Continuing from the Ego Series:
It’s been interesting lately because of life events that have made me aware of the extent of my ego and how much I have been influenced and defined by it, and how I realized the importance of humility and vulnerability — being open with myself, exposing my ”faults,” my mistakes to myself, challenging the ideas I have about myself and how I present myself to the world, to then from this, ground myself, humble myself and find solutions to being an earthed-being who cares about self and life.
One of these points in relation to my ego is being caught in front of others of making a mistake or doing something out of line with what I’m suppose to do or say. I don’t want to make mistakes or ”look bad” by having done something that was consequential to my work or in the group I work with.
However these last few weeks and days have challenged this — I’ve been confronted several times about my work performance and have taken the criticism and feedback personally. I realize that this criticism ”hurts” me in an emotional/systematic way where my chest feels like it has taken a ”blow” or emotional punch, and constricts in fear.
I forgot to do a task at work and was confronted about it by a co-worker. I had the thought ”I should have done that cause I KNOW that…” like beating myself up for forgetting cause I want to make a good impression on everyone, and then the chest feels emotionally punched in the middle and fear comes up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beat myself up after thinking ”I should have done that, cause I know how to do that…” after I was confronted by my co-worker that I forgot to do something at work, instead of being gentle with myself, accepting the fault and simply find understanding on how I could have forgotten the task and find a way on how to remember doing it (such as writing a list of what I need to do every day at work) so then I am not confronted again on a task I know I need to do everyday
I commit myself to write/type up a list of all the responsibilities I must complete at work and check it every day and afternoon to make sure I complete everything
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make a good impression on everyone, to look good in everyone’s eyes so that I do not receive negative feedback or critique on my work performance or about me in general, instead of realizing how I hold within me criticism to myself and others and do not want to experience the criticism I do to others. I realize criticizing others and myself in a judgmental way is unacceptable and does not support empowerment within self or for others (it does the opposite).
I commit myself to stop wanting to make a good impression on everyone/to be seen positively in front of everyone because that is just me wanting to cover up and not face my mistakes, faults and fears.
I instead, commit myself to be humble and gentle with myself, and accept the mistakes and faults I make, forgive myself of the mistakes/faults and find solutions to them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have the right to criticize people in how they work, how they talk/interact with others, how they look/dress, how they behave, because I’ve allowed it to become so ingrained in me, this feeling of having the right to criticize people to justify what I know is right and to protect my own fear of being criticize, and from this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my mother and her side of the family is to blame because they always criticize people and it is just a way of life for them, instead of realizing that I’ve allowed myself to give into this criticism and accept it in my life
I commit myself to stop blaming my mother and her side of the family as reasons ”why” I am the way I am since I realize that it is only me who can decide if I will accept consciousness systems/constructs/personalities or not
I have to go so will continue later on this…
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