Day 171: Compromising Yourself for Friends

I will take a pause right now from continuing with my previous blog post titled Why Am I So Tired When I Hang out With Friends Part 2 to write out about some points that came up when I hung out with another group of friends this weekend.

So, what was interesting was that I did not want to hang out with these people in the first place. I had made a decision a while ago within emotional energy to never hang out with them again. I found myself to judge them and what they talked about, what they ate and what we did. I basically felt like I had to do things and participate in things I didn’t want to do and this made me angry. From this, I made the decision to never hang out with them again. However, in December one of the friends contacted me asking me if I want to hang out again, and within me the same energy of the determined decision of “I’m never hanging out with you again” came forth, but I went against that and said “yes…sure…” however, was not completely “for it” within my words .

So my question to myself is: why did I do that even though I told myself to never hang out with them again? Oh, because I’m afraid they will get mad at me if  I tell them I don’t want to hang out with them. I imagined if I were to say that, my friend would feel “hurt” and have a frown on her face, so “I don’t want to make her upset…” .

Now the problem within this is that I compromised myself. I did make a decision but did not completely stick to it. Yes, I understand the decision was based within energy, but was also very sure never to hang out with them again, but when I was asked to hang out with them “fell” within this decision.

So not only was I feeling uncomfortable about hanging out/making plans with this person, but that she wanted to spend the weekend with me with her friend and sister. I went along with it, she and I made some specific plans, and then I got sick, had to reschedule plans, and then the night before they were to come I had a major panic attack where I had difficulty sleeping. With the support from my partner, I found points were related to feeling like I had “no choice” but to hang out with them and believing it’s going to be like a time when I was a child being stuck with these friends and feeling like I have no way out to leave them and becoming emotional about it.

However, this point of “having no choice” to be with them does not align absolutely in reality because I did “have a choice” and I could have cancelled plans if I wanted to, even though if I were to cancel plans they would probably get upset plus I would a lot of waste money on some things we already reserved (showing me how much I trapped myself in shit).

The interesting thing was: I ended up actually enjoying myself with them, and I was very surprised with this, and even looked at what did I make such a big deal about in the first place, I’m having fun…. until it came time for when I wanted to go home, but one of the girls wanted to hang out longer to go shopping, and I stayed with her and from this, saw myself go into backchat, judgements and then the enjoyment started to decrease and I felt like I was back to where I was in the beginning not wanting to be with her. I did not stand up to her within my decision to leave but compromised myself again.

So, one thing I’m going to look at this point of “choice” and having “no choice” when I am out with friends. Also, I will most specifically start going back to my childhood and look at the memories I have there from when this pattern of wanting to please friends/not wanting to get my friend’s mad began, which I can see started when I was in elementary school, about 10-11 years old. This will be most interesting to explore. Thanks for reading!

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Day 129: Prominent Dream Exposes Suppressed Fears

I am taking a pause with my word re-definition to focus on a prominent dream I’d like to share.

I had a very visual, extensive, clear dream last night that revealed very prominent fears within me.

In reality there is one point in particular that has to do with the possibility of me having to work with a teacher who use to be my teacher when I was young in September which I still hold childhood memories and fears towards and it’s interesting because now as an adult I still have these fears and resistances towards working and being with this person.

While writing it out I saw that it wasn’t necessarily my teacher that I had a fear towards, but who I was within the subject that she was teaching. It was science, and the vocabulary was what I found the reason why I did not do a good job in the subject, and why I couldn’t understand it and why I existed in such fear and wanted to hide/keep quiet in class to not get picked on to say an answer, because I feared having to be humiliated in front of the class and having to be judged by the teacher. I was also quite young at the time – around 12, and did not have the tools or software available to help me with understanding/learning science. That was also the subject where I heavily doubted myself, where I later ended up in my school years deliberately avoiding science class and faking sick in the nurses office to go home early.

So, through writing it was interesting to see that it wasn’t the teacher per-say that I was fearing – but it was my past, my experiences and my fears towards who I was within science class that came up. It’s cool cause in the interview Clarity in Chaos the person suggested to let go of childhood fears, so through writing and self-forgiveness that is what I am doing, to become stable within myself and no longer be defined or directed/controlled by the past.

More to come on this point.

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