:

Here I am dissecting the first paragraph of the previous blog post:

Today I was talking with someone and perceived that I was being ignored and disregarded by them. From there I went into this thought “They’re ignoring me…” and allowed myself to go into self-pity and remain quiet while they continued to talk and I was expecting them to eventually ask me if I was okay because I was so quiet, and here I see I went into this mode of quietness as a manipulation tactic to get them to pay attention to me and ask me if everything is okay.

I see the trigger for me to become quiet like this started from the person’s voice tonality in which I perceived that they were being mean to me. From this I had backchat of “they’re being mean to me” “they don’t like me” and “they are ignoring me.” Then I allowed myself to go into this emotional experience of self-pity / feeling sorry for myself in which I became deliberately quiet (my behavior) throughout the conversation. As I continued to be quiet, I expected the person to become aware of this unusual quietness and ask me what’s wrong or going on. However, I did not get that – they didn’t ask me why I was being quiet and / or what’s wrong, and this bothered me, so then I eventually spoke up about it, but did so in a reaction of annoyance of “aren’t you going to ask me if I’m okay?”

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed another’s voice tonality to trigger the backchat of “they’re being mean to me” and “they don’t like me” “they’re ignoring me”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchats of “they’re being mean to me”, “they don’t like me” and “they’re ignoring me” to direct me into feeling sorry for myself as self-pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience self-pity when I participated in the backchat of “they’re being mean to me”, “they don’t like me” and “they’re ignoring me” instead of realizing that I have the ability to just breathe and establish who I want to be and what I accept and allow in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically give into experiencing self-pity by believing that that this is how I should experience myself when I participated in the backchat of “they’re being mean to me” “they don’t like me” and “they’re ignoring me.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat “they’re being mean to me” “they don’t like me” and “they’re ignoring me” to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my backchat of “they’re being mean to me” “they don’t like me” and “they’re ignoring me” and allow it to define who I am and how I experience myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take another’s voice tone personally and from this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed another’s voice tonality to influence who I am and how I experience myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and how I experience myself according to how another reacts or talks to me and from this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that no one can make me experience or feel a certain way without my consent, my decision, my acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am and how I experience myself through allowing backchat from my Mind and external / outside forces as other people to influence who I am and how I experience myself instead of becoming self-directive principle and making decisions of who I am and what will or will not accept and allow to exist within me.

More Self-Forgiveness to come… 

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