231. Opening Up Jealousy – Introduction

Note: The series My Relationship with Alcohol is on hold and the point of Jealousy will be focused on for the time being since this is a prominent point that requires to be dealt with.

Jealousy can make one turn into a mean, manipulative person.

There is this woman, who is my age. She is skilled in photography, knowledgeable about the city we both live in, a teacher and has similar characteristics I see in myself. She is successful and very well known and popular, also pretty and thin.  And I find myself extremely jealous of her.

This jealousy started to come when I found myself in competition with her after I launched my travel blog. Because she had her blog before me and developed quite the attention and following, I felt competitive towards her, wanting to be better than her. It got to the point where I couldn’t fall asleep cause I kept thinking about her and wanting to find ways to improve my travel blog and be successful. I stayed up for hours developing a plan, becoming an insomniac, completely possessed with a drive to succeed, to be better than her and I knew this was a problem.

I walked Self-Forgiveness, came to realizations and common sense, which cleared a lot of the energy, but that was not enough — I knew I had to dig more, find out more of myself in this energy and how to direct myself from it –getting to the actual corrections, because the jealousy still kept popping out and it will always pop up until I transcend it.

So I listened to the first recording by the Atlanteans on Jealousy. It was so supportive I was ”blown away” and many things made sense to me– why I was so jealous and wanted to direct my reality in a way were I was better and more successful than her. Behind jealousy is actually competition and comparison, and that comes from a history of human civilization that I never knew of but found out in the recording.

From this, I knew that I require to walk the process of jealousy, and what better way than to walk it now and here when the jealousy is fresh and this woman will be a constant in my life (I follow her blog and Instagram) and I am quite sure I will bump into her in the future, so I am also walking this point to become stable and supportive when I am with her or with others who I would be jealous towards.

Okay, so this is an introduction, and I am looking forward to walking this point.

Educational & Supportive Websites:
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8Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships

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224: To Become a Leader…

I got the chance to organize an event for international women to come together, meet and make new friends at a nice restaurant. Since I was the organizer I got there early and planned to make sure I greet everyone who comes, as well as say goodbye, and get to know as many women as I could. This opportunity also allowed me to make new friends in the city I am living in, which is really cool!

So, there are many points I’d like to share that I have discovered and realized when I attended this event, but I will take one point and write about it in its own post blog over a series of blog about becoming a leader, or an effective organizer of a group. Because since I am the leader/creator/organizer of the group, I realize I have a lot of responsibility, not only from a managerial side, but from a standing-within-principle side, where it is my duty and responsibility to treat each member of this group the way I would like to be treated, and to become the organizer/leader of the group that stands within principles of what is best for all. This means, no judging of any member, speaking within support and never gossip, accepting and welcoming all who are interested, and stopping any form of comparison or competition within me.

Because I have seen these points come up in my face as I interacted with the ladies in the group. I saw how my mind went into judgement, into comparison, into not feeling good enough/self esteem issues, into worry about people not liking me, into competition towards other woman… points that I saw that are not cool and not what should exist in an organizer/leader of a group.

I met with an individual the other day and thought that they were very judgmental and it made me realize that I don’t want to be like that as a person/leader. Then later someone assisted me to see how I within that had actually done exactly that — I was judging the other person for judging, which I didn’t see when I was in the situation –  thus showing me exactly that what I had seen in another still exists in myself and I could confirm the realization that: that this is not the kind of leader I want to be, and  I still have work to do in myself to create myself as the leader I want to be.

So — I am going to from here on start a blog series focusing on becoming and creating myself into an organizer/leader that stands and exists within the principles of what is best for all.

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Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
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Day 210: Defining Myself According to Work-Related Feedback

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am better than another coworker by comparing feedback I received from others to the feedback the coworker received and from this, justify that I am better because of the ideas and beliefs I had previously formed of myself instead of realizing these ideas came from feedback I received from others when I was unsure and insecure of how I was doing at my job instead of taking the feedback as a cool point of support that what I’m doing is in line with my job and not go into ego, believing I am the best coworker at my job

I realize that I have used comparison to define who I am and since I had received more positive feedback than my coworker I went into ego instead of using feedback as a cool cross-reference of how I’m doing within my job, yet through ego I saw myself as being better than another, when in reality that is not true, I am always equal to what is here, even despite if I have received more positive feedback than another on how I’m doing in my job, does not mean I am not better than them

I commit myself to stop comparing feedback I received from others to the feedback I’ve heard about my co-worker as I realize the only feedback that matters is from/of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately take positive feedback from coworkers on how I’m doing to fuel my ego and ideas of myself instead of realizing this feedback is simply from how I’m doing within my job, and that what I am doing is accepted, approved and satisfying within the system, and thus does not actually reflect me, as the entirety of who I am, that for example, if I am doing a good job with something does not define me as a ‘good’ person as I see, realize and understand a ‘good person’ is a person who lives and exists within what is best for all, and thus I realize I have a lot of work to do to become what is best for all, as long as I continue to walk this process in self-honesty for me

I commit myself to stop defining me and who I am according to the feedback I get but to see this feedback as cross-reference with how I am doing with my job and if any improvement is needed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project in my mind my coworkers saying good things about me, comparing me to others in their mind instead of realizing the more I participate in this projection/imagination I am fueling my ego and the ideas I have of myself of being a ‘good person’ /better than others in the job that I do, and within this I realize what I do in my job does not define who I am, it is who I am within the job that I do that matters, thus even if I were to do a perfect job at my work, I can still exist within ‘evil’ participating in backchats, judgments, etc – that which basically fuels abuse and separation in this world

I commit myself to stop myself when I see me use positive feedback according to how I work before it ‘gets to my head’ a.k.a ‘fuel my ego’ and instead shift myself into using/taking that feedback as cool cross-reference that I am doing well

From this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question my participation within projections and thoughts about who I am at work, that I had been fueling my ego through participation in projections, thoughts and beliefs instead of considering who I am and what I am accepting and allowing when I allow myself to separate myself from others by existing in ego, and ego is nasty

When and as I see myself participate and ‘play into’ projections/imaginations and thoughts about who I am as a worker, whether positive or negative, I stop, I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in the projections/imaginations and thoughts since I realize the more I allow myself to ‘give in’ and participate in my mind the more I am allowing myself to be defined by the mind instead of me defining me, and deciding who I am and how I want to live

(Image Source)

Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
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Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it’s Finest
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Desteni Website  Understanding the Human Mind, Oneness & Equality
Desteni Wiki Structured, Organized Information about Self & Solutions
Desteni Forum  Forum with interactive support, resources and tools 

Day 150: My Job is Not Good Enough

In continuation from:    Day 149: Comparing my Job with Another’s Job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/perceive my job to be not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe my job is not good enough because I am not making enough money as what I would like/expect to make since graduating college. I see, realize and understand that I had created an expectation that I will be able to make enough money when I am out of college, instead of considering the reality of things: that it takes time and effort to apply for jobs and gain experience —getting a job is not so easy in the system but requires many factors.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my job is not good enough because I don’t make “enough money” or as much money as I had wanted/expected for myself. I see, realize and understand that I am judging my job as being not good enough instead of realizing the problem within the judgement – I am judging myself/who I am based on what kind of job I have instead of realizing that this is just a job and for the time being I am in this job to assist and support me to make some money while I plan/sort out the next step I am willing/wanting to take with my career/education.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to upon being accepted for a school job, to feel/be unsatisfied with myself because I knew that I wouldn’t be making enough money that would guarantee comfortable living for myself. From this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards the point that the job I have now does not guarantee or give me enough money where I am able to buy my own living space for myself for example.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel quite ashamed for still living and depending on my parents for food, clothes, shelter, a car, and from this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within a mixture of anger and helplessness thinking about my situation where I am “forced” or basically have no option but to live with my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within anger about me being here still living with my parents by looking at my age and judging myself as my age and me being here/still having to depend on parents. From this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the idea that at my age I should not be home, but because I am not living on my own/with my parents I should be ashamed of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pressured to move out and have a place to myself because of a memory of my father last year who told me I need to find a “real job” and me becoming upset about that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel quite ashamed when my father told me that I don’t have a real job and I need to find one. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my father’s words personally instead of realizing that I had already formed judgement about myself and the job and my father saying such things only activated/triggered those reactions within me so I could see where I am not standing.  I see that one of the reasons my father may have said I need to find a real job was because he was nervous I had one more year to go being under his health insurance plan and after that I’d have none or have to start paying my own and he wanted me to find a job where the company pays for my insurance.

I will explore my father and the reactions I have already had/formed in relation to my job in posts to come.

I commit myself to investigate where I got the idea that at my age (26) I should not be living at home with parents through writing, self-forgiveness and accordingly, apply self-corrective application.

I commit to investigate all the reactions/ideas/beliefs I have about my job, and use the Desteni tools to clear them all so I am able to walk/apply myself in the job without feeling ashamed/satisfied.

More to come. Thanks for reading.

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Day 149: Comparing my Job with Another’s Job

Continuation from: Day 148 -Within Jealousy there is Self-Anger

Looking at the point that Miss O makes more money than me, because she is a teacher/has a professional job and I do not and she is my age.Within that, comes my own dissatisfaction where I think/believe that it’s too late for me to be in her position – be a teacher, have a professional job,  make a good amount of money, because I missed the opportunity to be serious and focused on getting a profession when I was in college and having my tuition paid by my parents.

If you read in my previous blog I began to explain at the end how I took the easy way out in college because I had already formed hate and anger towards school, and so, chose what I found to be an easy degree/study to graduate with so I could “get the fuck out of school” not realizing that what awaits me is a world where social networking/people connections, job/internship experience, and more specific, higher education is very much needed in order to get quite a good job that pays a good amount of money.

So through looking back at this mistake and how I defined me with a “mediocre” job I judged myself and went into self-hate and self-anger about making the mistake in not being serious in college and not catching myself with this mind-set of wanting to “get the fuck out of college as fast as I could.” I realize that I could have done much more in my college years. Now, looking at myself and the situation I am in where if I were to go back to school I would have to spend maybe another 3-4 years of school plus take out loans or use my money to pay for courses and this makes me go into reactions of anger and fear with the backchat “I don’t want to spend another four years in school and pay off loans.” So I am basically feeling quite stuck with these points, and the only solution that will assist me is walking through Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior to Miss O because she makes more money than me and she is my age.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous at Miss O for being a teacher at my age because I would like to have a profession like that as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel quite “bad” and dissatisfied about myself when I look at/compare myself to Miss O, and from this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel quite “bad” and dissatisfied about myself because I wish I could have a job like Miss O where I am utilizing my skills, interacting with students/children and making an impact in their lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous at Miss O because she is the center of attention in her class where children look up to her and she has responsibilities of grading papers and answering parent e-mails, basically having power/authority/responsibility within her job position.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as not good enough because I do not have the power/authority/responsibility to teach children and answer parent e-mails for example, by defining/seeing myself as not important.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as unimportant because I am not given attention like a teacher, who is the center of attention in the classroom and has a busy life with e-mails and projects, all of which I connect worth towards. I see, realize and understand that I have connected “worth” towards having a job like a teacher who receives attention from students and answers parent emails and emails from other teachers and is in the “know-how” of what’s going on with each student. I see, realize and understand that I am able to get to know students since I work at a school and don’t need e-mails to tell me who they are – I can interact with them in the classroom, even if I am not a teacher.

What I am starting to see within this is I am defining myself within the job I work in as “not important” and not of much worth because I see/define teachers to be something special/worthy and I perceive them to be of utmost importance in a student’s life. However, in reality, I see, realize and understand the job position I do have in the classroom actually is “worthy” because it enables me the opportunity to interact with the students and utilize skills I have. I can use my communication skills to interact with students and get to know them and see where I can assist them within their school work and not separate myself from them by only isolating myself from students with the job I am required to do.

I commit myself to identify and investigate all the backchats, ideas, thoughts, feelings, emotions and reactions I have with me being in the job position I am through writing and self-forgiveness so I can clear myself from the energetic attachments and connections and be able to participate in my job fully.

I commit to investigate all the thoughts, emotions, feelings, memories, ideas, beliefs I have about teachers, purify the word “teacher” and investigate how I see them to clear all energetic connections and associations so I can be clear within myself and see the teachers for who they are – a teacher.

I commit myself to get to talk/interact/get to know the other students I work with to understand them more and see what they need assistance with so I can be of assistance to them which I enjoy.

I commit to see if who I am in what I do/who I am is best for the children/students through self-introspection, writing and self-forgiveness and script a new living through self-corrective application.

To be continued…! Check out other Journey to Life Blogs:

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Day 148: Within Jealousy there is Self-Anger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of Miss O.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of Miss O because she is my age and has a better job than me. From this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe that Miss O has a better job than me because she gets paid more than me and does what I would like to do/be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and jealous at Miss O because she is a professional teacher, and I am not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel/see myself inferior towards Miss O because she is a professional teacher, and I am not, even though she is my age.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened that someone my age has a better job than me. From this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened by the fact that someone my age has a professional, well-paying job. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened by the fact that someone my age has a professional job that I desire to have because I didn’t take the necessary courses to become a professional teacher.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself when thinking about how I would have to take classes on my own using my own money, because the opportunity of having free education, paid for by my parents, is gone, and cannot have them pay for me again for school, thus I am on my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry that I have to use my own money or take out school loans in order to pay for my education because now my parents won’t take care of the education for me. From this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beat myself up self-hate for believing that I wasted my parents money towards a college education that I did not take seriously, and allowed myself to end up in a job position where I am unhappy in.

I am angry at myself that I have wasted years/time not doing anything – seeking out education and doing what I wanted to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge me and who I was back then, in the past, not realizing that I made a lot of mistakes because I had attached many emotions and beliefs and definitions about school in the first place, where I created a “hate” towards school, and because I didn’t have a choice whether to go to college or not – there was no “no I’m not going to college” for my parents, so I went through college having to deal with classes but made the attempt to pick the easiest classes and studies just to graduate – even going so far to take summer and winter courses so I could graduate college the fastest way possible. My entire intention and drive was to get out of college as fast as I could cause I ‘hated it so much,’ however this “hate” I will look deeper at in blogs to come.

I see, realize and understand that I was so completely possessed with the drive to do what I can to pass college and to get out of there so I can live “my own life” – like living on my own, away from parents, not realizing to actually manifest such things I require a degree, experience in my field, connections with other people/professionals/career networks – basically, the ways and methods that is required/needed in order to live a well-paid life. I did not see this point because I was so “set” on getting through college the easiest way out and expecting that I could get a job and move out of the house as fast as I could, and did not really look at reality. I did not take the time or the consideration to use the opportunity and free education (paid by parents) to utilize my time in school to expand myself, get to know people, develop skills and join more clubs, do more activities to “get my feet wet” with the system, finding ways to eventually get a well-paid job. I did not see that school in itself can assist me greatly in figuring out what I’m good at and what I’d like to do within my life/career. I still hold self-hate, self-judgement, self-regret points in relation to myself, my career, and college/school, so will look into this in through writing.

More to come.

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