Day 210: Defining Myself According to Work-Related Feedback

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am better than another coworker by comparing feedback I received from others to the feedback the coworker received and from this, justify that I am better because of the ideas and beliefs I had previously formed of myself instead of realizing these ideas came from feedback I received from others when I was unsure and insecure of how I was doing at my job instead of taking the feedback as a cool point of support that what I’m doing is in line with my job and not go into ego, believing I am the best coworker at my job

I realize that I have used comparison to define who I am and since I had received more positive feedback than my coworker I went into ego instead of using feedback as a cool cross-reference of how I’m doing within my job, yet through ego I saw myself as being better than another, when in reality that is not true, I am always equal to what is here, even despite if I have received more positive feedback than another on how I’m doing in my job, does not mean I am not better than them

I commit myself to stop comparing feedback I received from others to the feedback I’ve heard about my co-worker as I realize the only feedback that matters is from/of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately take positive feedback from coworkers on how I’m doing to fuel my ego and ideas of myself instead of realizing this feedback is simply from how I’m doing within my job, and that what I am doing is accepted, approved and satisfying within the system, and thus does not actually reflect me, as the entirety of who I am, that for example, if I am doing a good job with something does not define me as a ‘good’ person as I see, realize and understand a ‘good person’ is a person who lives and exists within what is best for all, and thus I realize I have a lot of work to do to become what is best for all, as long as I continue to walk this process in self-honesty for me

I commit myself to stop defining me and who I am according to the feedback I get but to see this feedback as cross-reference with how I am doing with my job and if any improvement is needed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project in my mind my coworkers saying good things about me, comparing me to others in their mind instead of realizing the more I participate in this projection/imagination I am fueling my ego and the ideas I have of myself of being a ‘good person’ /better than others in the job that I do, and within this I realize what I do in my job does not define who I am, it is who I am within the job that I do that matters, thus even if I were to do a perfect job at my work, I can still exist within ‘evil’ participating in backchats, judgments, etc – that which basically fuels abuse and separation in this world

I commit myself to stop myself when I see me use positive feedback according to how I work before it ‘gets to my head’ a.k.a ‘fuel my ego’ and instead shift myself into using/taking that feedback as cool cross-reference that I am doing well

From this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question my participation within projections and thoughts about who I am at work, that I had been fueling my ego through participation in projections, thoughts and beliefs instead of considering who I am and what I am accepting and allowing when I allow myself to separate myself from others by existing in ego, and ego is nasty

When and as I see myself participate and ‘play into’ projections/imaginations and thoughts about who I am as a worker, whether positive or negative, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in the projections/imaginations and thoughts since I realize the more I allow myself to ‘give in’ and participate in my mind the more I am allowing myself to be defined by the mind instead of me defining me, and deciding who I am and how I want to live

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Day 146: Feeling Uncomfortable When Being Complimented About Job Performance

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My supervisor at work said I am doing a “great job” and within me I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to handle or direct the compliment. I am not sure how to feel about it, or what to do when I am given a compliment. Like, I understand ‘thank you’ can be acceptable to say back, but within me I feel quite uncomfortable. I usually do not receive compliments and I don’t really like them.

I remember my previous supervisor also saying to me I am doing a good job and I reacted in fear when he said that because like I said – I didn’t know how to handle/direct that, or how to feel/experience myself. I said thank you – but it was not genuine.

My partner mentioned that this type of ‘compliment’ I received from my supervisor was system feedback – meaning, I was receiving feedback, or a compliment about my work performance within the work/job system. It’s nothing personal – it’s simply that how I was doing in my job was that I exceeded the requirements for performing my job at an acceptable level, and the supervisor wanted to express that to me. It was what I would define a very nice moment from my supervisor. I in a way was touched he open that point up for me because I did not know how I was doing, I was unsure if what how I was doing the job was “okay”, so receiving feedback from him was actually quite nice/cool, however, the way I reacted from that was not cool.
I realize there’s no need for me to react when given a compliment. I do not know exactly why I feel uncomfortable – it could be that I just do not give myself enough credit or recognition, not really wanting to stand equal to the points/parts of me that another sees in me due to ideas and judgments I have of me. I may just be so use to being negative on myself that I do not want to accept that I am doing a good job on something – like what I do is ‘never enough,’ or I should ‘never be happy’ with myself sort of pattern. What would be cool is if I redefine the word “great” for myself at a later stage.

Anyways, what I will do though is continue with working how I do at my job but also look at other ways/means/opportunities to learn and expand myself within what I’m doing so I don’t remain stagnant.

I will walk Self-Forgiveness and Practical Self Corrections in the next blogs.

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