233. Jealousy – Wants & Desires SCS

Continued from:

When and as I see myself desire to go on luxurious paid trips, I stop and I breathe. I realize it is a desire and thus not practically here in this moment, so I assist and support myself to do some deep breathings and keep myself focus on stabilizing myself in my life and walking my process daily through real time application since I realize that is what really matters/is important now

When I see myself become jealous X through their pictures and reading their words of their adventures, I stop and I breathe. I realize that they are 1% of the 99% of people on this planet able to experience such luxurious/glamorous/exciting situations/events while the majority actually live in less-than-optimal lives and thus wasting energy of jealousy on someone’s life is USELESS because it will get me nowhere and does nothing for me except keep me emotional while I instead can use the energy to work on me and my process, so from this –
I commit myself to stop and let go the jealousy energy when I see the positive, nice luxurious and fun life of X and instead practice in keeping me focused and grounded and humble with where I am and what I need to do to keep me stable in my life and my self-relationship, improving who I am as an individual with what I do because I realize the bigger picture that with walking my process I can not only benefit my life but benefit the lives of others

I commit myself to realize only the 1% get chosen/picked through companies and organizations to attend these glamorous/exciting/luxurious events because they fit something the companies/organizations need/want in order to gain profit/attention and thus me getting jealous over someone who attends these events is pointless since such opportunities only fuel profit and the world system as is, where the companies/organizations do not care about you, but only care with what you can give to them to increase profit

When and as I see myself think and believe that I could have been chosen or that ”could have been me,” attending such glamorous/luxurious/exciting events when I see X at these places, I stop and I breathe. I realize that within me I can identify and see myself as being equally skilled and worthy of attending such events and yet I realize realistically I am not, and even though I really ”want to,” be at those events such energy on the desire of wanting to be there, and the energy of thinking/believing it could have been me attending those events are pointless and a waste of energy that can instead be used in supporting me in my life and process, so thus —

I commit myself to breathe and shift my focus from being jealous to asking the question ”how can I assist and support myself right now in this moment that will benefit me and my life?”

To be continued…

Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
Self & Living: Solutions to Personal Every Day Problems
EQAFE.com  Self-Improvement Interviews
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Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it’s Finest
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232. Opening Up Jealousy – Part 2 – Wants & Desires

 Continuing from:
231. Opening Up Jealousy – Part 1

”So how to stop nature of competition is to let go of primary self interest of wants, needs, desires and how you would manipulate your world and reality through and as jealousy.” –The Origin and Nature of Jealousy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want the same opportunities as X, meaning, the fame and the attention that they through their work/online activity
through attending luxurious events and going on paid trips and participating in activities that I find fun and exciting and become jealous of X because I am not able to do or experience what they do

From this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become jealous of X for being how they are, meaning – pretty and thin and attractive where they get opportunities to travel, go abroad and meet new people — things that I cannot physically be and do and from this I realize that X is only 1% of the people in this world who gets these opportunities, who has these events to attend to, who has the beauty/appearance and skills that gives them these glamorous/exciting/luxurious opportunities that I want but cannot have at the moment

From this I realize that because they are 1% the other 99% of this world live less-than-optimum lives considering the state of this world and the world economic system, that not everyone is able to enjoy and attend exciting/luxurious/glamorous events like X does, and within this I see, realize and understand that getting jealous over X and their travels/attendance to such glamorous/exciting/luxurious events only happens to the 1%, to the select few who get chosen/invited by select companies and organizations from which all of this then contributes to separation and the inequality that exists today where everyone else — the 99% — do not get to enjoy and attend these glamorous/luxurious/exciting events because they do not fit with what the company/organizations want/need

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at X and others who are able to attend free events where they get to eat free delicious food, try on free makeup/clothes at their liking, meet and greet with celebrities, travel to places for free, go to luxurious spas and hotels for free — basically, people who are able to live and taste the luxurious life because I want to be able to experience such a life but am not at this moment, as well as the majority of human beings in this world, and so from this I realize it is best to just let this go and to realize that  only opportunities come to the select few, the 1% while the other 99% have to work hard and go through much hardships to get by in life, which of course is not fair but this is how the world is and works currently…it is what we have allowed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at the thought that ”it could have been me” being able to explore and experience a luxurious life that I see X does, where they meet with skilled and famous people, travel to different countries free, go to different fancy hotels, where I think and believe that ”could have been me” if I were able to be in their shoes and do what they do, that I could have the same life as them if I were to change some things in my life, not realizing how they got to where they are now is due to many factors and opportunities that came into their life, many things and points that came together to get to where they are now that I cannot copy or imitate or reenact because it’s organic and unique and is what came to them, something which I cannot copy or get because it happened to them in its own unique way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react emotionally in anger to the thought ”It’s not fair that X gets to do that!” to the activities and events they get to explore and attend because I want to explore and travel and discover new places and meet new people, desires and wants that I want fulfilled however, with how current reality runs, especially since the money system does not allow everyone to live out and fulfill their dreams, I must come back to earth and remain practical and humble with what I’m doing, to focus more on how I can use my skills and voice to contribute to creating a world best for all, where all would be able to live a life of luxury as the final result, because yes, it is not fair/cool that 1% get to live fun exciting luxurious lives while the 99% live in less-than-optimal conditions and lives

So from this I see that I am reacting emotionally to the reality of inequality/unfairness of certain people being able to experience certain luxurious/glamorous/exciting lives because I know and believe I am just as capable and skilled as them to deserve to go to these places and experience a luxurious/exciting/glamorous life place myself in their shoes. I realize it is only a select few able to taste this kind of life, and if you are picked to attend such an event you are lucky out of the many, you are the ”fortunate” one. Yet in the end, these events– do they really matter? Sure you  had fun and it was exciting, but did anything substantial come out of it? We are all going to die someday and face what we’ve done… so is what I’m doing now going to benefit me and others and that which is best for all? Those are some questions I’m going to ask myself to keep myself within focus and humbleness towards what I’m doing in my life.

Self-Corrective Statements and Commitments to come.

(Image Source)

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Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it’s Finest
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231. Opening Up Jealousy – Introduction

Note: The series My Relationship with Alcohol is on hold and the point of Jealousy will be focused on for the time being since this is a prominent point that requires to be dealt with.

Jealousy can make one turn into a mean, manipulative person.

There is this woman, who is my age. She is skilled in photography, knowledgeable about the city we both live in, a teacher and has similar characteristics I see in myself. She is successful and very well known and popular, also pretty and thin.  And I find myself extremely jealous of her.

This jealousy started to come when I found myself in competition with her after I launched my travel blog. Because she had her blog before me and developed quite the attention and following, I felt competitive towards her, wanting to be better than her. It got to the point where I couldn’t fall asleep cause I kept thinking about her and wanting to find ways to improve my travel blog and be successful. I stayed up for hours developing a plan, becoming an insomniac, completely possessed with a drive to succeed, to be better than her and I knew this was a problem.

I walked Self-Forgiveness, came to realizations and common sense, which cleared a lot of the energy, but that was not enough — I knew I had to dig more, find out more of myself in this energy and how to direct myself from it –getting to the actual corrections, because the jealousy still kept popping out and it will always pop up until I transcend it.

So I listened to the first recording by the Atlanteans on Jealousy. It was so supportive I was ”blown away” and many things made sense to me– why I was so jealous and wanted to direct my reality in a way were I was better and more successful than her. Behind jealousy is actually competition and comparison, and that comes from a history of human civilization that I never knew of but found out in the recording.

From this, I knew that I require to walk the process of jealousy, and what better way than to walk it now and here when the jealousy is fresh and this woman will be a constant in my life (I follow her blog and Instagram) and I am quite sure I will bump into her in the future, so I am also walking this point to become stable and supportive when I am with her or with others who I would be jealous towards.

Okay, so this is an introduction, and I am looking forward to walking this point.

Educational & Supportive Websites:
Journey to Life Blogs:     Personal Journeys of Self-Discovery
Self & Living: Solutions to Personal Every Day Problems
EQAFE.com  Self-Improvement Interviews
DIP Lite:  Free Self-Development Online Course
Desteni I Process: Online Self-Mastery Course at it’s Finest
8Relationship Agreement Course: Empower Yourself, Strengthen your Relationships

Day 173: Feeling Left out With Friends

Man thinking on a train journey.
Man thinking on a train journey. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Continuing from:
Day 172: Going to a Party You Don’t Want to Go To

I am taking this memory apart and exposing points/patterns I accepted and allowed myself to exist in:

I was around 10, in the car with girls or “my friends” from my class. The girls were being loud in the car, talking. 
They sounded happy. I in my mind projected myself separate from them in the car, with me being a distance away from them while in reality I was tightly shoved by the window next to my friend

  • Idea/Belief to be separate from the girls due to an Experience that feels as if I am in fact separate from the girls as what they show/embody in their expression which in this case was ‘happiness’.
  • Accepting and allowing me to be, see and define me as separate from Happiness itself.
Within me I experienced what I defined as being “left out” feeling not included and within that sinking in a depression/sadness where it felt like a hole was in my solar plexus. 
  • Accepting and allowing me/Self to go into depression/sadness when/if I am is not part of something or believes to not be part of something.
  • Defining me and my experience according to being or not being ‘part’ of something.
  • Belief that something is wrong/flawed with me if I am not included/part of something (like the girls conversation and laughter) -> thus Self-Image, Self-Belief and Self-Acceptance Issues.
I then started thinking how I want to go home, be home, I wish I didn’t come, why did I come, I didn’t want to come… manipulating myself within this. 
  • Regret and Anger at myself for compromising me to go to the party while I did not really wanted to go and would have preferred to be somewhere else and do something else.
  • Backchat with where I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate me to continue existing within the experience of separation from happiness that was observed within the other girls instead of realizing that happiness is a living word that Self can live alone as for example enjoying me in mys body or in the presence/company of others, even simple things such as enjoying the air I breathe in and out and / or the scenery of my Physical Surrounding.
  • Accepting and allowing me to through the mind with backchat manipulate me into remain existing within this experience of depression and sadness due to the belief/acceptance that I am Separate from the characteristics/properties that the girls in the car represented which was happiness or a point of ‘belonging’/’being part of the group/’.
I longed to go home, and within that, felt the same way like who I was on the first day of school. I started to tear up and this was comforting as I tuned the outside noise around me and indulged within the crying.
  • Experience of Powerlessness and Helplessness and crying with regards to what I was experiencing, instead of seeing and realizing that I was just really accepting and allowing self to see/define/believe/accept me to be Separate from what was going on/the Moment(s) and characteristics that the girls were portraying/showing/resonating to/according to how I perceived the characteristics/moments of the girls interacting/talking with each other and laughing – and that the solution is as simple as forgiving me for separating myself from Happiness and whatever Characteristics I see/define myself to be separate from that the girls represented with their laughter and conversations. 
  • I did not realize that I was not really powerless and helpless but simply not accepting and allowing myself to embrace me as Happiness/Self-Enjoyment here and all the Characteristics that I believed/felt like I was lacking/not having that the girls were representing with their laughter and conversations and interactions with each other.
It was then my friend asked in what I perceived to be in a mean, criticizing voice: “are you crying?” I said no, thought about all the girls looking at me, waiting for my response so that they can jump onto judgements with their glances with each other. I felt embarrassed from all of this. I was caught from crying to where I perceived/thought I was seen like a baby, a wimp, and now all eyes are on me.

  • Fear of Humiliation/Being Humiliated by others
  • Fear of the opinion and judgement of others. 
  • Me being dependent on how others see, define and feel about me.
  • Accepting and allowing me to judge me as a wimp and baby for the act of crying or not feeling well emotionally and what I was experiencing due to all the things that were going on within my mind.
  • Fear of being vulnerable and other people being able to see that I am not feeling well.
  • Self-Accepted and allowed Self-Belief that if I cry or do not feel well emotionally/feeling-wise that that means that I am Inferior for Real, while that is not so at all but just a Self-Belief.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project me being physically  seperate from from my friends, placing them on one side and me being at the other, when in reality I was literally sitting next to them, sharing the same space with them, not realizing how I was manipulating myself into believing and perpetuating the idea that I am so separate from my friends.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from being here in the car, being here with my friends through participating and indulging in the mind of thoughts and ideas of being left out.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that in order to be included in the group I must act/participate and not expect others to make me feel/be included.  I see that in order to be included within the group I must participate in the group. Within this, I see I existed in self-interest within this desire of being included within the group without having to be equal to everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate the idea and belief that I am being left out by physically representing this belief by turning my body away from my friends and not participating in the conversation, physically indicating that I don’t want to be involved with what’s going on.
So I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see how I am responsible for being left out of the group through first believing it so within my mind and then through my body language of turning away from my friends, crossing my arms and looking out the windowinstead of testing it out in fact by interacting/participating in reality.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to change my body language of dropping my arms, turning my body toward my friends to challenge the idea I created that I am being left out. I realize that within my mind I had been whining and manipulating myself into believing that I am left out, while all the while I was the one responsible for leaving myself out of the conversation/interaction with girls through my own body language and perceptions according to my mind.
Will continue in the next post…

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Day 172: Going to a Party You Don’t Want To Go To


Continuing from:
Day 171: Compromising Yourself for Friends

Memory:

When I was in the 5th grade I got invited to go to a friend‘s birthday party, however, I was uncomfortable with this because according to who my friend was and the people she was inviting, I had a knowing or a prediction that I wasn’t going to enjoy myself. This is because I’ve seen who my friend is with these certain girls, and the girls themselves I had defined as “mean” and seeing myself as different than these girls, I was uncomfortable because I knew who I was with those girls and I would have a difficult time getting along with them. I really didn’t want to go to the party, and within me I was quite confident within saying no and being okay with that, but saying no in a way of making an excuse such as “I’m sick” or something, cause I didn’t’ want to straight up say no, I was not confident with that in the first place. Yet I was certain and cool with not going – and this is what I wanted to do. But somehow, from what I remember, my mom got involved and questioned me on why I didn’t want to go and I remember standing there uncertain, the words unable to express why didn’t come up and so I then in that moment succumbed to my mother’s suggestion and went.

So along the way, driving to the party, I was really uncomfortable with a feeling in my stomach, I can describe it as a ‘giving in and having to deal with it,’ sort of thing where it’s ‘out of my control’ and basically forced out of my will to do this. Looking back at it, if I could have, I would have stood defiantly within my decision and not allow myself to waver from my mother’s words but of course, I did not have the skills or education or confidence to do so. I went to that party and just as expected/predicted did not have a good time. I was insecure, nervous, intimidated, timid and took things very personally. We all went bowling and the car ride going home I cried silently and alone until my friend asked me “are you crying?” in front of everyone and I put up a illusive shield and said “no,” while a silence was there and I imagined/thought about my friend exchanging glances with the other girls within judgment, as that was a common behavior I hated that she did with the other girls.

That was also when I really saw for myself how I honestly did want to go to this party but compromised myself for no real reason except that according to mom “I should go.” I was so upset at myself when I realized this.

Points noted:

-Compromised myself, did not stand up for myself, did not stand up to my mom by standing with my decision and saying no, and sticking to it
-waver within myself when my mom questioned me, thinking that I should go, the excuse was ‘she is my friend, it is her birthday party…’
-accumulate backchat of ‘I want to go home,’ as a pity party for me, bringing up tears in my friend’s mom’s car,

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise me by succumbing to another’s suggestion to go to a birthday party when I really did not want to go because I knew I would not enjoy myself there

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going to someone’s birthday party because of the people being invited and me not knowing who I can connect or be comfortable with because every person I know is going I have judged/percieved as being mean and/or I won’t be able to get along with them/enjoy myself with them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid the people I have defined/perceived as “mean” instead of asking myself what do they do that I don’t like/that I define as mean, so I can then from there, see who I am within it all and if I am just taking their words/behaviors personally

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am afraid to be myself around others at the birthday party for in fear of being judged and ridiculed, instead of realizing that if I was being “myself” as who I really am and okay with who I am, I wouldn’t care about what others think/say about me, so within this I see that I have become someone who relies heavily on other’s words and what they do and that I have insecurity on simply being/expressing me. So the point within this – is that I can assist and support me to find solutions about being uncomfortable expressing who I am in front of others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand my ground within saying no to another’s request of going to their birthday party because I honestly did not want to go

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand my ground within the decision to not go to the birthday party through the gathering of memories and knowledge of the people involved within the birthday party of them not being ‘people I would enjoy myself with’ because of who they are in their words and behaviors and so within this I realize there is nothing “bad” about turning down an initiation especially if one sees the party as being something not supportive for self and one can do something else for oneself that would be more enjoyable

From this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt upon not wanting to go to another’s birthday party by thinking/believing that I should go to the party because “I just should” instead of questioning this attitude or mindset because self is not considered, but social acceptances/ideas/norms are, so within this, I see within my society we are pressured, or obliged to go to parties even if we don’t want to, because we “should” or that if we don’t we won’t be popular, etc, even within the realization or knowledge that the party will be not supportive for self or self won’t enjoy it, and this leads one to doing things they really don’t want to, compromising themselves and their decisions

I will continue with this in the next blog post…thanks for reading!

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Day 171: Compromising Yourself for Friends

I will take a pause right now from continuing with my previous blog post titled Why Am I So Tired When I Hang out With Friends Part 2 to write out about some points that came up when I hung out with another group of friends this weekend.

So, what was interesting was that I did not want to hang out with these people in the first place. I had made a decision a while ago within emotional energy to never hang out with them again. I found myself to judge them and what they talked about, what they ate and what we did. I basically felt like I had to do things and participate in things I didn’t want to do and this made me angry. From this, I made the decision to never hang out with them again. However, in December one of the friends contacted me asking me if I want to hang out again, and within me the same energy of the determined decision of “I’m never hanging out with you again” came forth, but I went against that and said “yes…sure…” however, was not completely “for it” within my words .

So my question to myself is: why did I do that even though I told myself to never hang out with them again? Oh, because I’m afraid they will get mad at me if  I tell them I don’t want to hang out with them. I imagined if I were to say that, my friend would feel “hurt” and have a frown on her face, so “I don’t want to make her upset…” .

Now the problem within this is that I compromised myself. I did make a decision but did not completely stick to it. Yes, I understand the decision was based within energy, but was also very sure never to hang out with them again, but when I was asked to hang out with them “fell” within this decision.

So not only was I feeling uncomfortable about hanging out/making plans with this person, but that she wanted to spend the weekend with me with her friend and sister. I went along with it, she and I made some specific plans, and then I got sick, had to reschedule plans, and then the night before they were to come I had a major panic attack where I had difficulty sleeping. With the support from my partner, I found points were related to feeling like I had “no choice” but to hang out with them and believing it’s going to be like a time when I was a child being stuck with these friends and feeling like I have no way out to leave them and becoming emotional about it.

However, this point of “having no choice” to be with them does not align absolutely in reality because I did “have a choice” and I could have cancelled plans if I wanted to, even though if I were to cancel plans they would probably get upset plus I would a lot of waste money on some things we already reserved (showing me how much I trapped myself in shit).

The interesting thing was: I ended up actually enjoying myself with them, and I was very surprised with this, and even looked at what did I make such a big deal about in the first place, I’m having fun…. until it came time for when I wanted to go home, but one of the girls wanted to hang out longer to go shopping, and I stayed with her and from this, saw myself go into backchat, judgements and then the enjoyment started to decrease and I felt like I was back to where I was in the beginning not wanting to be with her. I did not stand up to her within my decision to leave but compromised myself again.

So, one thing I’m going to look at this point of “choice” and having “no choice” when I am out with friends. Also, I will most specifically start going back to my childhood and look at the memories I have there from when this pattern of wanting to please friends/not wanting to get my friend’s mad began, which I can see started when I was in elementary school, about 10-11 years old. This will be most interesting to explore. Thanks for reading!

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Day 170: Why Am I So Tired When I Hang out with Friends? Part 2

My problem I am facing is not wanting to walk this point of understanding why I get so tired when I’m around this friend, S, of mine. I identified a part of it is because I am insecure about sharing what I see and know to my friend, being open and honest about me, and I must ask myself, well then, why am I still friends with her if I am unable to be myself? To express myself?

From what I understand through an Atlantean interview I listened to, tiredness can be a result of stress, fear and/or anxiety. This makes sense to me because when I am with my friend, S, I do see myself go into these reactions.

One fear that comes up is that if I were to talk/by myself we would have nothing in common and that our values would clash. This is so because what pops up is how she’s into sports and alcohol, and I’m not, but this defines her in limitation because we do have many things in common actually. What I want to do for myself, is next time when I hang out with her, to speak up more, within consideration of my friend/her mind/process and see where it takes me, because otherwise, if I suppress myself or believe that I shouldn’t speak of something for in fear of getting into conflict or having me and my friend ‘clash’ I am compromising myself, suppressing myself, and allowing my fears to ‘win.’

I see I am afraid of the conflict or reactions or the uncomfortable feelings/reactions I would experience if I were to be open and honest about me to my friend. What I will do for myself is to write out a list of the fears I have, identify memories, and then walk self-forgiveness on these fears.


Fears & Memories:

1) Afraid that what I share, specifically points of the world/humanity will be criticized/disagreed with (memory of my sister in the car comes up, memory of me in the car with C and thinking my friend isn’t interested in what I’m talking about and feeling insecure)

2) Afraid of her rejecting me as a friend/not wanting to hang out with me anymore because “we’ve had a long friendship” and “she is the only friend I have.”

These and more points I will walk within the next blog posts sharing my Self-Forgiveness and Self-Realizations. In the meantime, take a listen to this interview below:

https://eqafe.com/p/friends-and-memories-quantum-systemization-part-34

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