Day 170: Why Am I So Tired When I Hang out with Friends? Part 2

My problem I am facing is not wanting to walk this point of understanding why I get so tired when I’m around this friend, S, of mine. I identified a part of it is because I am insecure about sharing what I see and know to my friend, being open and honest about me, and I must ask myself, well then, why am I still friends with her if I am unable to be myself? To express myself?

From what I understand through an Atlantean interview I listened to, tiredness can be a result of stress, fear and/or anxiety. This makes sense to me because when I am with my friend, S, I do see myself go into these reactions.

One fear that comes up is that if I were to talk/by myself we would have nothing in common and that our values would clash. This is so because what pops up is how she’s into sports and alcohol, and I’m not, but this defines her in limitation because we do have many things in common actually. What I want to do for myself, is next time when I hang out with her, to speak up more, within consideration of my friend/her mind/process and see where it takes me, because otherwise, if I suppress myself or believe that I shouldn’t speak of something for in fear of getting into conflict or having me and my friend ‘clash’ I am compromising myself, suppressing myself, and allowing my fears to ‘win.’

I see I am afraid of the conflict or reactions or the uncomfortable feelings/reactions I would experience if I were to be open and honest about me to my friend. What I will do for myself is to write out a list of the fears I have, identify memories, and then walk self-forgiveness on these fears.


Fears & Memories:

1) Afraid that what I share, specifically points of the world/humanity will be criticized/disagreed with (memory of my sister in the car comes up, memory of me in the car with C and thinking my friend isn’t interested in what I’m talking about and feeling insecure)

2) Afraid of her rejecting me as a friend/not wanting to hang out with me anymore because “we’ve had a long friendship” and “she is the only friend I have.”

These and more points I will walk within the next blog posts sharing my Self-Forgiveness and Self-Realizations. In the meantime, take a listen to this interview below:

https://eqafe.com/p/friends-and-memories-quantum-systemization-part-34

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Day 63: Changing Myself So I Can Maintain a Friendship Self Commitment Statements

This is a continuation from the blog posts: 
1) I Don’t Want to Be Seen as Weak
2) Changing Myself So I Can Maintain a Friendship

I commit myself to investigate all areas of my life where I am compromising myself / changing myself as my self-expression for friends through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to assist and support myself to align myself back to self-expression.

I commit myself to investigate the fears I have within my friendships through which I find I change / compromise myself because of it through writing, self- forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I commit myself to look into and explore what it was that made me cling onto my friend so much as a child – what was it that she had within herself that I had not accepted within myself and from that, find a practical solution to actually LIVE that point myself.

I commit myself to look into how I am existing now within my friendships and through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application assist and support myself to align myself into someone Best for All within all my interactions with my friends.

I commit myself to investigate who I am in my interactions with friends, specifically how I talk and what I talk about, and through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application assist and support myself to become an effective person within my interactions with friends.

I commit myself to investigate how I see and define myself according to friends and assist and support myself through the Desteni tools to stop all limitations that I exist in and as.

I commit myself to write down all the fears I have – especially prominent fears that come up / exist within me every day and assist and support myself to stop those fears through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application so I can LIVE and walk my life with no fear.

I commit myself to investigate all areas / memories / moments of my life where I have blamed the outcome of an event or situation on another – such as for example, me blaming my friend for ending our friendship instead of looking at how I contributed to the point – so I commit to bring the point back to me and take responsibility for my part in the outcome / situation / event as the situation / event / outcome couldn’t have happened without my participation.

I commit myself to use the tools of writing, self-forgiveness and self corrective application to assist and support myself to interact with others as me, as self expression.

I commit myself to stop compromising myself for others as an attempt to please them by investigating why and how I do such things in my daily life and assist and support myself through the tools of writing, self-forgiveness and self corrective application.

I commit myself to let go of all the points that I keep holding onto to justify why I should be angry and blame my friend for ending the relationship because I realize that I was an integral part of why the relationship ended and holding onto the anger and blame will not and cannot change the past, as it already happened, so best to just let it go.



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Day 62: Changing Myself So I Can Maintain a Friendship

This is a continuation from my previous blog post: I Don’t Want to Be Seen as Weak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change who I am as my self expression to fit in with what I perceived was acceptable in a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my self expression because I was in fear of losing my friendship with X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself into a certain personality so I could maintain a friendship with a girl that I so desperately wanted to be friends with because I saw she liked me and accepted me but because I feared being alone without her I made sure to form and shape myself as someone different than who I was so I could continue to be liked by her, not realizing that she accepted me as who I was in the beginning of our relationship, and it was only after I began changing and forming myself into a personality did the relationship become strained and emotional.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the consequences that would manifest when I started changing myself into a personality out of fear of losing my friendship with X in that I would not only suppress myself as my expression as who I am but would also sabotage the friendship/relationship with X as a personality driven by fear which can only lead to negative consequences, which would thus not be supportive for me or my friend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to such an extent of changing myself and suppressing my self expression just to maintain a friendship with a girl because of the fear of losing my friendship/relationship with her instead of realizing that I was already friends with her and established a cool relationship with her simply from my interaction as my expression with her so there was really no point to change myself, yet I see that I did change because I accepted and allowed myself to fear losing her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing X as a friend because that would mean I would be by myself and have to be with myself, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to X to such an extent that I feared losing her because I feared losing a part of me as who I am if she ever left me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the negative emotions of devastation and shock when X didn’t want to be friends with me anymore instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I actually created and manifested my fear of losing her as a friend.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the fact that it was me who was responsible for the end of my relationship with X because it was due to an accumulation of me compromising myself and shaping/forming myself into a personality that I believe I needed to be to maintain my friendship with X instead of realizing that I didn’t have to do that because X accepted me just as I was in the beginning of our relationship when it was just me interacting with her – no personalities involved.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I was the reason why I made my relationship with X so difficult because I so desperately formed/molded/shaped myself into a personality that I thought I needed to be according to how I perceived X wanted to me to be instead of simply interacting with X as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself when I was with X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame X as the reason why the friendship was ruined instead of seeing that I was an integral part of it and I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have given myself the opportunity to turn the situation/ending of friendship back onto myself and look into how I manifested and contributed to the end of the friendship, but did not want to look into or consider and take responsibility for the fact that I created this experience/situation myself – therefore, I was the one at fault since it was me who compromised the relationship because I compromised myself, especially since I see that X was who she was as her expression during the entire time – there was no compromise, she was herself, so it was me who directed the friendship to its inevitable end due to me compromising myself and not seeing the consequences of such actions.

More to come…

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Day 61: I Don’t Want to Be Seen As Weak

I see this point started when I was in fifth grade when I became friends with X and Y. I see that I wanted to maintain and stay friends with X but as Y as a ‘rival’ because she had been friends with X longer and to me seemed like X liked her more, so being with X I had a continuous fear that somehow I was going to lose my friendship with her so I began changing myself and my personality so she could ‘like me’ more but this did backfire because she began to not like me and also I became uncomfortable within myself because I saw what I was doing yet because I wanted to be friends with her I kept compromising myself. For example, I got invited to X’s birthday party and I really didn’t want to go but I felt like I had to go because if not I our relationship/friendship would end. So when I did go to the party I really didn’t enjoy myself and really regretted it.

Looking at it now, I didn’t have any other friends to be with in fifth grade so I stuck with X for fear of having no one else to really talk to and hang out with. I stuck with X because I knew her from the fourth grade and she accepted me and was nice to me most of the time. With the other classmates in fifth grade I didn’t really get along with anyone… no one ‘stood out’ to me; there was no one I connected with.

There is that survival point — like making sure I have friends because if I don’t I will look weak or not be accepted in my environment so in school I had to make sure I looked ‘okay’ at all times by having friends. This is where I can see a personality started, from this fear of looking weak, of not looking “okay” and I need to be seen ‘strong’ and ‘okay,’ by having friends and be accepted in my environment so I do not physically manifest my fears of looking weak.

I made sure throughout my school years to not to look weak at all and did what I could to look strong and okay. I was disregarding and ignoring myself by putting on such a personality trying to maintain this friendship with X that obviously wasn’t supporting me at all but I continued with it cause I had no one else to hang out with and I feared being alone and be seen weak/vulnerable.

Okay, so I will take responsibility for these points and apply Self Forgiveness in the next blog post, thanks.

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