From: May 2, 2014
A couple of points came to my awareness today. One was that I had felt guilty about not sticking to my word within a particular agreement I made to someone about a task I was to do and the person mentioned that this was more of a self-commitment then a commitment to her, and it struck me in a way where I was like ‘why did I not see that?’ because I saw that I had actually separated myself from this agreement/task I said I was going to do, doing this for a reason outside of myself than doing it for me as a way to expand my writing, my education and my assertiveness.
Then I read Cerise Poolman’s blog post about how her father was unlike other parents where he did not praise her or congratulate her on things she accomplished unless it was something of note and then she explained the point of validation, where through our environment and the people/adults around us we as children are basically grown up to expect or want/desire praise and validation from others and this is why we do the things we do – to get something positive out of it instead of doing things of self-enjoyment. This also aligned very well to a situation today where I experimented with a new way of cooking, replacing egg with flaxseed meal and the response I received from those in my environment were negative and I went into an emotional experience about it. I looked at how I did not make this meal for me but for reasons outside of myself like doing this for others and pleasing others.
So then I had a look at who I am in my process in relation to my responsibilities, specifically my Journey to Life where I do see that I had been dishonest in who I am within some of my writings, writing from a starting point of separation and writing to get validation, to feel part of a group, to feel fit in, and I see I never really have done things for me to really support myself, but had done them because I thought others would like it/appreciate it, that I would “get something out of it” – yes, that’s it — getting something out of it — instead of realizing this process isn’t about others or ‘getting something out of it’ but about me, changing myself so I can live, meaning no longer being defined/controlled/influenced/limited by/through the mind, but walking a process of self-honesty, forgiveness and corrective application to understand who I am, how I exist, how did I get to be who I am and re-programming myself in a new way of living that is best for all, which also includes me.
So the question is, what do I want to ‘get out of’ process? What are the desires/wants/needs behind this? Because looking at it – doing things to get positive attention and/or a positive/favorable outcome that I have in my mind that I want to happen/manifest is futile compared to the actual physical reality, how it works and the self-change I would be if I were to walk this process genuinely for myself. And that is another point – is doing this genuinely for me. I see the points necessary of what I need to walk for this. I am going to redefine the word SELF-COMMITMENT in the next blog post for me. Thanks for reading.
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