Day 165: Anxiety Underneath the Desire to Control

Continuing from: Day 164: Emotional Starting Point = Emotional Outcome

“…it turned out the person wasn’t able to get the information I wanted to know about, so I reacted in anger towards them. I was angry — I expected them to retrieve the information I needed today. Since I wasn’t able to physically go and get the information about this event at this specific building, I trusted this person to do it for me. So they said they forgot and mentioned other points in relation to why they didn’t get the information but within me I couldn’t let the anger go. To me it felt right and justifiable to get angry at them – I had for days reminded them about this point and they still didn’t follow through so this led to a conflictual morning for me where I resisted talking to and being with them.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger when another did not do the job I requested and urged for them to do instead of realizing that I had urged this person to do the job within anxiety and thus, was speaking and existing in a point of energy as reaction which indicate that I was not the directive principle here but moved myself within and from energy within my mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at another when they did not do what I asked them to do due to the belief that I am helpless and do not have the means or skills to seek out what I would like to know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at another when they did not do what I wanted and from this,I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry over the fact that I cannot control the person to do what I want them to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at not being able to control the person to do what I want them to do.

So the question within this is why? What is it that I want to control so much? I see, going back to square one was that I wanted to hide my anxiety through trying to force/control another to do the thing that I believed/perceived would be the point to stop/soothe my anxiety, which was to see if I needed to attend this event or not, and yet when my plan/expectation did not go through (I did not get the news/information today) I reacted in anger – I realize I have to wait and so existed within impatience because I want my answer NOW, I want the information NOW so I will know if I need to attend this event or not and then take the steps immediately so I can calm down this anxiety.

Will continue with more in the next post…

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