Day 212: A Childhood Mistake

Continuing from:
Day 211: Health Paranoia

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to know everything in relation to all the ways, treatments and steps to prevent or heal a disease/illness instead of realizing that is absolutely impossible because new information on such a topic is constantly streaming and ongoing and that this desire to know everything comes from a fear of not knowing what to do or how to save someone or myself from failing health/accident and going into major regret because of it

I commit myself to slow down when it comes to reading health articles and to simply learn/do research on that which I genuinely want to know/learn about that is/will be relevant in my life and let go of information that does not serve me or is not relevant to me in my life

I commit myself to educate myself on preventative measures and life saving techniques, such as CPR so that I have that information stored within me that can assist me/another if an emergency would occur however within this, I commit myself to breathe through whatever fears may arise where I fear not having enough information or not knowing all preventive life-saving techniques since I realize in reality I can only learn as much as I can within the time I have and that beating myself up or fearing not knowing something/regretting is a personality/point that requires to be looked at, walked and transcended

I question myself, what memory or event in my life happened where I went into a large regret after finding out information that I could have used to stop something happening, specifically from something dying: A memory of when my pet fish died.

This happened to me when I was about 10 or 11 and to me was quite traumatic. One of my parents was cleaning the fish tank and we had to transfer my fish to a bowl so they could really clean it up the tank. Little did I know that I should have put my fish in the bowl with the same water he lived in, but what happened was I did not know this – I put clean new water in the bowl then transferred my fish into the bowl and watched him swim frantically around and then die. I accidentally killed my fish right in front of me and I had formed a relationship with this fish, so I was very shocked and traumatized about this ordeal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to my fish suddenly dying on me because I didn’t understand why he just died in front of me instead of realizing that I did not know that I cannot put fish into new water or else they will go into shock and die instead of realizing I made a mistake and it was a genuine mistake where I unfortunately had to experience the consequence of my fish’s death

I commit myself to read up and educate myself BEFORE I get a pet so that I have awareness and education on how to take care of a pet so that accidental deaths that could have been prevented will no longer happen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to my fish because he was ‘mine,’ since I picked him out and gave him his own name and thus, felt ‘proud’ about that because he was only ‘my’ fish and projected my pride onto him and when I killed him it was like everything I felt about him or projected onto him also died and it was all my fault and thus I am ‘to blame’ so went into self-punishment, hating myself and beating myself up from this ordeal/mistake

I commit myself to stop attaching myself to animals/pets by seeing them as ‘mine’ as ‘mine’ is a part of ‘owning’ that comes from the mind instead of realizing each being and animal living here on this planet does not belong to ‘anyone’ as everyone is a unique individual living and sharing this planet with everyone else, though that each and every pet I may have is one I take care of the way I (if I were an animal) would like to be treated/taken care of without emotional attachment since that is also a form of self-interest and disregard of everyone and everything else that is equal to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame me and punish me and hate me for having killed my fish when I didn’t intend to instead of realizing that hating myself and punishing me for a mistake I made that was not in my awareness is nothing but a self-destructive habit that needs to be erased and no longer existent within me as it provides no assistance and support within this ordeal but simply keeps me stuck in self-torment which is really unnecessary since I can learn from my mistakes and share with others my mistakes and what I learned from them so they don’t do them as well

I commit myself to stop hating and punishing myself for the mistake I made when I was younger, where I accidentally killed my pet fish since I realize it was an actual mistake due to impulsivity and not having enough education on how to take care of a pet, so thus, I commit myself to make peace with the memory and take it as a ‘life lesson’ for me and to share with everyone that education on how to take care of one’s animal/pet is super critical and important

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of this mistake of having accidentally killed my fish because I feel like I need to punish or hate myself for it, instead of realizing I have a belief I should not let it go because I think what I did was really bad and should be held against me, like a ‘sentence’ or a point I need to live with for the rest of my life instead of seeing how destructive these points are where they only lead to further consequence, further abuse, further pain, simply because I think and believe I need to hurt/hate myself because what I did was ‘so bad‘ instead of realizing that there is another way, an acceptance and understanding of the past — yes, the past and what I had done will never leave me but the past does not have to define me, that even with this mistake I had made that did have unfortunate consequences doesn’t mean I have to drag that mistake with me for the rest of my life and use that mistake to fuel self-hate, and self-punishment but can instead learn from it, understand it and move on

I commit myself to investigate this self-punishment pattern/tendency that I exist in where I beat myself up for every little mistake because I realize that is far from supportive and needs to be corrected so that the entire cycle of self-abuse can finally be put to an endangered

I commit myself to remind and remember the realization/point that I cannot erase the past, but I can forgive myself and who I was in it and also, that I do not have to allow the past to define me because I have the tools to change, and from, this I commit myself to use the tools of self-support to change myself

And it’s interesting this point of having done something so ‘bad’ connecting killing something or someone as really bad, is coming from morality and how I grew up with family values based in religion and morality where it is ‘so bad’ if someone kills someone, but I see it as defining that person as ‘bad’ as a bad person, instead of understanding that person/who they are that led them to killing, but to bring it back to the point, I defined myself as being really bad, beating myself up because I had killed my fish, I had made a bad mistake, I had done something really bad, and this I see is a point I’ve been existent in for quite some time, all of my life basically where I have had the tendency to really beat myself up, not want to forgive myself when I make mistakes. Like really harsh within me.



Additional Support blog: Death of a Pet

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Day 191: Aversion to Bananas Part 2

Continuing with: Aversion Towards Bananas – Where Did This Come From?!

Points noted down:
-Disgust towards bananas
-Want to gag if they are around/near my mouth
-Backchat: “I don’t want to taste it/eat it” “I’m going to gag” “I don’t want to eat it” “my blood type says I shouldn’t eat it” “my blood results says I’m sensitive to it/my body reacts to it so I shouldn’t eat it”
-Fear/petrified of having to eat it

-Feeling proud of being known in my family for my dislike of bananas (getting attention from mom, for example)
-Enjoyed that attention, cause that’s “Me” it was something I saw special/unique/different than everyone else in my family that I could say is “me”

I asked my mother today if there was any moment in my life where I had a traumatic or dramatic experience with a banana and she said she could not see anything. I will then have to track my father to see next lol.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in disgust when I see a banana without knowing why and from this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question why I don’t like bananas and why I find disgust in them while they are simply a fruit, a food and are eatable yet I cannot put one in my mouth or otherwise will gag

I realize that the banana is a fruit, just like all other foods here on this planet meant to nourish the physical body. It is “harmless” in that it is equal like all other foods here and existing on this planet with me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider the mind‘s influence on the banana where I have given my power away to the mind where it decides for me to react in disgust if I see a banana, smell a banana, or watch someone eat a banana where I don’t know or understand where this reaction came from or the memory that created this aversion towards the fruit

I realize that I had somewhere in my life allowed myself to react every time I see, smell or watch someone eat a banana instead of understanding or knowing why and from this, I realize that I had in someway allowed my mind to take that point or take a memory of me where I had an experience with a banana and use it to its own benefit to make me react whenever I see or am in the prescense of a banana and I have allowed myself to be completly blind and swiped of a memory of knowing what memory is the result of this reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuses “I don’t need to eat it because my blood tests say my body reacts to it” to not try and eat a banana for the first time.

I see, realize and understand I have a fear of eating a banana and I don’t know why. Nothing holds me back from eating a food but me and my reaction to it. I know how to eat, so I am able to eat this banana lol I have to in some way walk through the reaction of wanting to gag from it. Gagging is a physical reaction which means there are uncovered dimensions, dimensions that are result in the gagging reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear reaction towards eating a banana by fearing to gag on the banana and possibly throw up if I were to eat it, and from this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am going to gag or throw up if I eat a banana instead of realizing I have no conscious awareness or recollection of ever gagging or throwing up from a banana so this is eating a banana is new territory for me

I commit myself to continue walking the banana-point in looking to see what can assist me in being able to eat or try a banana within stability

More to come…

https://eqafe.com/i/mmulcrone-childhood-memories-influence-your-current-tastes-life-review

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EQAFE – Self-Perfection Merchandise

Day 190: Averison Towards Bananas – Where Did This Come From?!

Tonight I listened to the EQAFE interview: Childhood Memories Influence Your Current Tastes and I looked at how I have always had an aversion or resistance towards bananas and I never knew why. I cannot pinpoint an actual memory, but what comes up when I look at it is a disgust and wanting to gag. I have in the past tried such foods like banana bread, but only because I wanted to see if I could handle it, and I would end up having such an emotional reaction towards it I couldn’t finish it.

The being who was speaking in the interview mentioned how they defined themselves according to this object they didn’t like and justified it was who they were, and I can see that in my own life I have enjoyed being ‘different’ in being the one in my family who doesn’t like bananas and my mother and I use to joke about my dislike for them and made fun of it instead of realizing how I have such a reaction to these fruits without my understanding or awareness as to WHY, thus that shows me I have in some way allowed my mind to take on that point and the memory is so deep within me that it’s not even in my conscious awareness. So I have allowed my mind to take this reaction of resistance/aversion and disgust of bananas and use it to its benefit of generating energy.

Imagining/looking at eating a banana now I physically react by frowning and shutting my mouth. My mouth closes up and I don’t want the fruit to enter my mouth at all. Backchats are “I don’t want to taste it” “I don’t want to eat it” “I’m going to gag.”  Tomorrow I will ask my parents if there was any prominent memories of me having a traumatic or emotional experience eating or being around a banana because this may assist me in understanding where this aversion comes from.

Points noted down:

-Disgust towards bananas

-Want to gag if they are around/near my mouth

-Backchat: “I don’t want to taste it/eat it” “I’m going to gag” “I don’t want to eat it” “my blood type says I shouldn’t eat it” “my blood results says I’m sensitive to it/my body reacts to it so I shouldn’t eat it”

-Fear/petrified of having to eat it

-Feeling proud of being known in my family for my dislike of bananas (getting attention from mom, for example)

-Enjoyed that attention, cause that’s “Me” it was something I saw special/unique/different than everyone else in my family that I could say is “me”

So, I cannot pinpoint or find the memory of where I created/got this aversion in the first place. I will walk Self-Forgiveness on general points in relation to it tomorrow.

https://eqafe.com/i/mmulcrone-childhood-memories-influence-your-current-tastes-life-review

Check out these awesome sites that supported me:

Journey to Life Blogs:
Journey to Life 

FREE Self-Help Interviews:
EQAFE Downloads

FREE Self-Development/Life Skills Course:
DIP Lite

Awesome Life & Living Support:
Desteni Website

Desteni Wiki
Desteni Forum
EQAFE – Self-Perfection Merchandise