236: ”My Job is So Hard: Let me Feel Bad About Myself”

I started a new job — it’s a lot of work and information processing and I have the tendency of emotionally reacting quite easily towards it. This is what I found and walked:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate me into thinking and believing I have such a hard job and that I should feel really bad for myself and within that want to cry out of self-pity and victimization so I can “feel bad for me”

I realize my labors, my work is something I am allowing myself to get really emotional about, by victimizing myself to continue existing in a self-state of pity and regret instead of allowing myself to face every emotion and feeling existent I have about work so I can understand what is “hurting me emotionally” where I go into such a victimized state

I commit myself to stop victimizing myself and stop talking or thinking of my job as something to feel pity/sorry about, because I realize I am making myself seem helpless, all as an excuse not to work through my problems in writing

I commit myself to stop feeding the systems in me– the emotional systems I have so deeply defined myself as (ie: “an emotional person”) by stopping my participation in emotions of victimization/helplessness towards work because I see that this means I need to stand up and work through my problems

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect emotional overwhelmingness to the thought “(my work) is so hard” where I allow myself to go into a state of victimization towards work/my job by slumping my shoulders as though I am helpless and stuck being in this emotional state and condition for the rest of my life

I realize what is making my job so hard is not the physical labor but the EMOTIONS that I am allowing to continue existing and cycling in me, the emotions and memories/situations I did not walk and deal with myself/find solutions for myself and where I kept myself in a self-pity/self-victimization state for no other reason than as an excuse to act out on self-sabotaging behaviors like eating a lot of sugar/junk food to “de-stress” at the end of the work day

I commit myself to assist and support myself to use writing as the platform to write out every problem and emotion that is about/bothering me about work and find solutions for myself so I do not come into work, leave work and think about work in an emotional state of mind, but that through writing I write out every single problem and instance I need to process/come to terms with and from this, assist me in finding solutions

I will continue in future posts — thanks

Day 223: Walking Me as the Temper-Tantrum Child

This is a continuation of the blog post: Reality Clashing with Desires, where I shared my observations of having frustration/anger/temper tantrum in regards to the idea that getting an apartment on my own with my partner is taking longer than I expected and want.

Now, my partner and I went to a government-sponsored apartment agency the other day with the expectation and idea that at our appointment with the worker they will show us available apartments that we can choose from to check out/look at. What ended up happening was the woman telling us that we need to use their website to get on a waiting list in order to look at the apartments, which is what we have been doing for 2-3 months with the waiting lists already being full. They told us it can take up to 3 years to find an apartment through them, because so many people use their agency.

When I heard of the news and realized we still have to wait to get an apartment, that no apartments are readily available to us, I could feel myself go into the temper tantrum/anger pattern. A strong righteous anger came up from my solar plexus right into my head, it felt like it was behind my forehead. I knew in that instant I was in a possession. I was NOT happy, and I had a very difficult time being calm and stable within the meeting, so I did what I could in that moment to stabilize myself — self-forgiveness, rational thinking, etc.

After the meeting, it was like I was fighting with myself, a part of me wanted to express my dissatisfaction outwardly, but then another part knew that was not right/best because that would indicate I am in reaction, giving my power to the mind/energy, allowing myself to be LESS than energy/the mind/reaction. Though there came a moment where I wanted to express my anger by hitting something. I could actually feel the huge desire to physically hit something, as a way for me to ‘get out’ or express the anger I was existing within, as an outlet, to discharge the energy for a moment. I never had experienced this strong desire to emotionally act out/hit before, plus I see that even if I were to punch a pillow for example, it would only temporarily assist me but the underlying problem (my anger) still needs to be sorted out.  What I did was just breathe through the reaction until I was okay again.

So I am here to sort out this temper tantrum/anger, because I am ‘done’ with it and I have seen how much it has been taking over my life/who I am.  The earliest I can trace this pattern back is to childhood, specifically at my own birthday parties where I can recall I would end up crying at my own birthday party cause I wasn’t ‘satisfied’ with anything.

From what I can remember from childhood, one of the reasons why I was not happy and went into the anger/temper tantrum was because my mom had control over everything: She planned all the activities and events at my party and I had no control or say over how I wanted things to go. I do remember my mom asking me what activity I wanted to do first, but even within that I felt stressed and suffocated in a way. I had no real reference or information on exactly how each activity goes/is played because I wasn’t part of the creation process, so I felt very unsure and uncomfortabe, and I think my mom ended up choosing/deciding for me, and I went along with it.  This is perhaps why I went into a lot of stress and dissatisfaction at the majority of my birthday parties, because I had no role, control/direction or certainty of what is going on within birthday party process. Within that is an anger towards my mom for not considering me to have a role at my party, where she took absolute control without –what I perceive — any regard for me and what I wanted to do.

Okay, I will stop here and continue with more in the next blog. Thanks for reading.

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Day 171: Compromising Yourself for Friends

I will take a pause right now from continuing with my previous blog post titled Why Am I So Tired When I Hang out With Friends Part 2 to write out about some points that came up when I hung out with another group of friends this weekend.

So, what was interesting was that I did not want to hang out with these people in the first place. I had made a decision a while ago within emotional energy to never hang out with them again. I found myself to judge them and what they talked about, what they ate and what we did. I basically felt like I had to do things and participate in things I didn’t want to do and this made me angry. From this, I made the decision to never hang out with them again. However, in December one of the friends contacted me asking me if I want to hang out again, and within me the same energy of the determined decision of “I’m never hanging out with you again” came forth, but I went against that and said “yes…sure…” however, was not completely “for it” within my words .

So my question to myself is: why did I do that even though I told myself to never hang out with them again? Oh, because I’m afraid they will get mad at me if  I tell them I don’t want to hang out with them. I imagined if I were to say that, my friend would feel “hurt” and have a frown on her face, so “I don’t want to make her upset…” .

Now the problem within this is that I compromised myself. I did make a decision but did not completely stick to it. Yes, I understand the decision was based within energy, but was also very sure never to hang out with them again, but when I was asked to hang out with them “fell” within this decision.

So not only was I feeling uncomfortable about hanging out/making plans with this person, but that she wanted to spend the weekend with me with her friend and sister. I went along with it, she and I made some specific plans, and then I got sick, had to reschedule plans, and then the night before they were to come I had a major panic attack where I had difficulty sleeping. With the support from my partner, I found points were related to feeling like I had “no choice” but to hang out with them and believing it’s going to be like a time when I was a child being stuck with these friends and feeling like I have no way out to leave them and becoming emotional about it.

However, this point of “having no choice” to be with them does not align absolutely in reality because I did “have a choice” and I could have cancelled plans if I wanted to, even though if I were to cancel plans they would probably get upset plus I would a lot of waste money on some things we already reserved (showing me how much I trapped myself in shit).

The interesting thing was: I ended up actually enjoying myself with them, and I was very surprised with this, and even looked at what did I make such a big deal about in the first place, I’m having fun…. until it came time for when I wanted to go home, but one of the girls wanted to hang out longer to go shopping, and I stayed with her and from this, saw myself go into backchat, judgements and then the enjoyment started to decrease and I felt like I was back to where I was in the beginning not wanting to be with her. I did not stand up to her within my decision to leave but compromised myself again.

So, one thing I’m going to look at this point of “choice” and having “no choice” when I am out with friends. Also, I will most specifically start going back to my childhood and look at the memories I have there from when this pattern of wanting to please friends/not wanting to get my friend’s mad began, which I can see started when I was in elementary school, about 10-11 years old. This will be most interesting to explore. Thanks for reading!

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Day 163: You Deny Me Sweets – You Make Me Mad

I’ve been doing some personal writings about the time I started to develop an eating problem when I was 15. I had a health problem at the time and a family member started to deny me certain foods to eat because of it. Foods like cakes, ice-cream, sweets I wasn’t allowed to eat. I knew this had to do because of my health problem but I would still react in anger towards them. I felt very helpless, like I had no choice or freedom to eat what I want. The family member it seemed like, had the upper hand, or the controlling hand, giving or rejecting me certain foods.

There was one time when this person and another family member were eating something that I wanted, yet I wasn’t allowed to have it. I remember erupting in anger because I found it wasn’t fair. I remember as my “retaliation” I did the silent treatment. I believed that if I showed my disapproval through the silent treatment I could get what I wanted, but this didn’t turn out so. I was essentially using a manipulation technique many people still use today to either make the other person feel bad or get something out of it. But, I didn’t get anything out of my silent treatment. I didn’t “win.” In fact, I made things worse for myself because I accumulated anger and energy within my body.

The problem within all of this though was that there was never a real communication between me and this family member about my health problem in the first place and the reason they weren’t allowing me to eat certain foods. If I could go back in time, I would have sat down with this family member and talked to them about the health problem and see what are some things I could change in my diet. That way we could work out the kinks and conflicts with the point and find something that would work for the both of us. I could also share/express to this person how I feel about this point. That way the person could see where I was coming from and maybe provide their point of view of things. If I had more direct, equal, and open communication with this family member, I wouldn’t react so much. However, growing up with this person, no such communication existed, and that’s because we haven’t really been taught how to communicate with each other effectively. I mean, the focus in our education system places more emphasis on remembering/regurgitating knowledge and information that is irrelevant to one’s current reality and not practical reality and how to best co-exist with others.

I will share more about this point to come, but I suggest we do a bit of re-education. The links below are awesome resources to get started.

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