Before I was careless about money. I had major credit card debt, and had the attitude that I will eventually pay it off later, everything is ok, as I continued to go shopping and buy whatever I wanted and needed.
I lived with my parents up to my late 20’s and was quite spoiled in that I didn’t have to pay for rent or my car.
Because I didn’t have that responsibility, I hadn’t necessarily developed the awareness and or had education on how to be responsible with money and doing future planning. I just bought what I wanted, easily. I never told my parents about my credit card debt – I kept that quiet cause I didn’t think it was a big issue. I was apathetic and in denial with my finances. I didn’t think I could be affected with it. The reality of debt hit me hard when I was planning to get married, and planning to move overseas to be with my partner, and I realized I have actual money to pay off, otherwise it’s going to stay stuck with me, even overseas. I did have my partner help me out, but through babysitting and odd jobs I eventually paid it off.
When I left my job to officially live with my partner, I became financially dependent on him, and my partner grew up in a household where money was precious, and the father especially made sure that they never went over their spendings, or had debt. The family saved a lot of money over the years and only bought what they needed, so they were always extremely careful with money. They only bought the essentials, and they only bought food they needed and only went out to a restaurant once a year. So how my partner grew up in regards to money and spending/using money was SO DIFFERENT than how I spent/used money.
Because of our different backgrounds with money, my partner and I had a LOT of conflicts about it, and I went into these temper tantrums when I wanted something he saw as unnecessary and excessive. It got to the point where I would have these emotional outbursts in public when I couldn’t get what I wanted. It was very embarrassing cause my partner would say to STOP IT, cause I was being loud and embarrassing myself. I did not know the extent of my emotional possessions until it was too late and I had already acted out from them. I forgave myself of my behavior in public, committing myself to become more aware of who I am when it comes to my behavior with getting things I want, slowing down and acting in a way that I would be proud of.
I knew I had a problem at that point. I knew that I had to work it out. I found the main reason of my initial instability was the transition of coming from a spoiled, free-flowing buy whatever you want lifestyle to suddenly becoming financially dependent with someone on a limited budget was a bit extreme for me, which opened up intense emotions and behaviors in me.
Dealing with my emotional outbursts/temper tantrums using real time application was tough because the energy experience was so strong, and made me feel powerful in that if I acted on the temper tantrum I believed I would get what I wanted. But actually my partner would stand his ground and not allow it, would reason with me on why what I wanted was not necessary, or that we can’t afford it. He did this over and over again (stood his ground) until I realized how I need to let these emotions go because my behaviors were futile, and I didn’t actually want to be like this.
I had to accept my reality of where I was at, and my position, and that I have everything I need to survive and live comfortably on, even if I am not 100% happy with it. It took a LONG time for me to accept this reality.
Eventually when I got full time work, my partner and I collectively had more money, and this allowed us to get an apartment and become more responsible with our assets. We realized we needed to come up with a more structured way of using money, so we agreed on a monthly allowance, where we got the same budge of allowance equally with our individual freedom to buy what we wanted within our allowance, and then the rest of the money would go to the apartment, bills, and savings. This has worked out quite well.
Sometimes I still experience the emotional conflict of whether to buy something or not… should I get it…I really want it … within a particular energy of desire — what really supports me is taking a deep breath, and asking myself self-honestly‚”do I need this, will I actually use this?” using constructive imagination to place myself in the future with the item, in determining if it would be used, and what the consequences would be if I were to buy this item. I wasn’t perfect with this – I stumbled and bought some things too much, and had to face my partner about it, since my spendings came from our money pot, but over time, the more I stopped myself from buying unnecessary items, asking myself questions within self-honesty, I got more stable with what I wanted and over time understood what I needed, and became happy and proud with my choices.
So here’s a breakdown of what supported me over the years walking from being irresponsible with money, to responsible:
What supported me
- Oberserving, learning, and appreciating the simplistic lifestyle of my partner’s family by allowing myself to listen and remain humble to where my partner was coming from, his suggestions on saving money and how to work with it, taking the best points and using it with our finances
- Getting a job, and being responsible with my paycheck in giving some money to bills, etc
- Making the agreement with my partner that my money is his money, and vice versa, meaning that all of our money goes into a collective pot for the both of us
- We sat down and wrote out a plan on how much money goes to rent, bills, etc, how much to use as allowance, how much to savings, holiday, etc, and it took me like 3 months to settle in with this plan, cause sometimes I would overspend, but me and my partner always went back to our agreement, and I would remind myself again and again of the agreement, and if I fell/overspent on something, I had to face my partner about it, and the consequence would allow me to pick myself back up and commit to be better for next month.
- Yes I originally got upset about the limited budget, but I realized this is what I need to make myself responsible. This is real life and ”I need this discipline.” Over time I realized that if I wanted some nice shoes, I see if I can wait a month, and if I can’t wait, cause I need them for a special event, etc, I to talk to my partner about it, and see if he can help me or if we can take a certain amount of money out of my allowance every month to pay for it, so its about communicating and working with my partner
- Allowing my partner to be the manager of our finances where he directs the money to the appropriate bills and resources since he has the most stable relationship with money and knows when not to overspend.
If it wasn’t for my partner, who stood his ground, and saw the importance of keeping to our budget, of being responsible for money, and for me, allowing myself to listen to his suggestions, to have that ability in me to become humble, and to find solutions through my time participating in Desteni and applying the tools, I wouldn’t be who I am today. So I am very grateful.
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