Day 216: Resistance to Letting Go of Stress

Continuation from:
The Fear that Drives my Stress in Work

So today I saw I was stressed, and within me I saw that I should walk forgiveness, and that I can walk forgiveness on this point, but then this belief backchat of ”it’s not going to work,” comes up followed with an experience/feeling of not wanting to do it, because I projected me doing it/saying the SF and it not completely working, and I have believed it, and I know that I am not honest and genuine within saying SF because I saw I was in the emotional experience and I knew that to get me out of the emotional experience to say SF but I didn’t want to, I had resistance. I didn’t see there to be a point to walk the SF. I saw it as an obligatory thing to do.

If I look at it, if I were to walk SF within the experience I would not want to because I would want to stay in that stress-experience of working because I think and believe it keeps me alert and going. I am afraid to lose my ability to work and to get things done to the best of my ability without this stress. So that is why I didn’t want to walk SF.

So my relationship to me with SF is misaligned. Looking at who I am within that stress experience, I like being in that state because I feel like I am working hard, it gives me or makes me feel like I have purpose with being so determined and working within what I do. I don’t want to let that experience go because I am afraid I will not be able to work as much or with that determination and focus as before. I project that with walking SF on the stress, I have an idea/expectation that it will all go away and thus I will be so relaxed and calm I will not have that determination, stress and focus within getting the job done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I ”should” walk self-forgiveness when I see myself stressed instead of realizing that self-forgiveness is a decision I make within the moment where I don’t allow myself to tell me what I should or should not do but simply make the decision and agreement within myself to DO/WALK self forgiveness whenever an emotional reaction comes up within me WITHOUT expectations or ideas about what MAY HAPPEN when I walk self forgiveness because I realize that self forgiveness is an unraveling where I will discover or find insights, realizations and/or solutions that wouldn’t come forth if I stayed within an emotional state, so thus it is essential to simply allow myself to when I say/speak self-forgiveness to do it within the starting point of forgiving myself of accepting and allowing myself to participate and become equal and one to an energy/mind consciousness point instead of standing equal and one to the physical, as Life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand equal and one to my decisions within becoming and acting and living the real process of forgiving myself whenever an emotion or feeling as consciousness comes up

I commit myself to realign myself with self-forgiveness, where self-forgiveness becomes a part of me and my every day life and living so that whenever an emotional/feeling reaction or movement comes up within me I act immediately within correction of forgiving myself of the energetic experience, so I realize that to become and live self-forgiveness absolutely takes practice and consistency

I commit myself to start now in this moment, practice acting in the moment whenever an emotion/feeling or energetic experience comes up within me, that I forgive myself without expectations or ideas or projections of what may come or how I may feel after – to such ideas go and stay here in the moment and trust myself that the insights, realizations and solutions will come the more I become self-honest with myself in the moment, forgiving myself in becoming the mind consciousness point existent within me and realign myself back to earth/physical

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I have allowed myself to create a personality within myself where I ”tell” myself what I should or should not do according to waking my process instead of becoming the directive principle of BECOMING the decision of immediately walking the correction process of forgiving myself when I am stressed

I commit myself to identify, bring up, unravel and change this process-personality of telling myself what I should or should not do within walking process through self-honest writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application and to align myself into walking this process in self-honesty, without polarity of ”should and should nots”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear forgiving myself and letting go of the stress when I am stressed because I am afraid that if I let go of the stress then I won’t be able to be so determined and focus as I usually am when I am working hard and from this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not re-define the words ”Determined” and ”Focused” so I may live these words in my life without the stress or energetic/consciousness influence within my work

I commit myself to redefine for me the words ”Determined” and ”Focused” so I may live these words within my work/the work that I do

I realize that self-forgiveness will not assist me if my starting point to begin with is misaligned where who I am is not willing to forgive because I don’t want to forgive because I am holding onto a point or idea, where I don’t want to let go of it because I am afraid of losing a part of that stress, that is who I am within my work

I commit myself to understand this fear of not letting go of the stress through self-honest writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and give in to the thought that self-forgiveness is not going to work, creating a resistance or experience within me where I do not want to walk self-forgiveness, because I realize if I really do believe and think that I am this thought of ”self-forgiveness is not going to work” I am actually going to create a resistance or wall for myself towards walking self-forgiveness, thus I see, realize and understand that I am creating the actual resistance to walking self-forgiveness while I’m stressed by saying to myself – and believing to myself– ”self forgiveness is not going to work, ” so essentially trapping myself in this belief

So within this, I realize a few points: One is that if who I am is within the starting point of not wanting to walk self-forgiveness or release the point of stress within me, self-forgiveness is not going to work and I am not going to walk it. Then, when I give in, believe, become, and participate in the thought ”self forgiveness is not going to work” I am actually creating that resistance to self-forgiveness the more I say, think and believe it and from that, not want to walk self-forgiveness. SO, I am really the creator of my own experiences.

When and as I see myself say to myself or think ”self-forgiveness is not going to work” I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in the thought because I realize I do not want to give in and become this thought or else I will create a wall of resistance where I will not want to walk self-forgiveness, where the process to walk self-forgiveness will become harder the more I give in, participate and believe in such a thought, so I commit myself to stop, breathe and not allow myself to give or participate in the thought but instead ”Catch” this point for myself where the mind is trying to grab my attention to become this thought so I can remain trap and not release myself from the mind

More on this to come, thanks for reading!

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Day 215: The Fear that Drives My Stress in Work

I am working on a project currently and my stress levels have been very high. Who I am within and walking this project has been stressed, and I see it beneficial to actually write out the problem so I can find a solution for myself. I do see that it is a personality pattern I’m holding onto and existing as, but it needs to be deprogrammed because it is causing stress within me and my body where my breathing becomes shallow, my chest constricts and I pressure myself into expectations of what needs to be done within a certain period of time instead of actually walking this project step by step, stopping projections and just being here.

This requires me to re-define and walk the word PATIENCE as well as understanding this personality-system more. So let me start.

I react in fear towards the idea that this project needs to be completed today, but this is actually irrational because this project is large and thus requires a lot of time to build. Then I have this idea that I cannot relax, I need to be stressed about this because I’m afraid if I relax my job will not be completed to the level or extent I think/believe it would be if I were stressed. This comes from an idea of when I was in school around middle school age when I would work for hours on a school project, constantly focused and in a state of stress and really thinking that that is what drives me to do my best. One example is that in high school during lunch I realized a paper for Spanish class was due next class so within the 45 minutes I had I typed up a complete paper and got an A on it. So from there I thought and believed that I can do good on these projects IF I remain in a certain state of mind, which in my case, is a particular form of STRESS.

The stress is specific. It is like a constant focus, a drive within that comes from a fear, fear of losing out, and I do not let me take a break unless it’s bathroom or food, but I am in a ‘zone’ or state of mind where I am driven by this fear and push as this stress to do my best work.

This way of working, while stressed, can really push an individual to do many things, however, the stress and pressure from the mind involved in the body is not supportive. So how can I create a relationship to the work I do to make it stress-free and also do my best work without that energy of fear? I first need to de-program this point, so here is Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear towards the idea that my project needs to be completed today because of the fear that if it isn’t than someone else’s project similar to mine might come into manifestation/fruition and be better

When and as I see myself react in fear to the idea that I must finish my project today/soon, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in the fear because I realize that this project needs to be walked step by step and will be built through time to become a project with my work imvolved, thus I realize this project will take time and will not be done in a day or week, but will take an accumulation of days and work for it to be substantial

I commit myself to walk this project step by step, one point at a time, breathing through and letting go/forgiving any fears or ideas that come up towards this point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear another’s project may be ‘better’ than mine because I fear losing out in having more attention, fame, and money instead of realizing my starting point is more geared towards self-interest instead of genuine intent of doing this project for me in assisting and supporting me to expand within who I am and what I do

When ans as I see myself go into fearing another’s project to be or eventually become better than mine, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back to the reason why I started this project, that it is a project I want to do for me and others to better assist those in the country I am living in, thus I commit myself to forgive/let go of desires of my project becoming the best because I realize then my whole starting point is in competition/fear and not genuine support, so I commit to practice sticking to my starting point of doing this project for/as me instead of others/in separation of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire so much to be famous and to have a lot of money with my project so I can feel comfortable and safe with my life, knowing that I have enough money to buy whatever I may need to fit my needs and desires so I don’t live a life in fear and survival

When and as I see myself desire to be famous and to have enough money to live comfortably, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in the desire as I realize it is coming from a fear of survival, so I commit myself to remind myself of my financial stability/that I have all I need and to stop allowing myself to go off in thoughts of worry and fear of not being able to make enough or have enough money since I see I do have enough to live comfortably at this stage

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I need to move fast with this project or else I won’t be able to gain the attention and possible profit I may get if I were to be slow with it or not get it by the end of the week instead of realizing that I fear losing money and oppurtunites that ‘could have been’ if I have just gotten them done sooner

When and as I see myself desire to move FAST because I fear losing out on an opportunity that can bring me wealth and/or fame, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in this fear because I realize it is a program to keep me in a continuous state of stress and I realize that does not help me or my body, so I commit myself to simply work on the project for/as me in self-enjoyment and expansion and embrace any oppurtunites that may come, not think or wish about them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear finding out that my project is not good enough or not completed in enough time because another has created an even better project than me and recieves the attention, fame and money that I have wanted with this and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing out on an opportunity of attention, fame and money

When and as I see myself fear or project another having or creating a better project than me and receiving more attention/fame/money than me, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in fear or projections of this point since I realize they do nothing but drive me into stress and competition, so from this I commit myself to stop giving in or feeding into projections or fears of someone doing a better job on the project than me and focus on this project is assisting and supporting myself to expand in my skills and awareness

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration the many other individuals involved with similar projects as me, many of them coming before me and already having successful projects publicly available and praised and within this I see a desire is existent within me where I want to be at the ‘top’ so I am the ‘best’ because I want to feel ‘safe’ with where I’m at in terms of financial stability

I commit myself to remain humble within my project-process by focusing on expanding my skills

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myslf to see, realize and understand how I exist within a fear of losing money or not having enough money and fearing that the money I ask to borrow or recieve from another will go away

I commit myself to investigate the fear of losing money, not having enough money and fearing the money I ask to borrow from or receive will go away through self-honesty, writing and self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to a memory where I waited in line for several hours to buy concert tickets with a huge desire and stress to getting really good seats only to realize after waiting in line so long they don’t take credit card so I had to go to the machine and take out cash, thus losing my opportunity to get good seats at the concert I really wanted to go to and having to wait back in line again and then finding out they only had lawn seats available, and within this —

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so angry, incredibly angry at not getting what I wanted because of not having the information or knowledge that the box office only accepts cash because I was stressed to begin with seeing all the people in line, and even projecting and imagining all the other girls my age standing in line for tickets and how it is such a competition to get good seats and how it’s ‘not fair’ I couldn’t get good seats after waiting in line for so long and wanting so badly to get good seats so I could be close to my favorite singer. I see, realize and understand that because I lost my oppurtunity to be ‘first’ and get really good seats compared to other girls, I really reacted in anger because my whole starting point was to be first so I could get the best seat, and within this I see, realize and understand I had been angry over the fact I was stressing out over something beyond my control in that I cannot have my desires manifest the way I want them to, I must take reality into consideration and that thousands of girls were probably in my situation, wanting the best seat at the concert and waiting several hours in line to get them, so even if I were first or in the beginning of the line does not mean I will get better seats than other girls around the country also in lines. I realize that this entire world system lives and breathes competition, it is what we have programmed ourselves in because of FEAR of LOSING OUT/MISSING OUT/NOT SURVIVING

I commit myself to understand and find solutions to stopping the competition that exists within me since I realize it comes from fears of losing out/missing out/survival and thus I allow it to drive me into stress and acting out in certain ways towards my work and what I do.

I also see, realize and understand there is a drive within me of COMPETITION, of wanting to be the BEST and getting to things FIRST, because if you are FIRST you are the BEST and at THE TOP. So, I can see this drive and stress within is from competition, wanting to have the best project, fearing to lose out on opportunities.

Funny how I associate being competitive to being a male, so not wanting to acknowledge or identify within myself this ‘competitive streak’ within me of wanting to be the best/be at the top. Fascinating this opened up!

More to be continued. Thanks for reading.

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Day 131: Beating Myself Up for Mistakes

While talking to my partner I realized a part of me is afraid to resume/return to my old job because I would have to work with a new group of people and I am not sure what that’s going to be like and how they’re going to be and how the work will be like, and then who am I going to be with them? This makes me go into an uneasy experience where I am feeling uncertain about myself and job ahead, and also there is this fear of being humiliated and embarrassed by being in this new work environment and making mistakes and me thinking I’m going to look like a fool and afraid to be judged by others, I mean, this type of stuff is unnecessary to worry about and only ego-stuff of wanting to look/be a certain way. A lot of unnecessary worrying about the social-aspect of the job instead of doing the job at the best of my ability.  I don’t know what to really expect, except that I am aware of the job but not the specific tasks. The anxiety within it is really unnecessary and only a problem that keeps me in a state of fear and unnecessary worry and really unnecessary energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become worried of returning to my old job because I have to work with a new group of people and given new tasks within my job that I’m unaware of currently.

I forgive myself that  I have accepted and allowed myself to fear working with a new group of people and getting new tasks because I don’t know what they’re going to be like and what duties I have to perform in the job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear recieveing/getting new tasks assigned that I don’t know what/how they’re going to be like because it makes me feel nervous and stressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous and stressed for/when I’m not sure of what the tasks will be like because I’m afraid I won’t be able to do the tasks well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and think that I won’t be able to do a task well when/as it’s assigned to me because I judge myself as not being smart and/or confident enough to handle/perform the tasks well – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that confidence and intellect are physical properties that can be worked/developed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being smart and/or confident within myself with handling/performing new tasks within my job because of a memory of not having done well in teaching/understanding a particular subject within my work and I reacted in embarassment – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I’ve been using several memories of the past of when I didn’t do well at work and felt embarassed and use these memories against myself to bring myself down and make myself believe that I won’t be able to do a task well or when I face myself in the subject.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use memories of past failures of me teaching/helping a subject to others aganst myself to make me feel bad about myself because I always did that within my life – beating me up with my past mistakes instead of forgiving myself of my mistakes, and learn from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always throughout my life have beaten myself up for past mistakes and even up to today do so instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is a pattern that I’ve been existing in and as that I don’t understand yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist supporting myself/applying self-forgiveness/letting go of my past mistakes and the fear of making a mistake/getting new tasks assigned because I’ve for most of my life existed within a pattern where I would beat myself up from my mistakes instead of forgiving myself and learning from them so I don’t repeat the same mistakes again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist applying self-forgiveness/letting go of my past mistakes and the fear of getting a new tasks assigned for my job because I believe that I cannot – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is a belief.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot let go/apply self-forgiveness of my past mistakes and the fear towards getting new tasks assigned for my job – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is just a belief I created through using memories of past mistakes against myself as a pattern — creating my current experience of resistance through that.

Points: Changing my relationship from beating myself up when making a mistake to assist and support myself by all means I can find.

I will continue with this tomorrow…

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Day 125: Sadness in Long Distance Relationship Part 2

 

Continued from: Suppressing Sadness in Long Distance Relationship

Today I was walking with my partner and a thought came up about how we will have to separate again and live in different countries in the near future. A feeling of sadness came up and I suppressed it to not experience it but it was still existent within me.  I also see that I am able to stay stable within myself while we are separated. However, a fear does come up of being alone without him.  I have had to separate from him twice this year because since we live in different countries we can only see each other every 3-6 months due to money/school/work, and the day we have to separate I would experience a great fear in my solar plexus, so I now want to look into and investigate this point of sadness and fear of separating from my partner.

sad

adjective, sad·der, sad·dest.

1.affected by unhappiness or grief; sorrowful or mournful: to feel sad because a close friend has movedaway.

2. expressive of or characterized by sorrow: sad looks; a sad song.

3. causing sorrow: a sad disappointment; sad news.
Going into an experience of sadness,of feeling unhappy, allowing myself to instead of being here in the moment with my partner, allowed myself to project the inevitability of having to separate with him in my mind with a thought of saying goodbye to him at the airport, like what I had to do in April. Within this, I sabotage the moment of being herewith him, with me, breathing, enjoying, sabotaging this moment by going/participating in my mind and allowing myself to experience sadness. Looking at this – what point was there to become sad?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in sadness when I thought about having to say goodbye to my partner in the future when I was enjoying myself with him in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself and my self-enjoyment with being with my partner by going into my mind and participating in thoughts of saying goodbye to him at the airport in the future and feeling of sad, both of which were irrelevant to the moment of me being with my partner and yet I accepted and allowed myself to participate in this point.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stay here within breath while being with my partner.
Why the sadness, what is the origin of the sadness?
There are memories which I defined as sad: 
–The moments/minutes before me having to go to my airline gate and sitting with my partner in the airport holding his hand, knowing I have to go, trying to hold onto the moments with him before saying goodbye. 
–My mother looking at a picture of my partner at the airport and saying “he looks so sad.”
–Also, my mother telling me in the kitchen that saying goodbye and being separate from my partner is sad.
–Me the last day when I had to drive my partner to the airport and I tried to play it cool in front of my mom, like “I’m okay,” and my mom was teary eyed and was crying when I pulled out of the driveway with my partner in the car with me.
I see that I allowed my mother’s words and behaviour to influence how I experience myself with saying goodbye to my partner.

This point will be continued in the next blog posts…

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