Day 172: Going to a Party You Don’t Want To Go To


Continuing from:
Day 171: Compromising Yourself for Friends

Memory:

When I was in the 5th grade I got invited to go to a friend‘s birthday party, however, I was uncomfortable with this because according to who my friend was and the people she was inviting, I had a knowing or a prediction that I wasn’t going to enjoy myself. This is because I’ve seen who my friend is with these certain girls, and the girls themselves I had defined as “mean” and seeing myself as different than these girls, I was uncomfortable because I knew who I was with those girls and I would have a difficult time getting along with them. I really didn’t want to go to the party, and within me I was quite confident within saying no and being okay with that, but saying no in a way of making an excuse such as “I’m sick” or something, cause I didn’t’ want to straight up say no, I was not confident with that in the first place. Yet I was certain and cool with not going – and this is what I wanted to do. But somehow, from what I remember, my mom got involved and questioned me on why I didn’t want to go and I remember standing there uncertain, the words unable to express why didn’t come up and so I then in that moment succumbed to my mother’s suggestion and went.

So along the way, driving to the party, I was really uncomfortable with a feeling in my stomach, I can describe it as a ‘giving in and having to deal with it,’ sort of thing where it’s ‘out of my control’ and basically forced out of my will to do this. Looking back at it, if I could have, I would have stood defiantly within my decision and not allow myself to waver from my mother’s words but of course, I did not have the skills or education or confidence to do so. I went to that party and just as expected/predicted did not have a good time. I was insecure, nervous, intimidated, timid and took things very personally. We all went bowling and the car ride going home I cried silently and alone until my friend asked me “are you crying?” in front of everyone and I put up a illusive shield and said “no,” while a silence was there and I imagined/thought about my friend exchanging glances with the other girls within judgment, as that was a common behavior I hated that she did with the other girls.

That was also when I really saw for myself how I honestly did want to go to this party but compromised myself for no real reason except that according to mom “I should go.” I was so upset at myself when I realized this.

Points noted:

-Compromised myself, did not stand up for myself, did not stand up to my mom by standing with my decision and saying no, and sticking to it
-waver within myself when my mom questioned me, thinking that I should go, the excuse was ‘she is my friend, it is her birthday party…’
-accumulate backchat of ‘I want to go home,’ as a pity party for me, bringing up tears in my friend’s mom’s car,

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise me by succumbing to another’s suggestion to go to a birthday party when I really did not want to go because I knew I would not enjoy myself there

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going to someone’s birthday party because of the people being invited and me not knowing who I can connect or be comfortable with because every person I know is going I have judged/percieved as being mean and/or I won’t be able to get along with them/enjoy myself with them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid the people I have defined/perceived as “mean” instead of asking myself what do they do that I don’t like/that I define as mean, so I can then from there, see who I am within it all and if I am just taking their words/behaviors personally

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am afraid to be myself around others at the birthday party for in fear of being judged and ridiculed, instead of realizing that if I was being “myself” as who I really am and okay with who I am, I wouldn’t care about what others think/say about me, so within this I see that I have become someone who relies heavily on other’s words and what they do and that I have insecurity on simply being/expressing me. So the point within this – is that I can assist and support me to find solutions about being uncomfortable expressing who I am in front of others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand my ground within saying no to another’s request of going to their birthday party because I honestly did not want to go

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand my ground within the decision to not go to the birthday party through the gathering of memories and knowledge of the people involved within the birthday party of them not being ‘people I would enjoy myself with’ because of who they are in their words and behaviors and so within this I realize there is nothing “bad” about turning down an initiation especially if one sees the party as being something not supportive for self and one can do something else for oneself that would be more enjoyable

From this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt upon not wanting to go to another’s birthday party by thinking/believing that I should go to the party because “I just should” instead of questioning this attitude or mindset because self is not considered, but social acceptances/ideas/norms are, so within this, I see within my society we are pressured, or obliged to go to parties even if we don’t want to, because we “should” or that if we don’t we won’t be popular, etc, even within the realization or knowledge that the party will be not supportive for self or self won’t enjoy it, and this leads one to doing things they really don’t want to, compromising themselves and their decisions

I will continue with this in the next blog post…thanks for reading!

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Day 150: My Job is Not Good Enough

In continuation from:    Day 149: Comparing my Job with Another’s Job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/perceive my job to be not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe my job is not good enough because I am not making enough money as what I would like/expect to make since graduating college. I see, realize and understand that I had created an expectation that I will be able to make enough money when I am out of college, instead of considering the reality of things: that it takes time and effort to apply for jobs and gain experience —getting a job is not so easy in the system but requires many factors.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my job is not good enough because I don’t make “enough money” or as much money as I had wanted/expected for myself. I see, realize and understand that I am judging my job as being not good enough instead of realizing the problem within the judgement – I am judging myself/who I am based on what kind of job I have instead of realizing that this is just a job and for the time being I am in this job to assist and support me to make some money while I plan/sort out the next step I am willing/wanting to take with my career/education.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to upon being accepted for a school job, to feel/be unsatisfied with myself because I knew that I wouldn’t be making enough money that would guarantee comfortable living for myself. From this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards the point that the job I have now does not guarantee or give me enough money where I am able to buy my own living space for myself for example.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel quite ashamed for still living and depending on my parents for food, clothes, shelter, a car, and from this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within a mixture of anger and helplessness thinking about my situation where I am “forced” or basically have no option but to live with my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within anger about me being here still living with my parents by looking at my age and judging myself as my age and me being here/still having to depend on parents. From this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the idea that at my age I should not be home, but because I am not living on my own/with my parents I should be ashamed of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pressured to move out and have a place to myself because of a memory of my father last year who told me I need to find a “real job” and me becoming upset about that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel quite ashamed when my father told me that I don’t have a real job and I need to find one. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my father’s words personally instead of realizing that I had already formed judgement about myself and the job and my father saying such things only activated/triggered those reactions within me so I could see where I am not standing.  I see that one of the reasons my father may have said I need to find a real job was because he was nervous I had one more year to go being under his health insurance plan and after that I’d have none or have to start paying my own and he wanted me to find a job where the company pays for my insurance.

I will explore my father and the reactions I have already had/formed in relation to my job in posts to come.

I commit myself to investigate where I got the idea that at my age (26) I should not be living at home with parents through writing, self-forgiveness and accordingly, apply self-corrective application.

I commit to investigate all the reactions/ideas/beliefs I have about my job, and use the Desteni tools to clear them all so I am able to walk/apply myself in the job without feeling ashamed/satisfied.

More to come. Thanks for reading.

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Day 145: I’m Not Bad…Just Misunderstood…

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Continuation from:
Day 144: Consequences of Snarky Remarks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically judge myself within and as self-punishment of defining/judging/seeing myself as as “bad” person for speaking about another through making fun of them, within arrogance and without consideration of the impact/consequence of my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a “bad” person for making fun of another and defining making fun of another as “bad.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect making fun of another as “bad”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give negative value towards making fun of another and from this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define making fun of others as “bad” thus charging it with negative energy.

I see, realize and understand that making fun of another is is an action within separation and ignorance of consequences, consideration and awareness towards another as self, equal and one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as a bad person because I made fun of someone instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I existed within a point of arrogance where I felt like I had the freedom to say whatever I could about someone and did so to stimulate/get a response from another so I could feel better about myself because in the moment before making fun of another I felt obligated that I had to say something to keep the conversation going and found that making fun of another to be what can stimulate/bring the conversation to a response instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I don’t have to add to the conversation if there is nothing else to say, and self-honesty I saw that there really wasn’t anything relevant to say.

To be continued…

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Day 128: Re-Defining the word "Harsh" Part 1

Continuing from: Day 127: Investigating the word “Harsh” 

Support on what I am walking today: 

from Earth’s Journey to Life Redefining Words: Gathering Information

Harsh.
I have, when speaking the word harsh would use it in context to judge something. For example, the saying “that’s harsh” I am implying that what I see as harsh I am judging, specifically in a sense of judging something or someone for an action that was done as if I have a right to judge that something or someone. In a sense I am also blaming that something or someone in separation of myself for what they did. Within that, I would see myself as superior to and better than which I am judging/seeing/defining as harsh, so I am within the polarity of superiority and inferiority.

I had a friend who would also say something similar “that’s harsh” but make fun of it in a way, and I would react in anger towards her for acting like that, judging and acting arrogant. My friendship with her was quite abusive, but that’s another point to write about later. I don’t recall ever saying to someone directly that they’re harsh.

To imagine being said I’m harsh I react in fear because I believe/find/see that word as something bad, that if I am harsh that is a bad thing, like that’s something you shouldn’t be at all. It goes against an idea I have of who I am, self-definitions and beliefs of myself of trying to be/look like this good person lol. It’s interesting when I am the one saying the word harsh I feel powerful, superior, like I have a right to say whatever I want, better than all, but when I am the receiver of the word I react in fear.

Harsh – I even connect to punishment. To me the word harsh is connected to severe punishment, with lots of pain and agony. I also connect this to whipping, like in the history of America with slavery and the white men as masters whipping black slaves – I must have seen this in a movie since I have a picture of it in my head. That’s harsh” I define it so. The word to me is negatively charged and something I experience fear towards.

I will continue with this point tomorrow by walking the next step in re-defining the word “Harsh”…

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Day 112: Holding Onto the Past to Not Change

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I told my partner that I don’t think I’m doing enough and am effective in my process and he brought up the point that I am still using my past and mistakes to basically not change. Well, I realize I can stop this, I can stop judging myself and using the past to hinder/suppress/diminish/destroy who I can become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look back at my past mistakes, faults and problems of the past to define who I am, and from this:

  • I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to judge who I am now because of what happened and what I did in the past that I am ashamed of and not happy with
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I cannot change because of what I’ve done in the past and that the past is me, and those mistakes and the problems I have cannot go away because they are who I am, instead of realizing I can actually change and not let my past define who I am by assisting and supporting myself to use the tools of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to identify what is it that I am not wanting to let go of because I have defined/believed myself to be that point and that I cannot change or better myself because I must exist within this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am my past and that I cannot change myself and I cannot let go of my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will always be quiet and shy and scared of speaking up for myself and for sharing myself to others because of who I have been in the past and who I define myself now to be because of my past and what others have said about me instead of realizing that I am able to change out of this, I don’t have to be like this any more, I can change because I want to change – I don’t want to be this character/personality any more.

This point I will continue in the next posts… 

I commit myself to investigate my past mistakes that I am still holding onto through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application to release myself of the past so I am free.

I commit myself to stop judging myself for what I’ve done in the past by understanding my past and how/why I made the mistakes through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to assist and support myself to change so I do not walk the same mistakes again.

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Day 94: Falling within a Point, Judgement, and Value

Instead of tracing back exactly what happened and what led me to falling within a point / habit again, I ended up judging myself. I existed in ‘fear of loss’ of not ever being able to experience this point / habit again and from that was driven to act on the pattern / habit I originally wanted to stop. What I did not see was how much value I gave to this point because I perceived what I was about to lose was very important instead of realizing the pattern I wanted to stop never supported me in the first place and it would be OKAY if I didn’t act on it again. This is a personal point for me that I will walk for myself, but here is some self-forgiveness that I would like to share:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I fell within a point that I knew would not benefit me but because I feared missing out on ever experiencing the point again, I allowed the fear to direct me me to act upon the point and then I judged myself for what I’ve done instead of taking responsibility by looking back to see what exactly led me to fall within this point so I can flag it, name it, and investigate it through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application so that I don’t fall within the point again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within anger, shame and self-hatred for falling in the same point that I was committed to stop instead of actually forgiving myself of the anger, shame and hatred within the realization that I missed a point and that it’s something that happens when I don’t “cover all my bases” so, it’s part of a learning process I am walking in understanding myself, so judging and hating myself for missing the point in no way helps / supports me but actually diminishes me in terms of assisting and supporting me in stopping points / habits that do not serve me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to be gentle with myself instead of judging myself when I miss / fall within a point as I realize that I am learning and walking the process to life for the first time is a journey unto itself and therefore, the best I can do is to be gentle yet firm in staying consistent and driven in walking my process. From this – I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to walk myself as gentleness within process. (Here I see I require to re-define the word gentleness to practically live the word within my life).


More to come…


Educate yourself:  CONSUMING KIDS – The Commercialization of Childhood 

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Day 76: "I’ll be Diligent and Focused TOMORROW…" Thought & Memory

Continuation from the blog post: Resistance to Writing – Thought – Part 1 where I wrote about one thought I had that connected to my resistance to writing and it was: “Me in the Process of Writing but Being Frustrated.”

The second thought I am investigating is the thought of “Me Writing the Next Day Diligently and Focused.”

This thought comes up as an image of “me at my desk writing diligently and focused the next day.” This thought is an idea I created within myself of who I WANT TO BE when I am writing – diligently and focused and instead of actually becoming that when I write I believe that tomorrow I will be that, but this is an excuse not to put in the effort and write that day, and I know that I won’t ever be diligent and focused in writing if I keep postponing the writing and thinking to myself I’m going to be diligent and focused tomorrow

I can see I can trace this thought back to a memory when I wrote in my notebook after a period of time when I stopped my participation in Desteni due to chasing desires and I basically got to a point where I had enough of the b.s. I was existing in – I was in a difficult situation I got myself into and I knew what I had to do – so I sat on my couch and wrote out everything that was bothering me – I got it all out because I held a lot in, and I was what I would describe as very ‘diligent and focused’ because I was essentially letting the information flow out of me about a specific point that was bothering me, and as I was writing, I saw the solution, and I literally felt better, like a load came off of me because it was within me writing intimately to myself without reaction or judgement that I got to see what was really going on inside but then my writing got interrupted by a family member calling me to dinner and I became startled and felt the intimate experience I had when writing out myself got violated and I didn’t want to stop writing but felt obligated to go to dinner so I left my writing and went to dinner. When I came back I sat down and tried to apply the writing but nothing came out as before, I became frustrated and felt stuck. I wanted to continue writing as I did before but felt like I couldn’t anymore, so I just put the notebook away.

The words “diligent” and “focused” will be re-defined in future posts, but I’m going to walk through Self Forgiveness on the above thought and the memory in the next blog posts to come.

Thanks.

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