Day 165: Anxiety Underneath the Desire to Control

Continuing from: Day 164: Emotional Starting Point = Emotional Outcome

“…it turned out the person wasn’t able to get the information I wanted to know about, so I reacted in anger towards them. I was angry — I expected them to retrieve the information I needed today. Since I wasn’t able to physically go and get the information about this event at this specific building, I trusted this person to do it for me. So they said they forgot and mentioned other points in relation to why they didn’t get the information but within me I couldn’t let the anger go. To me it felt right and justifiable to get angry at them – I had for days reminded them about this point and they still didn’t follow through so this led to a conflictual morning for me where I resisted talking to and being with them.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger when another did not do the job I requested and urged for them to do instead of realizing that I had urged this person to do the job within anxiety and thus, was speaking and existing in a point of energy as reaction which indicate that I was not the directive principle here but moved myself within and from energy within my mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at another when they did not do what I asked them to do due to the belief that I am helpless and do not have the means or skills to seek out what I would like to know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at another when they did not do what I wanted and from this,I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry over the fact that I cannot control the person to do what I want them to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at not being able to control the person to do what I want them to do.

So the question within this is why? What is it that I want to control so much? I see, going back to square one was that I wanted to hide my anxiety through trying to force/control another to do the thing that I believed/perceived would be the point to stop/soothe my anxiety, which was to see if I needed to attend this event or not, and yet when my plan/expectation did not go through (I did not get the news/information today) I reacted in anger – I realize I have to wait and so existed within impatience because I want my answer NOW, I want the information NOW so I will know if I need to attend this event or not and then take the steps immediately so I can calm down this anxiety.

Will continue with more in the next post…

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Day 163: You Deny Me Sweets – You Make Me Mad


I’ve been doing some personal writings about the time I started to develop an eating problem when I was 15. I had a health problem at the time and a family member started to deny me certain foods to eat because of it. Foods like cakes, ice-cream, sweets I wasn’t allowed to eat. I knew this had to do because of my health problem but I would still react in anger towards them. I felt very helpless, like I had no choice or freedom to eat what I want. The family member it seemed like, had the upper hand, or the controlling hand, giving or rejecting me certain foods.

There was one time when this person and another family member were eating something that I wanted, yet I wasn’t allowed to have it. I remember erupting in anger because I found it wasn’t fair. I remember as my “retaliation” I did the silent treatment. I believed that if I showed my disapproval through the silent treatment I could get what I wanted, but this didn’t turn out so. I was essentially using a manipulation technique many people still use today to either make the other person feel bad or get something out of it. But, I didn’t get anything out of my silent treatment. I didn’t “win.” In fact, I made things worse for myself because I accumulated anger and energy within my body.

The problem within all of this though was that there was never a real communication between me and this family member about my health problem in the first place and the reason they weren’t allowing me to eat certain foods. If I could go back in time, I would have sat down with this family member and talked to them about the health problem and see what are some things I could change in my diet. That way we could work out the kinks and conflicts with the point and find something that would work for the both of us. I could also share/express to this person how I feel about this point. That way the person could see where I was coming from and maybe provide their point of view of things. If I had more direct, equal, and open communication with this family member, I wouldn’t react so much. However, growing up with this person, no such communication existed, and that’s because we haven’t really been taught how to communicate with each other effectively. I mean, the focus in our education system places more emphasis on remembering/regurgitating knowledge and information that is irrelevant to one’s current reality and not practical reality and how to best co-exist with others.

I will share more about this point to come, but I suggest we do a bit of re-education. The links below are awesome resources to get started.

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Day 160: The Fear of Not Being in Control of my Flight & The Solution

So I am going to let go of this fear connection, this fear of not being in control of my flight. I am going to let go of this fear because I understand that the more I participate/fear my flight, the more harm and pain I am doing unto myself and my body, because I know from the past my heart starts racing, palms get sweaty, I become nauseous – I put a lot of stress and strain on my body before and during my flights. This is not cool. Then I know that in participating in the fear-energy I am allowing myself/my beingness to get sucked along with it and then where am I? Lost – not stable and here, breathing. My body, still here, breathing is what I need to equalize myself to before and during these flights (and obviously every moment of my living existence, but specifically putting it into those examples).

I realize from my understanding that the pilots and airport and airline staff workers do what they can to ensure a safe, enjoyable flight for everyone. So therefore, I have to trust the pilot and crew during my traveling journey, but not in the case of projecting through fear that “my life is in their hands.” The best I can do for myself is breathe breathe breathe and be here with my physical body and enjoy it/embrace it. My body is what I have on this flight and it’s what I need to take care of. The crew members and pilots are “taking care” of me by getting me to my destination and that is what I must accept.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the reality that I am not in control of the air plane in how it functions, takes off, flies and lands.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear towards the reality/actuality that I cannot be in control of my air plane.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that pilots are trained extensively with flying and therefore they do what they can to make sure all is under control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being in control of my flight because I believe that if I were able to see and understand exactly what is going on during my flight I will be able to stop and prevent any problems from happening instead of realizing I am projecting my fear of not being in control onto the plane ride itself by believing that if I were in control/able to see what’s going on/have a say in what the pilots should do, “I would know what to do” if problems came up instead of realizing in reality I would not know what to do because I am not a trained pilot or airline professional and would not be able to assist the pilots or the airline crew members if there was a problem because I never had aviation education – therefore, I delete this belief.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that pilots are trained through simulator exercises to be able to understand how to deal with all kinds of air plane problems like engine fires and aborted take-offs so therefore they have the skills and knowledge on what to do with these problems.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that new pilots are always supervised with an experienced pilot who make sure there are no problems/everything goes smoothly, therefore, my pilot/pilots have or are being supervised by an experienced pilot and therefore I can breathe with knowing that they will do what they can to make a safe and smooth flight for everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear something to happen to the pilot, either that he gets sick or dies or does not perform his task well instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there are always two pilots on a commercial air plane, therefore if something were to happen to one of the pilots then the other pilot would take control.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the pilots will do what they can to assure their lives and the lives of people on the plane are safe and taken care of and therefore, I can only – as my responsibility – take care of myself by breathing, staying here with my body, doing my things on the plane, keeping busy and directing myself back to breath when/as I see myself go in my mind/into fears. This is the best solution I have for myself.

I had flown many times in my life so I have the experience of being on a plane- it is only when I allow my mind to possess/overwhelm me by fears and imaginations that it becomes a problem.

I commit myself to bring myself back to my breath when and as I see myself go into my mind of thoughts/fears/imaginations because I realize through breathing and being here in my body, I am stable, I am calm, I am relaxed and I am supporting myself and my body.

When and as I see myself react in fear in wanting to be in control of the plane, I stop, I breathe and I bring up the fact that I am not trained in aviations, therefore I will not have any control of my flight but I do have control of myself/my body and therefore, the best I can do for myself is to take care of me by breathing, stabilizing and doing my things on the flight.

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Day 103: Self Forgiveness on Allowing One Thought / Belief to Influence my Morning

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and follow the idea that somehow X stole something of mine instead of actually investigating the point myself to see if they really did by asking them.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame X for me not having enough clothing for my trip by accusing them of withholding clothes from me instead of realizing this was an idea I created in my mind to not take responsibility on the point that I didn’t buy enough clothes for my trip, even when I saw moments when I could but didn’t due to laziness and ‘not wanting to’ and so used X as a point of blame due to a memory in the past where they did take something of mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to USE the memory of the past of X taking and throwing something of mine away without my permission, by defining that very thing X threw away as something ‘special’ and ‘personal’ and using that memory to justify the idea that somehow they took clothes from me now without me actually investigating and / or communicating with them, but just automatically accepted the thought / idea / belief that they took something of mine as real and true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my full participation within the thought / idea / belief that somehow X took something away from me out of spite, instead of realizing this was an idea I created and justified to not take responsibility for a point that I saw I needed to take care of but didn’t and used a past memory of someone’s actions to be the reason why they are to blame.

From here – I can see there is a memory wherein the past, they did throw something out that I defined as ‘special’ and ‘personal’ out of fear because what I received as a gift was something they saw as damaging / unhealthy for me and so they threw the gift out.  From there, I decided to hold onto that memory/point and use it against them, and I did things because of this memory / the past towards them, like really holding a grudge and doing things in spite of this person, instead of realizing they did it cause they were worried about my health and didn’t want anything serious to happen to me so they did what they did yet it was me who didn’t want to realize and accept this that they weren’t aware of the consequences because they were directed in fear, and I held onto the memory as a point of blame and justification as to why I should still be angry and spiteful towards them, even by using blame on something I didn’t take responsibility for.


I commit myself to investigate the specific memory / thought in relation to wanting to hold onto blame towards this person to take responsibility through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I commit myself to release myself from unnecessary anger and blame towards this person through self-forgiveness, writing, and self-corrective application because I realize that the person wasn’t aware of what they did in the memory and it was me that decided to become spiteful towards them due to this idea that they deserve to be spited against.


Alright, more will follow from this….


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Day 102: Allowing One Thought / Idea to Influence my Morning

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It started this morning while I was making breakfast. I was in my head complaining about someone and how they may have somehow stole some clothing of mine and denied me from it, or that they put them in my sisters room, and I complained about this, thinking that she was deliberately doing this to me in spite of me going to Vienna tomorrow and somehow she is the one to blame for all of this, and I manifested like a spite/anger towards them and then in one moment realized my knee was hurting me.


Realization I see was I allowed a thought / idea / belief to really in fact direct me to experience myself spiteful towards them when there was no proof that they really did steal my clothes and that their actions were deliberately spiteful. How could I know exactly that they didn’t want me to go to Vienna and was planning to deliberately sabotage my trip by hiding my clothing so I could become angry and so they can have some sort of power / satisfaction over me. I see the frightening point that I allowed this thought / idea to control me, one little thought that completely took me over and I allowed myself to participate in a stream line of backchats and emotions, completely taking my focus away from here. 

One little idea I accepted and allowed myself to believe was real, when in fact I had no evidence, I did not consider that its only me who has allowed myself to come up with this idea because looking at it – could I have denied someone from something by deliberately hiding or taking items from them? When have I done that – deliberately hide something or take something to deliberately spite and sabotage another? Ah yes – I see some memories where I have take things from them without asking when I should have, and did it out of spite and /or apathy about the other person.

The Self-Forgiveness is walked in the next post…


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Day 18: Opening Up Points Through Self Forgiveness

Self Forgiveness:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest resistance to writing and from that, postpone writing myself to freedom.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into self sabotage by not allowing myself to write myself freely and unconditionally as self expression of who I am in the moment but instead allowed myself to give into fear of writing and facing myself because within that I cannot run or hide away — I see who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste a lot of time with myself up, hiding myself and my fear of writing/exposing and changing myself by watching TV, staying in bed longer, and sleeping.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to find a moment or time to sit down with myself write in peace with no distraction or people around me, as I see that I had used my environment with people around me as an excuse not to write because I would blame my current external environment as the reason why I cannot write to not take the responsibility to get up and go to a quieter area, such as my bedroom, and write in there, where I will not be bothered and distracted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait up until this point to write, as I have allowed myself in moments to want to write, but allowed resistance and fear to take me over and I allowed myself to succumb to it. From this, I forgive myself that I have become enslaved to the fear of writing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge writing my 7 year journey to lifeblog as a good thing, giving writing as self support positive value, thus, from this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as bad if I did not write in the day.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give writing myself out to freedom with positive value, believing that it’s a good thing and that if I write myself out, I will be a better person and make it in process, all the while, judging it’s opposite, me not writing daily as “bad” and that I will not be able to make process because of it.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the process I am walking will take time, as who I have become is a result of time and me creating myself through time from accepting and allowing thoughts, emotions, reactions, words and behaviors to influence me and direct me into who I am today.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take the stand in becoming the directive principle of my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed thoughts to direct and control me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed emotions, such as fear, to control me, not realizing that fear is an illusion, it’s not real as it only exists in my head/in the mind, and yet I have allowed it to control me for such a long time within myself that I no londer accept and allow myself to give in/sucumb to fear as I realize every time I do I become more angrier with myself, realizing that fear is just a controlling illusion that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to.  It’s time that stops and I take the wheel and no longer allow myself to become a slave to fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling fear in my stomach, believing that it’s scary and that I cannot control it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear in my stomach to control me and influence who I am and my behavior.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing, opening, exposing and expressing who I am in my communication and participation with Desteni.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am only sabotaging myself and my process of self change if I continue to accept and allow myself to remain quiet, shy and fearful of sharing myself and exposing who I am and what I have realized to others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself and others .
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself and the group of Life by remaining quiet, hidden, and scared of sharing, expressing and exposing myself and who I am because I fear being seen and facing the reactions and responses from the Group of Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a character of fear, who hides and keeps themselves hidden and in secret so that who I am is not exposed, instead of realizing that by participating in this character, I am sabotaging myself by supporting ego as self interest as abuse by keeping me to myself and not exposing myself.  I realize that by keeping quiet/being hidden, I do not allow assistance and support from others to come through that will support me in self change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest a whole slew of emotions of anxiety, worry and depression in relation to time and effectively using my time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger about not utilizing myself in time effectively because I realize that I am just sabotaging myself and cycling into the same abuse that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in before. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone what was required to be done in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complain and whine about what I have to do instead of JUST DOING IT because I see that there is no point complaining and whining because what matters is to get what is required to get done, done.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my purpose here is to bring about a world best for all with the Group of Life and that anything else is really irrelevant as the job here is to get this new system implemented so that ALL as me may enjoy Life.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how simple and enjoyable writing self forgiveness can be if I just allow myself to find a time to sit with me alone, undistracted and allow myself to write myself out self honestly about what I’m experiencing within myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to do and become.
I understand that I have opened up a lot of points here.  The purpose of this blog was essentially to ‘let go’ and just type out what comes up from within me in self forgiveness. It’s cool cause I now see what to work with in the future blog posts.