Day 212: A Childhood Mistake

Continuing from:
Day 211: Health Paranoia

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to know everything in relation to all the ways, treatments and steps to prevent or heal a disease/illness instead of realizing that is absolutely impossible because new information on such a topic is constantly streaming and ongoing and that this desire to know everything comes from a fear of not knowing what to do or how to save someone or myself from failing health/accident and going into major regret because of it

I commit myself to slow down when it comes to reading health articles and to simply learn/do research on that which I genuinely want to know/learn about that is/will be relevant in my life and let go of information that does not serve me or is not relevant to me in my life

I commit myself to educate myself on preventative measures and life saving techniques, such as CPR so that I have that information stored within me that can assist me/another if an emergency would occur however within this, I commit myself to breathe through whatever fears may arise where I fear not having enough information or not knowing all preventive life-saving techniques since I realize in reality I can only learn as much as I can within the time I have and that beating myself up or fearing not knowing something/regretting is a personality/point that requires to be looked at, walked and transcended

I question myself, what memory or event in my life happened where I went into a large regret after finding out information that I could have used to stop something happening, specifically from something dying: A memory of when my pet fish died.

This happened to me when I was about 10 or 11 and to me was quite traumatic. One of my parents was cleaning the fish tank and we had to transfer my fish to a bowl so they could really clean it up the tank. Little did I know that I should have put my fish in the bowl with the same water he lived in, but what happened was I did not know this – I put clean new water in the bowl then transferred my fish into the bowl and watched him swim frantically around and then die. I accidentally killed my fish right in front of me and I had formed a relationship with this fish, so I was very shocked and traumatized about this ordeal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to my fish suddenly dying on me because I didn’t understand why he just died in front of me instead of realizing that I did not know that I cannot put fish into new water or else they will go into shock and die instead of realizing I made a mistake and it was a genuine mistake where I unfortunately had to experience the consequence of my fish’s death

I commit myself to read up and educate myself BEFORE I get a pet so that I have awareness and education on how to take care of a pet so that accidental deaths that could have been prevented will no longer happen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to my fish because he was ‘mine,’ since I picked him out and gave him his own name and thus, felt ‘proud’ about that because he was only ‘my’ fish and projected my pride onto him and when I killed him it was like everything I felt about him or projected onto him also died and it was all my fault and thus I am ‘to blame’ so went into self-punishment, hating myself and beating myself up from this ordeal/mistake

I commit myself to stop attaching myself to animals/pets by seeing them as ‘mine’ as ‘mine’ is a part of ‘owning’ that comes from the mind instead of realizing each being and animal living here on this planet does not belong to ‘anyone’ as everyone is a unique individual living and sharing this planet with everyone else, though that each and every pet I may have is one I take care of the way I (if I were an animal) would like to be treated/taken care of without emotional attachment since that is also a form of self-interest and disregard of everyone and everything else that is equal to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame me and punish me and hate me for having killed my fish when I didn’t intend to instead of realizing that hating myself and punishing me for a mistake I made that was not in my awareness is nothing but a self-destructive habit that needs to be erased and no longer existent within me as it provides no assistance and support within this ordeal but simply keeps me stuck in self-torment which is really unnecessary since I can learn from my mistakes and share with others my mistakes and what I learned from them so they don’t do them as well

I commit myself to stop hating and punishing myself for the mistake I made when I was younger, where I accidentally killed my pet fish since I realize it was an actual mistake due to impulsivity and not having enough education on how to take care of a pet, so thus, I commit myself to make peace with the memory and take it as a ‘life lesson’ for me and to share with everyone that education on how to take care of one’s animal/pet is super critical and important

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of this mistake of having accidentally killed my fish because I feel like I need to punish or hate myself for it, instead of realizing I have a belief I should not let it go because I think what I did was really bad and should be held against me, like a ‘sentence’ or a point I need to live with for the rest of my life instead of seeing how destructive these points are where they only lead to further consequence, further abuse, further pain, simply because I think and believe I need to hurt/hate myself because what I did was ‘so bad‘ instead of realizing that there is another way, an acceptance and understanding of the past — yes, the past and what I had done will never leave me but the past does not have to define me, that even with this mistake I had made that did have unfortunate consequences doesn’t mean I have to drag that mistake with me for the rest of my life and use that mistake to fuel self-hate, and self-punishment but can instead learn from it, understand it and move on

I commit myself to investigate this self-punishment pattern/tendency that I exist in where I beat myself up for every little mistake because I realize that is far from supportive and needs to be corrected so that the entire cycle of self-abuse can finally be put to an endangered

I commit myself to remind and remember the realization/point that I cannot erase the past, but I can forgive myself and who I was in it and also, that I do not have to allow the past to define me because I have the tools to change, and from, this I commit myself to use the tools of self-support to change myself

And it’s interesting this point of having done something so ‘bad’ connecting killing something or someone as really bad, is coming from morality and how I grew up with family values based in religion and morality where it is ‘so bad’ if someone kills someone, but I see it as defining that person as ‘bad’ as a bad person, instead of understanding that person/who they are that led them to killing, but to bring it back to the point, I defined myself as being really bad, beating myself up because I had killed my fish, I had made a bad mistake, I had done something really bad, and this I see is a point I’ve been existent in for quite some time, all of my life basically where I have had the tendency to really beat myself up, not want to forgive myself when I make mistakes. Like really harsh within me.



Additional Support blog: Death of a Pet

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Day 203: The Idea I Must Know EVERYTHING – Part 2

Continuing from:
Day 202: The Idea I Must Know EVERYTHING

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others when I do not receive enough/any information that I requested from them because they don’t know/don’t have that information because I realize that I expected and believed that they know the answer and when they don’t GIVE ME what I wanted/the information, I react. I realize that I make it an emotional point in my mind if someone I think/believed/judged has the answer does not actually have it. I do not want to hold expectations or ideas about what people may know just like I don’t want people to place expectations on me but I see if others have shown/proven what they are skilled/knowledgeable at in a certain area that’s cool cause then I can see where they are knowledgeable at but not make it emotional if they can’t provide the support I require

So, now what opened up is the pattern of: when I do not get/receive the answers/information I want I react within judgement and/or the emotion like irritation. There is one example where I asked someone about a famous building, wanting to know some history behind it and the person could not answer my question (they did not know) and I went into judgement, expecting them to know and I assumed/got the idea they should know about this building because of how long they’ve been living around the area. However, when I got to know the person I found out that despite being close to the famous building they rarely walked by it and got to know about it due to their life and living experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into judgement when another does not have the information or answer I expect from them instead of realizing I formed an idea/opinion about them that they know the answer and I put my trust into this idea instead of actually cross-referencing with reality by asking them genuinely if they have any information or answers, and within this I realized I had trusted an idea in my mind that they do know the answer/have the information based on assumptions according to who they are and where they live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the ideas in my mind about another having a certain amount of knowledge or information simply from assumptions I made up due to ideas I gathered according to how I perceive who they are, where they are from, their life/etc and when those ideas to do not match up to reality I react

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect and WANT an answer from another when I ask them a question and when they don’t have the answer for me, I react in anger and frustration and within this I realize I have the desire to want things NOW and when I don’t get things I want NOW (like answers) I react not realizing it’s me as the mind throwing the tantrum because I am not getting my desire fulfilled immediately and thus must be patient and consider the other person/situation which means I must set aside my self-interest and the desire of getting what I want immediately and consider reality and the people I am around.

I can see how the point of reacting when I don’t get things my way influences who I am within and around others. This is a point I am going to flag point and walk through in other blog posts. I am going to right now just focus on judgement when I do not receive the answers or information I need/want.

Self-Commitments & Self-Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself go into stress expecting me to know a lot of information about a topic/subject within a short period of time, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself participate anymore in the stress and self-pressure but focus on my breathing and relaxing my body as I realize that it will be a space-time process of learning and educating myself where it will take time to do this and thus I commit myself to stop expecting and placing pressure on myself for needing/having to learn a lot of information within a certain time period and simply organize my time to walk each point of information I need to know/educate myself on within my own self-study pace as practical as I can, letting go of any stress or tension as I realize I can only really take in so much information at a time

When and as I see myself go into self-judgement about “I should have known this/I should know this because I live here” I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in the judgement as I realize this point comes from my ex-boyfriend who made judgement/criticism about my lack of knowledge on my town and I took that personally and from this I realize that while it’s helpful/supportive to be aware and know one’s place of residence/area it doesn’t mean self is less than or inadequate to another if one doesn’t have certain information/knowledge on one’s town/residential area, it simply means self doesn’t have the knowledge/information existent within them and so, is supportive to learn for oneself more about their place of residence

I commit myself to educate myself on my residential area so I am aware of what is around me and if any fear or doubt towards not knowing something about my residential area comes up, I EDUCATE MYSELF so I know the answers/know about my area

When and as I see myself react in fear and/or helplessness towards not having information/knowledge about a certain part or building of my residential area I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in the fear/helplessness as I realize that I do not have the information/knowledge existent within me thus there is no point to react to this point as I realize I am not perfect and I cannot give everyone all answers as I am also new to this area so I am still in the process of learning myself, so I commit myself to give myself a break and stop beating myself up for not having enough information/knowledge to please/satisfy another’s question as I am still in the learning process myself, learning about my area, and so within this, I can use what I do not know about my area to actually seek out the answers so I can assist myself and another in learning more about my area

I commit myself to let go of any judgement I may have towards another who does not know the answer or can provide information/knowledge that I want/would like to know as I realize that this point of judging another for not having information comes from my upbringing in school or family whereas if I do not have answers the possibility of being judged or ridiculed is most likely when really the point behind this is competition/survival of the fittest and ‘who knows it all,’ because the one with most knowledge and information succeeds and does well in school/the system.

I commit myself to investigate the “Give Me What I Want” character/personality as I realize it is harmful and spiteful to exist within it as I only consider myself and my wants instead of others, equal to/as me

I commit myself to accept the reality that: if someone doesn’t have an answer for me, they don’t have an answer for me, and thus I take it on myself to seek for the answer myself or assist the other in finding the answer for me

I commit myself to ask specific questions to see if I can receive the specific information/knowledge/assistance I require

When and as I experience the desire/energy of wanting an answer NOW I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate anymore in this energy as I realize that it’s a self-interest point where I am driven to get things my way now instead of considering space-time reality and others. Thus I commit myself to practice and live patience within my day to day life by first exploring and redefining the word myself and then practice becoming it in fact, all the while breathing and practising remaining here when I see myself go into energy/emotion of wanting to get an answer NOW.

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Day 202: The Idea I Must Know EVERYTHING

I am not confident to walk my word redefinition blogs publicly and require my DIP buddy’s cross-reference before I publish, so I am going to open another point that has been pretty apparent and really came up to the surface today.

The point is that I have placed a lot of pressure on myself to be a type of person who holds a lot of knowledge and information about the city I am now living in for people who will be visiting me in the coming weeks and I’ve held this idea that I must know a lot about the city because of a fear of them asking me questions and me not being able to answer them. So, thus fearing the reactions or judgements of others if I am unable to answer or give historical information on the places I will be showing them around.

I see I have done this (judging others) in other aspects of my life, judging others for not having the knowledge and information I thought they had and wanted from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place pressure on myself within the idea that I MUST store/have within me enough knowledge and information so I can satisfy questions that others have about where I live because of the idea that since I live here I must have a certain amount of knowledge and information about it

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I got this idea of having to know all things about where I live from my ex-boyfriend who judged me for not knowing the street names of my town instead of realizing that I allowed myself to take his words personally and believe me to be at fault because I did not align or match up to what he expected of me through his own mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to provide a good enough answer to satisfy someone’s questions instead of realizing that I only have and can answer what I know/am aware of in the moment and thus use this fear to actually study and learn about where I live so I can support me with understanding my city/surroundings and assist another if they want to learn about it as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others to judge me if I cannot provide them with enough information to satisfy their needs instead of realizing that I have judged others if I expect them to know something when they don’t

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others when I do not receive enough/any information that I requested from them because they don’t know/don’t have that information because I realize that I expected and believed that they know the answer and when they don’t GIVE ME what I wanted/the information, I react. I realize that I make it an emotional point in my mind if someone I think/believed/judged has the answer does not actually have it. I do not want to hold expectations or ideas about what people may know just like I don’t want people to place expectations on me but I see if others have shown/proven what they are skilled/knowledgeable at in a certain area that’s cool cause then I can see where they are knowledgeable at but not make it emotional if they can’t provide the support I require

Will continue in the next post, thanks for reading.

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Journey to Life Blogs

FREE Self-Help Interviews:
EQAFE Downloads

FREE Self-Development/Life Skills Course:
DIP Lite

Awesome Life & Living Support:
Desteni Website

Desteni Wiki
Desteni Forum