225: Fear of Being Disliked

One of the points I want to focus on tonight is how as an organizer of a women’s group I have a fear of being disliked, or not liked by other women of the group.

This is something I have observed today when I met with one of my co-organizers and upon meeting her there was there very slight unsettling feeling/experience within me where I really had this desire to be liked by her, worrying and wondering if she likes me. I would observe her behavior, and for example when I saw she crossed her leg closest to mine over her other leg I took it as a sign that she was closing herself off to me and I went into a worry over what I did or what I may have been or looked like that made her close herself off at me. Thoughts within insecurity, worry and concern start coming up, where I question myself, and then thoughts of self-judgement and belief of ”I am awkward,” in relationships come up…I saw what I was doing in the moment and I knew this was a programmed pattern, that I did not have to believe in it, I saw the bullshit of it and I did not give into it completely, but I knew that the point was still there, I knew that the underlying problem/point of the fear of the women disliking me is what needs to be investigated.

If I am to be a solid, stable organizer of a group the least of my concerns should be about whether someone ”likes me,” I know it should not take over my awareness, me being here, organizing and interacting with the members in the group, but it currently exists in me so I am here to look into it.

So I will first begin with Self-Forgiveness over my interaction today with another woman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear, worry and concern over another’s behavior where they crossed their closest leg to me over their knee because I believe that is a sign they are closing themselves off to me and I took that personally thinking I did something that made them feel uncomfortable because that is not what I want them to be — I want them to be comfortable with me, yet I did not realize that I did not take into consideration that the other does not know me as well I do so they walk their own process of being comfortable with me thus I assist and support myself to simply do what I can to be myself within consideration of who I am in this moment with another

When and as I see another cross their leg away from me and I go into thinking they don’t like me, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I only get this idea because of psychology information that this behavior means the person is closing themselves off, or in the case of males, they are in ego, but that I should not take such information to heart and personally, because I realize that I am giving too much attention and concern over whether another person likes me instead of focusing on what matters and what the issue is at hand and whether I am being supportive to myself another, so from this, I commit myself to assist and support myself to simply let this fear/worry/concern over another’s crossed behavior go and simply focus on what matters, which is the physical, what’s going on in the physical and who I am in this moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take another’s behavior personally where I interpret I am the reason they are closing themselves off to me, that somehow it is my fault that they are like this not realizing that I cannot expect another to like me immediately and warm up to me immediately — each has their own process to walk of self-comfortability in interaction with others and the best I can do is to be as stable and supportive as possible for myself and another

I commit myself to assist and support myself to remind myself when I am with others and see myself fall into insecurity, worry and concern over why another’s behavior is not looking so open and warm to me, to not take it personally, because I know I want them to be open and like me, but I cannot expect that they will be like this since they are in their own process, so I let the worry/concern go and just focus on me and what’s going on in the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I did something wrong to make the other person not like me or be as open to me as I would like them to be, giving so much attention/worry/concern over another I am not even looking at me and who I am giving my power to: my mind of worry and concern about others instead of focusing on me and who I am and whether I want to be like this

When and as I see myself go so quick into worrying that I may have caused another to be upset with me — that I am the reason why they don’t like me or is not open with me, I stop and I breathe. I realize I am giving my energy and attention to too much worry and concern over others instead of assessing for myself who I am in this moment and if what I am doing and being is supportive. From this I commit myself to assist and support myself to stabilize myself through times where I give my power away to concern/worry about others by directing myself to who I want to be in this moment, which is someone who doesn’t give a shit about what others think of them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be awkward because I believe and have this idea I am not good with friends, that I cannot keep a long friendship, I cannot have or get a connection with another female because I am ‘just awkward’ not realizing that I want and desire a cookie-cutter friendship that I have seen personally and on TV/magazines where girls are just so close with each other and do everything together, like sisters, but as friends, and I realize that is what I had wanted as a child, and I envied two girls who had that connection and life/friendship with each other and I wanted that because I really believed that is what would fulfill me in that moment, is that sort of friendship/connection, not realizing that such connections/friendships are limited and to only fill a void that is a result of self separating words from self, which means I have many words to realign myself to become fulfilled within me, in fact

I commit myself to assist and support myself to redefine FRIENDSHIP and also see what words I have separated myself from that I see female friendships possess that I want to stand and live equal to

When and as I see myself believe me to be awkward around female relationships/friendships as a form of judgement, I stop and I breathe. I realize I am not 100% comfortable with myself around others, like females, and this is because I have some past issues to work with when it comes to female friendships, so I use this opportunity to assist and support myself to stabilize myself while interacting with females and work with my friendship points so that I am stable and comfortable with myself when I interact with other women

Will continue in the next blog post…

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