Day 171: Compromising Yourself for Friends

I will take a pause right now from continuing with my previous blog post titled Why Am I So Tired When I Hang out With Friends Part 2 to write out about some points that came up when I hung out with another group of friends this weekend.

So, what was interesting was that I did not want to hang out with these people in the first place. I had made a decision a while ago within emotional energy to never hang out with them again. I found myself to judge them and what they talked about, what they ate and what we did. I basically felt like I had to do things and participate in things I didn’t want to do and this made me angry. From this, I made the decision to never hang out with them again. However, in December one of the friends contacted me asking me if I want to hang out again, and within me the same energy of the determined decision of “I’m never hanging out with you again” came forth, but I went against that and said “yes…sure…” however, was not completely “for it” within my words .

So my question to myself is: why did I do that even though I told myself to never hang out with them again? Oh, because I’m afraid they will get mad at me if  I tell them I don’t want to hang out with them. I imagined if I were to say that, my friend would feel “hurt” and have a frown on her face, so “I don’t want to make her upset…” .

Now the problem within this is that I compromised myself. I did make a decision but did not completely stick to it. Yes, I understand the decision was based within energy, but was also very sure never to hang out with them again, but when I was asked to hang out with them “fell” within this decision.

So not only was I feeling uncomfortable about hanging out/making plans with this person, but that she wanted to spend the weekend with me with her friend and sister. I went along with it, she and I made some specific plans, and then I got sick, had to reschedule plans, and then the night before they were to come I had a major panic attack where I had difficulty sleeping. With the support from my partner, I found points were related to feeling like I had “no choice” but to hang out with them and believing it’s going to be like a time when I was a child being stuck with these friends and feeling like I have no way out to leave them and becoming emotional about it.

However, this point of “having no choice” to be with them does not align absolutely in reality because I did “have a choice” and I could have cancelled plans if I wanted to, even though if I were to cancel plans they would probably get upset plus I would a lot of waste money on some things we already reserved (showing me how much I trapped myself in shit).

The interesting thing was: I ended up actually enjoying myself with them, and I was very surprised with this, and even looked at what did I make such a big deal about in the first place, I’m having fun…. until it came time for when I wanted to go home, but one of the girls wanted to hang out longer to go shopping, and I stayed with her and from this, saw myself go into backchat, judgements and then the enjoyment started to decrease and I felt like I was back to where I was in the beginning not wanting to be with her. I did not stand up to her within my decision to leave but compromised myself again.

So, one thing I’m going to look at this point of “choice” and having “no choice” when I am out with friends. Also, I will most specifically start going back to my childhood and look at the memories I have there from when this pattern of wanting to please friends/not wanting to get my friend’s mad began, which I can see started when I was in elementary school, about 10-11 years old. This will be most interesting to explore. Thanks for reading!

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Day 12: Energetic Highs and Lows of Love – Part 1

Today I was watching an old episode of the TV show Glee.  One of the characters, Kurt, is a gay teenager who secretly is ‘in love’ with his best friend Blaine, who is also gay.  And while the two were getting coffee together, Blaine tells Kurt that for Valentine’s Day he wants to sing a song to express his love for this boy he has a crush on, and Kurt thinks that Blaine is talking about him.  However, later on in the episode, Blaine announces to his fellow Glee-members that the guy he wants to sing the song for is one of the junior managers at a clothing store (so – it’s not Kurt). 
Now as for me, the point I am taking responsibility for is my reaction towards all of this. Because what happened was I became ‘attached’ to the character Kurt and allowed myself to become emotionally involved with Kurt and Blaine’s friendship-relationship to the extent where it was like I was Kurt and I would go into this energetic state of love when I would see Blaine on TV, and then would go into anticipation, hoping their friendship will turn into a romantic one. 

The reason I think I became ‘attached’ to Kurt was because he reminded me of a young man I use to mentor that I had become quite attached with.  And since both the young man and Kurt’s expressions were so similar it was very easy for me to connect the young man to Kurt on Glee and become attached to him.

So… when Blaine announced it was another guy he was in love with what happened was that I experienced devastation where I physically walked away from the TV because I did not want to look at and face what happened.  I allowed myself to become emotionally effected by a TV show. 
What brings up this point is that in school, whenever I would have an intense crush on a guy or a celebrity, I would go off into my mind, participating in ideas and fantasies, creating energetic experiences within myself towards the outcome of a  feel good experience within myself.  These energetic experiences provided an escape from reality BUT then… reality would slap me in the face when the guy I liked is with another women because I realize that what I participated in was only in my head and NOT REAL.  Yet even to this day I still see I still have not stopped this pattern within me, so I will be walking this point in taking responsibility for my participation in this pattern — facing reality by facing the reactions of rejection, devastation and disappointment  in relation to having certain expectations, ideas and hopes towards ‘love’. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when I found out that what I had hoped and expected did not come true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to a TV character so much so, that I created energetic experiences within me where it was like I was the character and I was experiencing what I perceived the character was experiencing as feelings within themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become absorbed in the emotions of others, by creating energy experiences within me that I perceive as being the same energetic experiences the character on TV is going through, not realizing that I cannot feel another’s energetic experiences as the only energetic experiences and feelings I create are within me and only experienced by me, thus by perceiving that I am able to feel another feelings is actually false.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate a TV character’s relationship to be formed with another whom I have experienced ‘love’ towards because I have attached myself to the relationship by accepting and allowing myself to participate in energetic experience of love to the point where I become so emotionally involved it is like I am walking into a relationship on TV because I am the character that is going into a relationship with another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so consumed in the TV show and the romantic lives and dramas of others that I have not become aware of my breath and reality.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the reason I became attached to the TV character and allowed myself to create energetic experiences within myself through how I perceive the character must be experiencing is because I liked the character’s expression, and that which I like, I attach to.

 I see here something interesting, and that is, if I like something, I will accept it and become attached to it, but if I don’t like something (and this even pertains to people) I will reject it.  So this is a cool point to take on in future blog posts that will support me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel personally rejected when a character on TV

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build upon energetic experiences of love within through participating in the mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions, fantasies and desires and accumulate the energetic experience of love up to a certain extent until reality slaps me in the face and I am faced with the truth of reality.