227. Expressing and Standing in my Words

Continuation from:
Day 224: To become a Leader… 
Day 225: Fear of Being Disliked
Day 226: Who am I if I Just Want to Please Others?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so afraid about expressing myself and who I am really in front of others because I am afraid to be judged and criticized, thus indicating to me that I have yet to be able to stand in my own shoes and be able to stand within what I express/speak, because I realize if I am really 100% absolute in what I speak of and stand for, and am that exactly, then others words should not influence/effect me because I would know who I am

I commit myself to investigate the memories, thoughts and emotions that are hindering/preventing me from being able to stand within who I am and what I stand for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of speaking to friends about politics and how the world is really not a great place, that there is some serious shit we as humanity need to fix because I am afraid they are going to counter act or fight against what I speak and share because of memories of family members speaking up against what I have found in this world

I commit myself to walk through the memories and fears I have of when my mom and I got into a conflict after something I had intimatly expressed with her because I realize I found it to really be a vulnerable part of me that I hadn’t expressed with my mom before and did but then took her reactions/responses to what I’ve shared personally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking about solutions to the world system to my mother because I fear she not agreeing with me, and actually making me feel like I’m dumb and stupid, not realizing only I can make myself feel that way, that I can only make me believe and feel stupid for speaking up

I commit myself to realize that what I stand for — which is a solution of creating a world best for all, which starts with changing the money system, is going to take a lot of courage and guts to stick with and stand for this since it goes against many people’s programming and thoughts about how the world works, but because I know it is the only way to really bring a world best for all, it is my responsibility as a human being to make sure that I am clear with what I stand for, to be that +1 of support, so that whatever anyone says to me I do not crumble into criticism or judgement, but stand with who I am and what I support

I do stand for a money system where all are taken care of, where all are provided enough financially to live comfortable lives. Of course that is not what we have today and many people may actually disagree with having such a system, but I would like one, and it takes courage to stand up for something like this because it is new, it is different, and is something that will make big differences in the lives of others, I simply can see that I have fears of hearing others words of disagreement and judgement towards what I stand for

Within this, I realize that the criticism, judgements and fears I’m afraid people are to say to me, like me being dumb or stupid for supporting such a cause/group/way is because I have personal connections, memories and associations to the words dumb and stupid, where I allow those words to really affect me and thus I require to redefine them, so from this, I commit myself to redefine the words DUMB and STUPID

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having others shut me down and criticize me, mocking me for what I stand for, not realizing I have yet to build the strength within me to be able to NOT allow others words get to me, and that this indicates that I require more education and understanding to strengthen and build myself and my stance so that when or if others ask questions, or criticize or judge what I have shared/expressed I have information and/or preparation on how to direct myself in such situations

I commit myself to assist and support me to build inner strength within what I stand and do, and I first do this by writing out what I stand for, and then work with how to stand with what I stand for and prepare myself for any back lash or conflict from others on my expression by understanding my weaknesses first so that I turn my weaknesses into strengths

Within this, I see, realize and understand I simply need to educate myself more on what exactly I stand for, and walk through any fears, emotions, and thoughts I have towards what others may think or say about what I stand for, to prepare myself and give myself direct on what I will do and say when/if situations of conflict or discussion occur, where I express myself completely within consideration of my words, behavior and interaction with others, so I do not compromise myself and stick to what I see is self-honest and best for all in the moment

I commit myself to educate myself more on my mind, the mind consciousness system in general, and solutions to our global money system so that I have more knowledge and information to support me in my decisions of where I stand and what I stand for

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Educational & Supportive Websites:
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Self & Living: Solutions to Personal Every Day Problems
EQAFE.com  Self-Improvement Interviews
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Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it’s Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships

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226. Who Am I if I Just Want to Please Others?

Continuing from:
Day 224: To become a Leader…
Day 225: Fear of Being Disliked

I read through my previous blog and saw how easily I have connected talking to women to wanting to become friends with them, and giving value into that point, like when I talk to other women around my age or those I connect with, there is this desire to become friends with them or have a close relationship-friendship with them. I am also considering this may be in relation to fear of being alone, but that is a separate point I will look into later.

I attended a meeting and met three women I haven’t seen in a few days and there was the desire to have them like me. I can see I was afraid they were going to judge me and from that judgement not like me if I did not keep up with a smile and nice words.

What if for example they didn’t like me?

To imagine this scenario, I can see I would be very concerned and worried cause I would want to know WHY they don’t like me. Why do I care about WHY they don’t like me? Because maybe I could change or learn something about how I am around people that I may need to use when I walk into social situations with other women, cause I want to make sure that when I interact with others that what I am doing and saying is okay and will be accepted and approved in the group.

So here I can see a few points: One is that behind the worry and concern I want to create and change myself into someone who is perfect in every way so that whoever I talk to, I speak and express in a way that will create an outcome where they will like me, entirely, within everything I say and do.

Now looking at this point, that is so unrealistic. Even if I were to be self-honest, and do what I see is best, and speak in common sense, I may trigger some movements or reactions in others and so, those reactions and movements are for self to take responsibility for, and that they may not like me for that, for triggering points in them.

The point I see here is that I would want to shape myself according to what I think and perceive would please other people, but my god, then where am I in this equation? Meaning, if my intention is to be someone that pleases another, then I don’t even give myself the space to express me when I speak to others, but that I communicate to others based on how I think they would want me to communicate and be to them. So I would be giving up my self expression just to please or benefit other’s and their minds. I can see how I have existed in this point for most of my life, is this tendency to change and shape myself and my words in a way so that people will like me, or that I will please them and their minds enough where they will see me in a positive way/light.

So now comes my question is how to be me when I am around others? To express and be me and share my words and common sense, expressing me while taking my words, actions and others into consideration to create an outflow best for all without the fear of other’s reactions.

So it’s like the age-old question: Who are you?

Who am I if I have been someone who pleases others and shapes myself to please others just so I can avoid conflict, people not liking me, and being alone? Who am I as a leader, expressing and changing myself according to what other people want from me and think of me?

Will continue more in the next blog…

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Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
Self & Living: Solutions to Personal Every Day Problems
EQAFE.com  Self-Improvement Interviews
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Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it’s Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Rela

Day 215: The Fear that Drives My Stress in Work

I am working on a project currently and my stress levels have been very high. Who I am within and walking this project has been stressed, and I see it beneficial to actually write out the problem so I can find a solution for myself. I do see that it is a personality pattern I’m holding onto and existing as, but it needs to be deprogrammed because it is causing stress within me and my body where my breathing becomes shallow, my chest constricts and I pressure myself into expectations of what needs to be done within a certain period of time instead of actually walking this project step by step, stopping projections and just being here.

This requires me to re-define and walk the word PATIENCE as well as understanding this personality-system more. So let me start.

I react in fear towards the idea that this project needs to be completed today, but this is actually irrational because this project is large and thus requires a lot of time to build. Then I have this idea that I cannot relax, I need to be stressed about this because I’m afraid if I relax my job will not be completed to the level or extent I think/believe it would be if I were stressed. This comes from an idea of when I was in school around middle school age when I would work for hours on a school project, constantly focused and in a state of stress and really thinking that that is what drives me to do my best. One example is that in high school during lunch I realized a paper for Spanish class was due next class so within the 45 minutes I had I typed up a complete paper and got an A on it. So from there I thought and believed that I can do good on these projects IF I remain in a certain state of mind, which in my case, is a particular form of STRESS.

The stress is specific. It is like a constant focus, a drive within that comes from a fear, fear of losing out, and I do not let me take a break unless it’s bathroom or food, but I am in a ‘zone’ or state of mind where I am driven by this fear and push as this stress to do my best work.

This way of working, while stressed, can really push an individual to do many things, however, the stress and pressure from the mind involved in the body is not supportive. So how can I create a relationship to the work I do to make it stress-free and also do my best work without that energy of fear? I first need to de-program this point, so here is Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear towards the idea that my project needs to be completed today because of the fear that if it isn’t than someone else’s project similar to mine might come into manifestation/fruition and be better

When and as I see myself react in fear to the idea that I must finish my project today/soon, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in the fear because I realize that this project needs to be walked step by step and will be built through time to become a project with my work imvolved, thus I realize this project will take time and will not be done in a day or week, but will take an accumulation of days and work for it to be substantial

I commit myself to walk this project step by step, one point at a time, breathing through and letting go/forgiving any fears or ideas that come up towards this point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear another’s project may be ‘better’ than mine because I fear losing out in having more attention, fame, and money instead of realizing my starting point is more geared towards self-interest instead of genuine intent of doing this project for me in assisting and supporting me to expand within who I am and what I do

When ans as I see myself go into fearing another’s project to be or eventually become better than mine, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back to the reason why I started this project, that it is a project I want to do for me and others to better assist those in the country I am living in, thus I commit myself to forgive/let go of desires of my project becoming the best because I realize then my whole starting point is in competition/fear and not genuine support, so I commit to practice sticking to my starting point of doing this project for/as me instead of others/in separation of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire so much to be famous and to have a lot of money with my project so I can feel comfortable and safe with my life, knowing that I have enough money to buy whatever I may need to fit my needs and desires so I don’t live a life in fear and survival

When and as I see myself desire to be famous and to have enough money to live comfortably, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in the desire as I realize it is coming from a fear of survival, so I commit myself to remind myself of my financial stability/that I have all I need and to stop allowing myself to go off in thoughts of worry and fear of not being able to make enough or have enough money since I see I do have enough to live comfortably at this stage

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I need to move fast with this project or else I won’t be able to gain the attention and possible profit I may get if I were to be slow with it or not get it by the end of the week instead of realizing that I fear losing money and oppurtunites that ‘could have been’ if I have just gotten them done sooner

When and as I see myself desire to move FAST because I fear losing out on an opportunity that can bring me wealth and/or fame, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in this fear because I realize it is a program to keep me in a continuous state of stress and I realize that does not help me or my body, so I commit myself to simply work on the project for/as me in self-enjoyment and expansion and embrace any oppurtunites that may come, not think or wish about them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear finding out that my project is not good enough or not completed in enough time because another has created an even better project than me and recieves the attention, fame and money that I have wanted with this and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing out on an opportunity of attention, fame and money

When and as I see myself fear or project another having or creating a better project than me and receiving more attention/fame/money than me, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in fear or projections of this point since I realize they do nothing but drive me into stress and competition, so from this I commit myself to stop giving in or feeding into projections or fears of someone doing a better job on the project than me and focus on this project is assisting and supporting myself to expand in my skills and awareness

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration the many other individuals involved with similar projects as me, many of them coming before me and already having successful projects publicly available and praised and within this I see a desire is existent within me where I want to be at the ‘top’ so I am the ‘best’ because I want to feel ‘safe’ with where I’m at in terms of financial stability

I commit myself to remain humble within my project-process by focusing on expanding my skills

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myslf to see, realize and understand how I exist within a fear of losing money or not having enough money and fearing that the money I ask to borrow or recieve from another will go away

I commit myself to investigate the fear of losing money, not having enough money and fearing the money I ask to borrow from or receive will go away through self-honesty, writing and self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to a memory where I waited in line for several hours to buy concert tickets with a huge desire and stress to getting really good seats only to realize after waiting in line so long they don’t take credit card so I had to go to the machine and take out cash, thus losing my opportunity to get good seats at the concert I really wanted to go to and having to wait back in line again and then finding out they only had lawn seats available, and within this —

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so angry, incredibly angry at not getting what I wanted because of not having the information or knowledge that the box office only accepts cash because I was stressed to begin with seeing all the people in line, and even projecting and imagining all the other girls my age standing in line for tickets and how it is such a competition to get good seats and how it’s ‘not fair’ I couldn’t get good seats after waiting in line for so long and wanting so badly to get good seats so I could be close to my favorite singer. I see, realize and understand that because I lost my oppurtunity to be ‘first’ and get really good seats compared to other girls, I really reacted in anger because my whole starting point was to be first so I could get the best seat, and within this I see, realize and understand I had been angry over the fact I was stressing out over something beyond my control in that I cannot have my desires manifest the way I want them to, I must take reality into consideration and that thousands of girls were probably in my situation, wanting the best seat at the concert and waiting several hours in line to get them, so even if I were first or in the beginning of the line does not mean I will get better seats than other girls around the country also in lines. I realize that this entire world system lives and breathes competition, it is what we have programmed ourselves in because of FEAR of LOSING OUT/MISSING OUT/NOT SURVIVING

I commit myself to understand and find solutions to stopping the competition that exists within me since I realize it comes from fears of losing out/missing out/survival and thus I allow it to drive me into stress and acting out in certain ways towards my work and what I do.

I also see, realize and understand there is a drive within me of COMPETITION, of wanting to be the BEST and getting to things FIRST, because if you are FIRST you are the BEST and at THE TOP. So, I can see this drive and stress within is from competition, wanting to have the best project, fearing to lose out on opportunities.

Funny how I associate being competitive to being a male, so not wanting to acknowledge or identify within myself this ‘competitive streak’ within me of wanting to be the best/be at the top. Fascinating this opened up!

More to be continued. Thanks for reading.

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Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools 

Day 211: Health Paranoia

One of the problems I have been having is being distracted by health articles and recipes. I do find myself very drawn to the health field, with tons of health info and recipes on my Facebook feed, all for me to look at and within that is this desire to learn and know everything –all recipes, and health information so I feel complete within, like I know everything, but gosh that is so far from the truth because new information comes in every second online, new recipes, etc, so it is impossible for me to know everything when this world is constantly changing and evolving, so new information inevitably comes forth. I can never be ‘full’ with all information in the world.

So, what I’m looking at here is priorities and what’s important. What’s important is investing time and my life into creating myself and this world into a place best for all. That is what I see as important, as worth, but my problem has been a shift in focus from working on myself to indulging in tons of health info and recipes, because of this desire to learn more, to know more, because there is a fear that I may not know something, like a cure or treatment if I or someone around me were to become sick and then the ‘worst’ happens where they die and I’m left in regret ‘if I had known about this cure…this treatment…’ So there is a fear that there will come a moment where I could have known a fact or a tip on something to cure someone/an illness/health problem but because I didn’t, me or someone in my life falls very ill and/or dies. This I know comes from memories like when I was on antibiotics and very ill and having to find my own way in healing, which I will write about soon.

To continue, some things I can see in relation to health articles I read is, let’s say there is a health article on a herb that can cure vitamin deficiencies. Now I saw this a few days ago and I thought to myself, and recognized in myself I have some vitamin deficiencies, because it has been confirmed by my doctor in the past, so I said let me look at this, and now I know that (according to the article) cumin oil is ‘meant to cure all vitamin deficiences.’ See, so I know that and it makes me feel good to know that, however, am I going to apply this information to my life? No. Why? Because I am not sure how my body will react to the cumin oil and also I am not sure if I have such severe vitamin deficencies I should take this and also because I am unsure taking this without a medical profession’s consent.

So, really, I can see I don’t need to have this information within me if I know I am not going to use it, but what holds me back is WHAT IF I NEED IT, what if I need that info, where me or someone in my life is suffering with severe vitamin definecies and they don’t know what to do, well then I can come in and help them and tell them about cumin oil. Then I feel good because I have given them (what I think) is the answer, but that is only according to ONE ARTICLE, ONE SOURCE of information.

Sure, cumin oil may help, but I haven’t tested it myself, and I haven’t gone through a medical profession for it, so I am using an article’s knowledge and information on it, and I am believing this article without actually cross- referencing with myself, my body and/or a medical profession! So therefore, do I really need to hold onto that info, if I am not a medical profession and/or have never used the cumin oil myself? No, there is no point to hold onto such info.

Looking at this more, if a person with severe vitamin deficiences came up to me asking for help or advice or which direction they should go I would point them in a direction of a medical profession, specifically a homeopath or naturopath because through my own PERSONAL EXPERIENCE I have found these professionals supportive for me and my body, and that is really it, because the knowlegde and info I have gained through reading articles online really is pointless if I have not tested it for me/have not walked the point myself and also am not a medical profession or cross-referenced with one. The best advice I can give to a person in need of physical help is to first check to see if I can provide them with support through my own personal experience and then reccommend they see the above mentioned medical professionals.

Thus then, all that time reading up on health articles, being distracted by such a wealth of health info out there — is any of it actually contributing to me, or is it just becoming a distraction? I can most certainly see it as a distraction because if I genuinely wanted to look something up because I want to find answers/solutions to a problem, I would. Though in my case I had allowed myself to get caught up in a sea of health info, all as a point of distraction from the real thing — working on myself, creating my life, and working on creating a world best for all.

So, the point I am highlighting here that I am aware of in my writing is that I have been distracted by health articles and info because of a deep fear of having me or someone in my life become drastically ill and die and then I am left with regret because I could have known certain health info that could have saved me/them. So when I go on my Facebook news feed I ‘drink up’ as much knowledge and info I can so I can prepare myself for any possible sickness/illness in my life and know the treatments. Thus, I formed a paranoia, a fear, an obsession within wanting to know everything, and ‘I am not satisfied’ until I know all treatments and cures for each health problem and issue so that if me or someone becomes ill/sick I know what to do to ‘save them.’

I will explore memories and walk Self-Forgiveness on points mentioned within this blog in the next posts. Thanks for reading!

 
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Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
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Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it’s Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
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Day 207: Underestimating Language Skills

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when someone asks me a question in German to automatically say to them ‘I speak English’ instead of actually listening to what they just asked and see if I can comprehend them and answer back before I automatically give up within myself and say I speak English.

I see realize and understand that the last 2 questions I got from strangers in stores I actually did understand them if I had given myself a moment or two to comprehend/translate it in my head, but because I had already formed a belief and fear that I can’t/won’t be able understand them, i gave up and told them I speak English.

When and as someone asks me a question in German and I see myself go into fear of not being able to understand them, I stop, I breathe and I let the fear go and see if I can actually understand what they just asked because I realize the last two situations I’ve had with German speakers was that I actually did understand what they asked but automatically and easily said ‘I speak English.’ I realize I am underestimating myself with my German skills, that I so easily give up within myself instead of giving myself a chance to interact in German, so I commit myself to assist and support myself to expand my German communication skills by being open to questions and interactions from German speakers, and continue to study/practice the language, as I see this will assist me in becoming more confident with the language.

I commit to give myself a few moments when someone asks me a question in German to first test my understanding and if I do not understand them or can’t answer back, then I honestly communicate to them that I don’t know, I speak English.

Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
EQAFE.com  Free Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it’s Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools 

Day 205: Who Am I Without My Mother?

Continuing from:
Who Am I Alone?

It was the first night my family was gone and I knew I would be seeing them tomorrow. I just had to hop on a plane. The first reaction that comes up is fear because I project through my mind my mom not being around. She has always been someone who has always provided support in the household, whether it’s cooking or cleaning up a mess I made, she was always there, eventually ‘picking up after me.’ Now, that she was not there, it was as if I experienced a shock of not having that external support around me, and then the fear comes up of not knowing what to do with myself. I felt very empty inside like I lost or left a part of myself with my mother, like that support she has always given me was not around. So there was this illusionary experience of feeling/being empty, like half empty. Then there was the anxiety of not knowing what to do, but then a stress within projecting everything I needed to do that day came up because I had to prepare and pack for a flight tomorrow. I still had not yet sorted out or directed the fear point of not having my mother or family members as that external support of being around, and I started to feel unwell about it when I did my errands. It’s interesting cause I realize if I had given myself some time to do some writing before I went off to do errands, then maybe I wouldn’t have gotten so sick because through the writing I would have been able to see more clearly why I am reacting in fear and be able to direct it. Eventually as I walked my errands, I started to get a pain the bridge of my nose indicating sinus pressure. The pain then spread as a headache across my forehead and then I started to feel ill. When I got home I became so dizzy I threw up. I dealt with a stomach ache and nausea that entire night and the next morning. Then interestingly enough, once I got off the plane and greeted my mother and family the nausea went away and I felt fine.

Underlying points within the memory:

–React in fear towards a projection of my mom disappearing from me, no longer being around

–Fear of no longer having anyone to help instead of realizing that if I require help I trust that I will find the means to do so/to find help

–Fear/anxiety of not knowing what to do with myself/having lack of self-trust having depended on others to move me/direct me

–That who I depended on not being there, feel empty, like a part of me left

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to a projection of my mother suddenly disappearing from me because I have connected no longer having my mother around to it being something scary because I realize I have depended on my mother so much and gave so much trust to her in taking care of me I have not allowed myself to develop the skills necessary to live/be on my own which is why imagining her disappearing from my life I see it as being unable to live without her

From this, I commit myself to investigate where I need to educate myself so I become confident living within the world system since I realize I have allowed myself to depend on others to take care of me and my survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am incapable of taking care of myself alone because I have depended on another instead of realizing the responsibility of my part that I believed myself to be fine living and depending on another instead of realizing there will come a time when I cannot depend on them forever as death comes to each one of us

I commit myself to understand the reality of death and to never take anyone or anything for granted in terms of depending on them to not take responsibility for myself but to learn from them/others and assist myself in understanding how to live on this planet in a way where I can live effectively

So thus, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept the reality that I cannot depend on my mother for the rest of my life, that it will get to the point where I cannot depend on her anymore, thus

I commit myself to use the realization that I cannot depend on my mother for the rest of my life as motivation to start living and understanding myself and how to work/live in this system, how to essentially ‘grow up’ and learn how this world works since it’ll get to a point where my mom will not be here anymore

Will continue in the next blog post…thanks for reading!

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Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
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DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it’s Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools 

Day 204: Who Am I Alone?

An interesting point opened up for me where I was asked if I had looked at the fear of being alone. This question came up after I discussed some personal points with the person about how I have had difficulty stabilizing myself while living here in a foreign country. This brought up a memory where my family went on a short holiday while I stayed home to work and I ended up getting sick because I was so anxious being alone without them.

So this will be an interesting journey as I explore this point.

Let me first dissect a memory where I could see myself really reacting to being alone:

It was the first night my family was gone and I knew I would be seeing them tomorrow. I just had to hop on a plane. The first reaction that comes up is fear because I project through my mind my mom not being around. She has always been someone who has always provided support in the household, whether it’s cooking or cleaning up a mess I made, she was always there, eventually ‘picking up after me.’ Now, that she was not there, it was as if I experienced a shock of not having that external support around me, and then the fear comes up of not knowing what to do with myself. I felt very empty inside like I lost or left a part of myself with my mother, like that support she has always given me was not around. So there was this illusionary experience of feeling/being empty, like half empty. Then there was the anxiety of not knowing what to do, but then a stress within projecting everything I needed to do that day came up because I had to prepare and pack for a flight tomorrow. I still had not yet sorted out or directed the fear point of not having my mother or family members as that external support of being around, and I started to feel unwell about it when I did my errands. It’s interesting cause I realize if I had given myself some time to do some writing before I went off to do errands, then maybe I wouldn’t have gotten so sick because through the writing I would have been able to see more clearly why I am reacting in fear and be able to direct it.

Eventually as I walked my errands, I started to get a pain the bridge of my nose indicating sinus pressure. The pain then spread as a headache across my forehead and then I started to feel ill. When I got home I became so dizzy I threw up. I dealt with a stomach ache and nausea that entire night and the next morning. Then interestingly enough, once I got off the plane and greeted my mother and family the nausea went away and I felt fine.

The extent to which emotions can influence the body is astounding. This realization came through after a Destonian showed me how one can put so much pressure on the body through emotions/being emotional one can become sick, the body can handle only so much, so that is why it is so important to move and direct yourself IMMEDIATELY when emotions come up within you. This I have now taken seriously after having dealt with random health issues and experiences for the last 6 months. That I really cannot any more allow myself and my body to go through pressure of emotions due my own participation within them. So far I have been practising being more aware of myself, breathing, and using self-forgiveness when I see an emotion/energy movement come up inside me. It is tough because I have noticed points where I didn’t want to say Self-Forgiveness and let go of the point which means I need to look deeper into it.

So, I am going to walk the Alone point now in this blog since it is relevant to what is going on now in my life.

In the next blog post I will continue with dissecting the memory and walking Self-Forgiveness.

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