Day 128: Re-Defining the word "Harsh" Part 1

Continuing from: Day 127: Investigating the word “Harsh” 

Support on what I am walking today: 

from Earth’s Journey to Life Redefining Words: Gathering Information

Harsh.
I have, when speaking the word harsh would use it in context to judge something. For example, the saying “that’s harsh” I am implying that what I see as harsh I am judging, specifically in a sense of judging something or someone for an action that was done as if I have a right to judge that something or someone. In a sense I am also blaming that something or someone in separation of myself for what they did. Within that, I would see myself as superior to and better than which I am judging/seeing/defining as harsh, so I am within the polarity of superiority and inferiority.

I had a friend who would also say something similar “that’s harsh” but make fun of it in a way, and I would react in anger towards her for acting like that, judging and acting arrogant. My friendship with her was quite abusive, but that’s another point to write about later. I don’t recall ever saying to someone directly that they’re harsh.

To imagine being said I’m harsh I react in fear because I believe/find/see that word as something bad, that if I am harsh that is a bad thing, like that’s something you shouldn’t be at all. It goes against an idea I have of who I am, self-definitions and beliefs of myself of trying to be/look like this good person lol. It’s interesting when I am the one saying the word harsh I feel powerful, superior, like I have a right to say whatever I want, better than all, but when I am the receiver of the word I react in fear.

Harsh – I even connect to punishment. To me the word harsh is connected to severe punishment, with lots of pain and agony. I also connect this to whipping, like in the history of America with slavery and the white men as masters whipping black slaves – I must have seen this in a movie since I have a picture of it in my head. That’s harsh” I define it so. The word to me is negatively charged and something I experience fear towards.

I will continue with this point tomorrow by walking the next step in re-defining the word “Harsh”…

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Day 112: Holding Onto the Past to Not Change

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I told my partner that I don’t think I’m doing enough and am effective in my process and he brought up the point that I am still using my past and mistakes to basically not change. Well, I realize I can stop this, I can stop judging myself and using the past to hinder/suppress/diminish/destroy who I can become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look back at my past mistakes, faults and problems of the past to define who I am, and from this:

  • I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to judge who I am now because of what happened and what I did in the past that I am ashamed of and not happy with
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I cannot change because of what I’ve done in the past and that the past is me, and those mistakes and the problems I have cannot go away because they are who I am, instead of realizing I can actually change and not let my past define who I am by assisting and supporting myself to use the tools of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to identify what is it that I am not wanting to let go of because I have defined/believed myself to be that point and that I cannot change or better myself because I must exist within this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am my past and that I cannot change myself and I cannot let go of my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will always be quiet and shy and scared of speaking up for myself and for sharing myself to others because of who I have been in the past and who I define myself now to be because of my past and what others have said about me instead of realizing that I am able to change out of this, I don’t have to be like this any more, I can change because I want to change – I don’t want to be this character/personality any more.

This point I will continue in the next posts… 

I commit myself to investigate my past mistakes that I am still holding onto through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application to release myself of the past so I am free.

I commit myself to stop judging myself for what I’ve done in the past by understanding my past and how/why I made the mistakes through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to assist and support myself to change so I do not walk the same mistakes again.

Additional Support: 
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Day 94: Falling within a Point, Judgement, and Value

Instead of tracing back exactly what happened and what led me to falling within a point / habit again, I ended up judging myself. I existed in ‘fear of loss’ of not ever being able to experience this point / habit again and from that was driven to act on the pattern / habit I originally wanted to stop. What I did not see was how much value I gave to this point because I perceived what I was about to lose was very important instead of realizing the pattern I wanted to stop never supported me in the first place and it would be OKAY if I didn’t act on it again. This is a personal point for me that I will walk for myself, but here is some self-forgiveness that I would like to share:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I fell within a point that I knew would not benefit me but because I feared missing out on ever experiencing the point again, I allowed the fear to direct me me to act upon the point and then I judged myself for what I’ve done instead of taking responsibility by looking back to see what exactly led me to fall within this point so I can flag it, name it, and investigate it through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application so that I don’t fall within the point again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within anger, shame and self-hatred for falling in the same point that I was committed to stop instead of actually forgiving myself of the anger, shame and hatred within the realization that I missed a point and that it’s something that happens when I don’t “cover all my bases” so, it’s part of a learning process I am walking in understanding myself, so judging and hating myself for missing the point in no way helps / supports me but actually diminishes me in terms of assisting and supporting me in stopping points / habits that do not serve me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to be gentle with myself instead of judging myself when I miss / fall within a point as I realize that I am learning and walking the process to life for the first time is a journey unto itself and therefore, the best I can do is to be gentle yet firm in staying consistent and driven in walking my process. From this – I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to walk myself as gentleness within process. (Here I see I require to re-define the word gentleness to practically live the word within my life).


More to come…


Educate yourself:  CONSUMING KIDS – The Commercialization of Childhood 

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Day 76: "I’ll be Diligent and Focused TOMORROW…" Thought & Memory

Continuation from the blog post: Resistance to Writing – Thought – Part 1 where I wrote about one thought I had that connected to my resistance to writing and it was: “Me in the Process of Writing but Being Frustrated.”

The second thought I am investigating is the thought of “Me Writing the Next Day Diligently and Focused.”

This thought comes up as an image of “me at my desk writing diligently and focused the next day.” This thought is an idea I created within myself of who I WANT TO BE when I am writing – diligently and focused and instead of actually becoming that when I write I believe that tomorrow I will be that, but this is an excuse not to put in the effort and write that day, and I know that I won’t ever be diligent and focused in writing if I keep postponing the writing and thinking to myself I’m going to be diligent and focused tomorrow

I can see I can trace this thought back to a memory when I wrote in my notebook after a period of time when I stopped my participation in Desteni due to chasing desires and I basically got to a point where I had enough of the b.s. I was existing in – I was in a difficult situation I got myself into and I knew what I had to do – so I sat on my couch and wrote out everything that was bothering me – I got it all out because I held a lot in, and I was what I would describe as very ‘diligent and focused’ because I was essentially letting the information flow out of me about a specific point that was bothering me, and as I was writing, I saw the solution, and I literally felt better, like a load came off of me because it was within me writing intimately to myself without reaction or judgement that I got to see what was really going on inside but then my writing got interrupted by a family member calling me to dinner and I became startled and felt the intimate experience I had when writing out myself got violated and I didn’t want to stop writing but felt obligated to go to dinner so I left my writing and went to dinner. When I came back I sat down and tried to apply the writing but nothing came out as before, I became frustrated and felt stuck. I wanted to continue writing as I did before but felt like I couldn’t anymore, so I just put the notebook away.

The words “diligent” and “focused” will be re-defined in future posts, but I’m going to walk through Self Forgiveness on the above thought and the memory in the next blog posts to come.

Thanks.

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Image Source: Damian Ledesma || DesteniArtists
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Day 57: Fear of Being Disliked By My Partner’s Mother


I will be walking Self Forgiveness in relation to a point that has opened up and that is fear of being disliked by my partner’s mother.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being disliked by my partner’s mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to preoccupy myself with fears, thoughts and imagination play outs of how my partner’s mother may act, respond and/or react when she meets me and from there, imagine what would happen and how I would respond to her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give much value to what my partner’s mother may think of me, and from this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become intimidated by my partner’s mother by seeing myself less than/inferior to her and also, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my partner’s mother by perceiving the mother to be more than me and thus, superior to me, which I perceive and believe to be ‘intimidating.’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my partner’s mother, instead of seeing that I haven’t met her yet, so I don’t know what she’s like and whether she likes me or doesn’t. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my partner’s mother’s opinions, thoughts and judgments of me really define who I am instead of realizing that I am the only one who is able to decide who I am and what I accept and allow because I have the self-power within to do so.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by my partner’s mother through fearing that if she judges me negatively or tells my partner that she doesn’t like me that somehow it will influence my relationship with my partner and that he will dislike me, therefore I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop fearing my partner disliking me if his mom dislikes me within the understanding that my partner had already communicated his stance about who he is and his relationship to me, so all I can really do is continue to walk with my partner and see what happens in our relationship.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop defining who I am according to how others may see/think/perceive me to be and I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to develop self-acceptance within myself by walking the process of writing, self forgiveness, self honesty and self corrective application as an actual daily task of self-care. 

More Self Forgiveness to follow in the next blog post… thanks.


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Day 54: Judging My Last Name

Blog Name Change:
A Traveler’s Journey to Life is now changed to Michelle’s Journey to Life



I’m going to walk some Self Forgiveness regarding me judging my last name: 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my last name as ugly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively to my last name through judging it as ugly, and from this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect my last name with negative value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the letters in my last name as ugly, simply because of how it looks and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the image of my last name as ugly when it is typed out or written down.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my last name as ugly because of the judgment that “it’s not pretty/nice,” so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and judge a name based on what I think is pretty/nice or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in embarrassment when people don’t pronounce my last name correctly and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect people pronouncing my last name incorrectly to it being embarrassing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my last name as embarrassing due to the past of teachers and adults having difficulty pronouncing my name correctly and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  hold onto those memories of my teachers/adults pronouncing my last name incorrectly within me as the reason/justification/excuse as to why my last name is embarrassing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value to people not pronouncing my name correctly because of the belief that something must be wrong with my last name if people cannot pronounce it correctly so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the belief  that something is wrong with me when people cannot pronounce my last name correctly.

If I take a step back and look at the common sense in a name – a name is just letters from the alphabet that come together in a specific structure and form and one is identified by that name/structure and form, and at looking at my last name, it’s just a name  but I am holding onto certain values and definitions based on this name.

I commit myself to investigate the definitions, memories and values that I hold towards my last name and release the energy/hold through Self Forgiveness.

I commit myself to stop judging others names and my name within polarity of ‘nice/pretty’ and ‘ugly.’

I commit myself to investigate why I become so embarrassed when people pronounce my last name by looking at what memories I am holding onto where I perceive and justify my name is embarrassing.

I commit myself to investigate all the names that I perceive as ugly or pretty and release such definitions and judgments through Self Forgiveness.

Day 44: I’m Not Good Enough Character– Fear Dimension Self Corrective Statements


Continuation from the following blog posts:
Fear – My writings are not good enough!
Self Corrective/Commitment Statements
I commit myself to stop judging myself and my writings because it is through judgement that I limit, suppress and sabotage myself and my process of developing and expanding myself and since I see, realize and understand that judgement no way supports me or anyone in this world, and so I do not accept and allow myself to judge who I am in relation to my writings by fearing my writings not being good enough.
I commit myself to stop comparing my writings to the writings of others and assist and support myself through the daily task/application of writing and self investigation to develop myself and my writing skills.
When and as I see myself go into fear that my writings are not good enough, I STOP, I breathe, and do not allow myself to continue participating within this fear, but simply assist and support myself to write out exactly how I’m experiencing myself in as much detail as I can, as self honestly as I can, and from there, accordingly direct myself through self forgiveness and self corrective application so that I no longer time-loop and abuse myself in the same abusive, self-diminishing/sabotaging pattern of fear again.
When and as I see myself want to give up on writing because I think/judge my writing is not good enough, I stop, I breathe and do not allow such thoughts/judgments to exist within me as I realize that I am being too hard on myself and being too hard on myself stops me from just writing out whats here, existent within me because of the fear that my writings are ‘not good enough.’

 So – I commit myself to, through unconditionally expressing myself through writing as what/how I currently experience myself, find a solution to my problems with the assistance of self forgiveness, self corrective application and practical common sense so I walk/change myself practically into a being Best for All.

Day 43: I’m Not Good Enough Character — Writings — Fear Dimension

Please read for context:

Fear:
My writings are not good enough!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my writings are not good enough, and within that, judge who I am in my writings, and so – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the nature of judgement to exist within me in relation to how I perceive me and my writings to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear because of the belief that my writings are not good enough by comparing who I am and my writings towards others writings by specifically comparing the vocabulary, flow of writing and structure of other people’s writings and from there, go into a mixture of jealousy and fear because I believe that I cannot reach up to “their level,” as if there is an actual “level” instead of realizing there is no “level” but simply a development in writing skills through consistent application of self-writing to freedom. From this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to ‘master’ my writings in order to become an effective being instead of developing myself as an effective being by writing what I can write now, every day on a consistent basis and use the Desteni tools to develop who I am in and through writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself because I judge my writings as not being good enough, and within that, judge me as not good enough, and within that it shows that I am being too hard on myself SO I stop because I see that judgement is what is stopping me from writing myself out in the moment unconditionally because of fear that it is not good enough/’up to par’ with other Destonian writings, and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear that my writings are not good enough to sabotage me and who I am in my writing process instead of writing out what I’m experiencing myself without holding back, without fear of what others may think of me, and just write it all out unconditionally, see what comes up and from there, assist and support myself in self honesty to write out the self forgiveness, self corrective/commitments statements and then apply my correction in the physical world as a test to see if I require to change/tweak the forgiveness and/or the self corrective application. And so –

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally express myself in my writings through writing out exactly how I’m experiencing myself as a Mind Consciousness System as a point of support to understand who I have become as a program so I can see, realize and understand how/why I became who I am and accordingly find a solution to how I can change myself and my programming with the assistance of self forgiveness, self corrective application, as well as practical common sense.

Day 42: I’m Not Good Enough Character – Introduction

I am going to begin writing out my first sub-character of the “I’m Not Good Enough“character in relation to who I am within my writings. SO – here is the structure I will be walking my Self Forgiveness on:

Fear: My writings are not good enough.

Thought: Me sitting by my desk with a piece of paper in front of me, head down, struggling to write.

Imagination: Me in constant struggle, jabbing the paper with my pencil, huffing and puffing, angry and frustrated at myself.

Backchat: “I can’t do this…” “I can’t do this right…” “I will never be as good as them.” “How can I do this?” “How can I be as good as them?”

Reaction: anger, frustration, rage, impatience, anxiety, fear

Physical Reactions: chest tightening, constricted/uneasy breathing, tightening in solar plexus

Consequence: To be continued…



Day 31: Allowing Judgement Self Corrective Statements


Continuation from the blog post:    Day 30: Allowing Judgement

* * *

When and as I see myself about to make a judgmental comment, I stop and breathe because I see, realize and understand that only consequence of separation and abuse will manifest if I allow myself to speak words of judgement towards another, which actually are in fact, judgments I am making towards me.  So, I assist and support myself to STOP when I see myself about to do this because in the past I have seen what I was going to say beforehand, so, when I am in mid-sentence and notice what will come out is a judgement I take a breath, STOP and say “my apologies…never mind”. If I am asked what I was going to say, I say “I was going to make a judgement and making judgments is not cool because I’ve seen the consequences  of doing so.” And then explain the point if the person continues to ask me questions.

When and as I see myself about to make a judgement in mid-sentence and stop because of fear that I am going to get attacked or prodded about why I paused in speaking, I stop, I breathe and do not allow myself to make the judgement due to fear because I realize that fear is from the Mind, an energetic system within that is NOT real but I allow myself to become enslaved towards it – so to stop this enslavement and take responsibility in becoming self directive pricniple, I do not allow this moment of fear to direct me into speaking a judgement towards another as I realize, see and understand this brings about consequence that is not best for all.

I commit myself to investigate the judgments I have towards myself and stop them through writing, self forgiveness, self honesty and common sense.

I commit myself to when I see myself about to say something that is not supportive, STOP and apologize, change the topic or walk away.

I commit myself to be aware of what I’m talking about and where my conversation is going and ask myself is what I’m saying supportive or abusive?

I commit myself to purify the words I speak by taking one word at a time and write them out, with the assistance of Earth’s Journey to Life Blog Posts.

I commit myself to expand my vocabulary.

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