Day 173: Feeling Left out With Friends

Man thinking on a train journey.
Man thinking on a train journey. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Continuing from:
Day 172: Going to a Party You Don’t Want to Go To

I am taking this memory apart and exposing points/patterns I accepted and allowed myself to exist in:

I was around 10, in the car with girls or “my friends” from my class. The girls were being loud in the car, talking. 
They sounded happy. I in my mind projected myself separate from them in the car, with me being a distance away from them while in reality I was tightly shoved by the window next to my friend

  • Idea/Belief to be separate from the girls due to an Experience that feels as if I am in fact separate from the girls as what they show/embody in their expression which in this case was ‘happiness’.
  • Accepting and allowing me to be, see and define me as separate from Happiness itself.
Within me I experienced what I defined as being “left out” feeling not included and within that sinking in a depression/sadness where it felt like a hole was in my solar plexus. 
  • Accepting and allowing me/Self to go into depression/sadness when/if I am is not part of something or believes to not be part of something.
  • Defining me and my experience according to being or not being ‘part’ of something.
  • Belief that something is wrong/flawed with me if I am not included/part of something (like the girls conversation and laughter) -> thus Self-Image, Self-Belief and Self-Acceptance Issues.
I then started thinking how I want to go home, be home, I wish I didn’t come, why did I come, I didn’t want to come… manipulating myself within this. 
  • Regret and Anger at myself for compromising me to go to the party while I did not really wanted to go and would have preferred to be somewhere else and do something else.
  • Backchat with where I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate me to continue existing within the experience of separation from happiness that was observed within the other girls instead of realizing that happiness is a living word that Self can live alone as for example enjoying me in mys body or in the presence/company of others, even simple things such as enjoying the air I breathe in and out and / or the scenery of my Physical Surrounding.
  • Accepting and allowing me to through the mind with backchat manipulate me into remain existing within this experience of depression and sadness due to the belief/acceptance that I am Separate from the characteristics/properties that the girls in the car represented which was happiness or a point of ‘belonging’/’being part of the group/’.
I longed to go home, and within that, felt the same way like who I was on the first day of school. I started to tear up and this was comforting as I tuned the outside noise around me and indulged within the crying.
  • Experience of Powerlessness and Helplessness and crying with regards to what I was experiencing, instead of seeing and realizing that I was just really accepting and allowing self to see/define/believe/accept me to be Separate from what was going on/the Moment(s) and characteristics that the girls were portraying/showing/resonating to/according to how I perceived the characteristics/moments of the girls interacting/talking with each other and laughing – and that the solution is as simple as forgiving me for separating myself from Happiness and whatever Characteristics I see/define myself to be separate from that the girls represented with their laughter and conversations. 
  • I did not realize that I was not really powerless and helpless but simply not accepting and allowing myself to embrace me as Happiness/Self-Enjoyment here and all the Characteristics that I believed/felt like I was lacking/not having that the girls were representing with their laughter and conversations and interactions with each other.
It was then my friend asked in what I perceived to be in a mean, criticizing voice: “are you crying?” I said no, thought about all the girls looking at me, waiting for my response so that they can jump onto judgements with their glances with each other. I felt embarrassed from all of this. I was caught from crying to where I perceived/thought I was seen like a baby, a wimp, and now all eyes are on me.

  • Fear of Humiliation/Being Humiliated by others
  • Fear of the opinion and judgement of others. 
  • Me being dependent on how others see, define and feel about me.
  • Accepting and allowing me to judge me as a wimp and baby for the act of crying or not feeling well emotionally and what I was experiencing due to all the things that were going on within my mind.
  • Fear of being vulnerable and other people being able to see that I am not feeling well.
  • Self-Accepted and allowed Self-Belief that if I cry or do not feel well emotionally/feeling-wise that that means that I am Inferior for Real, while that is not so at all but just a Self-Belief.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project me being physically  seperate from from my friends, placing them on one side and me being at the other, when in reality I was literally sitting next to them, sharing the same space with them, not realizing how I was manipulating myself into believing and perpetuating the idea that I am so separate from my friends.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from being here in the car, being here with my friends through participating and indulging in the mind of thoughts and ideas of being left out.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that in order to be included in the group I must act/participate and not expect others to make me feel/be included.  I see that in order to be included within the group I must participate in the group. Within this, I see I existed in self-interest within this desire of being included within the group without having to be equal to everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate the idea and belief that I am being left out by physically representing this belief by turning my body away from my friends and not participating in the conversation, physically indicating that I don’t want to be involved with what’s going on.
So I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see how I am responsible for being left out of the group through first believing it so within my mind and then through my body language of turning away from my friends, crossing my arms and looking out the windowinstead of testing it out in fact by interacting/participating in reality.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to change my body language of dropping my arms, turning my body toward my friends to challenge the idea I created that I am being left out. I realize that within my mind I had been whining and manipulating myself into believing that I am left out, while all the while I was the one responsible for leaving myself out of the conversation/interaction with girls through my own body language and perceptions according to my mind.
Will continue in the next post…

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