Today I was in an apartment with two other women. One of the women sat down on the couch comfortably and began talking about an event she is going to. I was by the table, and I didn’t know if she was talking to me because the topic was something I didn’t know much about and the other woman near her was nodding her head and making sounds indicating her understanding of what the woman was talking about. Then gossip broke out and I stood there feeling uncomfortable because I didn’t want to get involved and be in the same room as these women, but I was overwhelmed with a mixture of fear and uncertainty of whether I should leave the room or not because I didn’t want to be there.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become uncomfortable standing, waiting for an external cue — like a sign, such as the end of a conversation from others, to determine when I should move and / or leave the room because of being unsure of what to do within the moment when other’s were talking about something I didn’t want to be involved in yet felt obligated to be there with them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uneasy through existing in uncertainty about whether or not I should leave a room because I fear how others would react to me if I were to leave the room because I may also have to face my own reactions within me.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to make a decision in self-honesty for me to MOVE myself when I see that where I am and / or what is going around within me is not best to participate in and simply excuse myself from the environment and from this:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dwell in discomfort / uneasinesss and uncertainty because I accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear of not wanting to cause a reaction within another because I realize I may have to face and experience reactions within me, which thus shows me that I am not comfortable to face my own reactions, so –
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face my reactions by assisting and supporting myself to take one reaction at a time and apply writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application in order to face and walk through the reaction when it comes up again with certainty and clarity in how to direct it best.
I will continue with the rest of my writing and self-forgiveness in the next blog post…