I was talking to my mom today and she mentioned how she was watching old movies of her and her family — featuring her specifically as a teenager and young adult.
She commented that she was surprised by how big (chubby/bloated) her face was, when she was younger (and she made specific gestures to show the wideness of how her face was). I reacted to this in surprise because she had these cheeks/wide face during the same years as me (teens and early 20’s) and she looked similar to me.
My face and cheeks were a very big insecurity of mine when I was younger, because to me it was big/fat/chubby, and I was surprised to see the same judgement within my mom towards her own face/cheeks when she was younger. It made me realize that perhaps I got this judgement condition from my mom and also that I have probably wasted so much time and energy judging and worrying about my face (it was a huge concern for me) because I defined it as not pretty, as a real big problem.
So I mentioned to my mom I also had a similar big/chubby face when I was her age, and she said, yes and now your face is thinner. I reacted to this because of the idea that having a big chubby/bloated face is unattractive/a problem. But what makes me most sad is the realization of how much of my time and energy I spent worried and insecure about my face – like it was huge deal for me – this point of unattractiveness — I wonder what else I could have done in my time if I had not worried and been so insecure of my face…
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my face and it’s shape negatively by defining and believing my face and it’s shape to be unattractive and not worthy enough in the system
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become insecure of my face and how it looked like at school as a preoccupation to exist and fuel in worry to prevent me from enjoying my life and experience at school
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value to how a face looks by defining and judging me or someone according to how their face looks INSTEAD of seeing through that and into who that person is. I realize we are so conditioned in this world/society to define a person according to how their face looks like, where we interpret and judge and ‘think’ we know how or who someone is based on their face instead of getting to know oneself and another
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think having a nice/attractive face is important, when I realize it is only ”important” in the system as the system supports beauty/attraction and not beingness expression. I realize there are so many gifted, beautiful people in this world that are not defined by how they look – but as so because of what exists within. Only the system gives speciality and priority to those who look a certain way, and this certain way is subjective and only according to one’s eye and not as a universal, collective agreement by all on what is truly ‘beautiful / attractive’ within the context of what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my attention, focus and value to appearances – facial appearances by defining, thinking and believing facial appearances are important – more important than the expression from within. I realize that perhaps the reason why beauty is so important in the world system is because people of beauty are most likely to get better opportunities in life. Look at celebrity life – gossip papers love pointing out flaws and ‘imperfections’ as problems and points to highlight AS IF these things are bad or unacceptable. I mean, who really makes the final call on beauty?
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how much time and energy was spent on appearance – the worries, the insecurities as parts of self-hate that took over my focus / living participation, as if how I look is what matters – when it is really who I am inside – and that I would not want me to waste so much time, resources and energy on something so futile when it is who I am and how I can become a better person and contribute to a world best for all is what matters.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad upon realizing how much time, energy and preoccupation I’ve spent focused, worrying and becoming insecure about how big my face is, or how it looks – since I realize how minute and little such a point is, that I made into a mountain – that I have wasted so much creative potential in during that time, I could have used to explore my interests and do something beneficial for me and others…I realize I am still here, that I don’t need to anymore focus on labeling or judging my face – but simply to take care of me as the physical body – to make sure I simply look presentable / normal in the system (like having hair combed, but not obsessing/going crazy over how I should look but keep it simple), and really spend 99% of my time applying real time change techniques on walking my process in becoming a better person, as well as putting in effort and attention to studying, and working within the system to contribute in change.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how I have taken and implemented my mother’s judgement system towards facial appearances – through giving / placing judgement negatively on faces that are big / chubby, and within that, not realize how I manifested insecurity towards my face and allowed my face to become the sole focus of worry when it comes to how I look. Because the face is the first thing a person looks at – I worried people would judge me negatively the moment they see my face and not give me a chance, to get to know me. I see I exist in this same point…
I commit myself to focus on the person as the BEING, not as the face when I meet someone
I commit myself to shift my focus and attention on who a person is when I see them or talk to them – as I realize someone’s facial appearance is only 1% important compared to the 99% importance of who they are within
I commit myself to take care of my body, and to use my body to support me in this life to participate in activities and contribute in the creation of bringing change in this world…
To be continued…
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