Day 223: Walking Me as the Temper-Tantrum Child

This is a continuation of the blog post: Reality Clashing with Desires, where I shared my observations of having frustration/anger/temper tantrum in regards to the idea that getting an apartment on my own with my partner is taking longer than I expected and want.

Now, my partner and I went to a government-sponsored apartment agency the other day with the expectation and idea that at our appointment with the worker they will show us available apartments that we can choose from to check out/look at. What ended up happening was the woman telling us that we need to use their website to get on a waiting list in order to look at the apartments, which is what we have been doing for 2-3 months with the waiting lists already being full. They told us it can take up to 3 years to find an apartment through them, because so many people use their agency.

When I heard of the news and realized we still have to wait to get an apartment, that no apartments are readily available to us, I could feel myself go into the temper tantrum/anger pattern. A strong righteous anger came up from my solar plexus right into my head, it felt like it was behind my forehead. I knew in that instant I was in a possession. I was NOT happy, and I had a very difficult time being calm and stable within the meeting, so I did what I could in that moment to stabilize myself — self-forgiveness, rational thinking, etc.

After the meeting, it was like I was fighting with myself, a part of me wanted to express my dissatisfaction outwardly, but then another part knew that was not right/best because that would indicate I am in reaction, giving my power to the mind/energy, allowing myself to be LESS than energy/the mind/reaction. Though there came a moment where I wanted to express my anger by hitting something. I could actually feel the huge desire to physically hit something, as a way for me to ‘get out’ or express the anger I was existing within, as an outlet, to discharge the energy for a moment. I never had experienced this strong desire to emotionally act out/hit before, plus I see that even if I were to punch a pillow for example, it would only temporarily assist me but the underlying problem (my anger) still needs to be sorted out.  What I did was just breathe through the reaction until I was okay again.

So I am here to sort out this temper tantrum/anger, because I am ‘done’ with it and I have seen how much it has been taking over my life/who I am.  The earliest I can trace this pattern back is to childhood, specifically at my own birthday parties where I can recall I would end up crying at my own birthday party cause I wasn’t ‘satisfied’ with anything.

From what I can remember from childhood, one of the reasons why I was not happy and went into the anger/temper tantrum was because my mom had control over everything: She planned all the activities and events at my party and I had no control or say over how I wanted things to go. I do remember my mom asking me what activity I wanted to do first, but even within that I felt stressed and suffocated in a way. I had no real reference or information on exactly how each activity goes/is played because I wasn’t part of the creation process, so I felt very unsure and uncomfortabe, and I think my mom ended up choosing/deciding for me, and I went along with it.  This is perhaps why I went into a lot of stress and dissatisfaction at the majority of my birthday parties, because I had no role, control/direction or certainty of what is going on within birthday party process. Within that is an anger towards my mom for not considering me to have a role at my party, where she took absolute control without –what I perceive — any regard for me and what I wanted to do.

Okay, I will stop here and continue with more in the next blog. Thanks for reading.

(Image Source)

Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
EQAFE.com  Free Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it’s Finest
Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships
Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools 

Day 165: Anxiety Underneath the Desire to Control

Continuing from: Day 164: Emotional Starting Point = Emotional Outcome

“…it turned out the person wasn’t able to get the information I wanted to know about, so I reacted in anger towards them. I was angry — I expected them to retrieve the information I needed today. Since I wasn’t able to physically go and get the information about this event at this specific building, I trusted this person to do it for me. So they said they forgot and mentioned other points in relation to why they didn’t get the information but within me I couldn’t let the anger go. To me it felt right and justifiable to get angry at them – I had for days reminded them about this point and they still didn’t follow through so this led to a conflictual morning for me where I resisted talking to and being with them.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger when another did not do the job I requested and urged for them to do instead of realizing that I had urged this person to do the job within anxiety and thus, was speaking and existing in a point of energy as reaction which indicate that I was not the directive principle here but moved myself within and from energy within my mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at another when they did not do what I asked them to do due to the belief that I am helpless and do not have the means or skills to seek out what I would like to know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at another when they did not do what I wanted and from this,I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry over the fact that I cannot control the person to do what I want them to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at not being able to control the person to do what I want them to do.

So the question within this is why? What is it that I want to control so much? I see, going back to square one was that I wanted to hide my anxiety through trying to force/control another to do the thing that I believed/perceived would be the point to stop/soothe my anxiety, which was to see if I needed to attend this event or not, and yet when my plan/expectation did not go through (I did not get the news/information today) I reacted in anger – I realize I have to wait and so existed within impatience because I want my answer NOW, I want the information NOW so I will know if I need to attend this event or not and then take the steps immediately so I can calm down this anxiety.

Will continue with more in the next post…

Check out other Journey to Life Blogs:
Journey to Life 

FREE Self-Help Interviews:
EQAFE Free Downloads

FREE Self-Development/Life Skills Course:
DIP Lite

Additional Support:
Desteni Website

Desteni Wiki
Desteni Forum
Equal Life Foundation
EQAFE – Self-Perfection Merchandise

Enhanced by Zemanta

Day 141: Desire to Sleep and Shove the Day Away

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look forward to going to sleep tonight because I just want to forget about the day and just shove it away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to forget about my day by shoving it away and going to sleep instead of taking responsibility for myself and that which I want to forget because I see, realize and understand that which I want to forget/ignore/sleep away are points of self-realization that will assist and support me in my process of self-change.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that by using sleep to shove away/ignore experiences/moments of my day will only allow me to time loop into the same experiences/moments again in the future, and therefore these points won’t ever go away unless I do something about it. I see, realize and understand the best procedure is to take these points that I don’t want to face and write them out to see what it is and apply the tools of Desteni to take responsibility for them and stop them.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the time of day to note down all prominent points and thoughts that continue to exist and preoccupy in my mind so that I get them down on paper and see what is causing me the most distress/preoccupation where I am accepting and allowing myself to be distracted instead of being here in practical realtiy.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to utilize writing the prominent points/experiences/thoughts/emotions within my day to show myself what I am accepting and allowing to exist within me and from there, take responsibility for myself to change/stop these points by/through applying self-honesty, writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to find out what it is I want to escape/shove away/ignore through sleeping so that I no longer accumulate consequence for myself in the future but am able to direct what is bothering me head on so that it’s sorted out.

“There is no other way. There is no way but to face what we have allowed.
So that we may remember, for eternity, what it means to deny Life.
And in the depth of our #pain and #despair, as #Hell emerges, let’s remember: We did this to ourselves.  And unless we stand in every #breath, Equally as #Life, for all, on behalf of those that cannot stand for themselves yet, until they can stand…if we don’t do that, we will simply never be #real.” – Bernard Poolman || Creations Journey to Life
   
About the picture: The Equal Life Foundation is in the process of designing and developing the Living Income Guaranteed (LIG) as a solution to the current global economic instability and rampant poverty. Arguments for this economic model, implementation proposals and policy documents will be made available from time to time. This information will be available to all to use freely to assist interested parties in facilitating the introduction of Basic Income as a global economic model. The Equal Life Foundation is a non-profit organisation and can be supported at www.equallife.org. A moderated forum is also available for questions, suggestions and discussions. www.basicincome.me


Check out other Journey to Life blogs:


Additional Support:
DIP Lite – Free Self Development Course
EQAFE – Self Development Merchandise
Desteni Website

Desteni Wiki
Desteni Forum
Equal Life Foundation

Day 139: "Like Me!"

Art by Carrie Tooley from DesteniArtists

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I don’t receive many likes on a blog I’d written, go into questioning/backchatting why people are not supporting or liking my post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question in backchat why are people not supporting or liking my post? in confusion, anger and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into confusion, anger and fear when I wonder/question why are people not liking or supporting my post because I do not understand or know why they didn’t but want them to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to like and or support the blog posts I write about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to like and/or support my blog posts because I want them to like me and what I write about.

I see, realize and understand that what’s most important, what matters is who I am within what I’m writing, where what I write about supports me, and that I am satisfied with my writings where I can stand within my writings absolutely because my writings reflect my current self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to like me and what I write about because it makes me feel better, instead of realizing this “feeling better” is only a temporary energy experience and only dependent on others/external validation. I see, realize and understand that this temporary experience, or “high” of getting liked/supported by others is not real, because if it was real, it would be eternal, not temporary, so therefore, this feeling I get is energy and fleeting.

I also see, realize and understand that I am severely compromising myself and my life if I walk the rest of my life asking/expecting/wanting/waiting for others to make me feel better or to provide me with support so I can feel better about myself instead of me developing that self-acceptance, self-approval, self-attention, speak up/ask for support so I no longer need/seek/want/desire/wait for other’s attention/approval/likes/support.  From this, I see, realize and understand the key point here within who I am and what I do is: SELF-HONESTY.

Therefore, I commit myself to check in with myself before I write or publish something by asking myself: what is my starting point of doing this and/or do I desire/expect/want a certain outcome from what I am doing? If I see I am being dishonest: I ask myself how can I then direct this into and as self-honesty as assistance and support for me?  Therefore, this ‘checking in’ of self-honesty will assist and support me to take a step back and assess if I am being honest in who I am within what I am doing or am I desiring/wanting a certain outcome to happen.

In posts to come I will walk the points of seeking/wanting other’s approval or wanting to be liked by others.

Additional Support:
DIP Lite – Self Development Course
EQAFE – self development merchandise
Journey to Life
Desteni Website

Desteni Wiki
Desteni Forum
Equal Life Foundation

Day 122: Longing to be a Child Again

Photo Source

Today I was with some family members and went to a park that I use to go to when I was a child.  When I was there I thought about how much happier I would be if I were a child again, playing in the park, not having to worry about the real world or moving.  I experienced a mixture of sadness, longing and a desire to wish to be a child again. I saw the point of ageing and time and how I realized that time does not stop – we grow older every day, every minute and there are some reactions I have towards time which I will investigate in another blog, however, the experiences were prominent when I was at this park.

long·ing

noun
1.strong, persistent desire or craving, especially for something unattainable or distant: filled with longing for home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be preoccupied with thoughts of me as a child playing in the park when I was at the park with my family and from this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with energies of emotions of sadness and longing to be a child again through participating with thoughts of me as a child playing in the park.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define playing in the park as a child as happy times that I can’t get back through manipulating myself to believe I can’t ever enjoy myself like that again, manipulating myself to desire/long to be a child again instead of realizing this type of thinking/mind-set in no way supports me/all within who I am but actually sabotages my opportunity to enjoy myself as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate me with emotions of longing/desire to be a child again through perceiving that if I were to be a child again I would be happy with no worries and/or stress. From this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can exist without worries and/or stress “like a child” as an adult here through a decision and a commitment to live a life stress and worry free by investigating solutions for and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to assist and support me to enjoy the moment as me, as how a child enjoys themselves when I am at a park.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept myself right here as an adult and accept the responsibility I have as me as an adult and from this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking full responsibility of myself, my life and the decisions I make without my parents guidance and/or assistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive making decisions on my own and living my life without the guidance and/or assistance of my parents as “scary”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive being an adult as scary and being on my own without mom and dad as scary, instead of realizing and accepting the knowledge and skills I have to be on my own and to assist and support me to find solutions for myself and therefore, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself on my ability to be/live on my own as an adult.

When and as I see myself go into an experience of sadness or longing to be a child again, I stop, I breathe and I let go of the reactions through realizing that I am an adult, I cannot go back in time but I can enjoy myself right here and right now. I commit myself to stop manipulating myself with emotions of longing/desiring to be a child again but accept who I am now as an adult.

I commit myself to accept me as an adult and the responsibility that comes with being an adult.

I commit myself to develop self-trust and self-acceptance within who I am as an adult through investigation of thoughts/feelings/emotions/backchat/behavior in writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I commit myself to stop manipulating myself to want to be a child again by stopping participation in thoughts/feelings/emotions as energies and use breathing to bring me back here.

Additional Support: 
Desteni
Desteni Forum
Desteni Wiki
DIP Lite (*Free* Self-Development / Self Improvement Course)

Day 101: Point is Out – Now I Must Take Responsibility For It

There is a personality-character within me that wants to hide myself and my points, just like when I exposed my binge-eating past / personality I realized I can’t hide in that point anymore – it’s out. So now I got to get rid of the point / personality and it’s also like – wherever in my world / life I am hiding things / keeping things secret from myself and anyone, I need to actually expose and stop these points from existing because they are abusive and serve no one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear after exposing the binge-eating personality and I realize that it’s out in the open for me to take responsibility for and I cannot hide within that point anymore. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold onto the binge-eating personality because I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as this personality, as me, not realizing I created this personality over time that supports other characters like the Self-Sabotage character. I see, realize and understand the binge-eating personality point is an abusive point that in no way serves me or others in this world.

I see, realize and understand that the binge-eating / eating personality I have existed in has been an extensively abusive point for me that I have hidden for a long time that now needs to be taken responsibility for, because it has in many ways influenced my life consequentially, and I wouldn’t want anyone else to exist in that point.

I commit myself to walk through the memories of the binge-eating personality to understand exactly how I created it and what triggers the personality to manifest so I know how to direct and change myself when the personality emerges again.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to flag all points / patterns / behaviors / habits that I see do not serve me / all and assist and support myself through writing, self-honest self-forgiveness, common sense, and self-corrective application to change myself to not exist within these points again.


More to come…


Additional Support:

Day 56: Desire to Indulge Watching TV

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to do nothing but watch TV all day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to indulge in watching TV all day and do nothing at all, and from this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lazy within myself, and from this laziness, become apathetic in wanting to assist and support myself to walk my process of self-realization and self-change.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am the only one who is able to break this pattern of indulgence and laziness, and as long as I continue to participate in indulgence, such as watching hours of TV and not disciplining myself to walk my process as effectively as I can, I am sabotaging myself and the opportunity I have to birth myself as Life.  I see, realize and understand that the tools of breathing, writing, self forgiveness, self honesty and self corrective application is the only way to break these patterns.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to investigate the areas in my life where I am lazy and am indulging in and as self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to watch TV for hours as a means to hide myself from my reality and the experiences within me, as I realize that the experiences within me won’t go away but must be understood in order to be directed effectively.

This point/pattern will be expanded in posts to come.  For now, here are some self commitment statements:

I commit myself to investigate through writing, self forgiveness and self honesty WHY and HOW I ended up where I am now in my process, participating in laziness, apathy and seeking entertainment as a form of indulgence to escape myself and reality.

I commit myself to investigate and redefine the word apathy to see how I have been living this word in my life and from that, find practical solutions to change myself from an apathetic being to a being who cares for oneself and others as Life.

I commit myself to – through writing, self forgiveness and self honesty, investigate what areas in my life I am allowing myself to be lazy in and indulge as a form of self-interest and through understanding, assist and support myself to stop these patterns through self corrective application.

Additional Support:

* Free Course – Learn Essential Life Skills at DIP Lite.*  

Day 12: Energetic Highs and Lows of Love – Part 1


Today I was watching an old episode of the TV show Glee.  One of the characters, Kurt, is a gay teenager who secretly is ‘in love’ with his best friend Blaine, who is also gay.  And while the two were getting coffee together, Blaine tells Kurt that for Valentine’s Day he wants to sing a song to express his love for this boy he has a crush on, and Kurt thinks that Blaine is talking about him.  However, later on in the episode, Blaine announces to his fellow Glee-members that the guy he wants to sing the song for is one of the junior managers at a clothing store (so – it’s not Kurt). 
Now as for me, the point I am taking responsibility for is my reaction towards all of this. Because what happened was I became ‘attached’ to the character Kurt and allowed myself to become emotionally involved with Kurt and Blaine’s friendship-relationship to the extent where it was like I was Kurt and I would go into this energetic state of love when I would see Blaine on TV, and then would go into anticipation, hoping their friendship will turn into a romantic one. 

The reason I think I became ‘attached’ to Kurt was because he reminded me of a young man I use to mentor that I had become quite attached with.  And since both the young man and Kurt’s expressions were so similar it was very easy for me to connect the young man to Kurt on Glee and become attached to him.

So… when Blaine announced it was another guy he was in love with what happened was that I experienced devastation where I physically walked away from the TV because I did not want to look at and face what happened.  I allowed myself to become emotionally effected by a TV show. 
What brings up this point is that in school, whenever I would have an intense crush on a guy or a celebrity, I would go off into my mind, participating in ideas and fantasies, creating energetic experiences within myself towards the outcome of a  feel good experience within myself.  These energetic experiences provided an escape from reality BUT then… reality would slap me in the face when the guy I liked is with another women because I realize that what I participated in was only in my head and NOT REAL.  Yet even to this day I still see I still have not stopped this pattern within me, so I will be walking this point in taking responsibility for my participation in this pattern — facing reality by facing the reactions of rejection, devastation and disappointment  in relation to having certain expectations, ideas and hopes towards ‘love’. 


SF:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when I found out that what I had hoped and expected did not come true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to a TV character so much so, that I created energetic experiences within me where it was like I was the character and I was experiencing what I perceived the character was experiencing as feelings within themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become absorbed in the emotions of others, by creating energy experiences within me that I perceive as being the same energetic experiences the character on TV is going through, not realizing that I cannot feel another’s energetic experiences as the only energetic experiences and feelings I create are within me and only experienced by me, thus by perceiving that I am able to feel another feelings is actually false.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate a TV character’s relationship to be formed with another whom I have experienced ‘love’ towards because I have attached myself to the relationship by accepting and allowing myself to participate in energetic experience of love to the point where I become so emotionally involved it is like I am walking into a relationship on TV because I am the character that is going into a relationship with another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so consumed in the TV show and the romantic lives and dramas of others that I have not become aware of my breath and reality.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the reason I became attached to the TV character and allowed myself to create energetic experiences within myself through how I perceive the character must be experiencing is because I liked the character’s expression, and that which I like, I attach to.

 I see here something interesting, and that is, if I like something, I will accept it and become attached to it, but if I don’t like something (and this even pertains to people) I will reject it.  So this is a cool point to take on in future blog posts that will support me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel personally rejected when a character on TV

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build upon energetic experiences of love within through participating in the mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions, fantasies and desires and accumulate the energetic experience of love up to a certain extent until reality slaps me in the face and I am faced with the truth of reality.