Day 171: Compromising Yourself for Friends

I will take a pause right now from continuing with my previous blog post titled Why Am I So Tired When I Hang out With Friends Part 2 to write out about some points that came up when I hung out with another group of friends this weekend.

So, what was interesting was that I did not want to hang out with these people in the first place. I had made a decision a while ago within emotional energy to never hang out with them again. I found myself to judge them and what they talked about, what they ate and what we did. I basically felt like I had to do things and participate in things I didn’t want to do and this made me angry. From this, I made the decision to never hang out with them again. However, in December one of the friends contacted me asking me if I want to hang out again, and within me the same energy of the determined decision of “I’m never hanging out with you again” came forth, but I went against that and said “yes…sure…” however, was not completely “for it” within my words .

So my question to myself is: why did I do that even though I told myself to never hang out with them again? Oh, because I’m afraid they will get mad at me if  I tell them I don’t want to hang out with them. I imagined if I were to say that, my friend would feel “hurt” and have a frown on her face, so “I don’t want to make her upset…” .

Now the problem within this is that I compromised myself. I did make a decision but did not completely stick to it. Yes, I understand the decision was based within energy, but was also very sure never to hang out with them again, but when I was asked to hang out with them “fell” within this decision.

So not only was I feeling uncomfortable about hanging out/making plans with this person, but that she wanted to spend the weekend with me with her friend and sister. I went along with it, she and I made some specific plans, and then I got sick, had to reschedule plans, and then the night before they were to come I had a major panic attack where I had difficulty sleeping. With the support from my partner, I found points were related to feeling like I had “no choice” but to hang out with them and believing it’s going to be like a time when I was a child being stuck with these friends and feeling like I have no way out to leave them and becoming emotional about it.

However, this point of “having no choice” to be with them does not align absolutely in reality because I did “have a choice” and I could have cancelled plans if I wanted to, even though if I were to cancel plans they would probably get upset plus I would a lot of waste money on some things we already reserved (showing me how much I trapped myself in shit).

The interesting thing was: I ended up actually enjoying myself with them, and I was very surprised with this, and even looked at what did I make such a big deal about in the first place, I’m having fun…. until it came time for when I wanted to go home, but one of the girls wanted to hang out longer to go shopping, and I stayed with her and from this, saw myself go into backchat, judgements and then the enjoyment started to decrease and I felt like I was back to where I was in the beginning not wanting to be with her. I did not stand up to her within my decision to leave but compromised myself again.

So, one thing I’m going to look at this point of “choice” and having “no choice” when I am out with friends. Also, I will most specifically start going back to my childhood and look at the memories I have there from when this pattern of wanting to please friends/not wanting to get my friend’s mad began, which I can see started when I was in elementary school, about 10-11 years old. This will be most interesting to explore. Thanks for reading!

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Day 86: Hanging On When It’s Time to Go

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself because I realize that I wasted time sitting with a friend and continued to stay with them for fear that if I go they will be mad at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a friend be mad at me if I were to speak up and tell them that I have nothing more to say and therefore I should go and do my things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should stick by my friend when they are dealing with their points to make them feel better instead of realizing that with all the support I give them, it is up to them to make the decision to stand up from their points and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get emotionally involved with another’s situation, allowing myself to participate in energetic experiences of highs and lows, not realizing that I am deciding and defining who I am and how I experience myself according to how another experiences themselves – meaning me believing “this is who I am and how I should experience myself because my friend is like this…”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am according to something outside of me because I realize once I do define who I am according to external/outside influences, I am compromising me and sabotaging moments of opportunity to stand up and live as self-directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to BREATHE by really being here with my body while assisting another and not accept and allow myself to participate in emotional experiences of energetic highs and lows while another is unstable.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to stand up and have the courage to say that it’s time for me to go after assisting another in their point because I realize that there is nothing else to talk about and now it’s their responsibility and decision to take care and direct themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and my time by remaining with my friend when I saw it was best for me to go and do my things but because I was afraid of them getting mad at me I continued to sit with them.

From this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to face fearing conflict with and towards my friend due to a fear of facing the negativity and fears of me as my reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions, and backchat.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the conflict within me due to me not understanding exactly what is going on within me and how to deal with my points and direct myself. I see, realize and understand that writing, self forgiveness and self-corrective application will assist and support me in understanding who I am as the negative of thoughts, feelings, emotions, backchat, etc and I have programmed myself to fear the negative and automatically run and hide from such things.

More to come…


Day 63: Changing Myself So I Can Maintain a Friendship Self Commitment Statements

This is a continuation from the blog posts: 
1) I Don’t Want to Be Seen as Weak
2) Changing Myself So I Can Maintain a Friendship

I commit myself to investigate all areas of my life where I am compromising myself / changing myself as my self-expression for friends through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to assist and support myself to align myself back to self-expression.

I commit myself to investigate the fears I have within my friendships through which I find I change / compromise myself because of it through writing, self- forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I commit myself to look into and explore what it was that made me cling onto my friend so much as a child – what was it that she had within herself that I had not accepted within myself and from that, find a practical solution to actually LIVE that point myself.

I commit myself to look into how I am existing now within my friendships and through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application assist and support myself to align myself into someone Best for All within all my interactions with my friends.

I commit myself to investigate who I am in my interactions with friends, specifically how I talk and what I talk about, and through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application assist and support myself to become an effective person within my interactions with friends.

I commit myself to investigate how I see and define myself according to friends and assist and support myself through the Desteni tools to stop all limitations that I exist in and as.

I commit myself to write down all the fears I have – especially prominent fears that come up / exist within me every day and assist and support myself to stop those fears through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application so I can LIVE and walk my life with no fear.

I commit myself to investigate all areas / memories / moments of my life where I have blamed the outcome of an event or situation on another – such as for example, me blaming my friend for ending our friendship instead of looking at how I contributed to the point – so I commit to bring the point back to me and take responsibility for my part in the outcome / situation / event as the situation / event / outcome couldn’t have happened without my participation.

I commit myself to use the tools of writing, self-forgiveness and self corrective application to assist and support myself to interact with others as me, as self expression.

I commit myself to stop compromising myself for others as an attempt to please them by investigating why and how I do such things in my daily life and assist and support myself through the tools of writing, self-forgiveness and self corrective application.

I commit myself to let go of all the points that I keep holding onto to justify why I should be angry and blame my friend for ending the relationship because I realize that I was an integral part of why the relationship ended and holding onto the anger and blame will not and cannot change the past, as it already happened, so best to just let it go.



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Day 62: Changing Myself So I Can Maintain a Friendship

This is a continuation from my previous blog post: I Don’t Want to Be Seen as Weak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change who I am as my self expression to fit in with what I perceived was acceptable in a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my self expression because I was in fear of losing my friendship with X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself into a certain personality so I could maintain a friendship with a girl that I so desperately wanted to be friends with because I saw she liked me and accepted me but because I feared being alone without her I made sure to form and shape myself as someone different than who I was so I could continue to be liked by her, not realizing that she accepted me as who I was in the beginning of our relationship, and it was only after I began changing and forming myself into a personality did the relationship become strained and emotional.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the consequences that would manifest when I started changing myself into a personality out of fear of losing my friendship with X in that I would not only suppress myself as my expression as who I am but would also sabotage the friendship/relationship with X as a personality driven by fear which can only lead to negative consequences, which would thus not be supportive for me or my friend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to such an extent of changing myself and suppressing my self expression just to maintain a friendship with a girl because of the fear of losing my friendship/relationship with her instead of realizing that I was already friends with her and established a cool relationship with her simply from my interaction as my expression with her so there was really no point to change myself, yet I see that I did change because I accepted and allowed myself to fear losing her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing X as a friend because that would mean I would be by myself and have to be with myself, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to X to such an extent that I feared losing her because I feared losing a part of me as who I am if she ever left me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the negative emotions of devastation and shock when X didn’t want to be friends with me anymore instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I actually created and manifested my fear of losing her as a friend.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the fact that it was me who was responsible for the end of my relationship with X because it was due to an accumulation of me compromising myself and shaping/forming myself into a personality that I believe I needed to be to maintain my friendship with X instead of realizing that I didn’t have to do that because X accepted me just as I was in the beginning of our relationship when it was just me interacting with her – no personalities involved.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I was the reason why I made my relationship with X so difficult because I so desperately formed/molded/shaped myself into a personality that I thought I needed to be according to how I perceived X wanted to me to be instead of simply interacting with X as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself when I was with X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame X as the reason why the friendship was ruined instead of seeing that I was an integral part of it and I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have given myself the opportunity to turn the situation/ending of friendship back onto myself and look into how I manifested and contributed to the end of the friendship, but did not want to look into or consider and take responsibility for the fact that I created this experience/situation myself – therefore, I was the one at fault since it was me who compromised the relationship because I compromised myself, especially since I see that X was who she was as her expression during the entire time – there was no compromise, she was herself, so it was me who directed the friendship to its inevitable end due to me compromising myself and not seeing the consequences of such actions.

More to come…

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