289. Redefining Giving Up

joshua-earle-64814Give Up: Dictionary definitionTo yield control or possession of ; surrender

Self-Introspective Writing:  Giving up to me means the mind directs me without my decision — that somewhere somehow I allowed me to give up my self directive power and control to the mind.

The mind consists of many dimensional layers (conscious, subconscious, unconscious…) as well as thoughts, backchats, internal conversations, and many more. If I allow these parts of me to ‘run amok’ and go on and on I am allowing the mind to take over and control me, and thus I have given up my power to stop. Though I understand and realize I can always stop and stand up, in any given moment… 

If I am existing and experiencing something I don’t like, that compromises me or makes me do things I don’t enjoy, I must question who I am within it all – did I agree to live and be like this? Do I agree with who I am? If no – then I STOP – I say/proclaim in me I do not accept and allow me to be like this, live like this… then I forgive me for existing in that part/existence of being, then I stand and decide who I am going to be with a living word.

Personal example: There was a child in my classroom who was really difficult, and I allowed experiences of feeling helpless, disempowerment to control me (thus I gave in / gave up in the mind). This is because I was not honest with myself in being straightforward in acknowledging yes, this child is difficult but I am going to find a way to work with them and find solutions so things can be less challenging between us. 

So, whenever challenges come my way, both internally and externally, instead of giving up / giving into the emotional experiences of helplessness, victimization, resistance, I instead JOIN IN ON THE CHALLENGE and do what I can to find stability and solutions.

In the context of my process, I redefine GIVING UP as: Giving my power / self directive principle to the mind, allowing it control / influence me in a way that compromises me / diminishes me / makes me feel bad about myself.

Self-Correction: When and as I see myself give my power / my authority of the mind to thoughts, backchats, emotions, judgements, etc, I did not agree nor decide to be/exist like this, because I see it is not best for me / compromises me, I stop, breathe, forgive and move me to redefine and live a new word.

I accept challenges, both within my mind as myself, and my external world. I stop resisting, hiding and fearing challenges. I instead take them on, embrace them, because my mind and life processes is all about challenges, learning and moving through with them.

Thanks for reading.

 

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Day 146: Feeling Uncomfortable When Being Complimented About Job Performance

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My supervisor at work said I am doing a “great job” and within me I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to handle or direct the compliment. I am not sure how to feel about it, or what to do when I am given a compliment. Like, I understand ‘thank you’ can be acceptable to say back, but within me I feel quite uncomfortable. I usually do not receive compliments and I don’t really like them.

I remember my previous supervisor also saying to me I am doing a good job and I reacted in fear when he said that because like I said – I didn’t know how to handle/direct that, or how to feel/experience myself. I said thank you – but it was not genuine.

My partner mentioned that this type of ‘compliment’ I received from my supervisor was system feedback – meaning, I was receiving feedback, or a compliment about my work performance within the work/job system. It’s nothing personal – it’s simply that how I was doing in my job was that I exceeded the requirements for performing my job at an acceptable level, and the supervisor wanted to express that to me. It was what I would define a very nice moment from my supervisor. I in a way was touched he open that point up for me because I did not know how I was doing, I was unsure if what how I was doing the job was “okay”, so receiving feedback from him was actually quite nice/cool, however, the way I reacted from that was not cool.
I realize there’s no need for me to react when given a compliment. I do not know exactly why I feel uncomfortable – it could be that I just do not give myself enough credit or recognition, not really wanting to stand equal to the points/parts of me that another sees in me due to ideas and judgments I have of me. I may just be so use to being negative on myself that I do not want to accept that I am doing a good job on something – like what I do is ‘never enough,’ or I should ‘never be happy’ with myself sort of pattern. What would be cool is if I redefine the word “great” for myself at a later stage.

Anyways, what I will do though is continue with working how I do at my job but also look at other ways/means/opportunities to learn and expand myself within what I’m doing so I don’t remain stagnant.

I will walk Self-Forgiveness and Practical Self Corrections in the next blogs.

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Day 121: Fear of Getting Rejected to work in a Foreign Country


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having all the required papers and documents to be able to move to another country.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear wasting money and time on moving to another country.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the imagination of me sitting in an office having been told that I forgot a paper/document and because of that I cannot be accepted in the country. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing a moment where someone tells me that I am not accepted/cannot get through the country because I don’t have the required documents with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within imagination of having to call my mom and have her rush to get the paper/documents for me and spend a lot of money to ship over the documents to me so I can stay/work in the country.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear regretting making mistakes and from this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear regret of making a mistake and go into self-hate, self-anger, self-frsuteration – experiences that would drive me into self-destruction.

From this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the points I accept and allow to be one and equal with – self-hate, self-anger, self-frustration is self-destructive, ugly and consequential – all of which do not serve me and is not best, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed self-hate, self-anger, self-frustration to be those three experiences I automatically accept and allow me to participate in when I make a mistake, instead of forgiving myself for the mistake and understand how I can learn from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear of losing money and having my financial stability be threatened and having to experience regret and havign to go home and start from scratch again. 
From this self-forgiveness I see that there is more to just a fear of getting rejected, but that there is a fear of having to come home and be in the same position I am now with living with my parents and having to resume my old job and having to exist in uncertainty about what to do with myself and my life. This is why I want to give teaching abroad a try this summer to see if I find myself good at it and if it can support me to remain financially stable
I commit myself to investigate the fears and worries I have in relation to being rejected by a foreign country and see if there are any specific memories in relation to this point.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to investigate why I fear having to come home and resume my life in the states through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

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   – See more at: http://michellesjourneytolife.blogspot.co.at/#sthash.C0H5H0X6.dpuf
 To be continued…

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Day 114: Just Do It. Pushing Through Resistance While Walking Assignments

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I face resistance towards walking through an assignment that must get done, to think I have enough time to do it tomorrow and support this justification through imagining me doing it tomorrow while experiencing a happy feeling inside to fool me into believing that I really will get the assignment done tomorrow instead of actually walking the assignment NOW when I self-honestly see within the moment that I can get walk it now but because I accepted and allowed myself to submit to the resistance instead of pushing through resistance and just do the assignment I allowed imagination and positive feelings to persuade me otherwise, and from there, not walk the assignment, thus creating the consequence of postponing the assignment, simply because I believed I will be able to get it done tomorrow and ‘it’ll be okay.’

  • I commit myself to stop believing in the imagination and belief that I will get the assignment done tomorrow when an image of me working pops up because I realize it’s just my mind directing me to do something other than the assignment I am walking and the more I postpone, the more time I lose in completing the assignment .
  • I commit myself to walk the assignment the moment I see an opportunity and/or time frame to do so.

So therefore, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and take into consideration practical reality when I am faced with considering to work on my assignment today or tomorrow, and instead of actually walking through the moment and available time I have now to do the assignment, allowed resistance to direct and dictate for me when it wants me to do the assignment, thus, I accepted and allowed myself to succumb to the mind, instead of standing up and no longer submitting to what the mind wants because I realize it’s just resistance and all that is required of me is to just DO THE ASSIGNMENT.

  • I commit myself to push through resistance towards walking through an assignment and just do the assignment – simple as that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my ability to walk through an assignment because of how I had difficulty walking through it in the past instead of taking it slow and walking at the pace I need to walk in order to make sure that all the assignment asks for is completed correctly.

  • I commit myself to walk the assignment at a pace I am comfortable walking that will assist me in completing the assignment on time and with all the required points needed.
  • From this – I commit myself to organize my time and schedule in a manner that will assist and support me to practically walk the assignment during my available time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist walking through an assignment due to having fear of not being able to bring up the required information instead of just using the resources and people provided to assist me within my understanding of the assignment available.

  • I commit myself to speak up and ask for assistance and/or support when I see I am having difficulty with the assignment.
  • I commit myself to use resources and the material available to assist and support me with understanding what I am required to do within the assignment.

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Day 112: Holding Onto the Past to Not Change

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I told my partner that I don’t think I’m doing enough and am effective in my process and he brought up the point that I am still using my past and mistakes to basically not change. Well, I realize I can stop this, I can stop judging myself and using the past to hinder/suppress/diminish/destroy who I can become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look back at my past mistakes, faults and problems of the past to define who I am, and from this:

  • I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to judge who I am now because of what happened and what I did in the past that I am ashamed of and not happy with
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I cannot change because of what I’ve done in the past and that the past is me, and those mistakes and the problems I have cannot go away because they are who I am, instead of realizing I can actually change and not let my past define who I am by assisting and supporting myself to use the tools of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to identify what is it that I am not wanting to let go of because I have defined/believed myself to be that point and that I cannot change or better myself because I must exist within this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am my past and that I cannot change myself and I cannot let go of my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will always be quiet and shy and scared of speaking up for myself and for sharing myself to others because of who I have been in the past and who I define myself now to be because of my past and what others have said about me instead of realizing that I am able to change out of this, I don’t have to be like this any more, I can change because I want to change – I don’t want to be this character/personality any more.

This point I will continue in the next posts… 

I commit myself to investigate my past mistakes that I am still holding onto through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application to release myself of the past so I am free.

I commit myself to stop judging myself for what I’ve done in the past by understanding my past and how/why I made the mistakes through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to assist and support myself to change so I do not walk the same mistakes again.

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Day 92: Fear of Facing Teacher Feedback

Today I was going through old lesson plans that I made when I first started teaching.  Within the lesson plans my instructor at the time wrote down comments and made notes on my teaching presentation / instruction .  The notes my instructor wrote down about me were very thorough and direct and provided suggestions on improvements.  Upon seeing the notes / comments I went into fear and a major resistance to even look at them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing my instructor’s notes on my teaching presentation / instruction because I realize that he is directly making notes on me and my performance and therefore, I see, realize and understand that within those notes is feedback on my teaching such as what I require working on and improving, and from this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to fear facing embarrassment and humiliation about my teaching presentation / instruction through the instructor’s comments as I realize that within reading his comments I am facing my mistakes that another has pointed out to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing my mistakes that another has pointed out to me, indicating what I did not do well on and need to improve on, pointing out suggestions on what to do to correct it – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the instructor feedback on my teaching presentation / instruction is essential in understanding how I can correct my mistakes as a teacher as well as develop myself into an effective teacher. From this – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my instructor’s comments about my teacher presentation / instruction personally as I realize that the instructor was being direct, open and honest about my teaching style / presentation / instruction and therefore, used his knowledge and expertise to assist me in seeing where I may have been off and / or need adjustments and corrections in my teaching presentation / instruction.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face my instructor’s comments about my teaching presentation / instruction full on within the realization that I am here and reading these comments is a point of support for me in understanding where I may still require correction in my teaching and that these notes are here to support me in my development as a teacher, and therefore, there is no need to take another’s comments towards my presentation personally as the instructor was simply doing his job – observing and taking notes on my teaching presentation / instruction and utilizing his knowledge and expertise to suggest what I need to work on. I mean – how else am I going to develop, learn and grow as a teacher if I don’t accept others perspectives and suggestions on developing my teaching style? I realize that having my instructor as an observer was cool in that he was able to catch and see things I wasn’t aware of when I was teaching.

I will continue more on this point tomorrow. Thank you.

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Day 91: Fear of Facing Person "X"

Self-Forgiveness on fear facing and having a conversation with someone who I will call “X.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing X because I’m afraid of what they’re going to say to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see X as superior to me in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see X as someone intimidating in which I perceived me to be inadequate and less than X. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and believe myself to be inferior and inadequate to X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself become nervous  when X is in my presence and / or talking to me. I see, realize and understand that to investigate the exact beliefs / thoughts / backchat / memories through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application that I have towards this person will assist and support me in understanding the exact reason / cause as to why I become nervous and fear X so I can change and no longer exist in fear towards them.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to express me as me as self-expression when I am with X.
I commit myself to breathe when I am talking to X and let go of any fears or doubts within me when I’m with them.

I commit myself to work on developing self-confidence and self-expression by investigating my fears towards X through writing, self-forgiveness and correct myself through self-corrective statements and application so I am able to talk to X comfortably and without fear.

I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application investigate where I suppress  and limit my self-expression around others and assist and support me in understanding how to practically walk me into self-confidence.


More to come…


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