An interesting point opened up for me where I was asked if I had looked at the fear of being alone. This question came up after I discussed some personal points with the person about how I have had difficulty stabilizing myself while living here in a foreign country. This brought up a memory where my family went on a short holiday while I stayed home to work and I ended up getting sick because I was so anxious being alone without them.
So this will be an interesting journey as I explore this point.
It was the first night my family was gone and I knew I would be seeing them tomorrow. I just had to hop on a plane. The first reaction that comes up is fear because I project through my mind my mom not being around. She has always been someone who has always provided support in the household, whether it’s cooking or cleaning up a mess I made, she was always there, eventually ‘picking up after me.’ Now, that she was not there, it was as if I experienced a shock of not having that external support around me, and then the fear comes up of not knowing what to do with myself. I felt very empty inside like I lost or left a part of myself with my mother, like that support she has always given me was not around. So there was this illusionary experience of feeling/being empty, like half empty. Then there was the anxiety of not knowing what to do, but then a stress within projecting everything I needed to do that day came up because I had to prepare and pack for a flight tomorrow. I still had not yet sorted out or directed the fear point of not having my mother or family members as that external support of being around, and I started to feel unwell about it when I did my errands. It’s interesting cause I realize if I had given myself some time to do some writing before I went off to do errands, then maybe I wouldn’t have gotten so sick because through the writing I would have been able to see more clearly why I am reacting in fear and be able to direct it.
Eventually as I walked my errands, I started to get a pain the bridge of my nose indicating sinus pressure. The pain then spread as a headache across my forehead and then I started to feel ill. When I got home I became so dizzy I threw up. I dealt with a stomach ache and nausea that entire night and the next morning. Then interestingly enough, once I got off the plane and greeted my mother and family the nausea went away and I felt fine.
The extent to which emotions can influence the body is astounding. This realization came through after a Destonian showed me how one can put so much pressure on the body through emotions/being emotional one can become sick, the body can handle only so much, so that is why it is so important to move and direct yourself IMMEDIATELY when emotions come up within you. This I have now taken seriously after having dealt with random health issues and experiences for the last 6 months. That I really cannot any more allow myself and my body to go through pressure of emotions due my own participation within them. So far I have been practising being more aware of myself, breathing, and using self-forgiveness when I see an emotion/energy movement come up inside me. It is tough because I have noticed points where I didn’t want to say Self-Forgiveness and let go of the point which means I need to look deeper into it.
In the next blog post I will continue with dissecting the memory and walking Self-Forgiveness.
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