Day 171: Compromising Yourself for Friends
When I was in the 5th grade I got invited to go to a friend‘s birthday party, however, I was uncomfortable with this because according to who my friend was and the people she was inviting, I had a knowing or a prediction that I wasn’t going to enjoy myself. This is because I’ve seen who my friend is with these certain girls, and the girls themselves I had defined as “mean” and seeing myself as different than these girls, I was uncomfortable because I knew who I was with those girls and I would have a difficult time getting along with them. I really didn’t want to go to the party, and within me I was quite confident within saying no and being okay with that, but saying no in a way of making an excuse such as “I’m sick” or something, cause I didn’t’ want to straight up say no, I was not confident with that in the first place. Yet I was certain and cool with not going – and this is what I wanted to do. But somehow, from what I remember, my mom got involved and questioned me on why I didn’t want to go and I remember standing there uncertain, the words unable to express why didn’t come up and so I then in that moment succumbed to my mother’s suggestion and went.
So along the way, driving to the party, I was really uncomfortable with a feeling in my stomach, I can describe it as a ‘giving in and having to deal with it,’ sort of thing where it’s ‘out of my control’ and basically forced out of my will to do this. Looking back at it, if I could have, I would have stood defiantly within my decision and not allow myself to waver from my mother’s words but of course, I did not have the skills or education or confidence to do so. I went to that party and just as expected/predicted did not have a good time. I was insecure, nervous, intimidated, timid and took things very personally. We all went bowling and the car ride going home I cried silently and alone until my friend asked me “are you crying?” in front of everyone and I put up a illusive shield and said “no,” while a silence was there and I imagined/thought about my friend exchanging glances with the other girls within judgment, as that was a common behavior I hated that she did with the other girls.
That was also when I really saw for myself how I honestly did want to go to this party but compromised myself for no real reason except that according to mom “I should go.” I was so upset at myself when I realized this.
-Compromised myself, did not stand up for myself, did not stand up to my mom by standing with my decision and saying no, and sticking to it
-waver within myself when my mom questioned me, thinking that I should go, the excuse was ‘she is my friend, it is her birthday party…’
-accumulate backchat of ‘I want to go home,’ as a pity party for me, bringing up tears in my friend’s mom’s car,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise me by succumbing to another’s suggestion to go to a birthday party when I really did not want to go because I knew I would not enjoy myself there
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going to someone’s birthday party because of the people being invited and me not knowing who I can connect or be comfortable with because every person I know is going I have judged/percieved as being mean and/or I won’t be able to get along with them/enjoy myself with them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid the people I have defined/perceived as “mean” instead of asking myself what do they do that I don’t like/that I define as mean, so I can then from there, see who I am within it all and if I am just taking their words/behaviors personally
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am afraid to be myself around others at the birthday party for in fear of being judged and ridiculed, instead of realizing that if I was being “myself” as who I really am and okay with who I am, I wouldn’t care about what others think/say about me, so within this I see that I have become someone who relies heavily on other’s words and what they do and that I have insecurity on simply being/expressing me. So the point within this – is that I can assist and support me to find solutions about being uncomfortable expressing who I am in front of others.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand my ground within saying no to another’s request of going to their birthday party because I honestly did not want to go
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand my ground within the decision to not go to the birthday party through the gathering of memories and knowledge of the people involved within the birthday party of them not being ‘people I would enjoy myself with’ because of who they are in their words and behaviors and so within this I realize there is nothing “bad” about turning down an initiation especially if one sees the party as being something not supportive for self and one can do something else for oneself that would be more enjoyable
From this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt upon not wanting to go to another’s birthday party by thinking/believing that I should go to the party because “I just should” instead of questioning this attitude or mindset because self is not considered, but social acceptances/ideas/norms are, so within this, I see within my society we are pressured, or obliged to go to parties even if we don’t want to, because we “should” or that if we don’t we won’t be popular, etc, even within the realization or knowledge that the party will be not supportive for self or self won’t enjoy it, and this leads one to doing things they really don’t want to, compromising themselves and their decisions
I will continue with this in the next blog post…thanks for reading!
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