Day 223: Walking Me as the Temper-Tantrum Child

This is a continuation of the blog post: Reality Clashing with Desires, where I shared my observations of having frustration/anger/temper tantrum in regards to the idea that getting an apartment on my own with my partner is taking longer than I expected and want.

Now, my partner and I went to a government-sponsored apartment agency the other day with the expectation and idea that at our appointment with the worker they will show us available apartments that we can choose from to check out/look at. What ended up happening was the woman telling us that we need to use their website to get on a waiting list in order to look at the apartments, which is what we have been doing for 2-3 months with the waiting lists already being full. They told us it can take up to 3 years to find an apartment through them, because so many people use their agency.

When I heard of the news and realized we still have to wait to get an apartment, that no apartments are readily available to us, I could feel myself go into the temper tantrum/anger pattern. A strong righteous anger came up from my solar plexus right into my head, it felt like it was behind my forehead. I knew in that instant I was in a possession. I was NOT happy, and I had a very difficult time being calm and stable within the meeting, so I did what I could in that moment to stabilize myself — self-forgiveness, rational thinking, etc.

After the meeting, it was like I was fighting with myself, a part of me wanted to express my dissatisfaction outwardly, but then another part knew that was not right/best because that would indicate I am in reaction, giving my power to the mind/energy, allowing myself to be LESS than energy/the mind/reaction. Though there came a moment where I wanted to express my anger by hitting something. I could actually feel the huge desire to physically hit something, as a way for me to ‘get out’ or express the anger I was existing within, as an outlet, to discharge the energy for a moment. I never had experienced this strong desire to emotionally act out/hit before, plus I see that even if I were to punch a pillow for example, it would only temporarily assist me but the underlying problem (my anger) still needs to be sorted out.  What I did was just breathe through the reaction until I was okay again.

So I am here to sort out this temper tantrum/anger, because I am ‘done’ with it and I have seen how much it has been taking over my life/who I am.  The earliest I can trace this pattern back is to childhood, specifically at my own birthday parties where I can recall I would end up crying at my own birthday party cause I wasn’t ‘satisfied’ with anything.

From what I can remember from childhood, one of the reasons why I was not happy and went into the anger/temper tantrum was because my mom had control over everything: She planned all the activities and events at my party and I had no control or say over how I wanted things to go. I do remember my mom asking me what activity I wanted to do first, but even within that I felt stressed and suffocated in a way. I had no real reference or information on exactly how each activity goes/is played because I wasn’t part of the creation process, so I felt very unsure and uncomfortabe, and I think my mom ended up choosing/deciding for me, and I went along with it.  This is perhaps why I went into a lot of stress and dissatisfaction at the majority of my birthday parties, because I had no role, control/direction or certainty of what is going on within birthday party process. Within that is an anger towards my mom for not considering me to have a role at my party, where she took absolute control without –what I perceive — any regard for me and what I wanted to do.

Okay, I will stop here and continue with more in the next blog. Thanks for reading.

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Day 205: Who Am I Without My Mother?

Continuing from:
Who Am I Alone?

It was the first night my family was gone and I knew I would be seeing them tomorrow. I just had to hop on a plane. The first reaction that comes up is fear because I project through my mind my mom not being around. She has always been someone who has always provided support in the household, whether it’s cooking or cleaning up a mess I made, she was always there, eventually ‘picking up after me.’ Now, that she was not there, it was as if I experienced a shock of not having that external support around me, and then the fear comes up of not knowing what to do with myself. I felt very empty inside like I lost or left a part of myself with my mother, like that support she has always given me was not around. So there was this illusionary experience of feeling/being empty, like half empty. Then there was the anxiety of not knowing what to do, but then a stress within projecting everything I needed to do that day came up because I had to prepare and pack for a flight tomorrow. I still had not yet sorted out or directed the fear point of not having my mother or family members as that external support of being around, and I started to feel unwell about it when I did my errands. It’s interesting cause I realize if I had given myself some time to do some writing before I went off to do errands, then maybe I wouldn’t have gotten so sick because through the writing I would have been able to see more clearly why I am reacting in fear and be able to direct it. Eventually as I walked my errands, I started to get a pain the bridge of my nose indicating sinus pressure. The pain then spread as a headache across my forehead and then I started to feel ill. When I got home I became so dizzy I threw up. I dealt with a stomach ache and nausea that entire night and the next morning. Then interestingly enough, once I got off the plane and greeted my mother and family the nausea went away and I felt fine.

Underlying points within the memory:

–React in fear towards a projection of my mom disappearing from me, no longer being around

–Fear of no longer having anyone to help instead of realizing that if I require help I trust that I will find the means to do so/to find help

–Fear/anxiety of not knowing what to do with myself/having lack of self-trust having depended on others to move me/direct me

–That who I depended on not being there, feel empty, like a part of me left

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to a projection of my mother suddenly disappearing from me because I have connected no longer having my mother around to it being something scary because I realize I have depended on my mother so much and gave so much trust to her in taking care of me I have not allowed myself to develop the skills necessary to live/be on my own which is why imagining her disappearing from my life I see it as being unable to live without her

From this, I commit myself to investigate where I need to educate myself so I become confident living within the world system since I realize I have allowed myself to depend on others to take care of me and my survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am incapable of taking care of myself alone because I have depended on another instead of realizing the responsibility of my part that I believed myself to be fine living and depending on another instead of realizing there will come a time when I cannot depend on them forever as death comes to each one of us

I commit myself to understand the reality of death and to never take anyone or anything for granted in terms of depending on them to not take responsibility for myself but to learn from them/others and assist myself in understanding how to live on this planet in a way where I can live effectively

So thus, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept the reality that I cannot depend on my mother for the rest of my life, that it will get to the point where I cannot depend on her anymore, thus

I commit myself to use the realization that I cannot depend on my mother for the rest of my life as motivation to start living and understanding myself and how to work/live in this system, how to essentially ‘grow up’ and learn how this world works since it’ll get to a point where my mom will not be here anymore

Will continue in the next blog post…thanks for reading!

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Day 204: Who Am I Alone?

An interesting point opened up for me where I was asked if I had looked at the fear of being alone. This question came up after I discussed some personal points with the person about how I have had difficulty stabilizing myself while living here in a foreign country. This brought up a memory where my family went on a short holiday while I stayed home to work and I ended up getting sick because I was so anxious being alone without them.

So this will be an interesting journey as I explore this point.

Let me first dissect a memory where I could see myself really reacting to being alone:

It was the first night my family was gone and I knew I would be seeing them tomorrow. I just had to hop on a plane. The first reaction that comes up is fear because I project through my mind my mom not being around. She has always been someone who has always provided support in the household, whether it’s cooking or cleaning up a mess I made, she was always there, eventually ‘picking up after me.’ Now, that she was not there, it was as if I experienced a shock of not having that external support around me, and then the fear comes up of not knowing what to do with myself. I felt very empty inside like I lost or left a part of myself with my mother, like that support she has always given me was not around. So there was this illusionary experience of feeling/being empty, like half empty. Then there was the anxiety of not knowing what to do, but then a stress within projecting everything I needed to do that day came up because I had to prepare and pack for a flight tomorrow. I still had not yet sorted out or directed the fear point of not having my mother or family members as that external support of being around, and I started to feel unwell about it when I did my errands. It’s interesting cause I realize if I had given myself some time to do some writing before I went off to do errands, then maybe I wouldn’t have gotten so sick because through the writing I would have been able to see more clearly why I am reacting in fear and be able to direct it.

Eventually as I walked my errands, I started to get a pain the bridge of my nose indicating sinus pressure. The pain then spread as a headache across my forehead and then I started to feel ill. When I got home I became so dizzy I threw up. I dealt with a stomach ache and nausea that entire night and the next morning. Then interestingly enough, once I got off the plane and greeted my mother and family the nausea went away and I felt fine.

The extent to which emotions can influence the body is astounding. This realization came through after a Destonian showed me how one can put so much pressure on the body through emotions/being emotional one can become sick, the body can handle only so much, so that is why it is so important to move and direct yourself IMMEDIATELY when emotions come up within you. This I have now taken seriously after having dealt with random health issues and experiences for the last 6 months. That I really cannot any more allow myself and my body to go through pressure of emotions due my own participation within them. So far I have been practising being more aware of myself, breathing, and using self-forgiveness when I see an emotion/energy movement come up inside me. It is tough because I have noticed points where I didn’t want to say Self-Forgiveness and let go of the point which means I need to look deeper into it.

So, I am going to walk the Alone point now in this blog since it is relevant to what is going on now in my life.

In the next blog post I will continue with dissecting the memory and walking Self-Forgiveness.

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Day 188: Fear of Flying Support

I spent the weekend in another state and thus had to fly. I walked writings in relation to the fear of flying before and realized the best I can do for myself is to relax my body, accept the moment and do my thing/keep busy while flying, because I have no control of the plane. Flying is just another form of transportation, like taking a train or a boat, except you are in the air and experience the occasional turbulence.

About turbulence… this was what I really didn’t like at first, and I would go into instant emotional reactions when I would feel the slightest bumps and dips of the plane and when it became more moderate would go into tons of stress. I began practicing to breathe, to stop projecting what may come and be here, allowing myself to “embrace” the turbulence so to speak, and this assisted and supported me in accepting it, allowing it to come and go. I understand that I can’t do anything about it, so I have to accept it.

Another point is also that I had the tendency to before flying to go into “what-if” scenarios while on the plane ride. After listening to the EQAFE interview Death Research: Plane Crash interviews I learned it’s best not to entertain these fears and I have found this type of participation/entertainment within the mind only perpetuates fear and does absolutely nothing to support me, but actually makes me feel “worse” or more nervous and anxious . So, I practiced with stopping participation by breathing and not allowing the particular thoughts to continue. I would tell myself I can only trust/embrace this moment, and take things moment by moment. It’s really the truth – I really can’t predict reality, I can’t tell you what’s going to happen in the next five minutes (unless I deliberately plan to do something) – reality is unpredictable so the best I see is to take things moment by moment – stop the projections and fears about flying and just be here in the moment, doing your thing.

To make myself relax on the plane, I would at times read a magazine or rest my eyes. I do suggest for those who are “nervous fliers” to do something you enjoy on the plane, that makes you relax and/or keeps you focused. Much time went by when I would read.

Medicine or medication can be a bridge to assist those nervous/anxious fliers. Flying can also make one a bit sick so sitting over the wing of the plane and/or taking motion-sickness pills may help.

In time to come I will add more support, but this is all I see at this moment. I have to get some unpacking done tonight now. Thanks for reading.

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Day 184: How I Allowed Another’s Words to Influence Me

Continuing from:    Surprise Text

The basic context of one memory I have is where I am nervous/anxious/uncomfortable around X and when I saw them and their mother last year.

This person sits on the couch and I didn’t want to sit by them yet don’t want to leave the room completely, so I sat by the table. I was afraid to leave or else they would make a comment or judge me about it and I would take it personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate within uncertainty about where to sit by not wanting to be too close where I have to be involved in the conversation and yet far away so I don’t appear cold instead of sorting out my problem in the first place: not wanting to be around this certain person

I realize that I have a resistance towards this person, which is why I didn’t want to sit or be near them. I wanted to essentially be cut out of the conversation because I didn’t know what to say and I was sure this person and I really couldn’t discuss anything since we don’t meet eye to eye on many topics. However, I realize they are showing something about me to me, when I react to what I see X is doing, that indicated I exist in that which I reacted in some way or another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncertain as to what to do while in the presence of this person because I have resistance to talk to them because I define who they are negatively and thus don’t want to be around them instead of realizing I am holding onto memories and using them to justify why this person is the way they is thus I have nothing to do with it, instead of realizing my responsibility towards this – that any thought, opinion or judgement I have towards another is what I need to take responsibility for as these things are abusive to life on earth

I realize that no judgement or thought or opinion is harmless – they contribute and support the mind consciousness system that is built on separation and resourcing energy from the physical to feed its existence in self-interest with no consideration of others and it is my participation within the MCS that cause consequences towards life on earth

Why do I fear this person? Oh yes, now I remember, they use to call me names! Yes, they use to call me ‘dork’ a lot…okay, so yes, they use to place judgements on me when I was younger, in my teenage years, online and also in person when I would for example express myself a certain way. I for example took a ‘selfie’ of myself once and there was a trash can full of trash in the background and someone pointed it out and then this person called me a ‘dork’ about it. I define ‘dork’ as someone being gullible and naïve and a bit stupid, like someone who does things without thinking first/considering things first and then the consequence is that this person looks stupid for what they did. When I was called that I would go in a state of negative energy, feeling ‘bad’ for myself.

In the dictionary dork is defined in two ways:
1. Slang. a silly, out-of-touch person who tends to look odd or behave ridiculously around others; a social misfit: If you make me wear that, I’ll look like a total dork! Synonyms: jerk, schmo; nerd, geek.
2. Slang: Vulgar. penis.

It’s interesting how I took another’s words and charged it with energy and defined myself according to what I percived being a ‘dork’ really is. I allowed it to effect who I was on a self-confidence level. I was young and this person was an older adult and I easily accepted/allowed their words and comments to define me.

So cool this point opened up cause I couldn’t understand why I feared this person so much/why I saw myself less than them and I see a part of this was because I had not let go of this point of being called names and judged by them when I was younger. I allowed myself to take that personally since I had no education or skills on how to develop self confidence.

Okay, this will be continued, thanks for reading…

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Day 171: Compromising Yourself for Friends

I will take a pause right now from continuing with my previous blog post titled Why Am I So Tired When I Hang out With Friends Part 2 to write out about some points that came up when I hung out with another group of friends this weekend.

So, what was interesting was that I did not want to hang out with these people in the first place. I had made a decision a while ago within emotional energy to never hang out with them again. I found myself to judge them and what they talked about, what they ate and what we did. I basically felt like I had to do things and participate in things I didn’t want to do and this made me angry. From this, I made the decision to never hang out with them again. However, in December one of the friends contacted me asking me if I want to hang out again, and within me the same energy of the determined decision of “I’m never hanging out with you again” came forth, but I went against that and said “yes…sure…” however, was not completely “for it” within my words .

So my question to myself is: why did I do that even though I told myself to never hang out with them again? Oh, because I’m afraid they will get mad at me if  I tell them I don’t want to hang out with them. I imagined if I were to say that, my friend would feel “hurt” and have a frown on her face, so “I don’t want to make her upset…” .

Now the problem within this is that I compromised myself. I did make a decision but did not completely stick to it. Yes, I understand the decision was based within energy, but was also very sure never to hang out with them again, but when I was asked to hang out with them “fell” within this decision.

So not only was I feeling uncomfortable about hanging out/making plans with this person, but that she wanted to spend the weekend with me with her friend and sister. I went along with it, she and I made some specific plans, and then I got sick, had to reschedule plans, and then the night before they were to come I had a major panic attack where I had difficulty sleeping. With the support from my partner, I found points were related to feeling like I had “no choice” but to hang out with them and believing it’s going to be like a time when I was a child being stuck with these friends and feeling like I have no way out to leave them and becoming emotional about it.

However, this point of “having no choice” to be with them does not align absolutely in reality because I did “have a choice” and I could have cancelled plans if I wanted to, even though if I were to cancel plans they would probably get upset plus I would a lot of waste money on some things we already reserved (showing me how much I trapped myself in shit).

The interesting thing was: I ended up actually enjoying myself with them, and I was very surprised with this, and even looked at what did I make such a big deal about in the first place, I’m having fun…. until it came time for when I wanted to go home, but one of the girls wanted to hang out longer to go shopping, and I stayed with her and from this, saw myself go into backchat, judgements and then the enjoyment started to decrease and I felt like I was back to where I was in the beginning not wanting to be with her. I did not stand up to her within my decision to leave but compromised myself again.

So, one thing I’m going to look at this point of “choice” and having “no choice” when I am out with friends. Also, I will most specifically start going back to my childhood and look at the memories I have there from when this pattern of wanting to please friends/not wanting to get my friend’s mad began, which I can see started when I was in elementary school, about 10-11 years old. This will be most interesting to explore. Thanks for reading!

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Day 170: Why Am I So Tired When I Hang out with Friends? Part 2

My problem I am facing is not wanting to walk this point of understanding why I get so tired when I’m around this friend, S, of mine. I identified a part of it is because I am insecure about sharing what I see and know to my friend, being open and honest about me, and I must ask myself, well then, why am I still friends with her if I am unable to be myself? To express myself?

From what I understand through an Atlantean interview I listened to, tiredness can be a result of stress, fear and/or anxiety. This makes sense to me because when I am with my friend, S, I do see myself go into these reactions.

One fear that comes up is that if I were to talk/by myself we would have nothing in common and that our values would clash. This is so because what pops up is how she’s into sports and alcohol, and I’m not, but this defines her in limitation because we do have many things in common actually. What I want to do for myself, is next time when I hang out with her, to speak up more, within consideration of my friend/her mind/process and see where it takes me, because otherwise, if I suppress myself or believe that I shouldn’t speak of something for in fear of getting into conflict or having me and my friend ‘clash’ I am compromising myself, suppressing myself, and allowing my fears to ‘win.’

I see I am afraid of the conflict or reactions or the uncomfortable feelings/reactions I would experience if I were to be open and honest about me to my friend. What I will do for myself is to write out a list of the fears I have, identify memories, and then walk self-forgiveness on these fears.


Fears & Memories:

1) Afraid that what I share, specifically points of the world/humanity will be criticized/disagreed with (memory of my sister in the car comes up, memory of me in the car with C and thinking my friend isn’t interested in what I’m talking about and feeling insecure)

2) Afraid of her rejecting me as a friend/not wanting to hang out with me anymore because “we’ve had a long friendship” and “she is the only friend I have.”

These and more points I will walk within the next blog posts sharing my Self-Forgiveness and Self-Realizations. In the meantime, take a listen to this interview below:

https://eqafe.com/p/friends-and-memories-quantum-systemization-part-34

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