I walked some private Self-Forgiveness in relation to my reactions towards not getting the job I wanted, and certain insights and realizations came through that I want to share here:
One of the points I realized from my writing today was how easily I create and give into certain ideas about myself and situations. For example, I believed that I was going to get this teaching job, and I convinced myself I was going to get it because of memories I held onto that fueled this belief, such as when the director of the school said I was their favorite candidate and that the head teacher said they will ”see me later” when we said goodbye. From these two instances I took their words ”to heart” and fueled them into the idea that I was going to get the job, because 1) I was their favorite, and 2) the head teacher really likes me and said see you later, possibly indicating I will see her when I get the job.
However, I was not certain I was going to get the job because I had to wait to officially find out. So even despite thinking/believing I was going to get the job according to an idea based on memories, reality still had yet confirmed if it was true. And this made me uncertain about the outcome, because the point is — only reality can confirm whether something is real or not, because even if I was the school’s favorite candidate, does not mean that I will be their favorite the next day, because possibly maybe another candidate comes in with better qualifications/skills and thus, everything changes- I am no longer the favorite. Then perhaps the head teacher, having said ”see you later,” could have been an empty goodbye (meaning, not being serious in that she really will see my later.)
I was first angry at myself for really believing I was going to get the job, like placing my entire trust in this idea, convincing myself because of this idea I had based on a few moments/memories of interaction with the school staff.
A second point is that the director of the school never called me or emailed me to tell me whether the job position was filled or not. I had to find out I didn’t get the job by looking on the school’s website. I had called the school about 2 weeks prior asking about the status on the job position and the director told me she would call after their holiday break, so I trusted her words and waited and didn’t hear anything, so took the initiative to check online for any news and lo and behold, the new teacher’s picture was on there.
Now, my reaction here was also anger because I felt and believed that what they (the director/School) did was not cool. Within that, I wanted to in someway show them that what they did was not right or fair, but today what I realized while watching a movie where Santa told Buddy the Elf that his father was on the ”naughty list” was that I allowed myself to be stuck within the right/wrong good/bad polarity toward the point, where I thought/believed what the director of the school did was wrong/bad as a form of judgement and I wanted to justify that being upset about it is right, but guess what! Being angry over this point is useless because it would in no way change the situation or the director of the school themselves. I need to move on/find another job. Their actions of not calling me is simply showing parts of human nature and the money system that we participate/exist in, where priorities are more focused on self-interest than considering others. So this is not something I should take personally or get emotional about because this is generally what we are all existing in, and this is something I can learn from. I can use this situation to enhance my social skills in making sure that if someone is waiting to hear from me about something, that I make sure I get back to them, and keep to my word.
I share some Self-Forgiveness here:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger towards the memory of when I was told I was the school’s favorite and I believed that was going to get me the job, instead of realizing how I should not take such statements and words to heart since it will only in fact be true when/if I get the job, because I realize how easily I believe in such words/statements from others instead of considering the reality that having the job will confirm the actual statement, so within this, I do see how I need to stop taking others words and statements to heart and to only really cross-reference such words through reality by asking questions, observing actions and events
Within this, I now see, realize and understand how ”gullible” (for lack of a better word) I am towards words and statements from others where I so easily believe in their words/statements towards me instead of actually staying grounded, considering how reality/the system words nor believe or define myself according to what people say about me/towards me, but to first check with myself, cross-reference for myself who I am and who I want to be, because I realize I have given a lot of value to what people have said to me, or promised to me, but words have fallen short, so I cannot trust people’s words entirely until it is proven through their actions and deeds, just like I have to prove who I am through my own words, actions and deeds
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify that I should be angry when I think about how another did not follow through with their word, instead of realizing that the anger within is indicating a point I exist in but do not want to see or face
I commit myself to become aware of when/where I say one thing but do not follow on my word, because I realize that by doing this shows through me and to others I am not trustworthy, and that I cannot stand in integrity, so I assist and support myself to flag point every point/facet I see within me where my words are not aligned with my actions, and direct myself to realign me into who I am/want to be through living/sticking to my word
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify that I should be upset at another for their actions instead of realizing how getting emotional/upset will do nothing to change the person, and that what matters is to actually cross-reference with myself to see if I exist in those same behaviors so then I can correct myself and not exist in it myself, to be able to stand as an example of what is best for all
I commit myself to stop justifying that I should/need to be angry over what another did to me and instead assist and support myself to see if I am existing in a similar point because the anger may also indicate a point I don’t want to see and take responsibility for, since I realize the core nature of us all is in self-interest, thus I want to change this part of me, so I do this by becoming more aware of my behavior and general attitude towards others and find solutions to stop/change this point
That is it for tonight. Thanks for reading.
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